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I have a situation at work. There's this guy who works down the hall from me. He is rumored to have mental health issues. This in itself is not alarming as life can be hard and people struggle. He had a bad childhood and married a horrid woman who continues to torture him using their kids. I am sympathetic but the thing is that he has anger issues that are apparent at times. One time, he was venting about killing another colleague of his, who was making him angry. The person he was venting to became worried about a workplace violence situation.
Supposedly when he is medicated, he seems calm. But he says things that just don't make sense to me or at least leave me baffled at how to respond. He is highly educated and has a Harvard degree. So, maybe he operates on such a higher plane that I just don't get. In any case, I normally just keep a polite distance when I come across him, at times trying to pretend I don't see him.
Well, one day, we were riding the elevator together and I let my guard down and made polite conversation. He asked me if I've ever tried some eating place. I said no politely and tried to get back to my office.
Last week, he asked me to go to lunch with him at this restaurant. I was like a deer caught in headlights and he said that he would stop by my office one day and we could go. I don't want to go to lunch with this guy and am a little angry at myself for letting my guard down and being polite and now being in this situation.
How do I politely tell him that I am not interested in a firm but polite way, knowing the background with his anger issues?
P.S. I let my guard after reading C-D threads about men being irritated that many women they encounter act cold and not friendly, and them wondering what is the harm in just saying hello and making polite conversation.
don't be gentle and polite, be firm and assertive. tell him.... i never lunch alone with any of the men from work, as i don't want the rumors to start, you know how the grapevine is around this place, everybody talks. but maybe we could get a group of people together for lunch sometime.
then smile politely and excuse yourself, you have to make a call, have to drop off some paperwork to a colleague etc. if he tries to convince you otherwise, or asks you again, stop him and say, i appreciate the invite, but i'm firm on that policy, i'm happy to have lunch in a group, but please don't ask me again to have lunch alone with you.
Cinnabar's suggestion is a good one. Or if you're not confident enough to be direct, just always be "too busy today" when he comes by. But I think Cinnabar's suggestion might be best because it will nip the idea in the bud instead of dragging it out. Dating in the workplace is a risky idea anyway, and with this guy, it sounds like you would be cartwheeling over ground laced with landmines. I would not give him the slightest bit of encouragement or send any signals that could be misconstrued.
don't be gentle and polite, be firm and assertive. tell him.... i never lunch alone with any of the men from work, as i don't want the rumors to start, you know how the grapevine is around this place, everybody talks. but maybe we could get a group of people together for lunch sometime.
That's what I'd suggest, too, but it has to be true...
don't be gentle and polite, be firm and assertive. tell him.... i never lunch alone with any of the men from work, as i don't want the rumors to start, you know how the grapevine is around this place, everybody talks. but maybe we could get a group of people together for lunch sometime.
then smile politely and excuse yourself, you have to make a call, have to drop off some paperwork to a colleague etc. if he tries to convince you otherwise, or asks you again, stop him and say, i appreciate the invite, but i'm firm on that policy, i'm happy to have lunch in a group, but please don't ask me again to have lunch alone with you.
I like this. Also, I second what Sierra says: It does have to be true.
I wonder as a side note, how many women feel like that have to be sorta cool to men, just avoid getting hit on.
A LOT of women, I suspect. Actually I don't know what to say. I have had situations where just saying I am not interested makes a guy very angry.
Like my not being interested is some sort of personal insult. If he's already an angry and unbalanced person, and has a superiority complex (Harvard LOL esp if his family has money, I can imagine the ego).
I think the OP should go to lunch and give him the following BS in private: You're a great guy and I enjoy our current working relationship, but I think it is a bad idea to date a coworker. I just don't think it can work out and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship at work.
Anything to make him back off while giving an excuse that is NOT him. Hopefully he'll leave you alone after this. Remember to be FIRM about the not wanting to date people at work.
Good luck, girl.
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