I think Im royally screwed up...need advice (dating, man, love)
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Dating this guy who is 7 years younger than me. Im 33 and at some sort of historical sexual peak in my life and we have amazing sex. AMAZING. Beyond that we eek out some sort of connect-ual relationship that is basically soggy with nonstop fighting. The hurtful kind of fighting. The kind where we pretty much verbally bash each other against the wall, seeing who can win the award for most painful comebacks. I degrade myself by acting this way, and I also get immensely hurt by what he says back. I feel ridiculous, like Im on some adolescent level with him playing these back and forth games, and what's worse is he has somehow accomplished bringing my self esteem down to dam near null and void. I feel unhappy, I feel abused, and I feel sheepish for all my dirty handed parts in this situation. And yet I love him???? I feel a strange love hate love for him where I yearn for the physicality part of him. I know hes toxic for my life but then WHY DO I FEEL like I love him and WHY IS IT SO STINKIN hard to move past this when I hate the way that I feel?? It boggles my mind.
Whats worse is I helped him get a job at my work bc I thought I would be helping "us" as a whole to move into the next phase of our relationship. Now we have to work shoulder to shoulder and we have this completely unhealthy relationship that's quickly leading to hate, Id gather. I feel degraded and humiliated, I feel anger and resentment and yet I wish hed just come over and snuggle me under the covers and make mad passionate love to me. Am I losing my mind? How will I overcome this? How can I work with him day in and day out, week after week? How does one heal their heart? How do I get my self esteem back?
It feels like I'm sitting in a wasteland and I have to find my way out w.o a map. Where do I begin?
You are just in the habit, it's got nothing to do with love. Habits are hard to break, like smoking. Too bad there isn't a patch for bad relationships.
1) stop thinking about this problem
2) stop talking about this problem
3) just have fun
if you do these three things, i promise everything will be okay.
and 4) if you feel like it go have some AMAZING sex again. if I were you, I'd probably do it. (where I am, there is no one - not that I'd like there to be, but if I were YOU - I'd do it. )
Start with a couple statements you made...he is seven years younger then me, and "I" got him a job.
If you think he is now your property for such good deeds and he somehow better be over grateful.... you better think again. He reads that like a book and resents it, you may not see that...but he does.
Respect each other, and respect him as a man and he will come around sooner then you think. If you're just trying to win an argument you better end it soon, or it will end very badly for both of you.
Am I losing my mind? How will I overcome this? How can I work with him day in and day out, week after week? How does one heal their heart? How do I get my self esteem back? It feels like I'm sitting in a wasteland and I have to find my way out w.o a map. Where do I begin?
At this point, I think it would be most productive not to beat yourself up over mistakes (you can do that later and try to analyze where this went wrong later in the interest of not doing it again) but to figure out the best possible outcome from this point going forward.
This man is not going to change, and neither is the "relationship," which really sounds like he uses you for sexual pleasure, and doesn't respect you one bit. And it sounds like although you feel an attachment to him of some sort, you treat him just as disrespectfully. I think the warm fuzzy feelings you imagine when he holds you are just a projection of yourself wanting that, rather than being sincere. I think some part of you realizes how unhealthy this is, and how hurtful it will continue to be to you until you end it.
For starters, I would break up. End the sexual arrangement. Yes, you will still see him at work. That won't be fun. But it will be easier to do that than it will to keep doing that AND have him sleep with you before verbally abusing you. Then I would find someone I could talk to (like a therapist) who can help you figure out why you were drawn to a man who made you feel so bad about yourself in the interest of not repeating that mistake.
But who are you thanking? well, um, ok......YOU'RE WELCOME!
I'm moved to throw a couple quotes your way. One is "The heart is forever making the head it's fool"(Francois de la Rochefoucauld). Another is "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you".
You know where your head is I'm sure. I'm thinking there may be a bit of confusion to just where your heart is! No, it ain't down there. Go up a bit. A little higher now, towards the center.......that's it!
Dating this guy who is 7 years younger than me. Im 33 and at some sort of historical sexual peak in my life and we have amazing sex. AMAZING. Beyond that we eek out some sort of connect-ual relationship that is basically soggy with nonstop fighting. The hurtful kind of fighting. The kind where we pretty much verbally bash each other against the wall, seeing who can win the award for most painful comebacks. I degrade myself by acting this way, and I also get immensely hurt by what he says back. I feel ridiculous, like Im on some adolescent level with him playing these back and forth games, and what's worse is he has somehow accomplished bringing my self esteem down to dam near null and void. I feel unhappy, I feel abused, and I feel sheepish for all my dirty handed parts in this situation. And yet I love him???? I feel a strange love hate love for him where I yearn for the physicality part of him. I know hes toxic for my life but then WHY DO I FEEL like I love him and WHY IS IT SO STINKIN hard to move past this when I hate the way that I feel?? It boggles my mind.
Whats worse is I helped him get a job at my work bc I thought I would be helping "us" as a whole to move into the next phase of our relationship. Now we have to work shoulder to shoulder and we have this completely unhealthy relationship that's quickly leading to hate, Id gather. I feel degraded and humiliated, I feel anger and resentment and yet I wish hed just come over and snuggle me under the covers and make mad passionate love to me. Am I losing my mind? How will I overcome this? How can I work with him day in and day out, week after week? How does one heal their heart? How do I get my self esteem back?
It feels like I'm sitting in a wasteland and I have to find my way out w.o a map. Where do I begin?
Even the good sex isn't reason enough for you to be subjected to and dish out verbal abuse.
If you don't respect yourself, there's no way he can respect you either, nor will any other man out there. It has to begin with you.
Dump the guy. There's better sex out there with less bullcrap.
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Move on! 
