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My cousin has a gay best friend who are (obviously) very close. Sometimes, they can be a little more than just close in the emotional sense. They are very touchy-feely with each other, and his gay best friend (Fred) loves to touch him sexually (grab his crotch, ass), caresses him, and cuddle with my cousin. What they do is their business and I never really cared so much about it or gave it too much thought till now. The reason why I thought about it, and it kind of bothers me is because I feel that since Fred is single, lonely and doesn't have a boyfriend, and is the "sensitive, slightly feminine, relationship wanting gay guy" type (so he self admittedly describes himself) he kind uses my cousin as an alternate to having a boyfriend to fill his void of having a relationship. If he was to have a boyfriend, and have a happy relationship, I wonder if he would still be using my cousin to do what he does now, since he has an actual boyfriend. Or, if my cousin gets a girlfriend, I doubt my cousin would want his gay best friend to be showing all that affection around his girlfriend or any girl he might try to get with since it'll make him seem gay.
The reason why my cousin accepts it is because he is a hardcore, gay/lesbian rights supporter. Several very close members of his family are gay or lesbian and he supports the to the fullest. Which is great but I feel he should draw a fine line somewhere. For example, since his friend is gay, he'll sometimes try and taste people's acceptance out in public by holding his hand, holding him by the waste, and letting his gay friend caress him sometimes in public. Which I feel, is just over doing it to be honest and is unnecessary to throw it in people's faces. He also kind of excuses his gay friend for doing what he does because "he is gay, and that's what gay guys do and what" and for the reasons in the paragraph above for why Fred seeks it. Sometimes though, I feel my cousin is conflicted because as much as he wants to support Fred-I can tell apart of him doesn't want Fred to be showing such public display of affection sometimes but he'll feel guilty and that he is not supporting Fred or feeling embarrassed of Fred if he doesn't let Fred do that how "lovey dovey" thing.
Many people think sometimes that they are a couple because of their interaction and my cousin, I can tell, gets annoyed by it because it's ruining his chances of finding a lady. Something, which he is pretty badly desiring. Fred and my cousin have collided and gotten into some arguments over their relationship. Since my cousin is Fred's best friend, he lets my cousin stay at his apartment a lot of times and even gives him the key to the place. However, he gives my cousin grief sometimes if he goes out without him, if my cousin decides to do something that he isn't interested in doing, hangs out with certain people that's not in their clique of friends and sometimes discourages him to not go out certain nights. For example: One time Fred went out to run some errands and he asked my cousin if he wanted to join him. My cousin declined because he was tired from hanging out the night prior but later during the day, my cousin and I met up and hung out on the town and Fred found out, called my cousin, and started giving him the "Oh, so now you're going out?" type of talk. Least to say, he made my cousin feel guilty and kind of made him frustrated. It makes me feel that my cousin is possibly trying to look to fill a void of not having a girlfriend and being in a relationship, just like Fred not having a boyfriend.
It just seems like Fred kind of uses my cousins as a "boyfriend" of some sorts, like I mentioned before. I understand where my cousin is coming from in terms of being supportive. Because I also support my gay uncle, lesbian/bi/gay cousins and/or friends who are gay and love them very much. Doesn't mean I'll let them (my gay friends and of course uncle) touch me all over because they are gay though and trying to fill a void. Actually, Fred trying to cuddle with me one time when we had a little party and had gotten drunk. As I was sleeping, he tried touching me and coping a feel. I thwarted his attempts and confronted him about it. We sorted the situation out even though he tried to defend his actions by saying he's just gay, lonely etc. When I told my cousin, his reaction was "You KNOW he's gay though right? What else do you expect."
So, I feel there might something a little wrong with this picture in a way. Is there a such thing as my cousin being too accepting, tolerant, feeling some sort of pity and making excuses for Fred? Is Fred slightly (or very) manipulative with my cousin, using him in a sense for not having a boyfriend? Are they both trying to feel out each other emptiness? I don't question the friendship between the two and I can tell they both have a lot of love for each which great, beautiful. Sometimes though, I feel like they over do it, and its come to the point where they both can get too frustrated with what each one does in their individual lives, like they are TOO involved in each others. My cousin sort of looks up to Fred and basically follows him everywhere and relies on Fred a lot to guide him through life.
Anyway, I don't want to make this longer than it already is. So what are your thoughts and opinions on this?
Last edited by Lital_The_Best; 05-14-2011 at 07:22 AM..
I didn't read all of it but it sounds like your male cousin is bi-curious and might already have had a relationship with Fred or wants to. Or your cousin could be gay and hasn't told you.
I think he's interested in being with this gay friend of his. Honestly, most straight men, no matter how accepting or gay-rights-pro they are, won't let a gay man do that kind of stuff without saying something about it. Something like, "I'm not gay" or "We'll find you a boyfriend to do those kinds of things with instead of me."
Kuz seriously, that's not just "what gay people do". If your cousin said that he allows it because his gay friend doesn't know any better, or that's just what gay men do, than he's either not very strongly into the gay comunity, or he's making excuses for not saying something to stop it. Gay men won't just start rubbing up on another guy if they aren't attracted to them, and if you're cousin told him to stop, I'm sure he would. Gay people are like straight people; gay people can control themselves. But you're cousin's definitely into it.
Yeah, I've always had suspicions of him being gay because of his certain mannerisms but I don't know. He seems to really love women but thanks to his feminist lesbian sister influence on him, he doesn't know how to really approach women, and since Fred is always on my cousin about the girls he meets are likes, he gets conflicted easily.
I think he's interested in being with this gay friend of his. Honestly, most straight men, no matter how accepting or gay-rights-pro they are, won't let a gay man do that kind of stuff without saying something about it. Something like, "I'm not gay" or "We'll find you a boyfriend to do those kinds of things with instead of me."
Kuz seriously, that's not just "what gay people do". If your cousin said that he allows it because his gay friend doesn't know any better, or that's just what gay men do, than he's either not very strongly into the gay comunity, or he's making excuses for not saying something to stop it. Gay men won't just start rubbing up on another guy if they aren't attracted to them, and if you're cousin told him to stop, I'm sure he would. Gay people are like straight people; gay people can control themselves. But you're cousin's definitely into it.
Jesse
Indeed. Like I said, what he and this guy does are this business but lately it's just kind of been bugging me lately. I feel the same way, gay guys can control themselves and have respect for someone who isn't gay. I know every gay guy who I've befriended respects my sexuality and wouldn't dare try to get physical with me. Just like I wouldn't bother trying to get them interested in women.
Whether or not your cousin is gay himself, has bi leanings, whatever, the situation isn't too different from guy/girl friends who have murkily defined friendships that veer into the intimate from time to time. Regardless of orientation, blurred lines between friendships and something more always have the potential to become messy and difficult, but they're just things that the people involved in them have to work out. It wouldn't view it as any different than if you had a female friend who had an "are they/aren't they" friendship with a guy...sometimes lines get crossed, people get hurt, people send mixed messages to people who might be interested in them by always having a friend around who seems to be more than a friend, etc. Lots of straight folks in mixed gender friendships do fall into the habit of using opposite-gender friends as surrogate GFs or BFs when they're between relationships, using people (nefariously or not) to deal with their own loneliness when they're not in a relationship, etc. It's a crappy way to treat friends, but it happens all the time. Deciding when you need to be drawing boundaries is part of developing mature, healthy relationships. It's up to your cousin to decide the boundaries of his.
Yeah, I think your cousin is bi-curious. I think he's gotta thing for his friend but he's trying to cover it up by saying that that's just what gay men do. But it can't be more complex than that, really, just let him figure it out himself.
Yeah, I think your cousin is bi-curious. I think he's gotta thing for his friend but he's trying to cover it up by saying that that's just what gay men do. But it can't be more complex than that, really, just let him figure it out himself.
I would agree with this.
Seriously I haven't had a GF in a while, and I know I wouldn't want a feminine man grabbing my balls or slapping my ass. I've had a few gay friends who've moved on, and they did not do anything that you have described here.
So yeah I think your cousin might be curious, or he just hasn't came out to you yet.
When I told my cousin, his reaction was "You KNOW he's gay though right? What else do you expect."
What a very odd response from your cousin and one which I think many gay men would find an insulting and almost homophobic generalization.
Anyway, I'm not sure why the relationship between your cousin and his friend bothers or worries you.
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