Long distance issues (wife, marriage, woman, love)
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My wife and I got married at the end of May (after being together for 3 years) due to my impending move to Washington DC from St. Louis. She stayed behind to finish her last semester at Nursing school this fall before joining me in DC. She's 22 and I'm 25. However, it has been a rough road ever since I left in early June.
The first issue began a couple of weeks ago when she told me that she wasn't missing me as much as she thought she would. Ok, that was a weird thing to say and got me to thinking. Then I went back home for a few days right after that for a friends wedding and things were quite tumultuous during my visit. I insisited the issue with us feeling distant had something to do with some other guy but she said that it did not and she still wanted nothing more than to be with me. I even called her out about a very specific guy she worked with that she talked about alot but she insisted nothing was up.
It took a few days but after some long talks we got back to where we were, happy as ever. Lots of talking, texts, and it seemed like we were back to our normal happy selves. Then today I noticed a friend of hers posted something under one of her facebook statuses about a guy she worked with being a "friend" in quotations like that. I confronted her about it and sure enough she admits to a "school girl crush" on this guy but that nothing physical ever happened. She said it lasted a very short time and once we had a long talk the "spark" reignited and the "stupid" crush was over. She said that she rejected his advances and told him she was happily married and they haven't spoke since...he has since moved to Seattle.
I was quite outraged at this turn of events and mostly about the lying. I also don't understand how a happily married woman could have a "crush" on anyone. She insists it wasn't even really a "crush" but that she found him interesting and would talk to him more if she were single but since she's not, she lost interest. I am so angry that she lied to me when I directly confronted her about this guy and asked specifically about him.
She was very apologetic and insisted that it was only the result of being newly long distance and that she has since worked out her issues and nothing of this sort will ever happen again. How can I possibly trust her? She is very insistent in her committment to me and our marriage. She is very upset that I am considering ending our marriage and really doesn't think she did much wrong besides lie about her "school girl crush". She may not have technically "cheated" on me but I can't help but feel betrayed....and she always always says and said things about how she only has eyes for me and is so into me. I just don't see how I can regain that trust about lying to me about crushing on this guy and how, if she is in love with me, she could crush on anyone.
I have given up a lot to be with her and am feeling so betrayed by it all. I paid for our house, 95% of our meals/activities/vacations, and have basically waited for her to finish her degree to "catch up" with me in life so to speak and now she's almost there and we're falling apart. We've never had major issues and are very happily in love when we're together, especially before I left.
I guess what I'm asking is, am I overreacting? I do feel she's a good person and ultimately don't see her ever cheating on me. I am so torn between just ending this and ending the continual "wait" for her to catch up also due to the trust issues, and then just realizing what we have is worth working out, and in the big scheme of things maybe this isn't such a big deal.
Don't overthink things. It was just a stupid "crush" and he was into it but she obviously wasn't. It seems to me like you don't WANT to make things work and you're moreso looking at reasons to end it than reasons to appreciate her and the relationship. It all depends on what you want to do. It can work or it can't work.... it's not on her but it depends on your perspective.
Thanks. She also thinks she just liked the attention and he was temporarily filling a void and that once she realized his motives, quickly put a stop to it. I just don't know...if that was all it was then why not tell me as it's ongoing and why lie for weeks about it?
I do not want to end it...I can see how it may sound that way but I really want to work things out. But it will be hard regaining that trust, and I just worry we will run into similar issues, despite her insistance that it never will.
Together for 3 years and just married and recently relocated to a different state?
You stated that you are waiting for her to "catch" up to you?
Okay I will state the obvious first.
you both are still young and have taken a big step which of course seemed like a natural course of action and the next step in progressing your relationship...
I agree with you, I would have been confused if my spouse stated that he did not miss me as much as he thought he would..I would have asked him why he thought that was....
About speaking to co-worker? Being infatuated and enjoying the attention? I can see this to a certain extent but to hide this from your spouse puts a divide in the marriage and being newlyweds this is not good at all..
The fact that post the long conversation she stated to you that she was flattered by the attention but once she found out his motives she stated she was happily married? She did not have do this nor tell you anything..
My last query to you is why did you state that you have been waiting for her to "catch" up? With the information given and so forth this gives me the impression that you feel you are above her and better than her and are just waiitng for to join the ranks and this is so unhealthy in a relationship...In all reality you nned to check your issues as well..
OP, I have to be honest. I'm hearing some arrogance in some of your statements that's off-putting, and I have to question if part of the issue with your wife is that this same attitude is bleeding over into your marriage and it's off-putting to her too.
She's very young. She hasn't even finished her degree and you two are already married. There seems to be a great deal of "why won't she hurry up and get where I am?" instead of you acknowledging that she is three years younger than you, that you were allowed to finish college and start your adult life at your own pace and that you are trying to shove her through that.
I really hope I'm wrong, but some of the statements you've made make me wonder if control is an issue in your relationship. You talk about paying for 95% of things, acting like it was a gift that you allowed her to finish her degree (you know, instead of doing the sensible thing and postponing the wedding, or the second most sensible thing and staying in St. Louis with her while she finished school.) You talk about "calling her out" about male friends. If she does feel controlled, it would explain a heck of a lot about why she didn't miss you once you were gone. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but anyone would relish their freedom if they feel choked off.
She had a crush. It never went anywhere. The truth is, most people get crushes from time to time, whether it's on a pop star or an actor or the hot barista at Starbucks. If your marriage is strong, all the outsiders in the world are irrelevant. One hundred male models could parade in front of my house and it wouldn't matter. I love my husband, our marriage is strong, and I am 100% devoted to him. No one else has a chance. If you want to protect your marriage, the best way to do that is to strengthen it from the inside. If your marriage is weak, anyone will be able to find an opening because your wife will always feel something is lacking. There are some serial cheaters, who cheat no matter what, but this doesn't sound like that. It sounds in this case like there are very real pressures between you two, issues that are not being addressed and inequity in the partnership that may be leading to resentment.
You wanted to know what to do. I feel the answer is to reconnect with your wife. I'm not sure why you chose to leave her behind and move to DC before she could graduate college (I'm assuming you got a job offer), but I'd take as many opportunities as you can to visit. Ask about her day, connect with her, and really listen. You chose to marry a person who is 3 years younger. No, that's not 10 years, but because you chose to marry at 25/22 instead of 28/25, she's not a fully-formed adult yet. Allow her the time to grow and come into adulthood on her own. If you pressure and rush her now, she will always resent you for it. If your marriage is strong, outsiders don't have a shot. If outsiders get in, it's usually because the marriage was rotten from the inside and someone didn't want to admit it. Your goal should be to strengthen the marriage, not raise an inquisition over every guy she talks to.
... but some of the statements you've made make me wonder if control is an issue in your relationship. Your goal should be to strengthen the marriage, not raise an inquisition over every guy she talks to.
My gut reaction wasn't even to wonder if control is an issue but to be certain it is. The choice of words, the expressions of outrage, the whole tone made me cringe.
OP, I don't have magical words of wisdom to offer but do hope that introspection will play a part in your relationship with your wife. All the very best!
I think control is the wrong word, though I appreciate the outsider view. I would say resentment is more appropriate. If i'm being totally honest I get this thinking where "after all I've done for her she does THIS to me?!" I don't want to feel this way, but I do. Arrogance? I don't think that either, but I realize that my resentment may look that way.
I understand the age difference and it was a major topic of discussion going into all of this. I am not at all the controlling type and we have always had a very secure relationship (IE: no "checking up" on each other, no jealous issues, no logging into each others accounts). The distance threw a wedge into our relationship that we just weren't prepared for. I think both of us expected to crying ourselves to sleep every night and when we were able to function like normal adults, it took us both aback, but especially her.
So I completely understand all of the views on my situation. The resentment is something I really need to work on myself. It's a cause of insecurity on her behalf too. She has mentioned how she feels guilty she can't contribute as equal partners and I have reassured her it is fine by me, but the truth is I guess I have this expectation that it gives me "leverage" on her and that's not fair.
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(you know, instead of doing the sensible thing and postponing the wedding, or the second most sensible thing and staying in St. Louis with her while she finished school.)
LOL you know sometimes the sensible thing isn't always the "best" thing. This was an amazing opportunity for me and she was behind me 100%. We did have a very strong relationship going into this and never had major fights or anything of the sort, so I guess I didn't think it'd be as big of a deal as it turned out to be.
I think control is the wrong word, though I appreciate the outsider view. I would say resentment is more appropriate. If i'm being totally honest I get this thinking where "after all I've done for her she does THIS to me?!" I don't want to feel this way, but I do. Arrogance? I don't think that either, but I realize that my resentment may look that way.
So I completely understand all of the views on my situation. The resentment is something I really need to work on myself. It's a cause of insecurity on her behalf too. She has mentioned how she feels guilty she can't contribute as equal partners and I have reassured her it is fine by me, but the truth is I guess I have this expectation that it gives me "leverage" on her and that's not fair.
OP, with all gentleness intended, this response of yours is telling. When I spoke of resentment, it was not you resenting her that I meant, but rather what I think is really going on here and why she's turning to other guys: her resenting you.
She is very young, not yet a fully-formed adult, and already she is being put under a lot of pressure. You guys got married at the age that was right for you: 25/22, rather than waiting until she reached your age, making you two 28/25. And you know what? Sometimes it does work out even with very young marriages. But the odds are lower and if you want to give yours the best shot, you are going to need to bend over backwards to accommodate the fact that you have shoved her forward before she may be ready. You need to allow her the time to grow up, the time to figure out what she wants.
If you deny her that "time", she will have good reason to resent you. If you "call her out" on male friends, she will have every reason to resent you. If you move away during her last semester and in doing so, put pressure on the relationship in her last college days, that's a darn good reason to resent you. You didn't have to finish college as a newlywed living apart from their spouse--she's being forced to and that happy last semester may feel "stolen" from her because of it. If you try to make her feel badly that you earn 95% of the income (again because of the age difference--you got out into the working world three years sooner), or even hint in that direction, you will chip away at her self-worth and that will do everything in the world to make her resent you.
Be very careful how you deal with this and realize that you need to take a look at your actions and contributions to the problem, not hyper-focus on this insignificant event with this guy who's gone. He's irrelevant. If you don't fix this? There will be a new guy like him every year. Version 1.2, if you will. A couple that is secure in their marriage is in no danger from outsiders. A marriage that is insecure or harbors resentment on one end (her end, in this case) is in grave danger because every outsider will potentially hold what can't be gained at home and in the marriage. It sounds like major change may be needed here.
My wife and I got married at the end of May (after being together for 3 years) due to my impending move to Washington DC from St. Louis. She stayed behind to finish her last semester at Nursing school this fall before joining me in DC. She's 22 and I'm 25. However, it has been a rough road ever since I left in early June.
The first issue began a couple of weeks ago when she told me that she wasn't missing me as much as she thought she would. Ok, that was a weird thing to say and got me to thinking. Then I went back home for a few days right after that for a friends wedding and things were quite tumultuous during my visit. I insisited the issue with us feeling distant had something to do with some other guy but she said that it did not and she still wanted nothing more than to be with me. I even called her out about a very specific guy she worked with that she talked about alot but she insisted nothing was up.
It took a few days but after some long talks we got back to where we were, happy as ever. Lots of talking, texts, and it seemed like we were back to our normal happy selves. Then today I noticed a friend of hers posted something under one of her facebook statuses about a guy she worked with being a "friend" in quotations like that. I confronted her about it and sure enough she admits to a "school girl crush" on this guy but that nothing physical ever happened. She said it lasted a very short time and once we had a long talk the "spark" reignited and the "stupid" crush was over. She said that she rejected his advances and told him she was happily married and they haven't spoke since...he has since moved to Seattle.
I was quite outraged at this turn of events and mostly about the lying. I also don't understand how a happily married woman could have a "crush" on anyone. She insists it wasn't even really a "crush" but that she found him interesting and would talk to him more if she were single but since she's not, she lost interest. I am so angry that she lied to me when I directly confronted her about this guy and asked specifically about him.
She was very apologetic and insisted that it was only the result of being newly long distance and that she has since worked out her issues and nothing of this sort will ever happen again. How can I possibly trust her? She is very insistent in her committment to me and our marriage. She is very upset that I am considering ending our marriage and really doesn't think she did much wrong besides lie about her "school girl crush". She may not have technically "cheated" on me but I can't help but feel betrayed....and she always always says and said things about how she only has eyes for me and is so into me. I just don't see how I can regain that trust about lying to me about crushing on this guy and how, if she is in love with me, she could crush on anyone.
I have given up a lot to be with her and am feeling so betrayed by it all. I paid for our house, 95% of our meals/activities/vacations, and have basically waited for her to finish her degree to "catch up" with me in life so to speak and now she's almost there and we're falling apart. We've never had major issues and are very happily in love when we're together, especially before I left.
I guess what I'm asking is, am I overreacting? I do feel she's a good person and ultimately don't see her ever cheating on me. I am so torn between just ending this and ending the continual "wait" for her to catch up also due to the trust issues, and then just realizing what we have is worth working out, and in the big scheme of things maybe this isn't such a big deal.
Any perspectives out there? Thanks
I had a situation that was quite similar although it was during our engagement. We were only 120 miles apart as we finished our degrees and so saw each other every weekend. Gradually she did not seem to miss me much and even got mad when I said I missed her. Eventually she started going out with her friends in her town and I received some suspicious phone calls I chose to ignore. After confronting her on some other issues we were sort of on a break. During that time she was with another guy who she did end up marrying. I would suggest in this case you give your wife an ultimatum and tell her you need to have a serious talk. If she won't write a letter about your concerns. It may end up being painful but you should not delay.
Ah the joyful misguided optimism of pursuing long distance relationships. I've got way too many life lessons to recall on account of that effort. No thank you. I'll stay undateable by zip code. Not everybody can live in hip and diverse city. But a LDR in lieu of that is not an option I'd consider. Good luck, odds are against ya.
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