Surviving Dysfunctional Families (man, young, child, calling)

[RayinAK]

Originally Posted by TakeAhike

true, but when it reaches the level that mine did --that shouldn't happen

domestic violence--I am not going to explain any further. Others have covered it as fully as it can be covered. People die, people develop all manner of psychological problems. If it smacks you in the face it cannot be dismissed lightly. That is all I know.

I am not going to ride that merry go round anymore.

What I am going to do is find some way to use these experiences that is hopefully better than what I have previously done.

I could well be dead --just get out 'there' and try to find the resources that are supposedly available--it is really something.

anyway--I am alive and have a better idea of what my life can and should be

Divine Intervention--it can happen. lol
As it turned out--it was available less than a mile from my house. Such service. Amazing Grace. lol

Are you referring to God? I know that this may sound dumb to a lot of people, but I have heard a lot of stories from people who leaned on God when going through hell in their lives, and pulled out of it.

If that's what you are doing and is working for you, buy all means continue on that path. Also, as others have said, brush aside what the rest of your family may have done to your life (don't dwell on it because it's a waste of time), and concentrate on the right things in life while skirting the wrong ones. Once you understand, you also learn to forgive because no family is perfect. Who knows? You may even help others see the light while you continue on your path through life

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by RayinAK

Are you referring to God? I know that this may sound dumb to a lot of people, but I have heard a lot of stories from people who leaned on God when going through hell in their lives, and pulled out of it.

If that's what you are doing and is working for you, buy all means continue on that path. Also, as others have said, brush aside what the rest of your family may have done to your life (don't dwell on it because it's a waste of time), and concentrate on the right things in life while skirting the wrong ones. Once you understand, you also learn to forgive because no family is perfect. Who knows? You may even help others see the light while you continue on your path through life

lol--yes.

Part of what happened in my 'Not so Father Knows Best' family, was that Faith got abused, too. My mother spent her life working in a theology school and is devout --perhaps, too devout. Not a 'church lady'--a woman who really understands the Bible and lives that way. close to 'sainthood'--lol. She should have been a minister. She can preach. I wouldn't attend her church--lol--sometimes the sermons are of the fire and brimstone variety.

For years I thought 'religion' was not for me. Then I decided to try again and found out that there is much more to it than 'being Good and Perfect'.

lol--The Bible is filled with dysfunctional families. And, even though you are a 'sinner'--there are options available before you arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Forgiveness---Maybe I should start writing about that.

After a memorable incident when I was a junior in college -one of the weekend fights--I had my father arrested. When I graduated from college I had to live in 'his' house for a month before I could get an apartment with friends. After that I didn't go back for over a decade. It was bizarre.

He died in the early 80's--my mother insisted that I come and say goodbye.

This was the man who was my 'Daddy' and adored me and acted like a complete monster.

I know he had issues---a few of them from heart problems, we later found out--but so help me--some of the things that came out of his mouth--well, Mel Gibson would be shocked. A misogynist.
I'd say he had the middle age crazies--male ego problems of some kind. He should have had an affair or done something. Too much testosterone that wasn't properly channeled--I know that.
I was shocked and humiliated, at any rate. I thought he was 'the Devil'.

so--forgiveness--doesn't come that easily to me-- I stumble along

i am in a really good location for exploring religion--i can tell you that--lol

~~~~
After I finally got to the 'right' person--it was certainly interesting I can tell you that.

I told him what I thought about the paradoxical nature of religion. I remember saying that when I got to heaven I would seek out C. S. Lewis and have a lengthy discussion on all this.

He wasn't phased. Nothing I said phased him--lol. Furious --absolutely furious about religion.

We finished our 'work' and I have been processing the experience.

~~~
While watching the Royal Wedding --one of the officiant's reminded me of my counselor. So a few more pieces of 's' jarred lose. Maybe it was the Archbishop of Canterbury--someone of considerable of importance in the Anglican church. He was clear about religion, I know that.

lol--My mother may 'die'--but I think I am going to hear from the Episcopalians--that is as close as Ican come to the Church of England. The levels of forgiveness that must go on among the Royals--that is certainly something that intrigues me.

[TakeAhike]

Schweitzer
'Reverence for Life'
Albert Schweitzer - Welcome

'"Reverence for Life" says that the only thing we are really sure of is that we live and want to go on living. This is something that we share with everything else that lives, from elephants to blades of grass – and, of course, every human being. So we are brothers and sisters to all living things, and owe to all of them the same care and respect, that we wish for ourselves.'

http://www.albertschweitzer.info/stories.html

Biblical Worries
“When I was eight my father, at my own request, gave me a New Testament, which I read eagerly. Among the stories which interested me most was that of the Three Wise Men from the East. What did the parents of Jesus do, I asked myself, with the gold and other valuables which they got from these men? How could they have been poor after that? And that the Wise Men should never have troubled themselves again about the Child Jesus was to me incomprehensible. The absence, too, of any record of the shepherds of Bethlehem becoming disciples, gave me a severe shock.”

~~~
I can relate, having had similar thoughts as a child myself.

~~~
I have requested a few books on Schweitzer from my local library.

I feel fairly certain that he didn't concern himself with 'lesser things'. Quite possibly thought that God would handle the 'judging' and his job was to do what he could in the mortal realm.

[TakeAhike]

It never ends. There is to be a neighborhood yard sale--my Mother is clearing out more of my brother's stuff--guitars and all kinds of tools--he worked on cars.

We have done this before and nearly gone insane. Wish me luck.

She seems 'less wanky' than she was.

lol--What an interesting chapter in my forthcoming book those memories will be.

To be 'that family' in the neighborhood.

It is a nice neighborhood--very nice. Some sort of renaissance people.

'Gentrified'--who would have thunk it. Built after WW2 for enlisted men who were starting their lives without much $. Little box houses, now renovated and in a highly desired location. Easy access to 'the city'.

~~
How crazy it is. But a good kind of crazy.

There is a 'big school' not far away--a university.

'All the king's horses and all the king's men' --Humpty Dumpty.

That is the story of my life.

Someone has now written --'God: A Biography'--I am on the list for that book.
http://journal.equip.org/articles/a-summary-critique-god-a-biography- (broken link)

Everything else has been said about God--I can't wait to hear what this author thinks.

[crisan]

Originally Posted by fallingwater

I heard this a while back and it stuck with me. "There are plenty of people in this world willing to beat you down, don't add yourself to the list."

Growing up with dysfunction really causes self esteem issues. I still struggle with it at times especially if I am going to try something new. The flip side is, growing up with dysfunction actually provides one with skills that others may not have. You see a part of life that some don't. This helps with understanding and the ability to spot unhealthy situations as long as you trust your instincts.

I tried to rep you with a long message. I think you were the one who recommended the book Protecting the Gift. That book changed my life. Funny enough, the ideas work well with certain segments of the population, in particular those with very obvious dysfunctional families. It doesn't seem to work well for others but I think I understand why now.

Okay, no more hijacking this thread.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by crisan

I tried to rep you with a long message. I think you were the one who recommended the book Protecting the Gift. That book changed my life. Funny enough, the ideas work well with certain segments of the population, in particular those with very obvious dysfunctional families. It doesn't seem to work well for others but I think I understand why now.

I don't know to whom you are responding--my mind is elsewhere--I missed that one--sounds good--I will put it on the list.

I will read almost anything. lol

lol--This thread can be hijacked.
--I certainly don't care--lol--say whatever you like. Pretend we are at a Happy Hour---ordering another round for everyone. Margarita for me. Frozen--it's hot, swelteringly hot, here.

~~~
Here's a funny story. I lol now, at least.

~~
Due to my father's absolute dictatorial style--I call him 'Mel', now--I had one date in high school. The rage that I feel about that--best to let that sleeping dog lie.

I graduated and went off to college. I returned for Homecoming that freshman year and was just sitting there with a person who also attended my college. I had been a majorette and a guy that had dated another majorette came over and said 'Hi'. Then he said--'Would you like to go to the dance?'

I did--and my friend was annoyed--a change in transportation plans--she agreed to call her parents and also never let me forget my inconsiderate ways.
The people I have known--not 'fun' people--that is all I will say.

So we went to the dance and he asked me out for Saturday night. I didn't inform Mel--we had actually stopped speaking.

He attended a military college and then invited me to come up for a special weekend. I had to ask 'Mel' and he drove me up there.

It was great and I continued to date this guy --can't recall how long. We saw each other on school breaks. I 'fell in love'--as girls do.

The last date we had--probably sophmore year--New Year's Eve--he took me to some sort of frat party and everybody was making out. I was 'not that kind of girl' and I said, 'No'. He drove me home and that was that. No discussion.

Of course, holidays were special times for 'Mel'. He had some sort of episode--threw the Christmas tree on the floor, IIRC.

Then one day my 'friend' informed me that R had a girl friend. She knew because she worked in the credit department of a retail store with a girl from his college. Must have had some good chats about me while they were assessing credit. I worked on the sales floor --selling lingerie, fwiw.

I called him and he said it was true. Then I got a letter from his fiancee. ' R is mine, etc' and a few other choice remarks.

I graduated from college. 'Everybody else' was getting married, including my college roommate. On the back of her engagement announcement in the paper was a picture of the Witch. They were getting married at his church--less than a half a mile from my house.

I began my career--teaching. 5 years later he calls me--now an officer--on his way to somewhere. My 'friend' from college had just been transferred to my school, fwiw--much to my disappointment.

I met him and exercised my new found liberation. Thinking dark thoughts about his wife. Stupid, yes--but I was Single and that is what singles did--yes, we did. Long Live the Silver Ball.

Never heard from him again. Our high school class had a reunion--around the time my brother died--I didn't get the fyi and I didn't go.

One day I went to one of those online sites for high school reunions. He sent me an email--'Let's be friends'.

Something 'terrible' had just happened again and I was in rare form.

It was, of course, Christmas---all kinds of emotions fly at Christmas for me.

We met. I had forgotten about a Dr's appointment and had to juggle the meeting around---we still 'liked' each other---there was always something there--could have been a lot more.

Anyway---we emailed a bit. I finally said--'You do know your wife wrote me a letter and said this and that ---for which I shall hate her forever? And your engagement announcement appeared on the back of my college roommates?

The response--'I have no regrets--date that he became a military officer.

I went into such a state. If I could have reached through the computer and strangled him that would have helped.

My counselor heard this story--they shared the same name. Men--saying things like 'I have no regrets.' He said don't email him anymore. So I didn't.
My one chance at love. sigh

A few weeks later he sent me an email. A picture of Hillary ranting about something. I cried, then felt proud. 'A feminist's feminist'---more powerful than any man. lol --Yes, that is what I am. Bow to the Queen---that is what we feminists say.

I am a redhead, he married a mere blonde.
Annette Bening, yes, one of my favorite actresses. The scene in Bugsy when she tells Ben/Warren what he can do is one of my favorite scenes.
I wanted to say this to him>>>

"My oh my, you're pretty ferocious for a mob's concern, aren't ya? The rest of the time you're just some good-looking, sweet-talking, charm-oozing, f@ck-happy fellow with nothing to offer but some dialogue. Dialogue is cheap in Hollywood Ben... why don't you run outside and jerk yourself a soda."

I might just memorize it --in case I ever see R again. I really want to say this--wonderful piece of dialogue.

He is living at the beach---my favorite place on earth. SW FL--they got the oil spill--clearly a sign of God's displeasure, jmo.
I hope he had to clean his floors every day for months. lol

Living in Margaritaville---that is too much. I love those beaches---Florida panhandle and spent many happy moments there. If there were any justice in this world--I would be living at the beach.

I'll just have to settle for being --'The Most Powerful Woman in the World', except for Oprah. lol

[TakeAhike]

Psychiatry.

I found Ashleigh Brilliant a number of decades ago--in my cynical phase.

Some of what he says is helpful when dealing with 's'. He is a PhD, psychiatrist/philosopher/millionaire from thinking of 'Pot Shots'--straight out of Berkeley. I am certain Dr. Drew is familiar with his ideas.
I certainly do believe you have to be 'crazy' to effectively deal with crazy.
I never got much from that group of mental health professionals. 'Take this pill and see how that works for you--we can try others.' Not on my dime ---what may work for some doesn't work for others.

Thankfully, I found a good MD. 'Stress related illnesses'---mood swings. Diabetes and high blood pressure can cause mood swings--imagine that.


ashleigh brilliant -- home page

[crisan]

TakeAHike,

I am learning to be very careful about making assumptions. In fact, just reading more threads here on C-D in the last couple of days made me realize why I shouldn't.

That book, Protecting the Gift, taught me how to stop living my life in fear. It explained, correctly, how I was taught to live in fear. I read it hoping to learn something about parenting, but what I ended up learning was why I was failing socially, why I made bad choices and how I was teaching my daughter to live in fear. Things that will effect my parenting.

The same author wrote another book with a similar message. When I read the negative reviews, most reviewers accused him of scaring readers but I learned the opposite.

Okay, so that this is not a waste of time for you or me, were you brought up in this fashion?

• Required to be nice even though people can be mean to you.

• Having your mistakes held against you so that even when you did do right, it was not recognized as learning from your mistakes. Instead it was seen as payback for the wrong you did in the past.

[dreamofmonterey]

Originally Posted by TakeAhike

It never ends. There is to be a neighborhood yard sale--my Mother is clearing out more of my brother's stuff--guitars and all kinds of tools--he worked on cars.

We have done this before and nearly gone insane. Wish me luck.

She seems 'less wanky' than she was.

lol--What an interesting chapter in my forthcoming book those memories will be.

To be 'that family' in the neighborhood.

It is a nice neighborhood--very nice. Some sort of renaissance people.

'Gentrified'--who would have thunk it. Built after WW2 for enlisted men who were starting their lives without much $. Little box houses, now renovated and in a highly desired location. Easy access to 'the city'.

~~
How crazy it is. But a good kind of crazy.

There is a 'big school' not far away--a university.

'All the king's horses and all the king's men' --Humpty Dumpty.

That is the story of my life.

Someone has now written --'God: A Biography'--I am on the list for that book.
A Summary Critique: God: A Biography - Lost Books and Latter Day Revelations (http://journal.equip.org/articles/a-summary-critique-god-a-biography- - broken link)

Everything else has been said about God--I can't wait to hear what this author thinks.

see to me you are still part of their system. Its not working....u need to get out. JMO

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey

see to me you are still part of their system. Its not working....u need to get out. JMO

you can't really get out--you can carve out what works for you

You should hear what goes on in the name of religion--'You will not tell me what I believe'--back and forth. lol--'SHE'--bossy little thing. And i am 'just like HER'. my mother, myself--that was a good one.

Control me--don't even think of it. I've been trying to tell her since I was able to speak. lol
~~~


'If I had a Hammer'

what I have are words--the ability to write--honing it up as we speak.

'The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword'


~~~
Springsteen.

He is my muse.
BRUCE!!!!!!

i would be fine if I could attend a Springsteen concert and scream BRUCE!!!!--until I felt like stopping.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=129kuDCQtHs

A fine specimen. Just look at him. Living in the land of corporate types--you have to 'break out of the box' to find a Springsteen. I throw my dog in the car and just hit the road. lol

What stories my dog could tell. He loves it. Not much traffic on Sunday AM--lol. A good time to go for a drive. The river--we go to the river a lot.