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Please let me apologize upfront, this is going to be quite lengthy, but I just want to make sure I'm leaving nothing out.
I was dating this girl, for a little over a month, and she then broke it off with me. I know it isn't that long, but please read on to see my side.
A little background. I met her through a friend of mine that had dated her.
To protect the innocent, I will use the following names:
myself: myself
my g/f: tammy
her ex: greg
Ok, let's go back to May 2011. Tammy had been planning this great vacation to go on with her b/f at the time, Greg. Everything was ready to go, and she was ecstatic. I had spoken to Greg a few days prior to their departure, as him and I were friends. At that point, I had asked him how things were with Tammy, and he said "Meh, we'll see how it goes, I don't really wanna be with her, I'm thinking of breaking up with her up there lol. I'll let you know". A this point, I never really know Tammy, but at the same time thinking to myself, "How the hell can you even think of taking her on this vacation, when that's your mindset". Greg was very bad with Tammy. He would never let her go out with any of her girlfriends, or any guyfriends for that matter. He was emotionally abusive, and was always talking bad about her behind her back when they were together, and when they weren't. She would cry herself to sleep at least 2-3 times a week, and it wasn't healthy for either of them. He is controlling, VERY controlling.
Anyhow, they went, and 2 days later, he sends me a msg, "Well, I broke up with her". So, 2 days into the week long vacation that she had been so pumped about for many months, abruptly ended with him driving her home, while she cried the entire trip (appx. 4 hours).
Less than a week later, he had started dating someone else, an ex of his. A little over a month after Greg and Tammy broke up, I started chatting with Tammy just casually. One thing led to another, and we had hooked up. A few days after that, I had asked if it was ok to ask her out, kinda see where things go. She had agreed. At that point, I had said to her that "Ok, but only on the premise that Greg is ok with it, as he is my friend". So, the next day, I meet with Greg and discuss with him my situation. He was totally for it, and appreciated me in asking his permission first. Excellent, I asked her out formally.
2 weeks into the relationship, Greg's new g/f, dumped him. Turns out, Mr. Greg is an extremely controlling, and nasty individual who emotionally abuses his girlfriends, and takes total control of their lives. Now, once Greg gets dumped, the same day actually, he contacts a friend of mine to "hook him up with a friend of yours(my friend)" My friend says "umh, nope, sorry". Alone and not knowing what to do, he immediately afterwards, get this, contacts Tammy, who is now my g/f for the last 2 weeks. Tammy tells Greg, "Listen, I"m with (me) now, please leave me alone". The request goes unanswered. After multiple communication attempts, Mr. Greg was able to get into my g/f's head and make her think she's doing something wrong. After dealing with that, she said to him "LEAVE ME ALONE". Unfortunately, the seed was planted. So now, she keeps being bombarded with these feelings and emotions that she thought was done with. I guess she never really had that time to "grieve" after the relationship. At which point, put a strain on us.
Now before I continue, I need to fill you in on some things.
1) Her ENTIRE family absolutely despises him because of what they all saw him put her through. He isn't allowed to be on their property, period.
2) Her entire family has welcomed me with open arms and love, and have verbally said to Tammy, their acceptance, and praise for me.
3) Her and I maybe only dated for a couple months, HOWEVER, I fell in love with this girl. Something inside of me is telling me this is the one, I know how messed that sounds, but this isn't my 1st time at the rodeo, I know what I feel.
Continuing on, So, a couple more weeks go by, everything is fine and good, we are enjoying ourselves. Than last Wed., I was with her, and she wanted to experience something with me. That night, we made love for the first time. It was the most amazing, and beautiful experience I have ever had, and for appx. 1.5hrs solid, all she did was stare into my eyes. I knew she had finally fallen for me. I couldn't describe the feelings I was going through. Once it was done, she looked into my eyes, and I have never seen that look from her to this point. You cannot fake a look like that.
Fast forward 2 days; She calls me @ 10:30pm to say she needs to see me. I'm like "Are you ok?" she says, "no". She comes over to tell me "(she) can't do this anymore, she wants to feel what I feel but can't 100% because of the feelings for Greg". I'm like OHREALLY? awesome. So, she wants to break it off, for the time being so she can deal with the pain of Greg, and be able to come back and work with what we have. I'm totally down for that, as I know in the end, her and I will be together, and happier than ever.
Now comes the kicker.
It's pretty obvious that Greg has still being messing around with Tammy's head. Because Sunday she tells me "I miss you, I wanna see you hun xoxox" So, I"m like, to myself, "woohoo". Wrong.
Today, she tells me "I want Greg, I know I want him, but I don't know if he's good for me". At this point, I'm like "lolwtf? seriously? that makes no sense". In a nutshell, what my perception is, is she got spooked the Wed night. But what I said to her was "Ok, if you have to tell me, that you are not sure if he is good for you, after 4 yrs, than it's pretty obvious that he will never be good for you, quit beating yourself up over it." This point, she goes on the HEAVY defense, defending him, and saying she's tired of hearing people say that. I say "Well, maybe they have a point Tammy, these are coming from people who are around you all the time, and have seen what he put you through time and time again, I doubt they're saying it just to say it". Her going on the defense is telling me that she KNOWS she's doing the wrong thing, and she is trying to justify it by getting angry. Am I right?
She tells me that she needs time to be SINGLE, and figure out who she is, and what she wants. I say "I'm GLAD, that's the reason we broke it off in the first place, take the time/space". However, due to her vulnerability, and lack of willpower, he is successfully getting into her mind, and negatively influencing her ability to deal with things.
In a nuthsell, she KNOWS that being with me would be the best choice, as I treat her the way she deserves to be treated, yet she cannot get over the "comfort/habit" of Greg, and isn't ready to let go. She tells me she cares for me, and noone has ever made her happy the way I have, and I still love her, and I know this because that stupid something inside me wouldn't be affecting my heart or mind judgement. I have searched for this girl for 3 years, and for her to have such a profound meaning to me this early, is very, very unusual. I've been in relationships before, and this one has totally took me by surprise.
Any comments, questions? Ideas? Should I stick with her through it, or toss in the towel (i dont want to). I need guidance.
Also, I can kinda see how this was worded/wrote, but please, be assured this is 100% a TRUE story, that I am going through right now.
Well, as you already know 'Tammy' is emotionally unavailable. She can't move forward with you because of your douchy friends behavior. The best thing for her is to cut ties with said friend completely. As for your role, I suggest being a friend to her. You already have some type of connection and it would be awful for it to be severed. Don't bring up the topic of you and her until she is ready to move on. Because if she isn't completely over him, you will be an emotional buffer.
I know you don't think so but it sounds like you were a rebound. If she cared that much she wouldn't of been talking to Greg. She still wants to be abused by him.
I would give her the space she wants and wait it out to see what happens.
So if Greg is such a nasty individual who tries to sabotage your relationship, why are you friends with him? If I was in this situation, I would consider cutting ties with him.
I would chalk this one up to a learning experience and move on. You were dating your friend's ex shortly
after they broke up, so it would take a lot of good fortune for this to work out.
Also, who takes a girl on vacation to break up with her? Practically speaking, this might be the worst way to break up with someone. Preferably he would want to spend very little time with her after the breakup but instead chooses to spend days with her.
She knows full well that she should cut ties with him, and has tried. He just keeps digging and digging, and sees that he is making headway, so continues.
I'm afraid for her, that she will continue to let it happen, and thus, ultimately make a poor, unimformed decision.
As for the rebound, I had asked her about that. I wasn't a rebound for her. I had given her plenty of opportunities to allow me to walk away before this happened. She had confirmed that I wasn't a rebound, and that she really had feelings for me. Which I know she does, again, the eyes don't lie, I know she was starting to really fall in love with me.
As for not severing ties with her. It's hard, I have been there for her, and I want to still be there with her, but at the same time, I cannot just watch her bury herself in something she will ultimately regret. That's the thing I'm finding hardest, being helpless in a situation that I know she wants/needs help with.
He didn't spend anytime with her after he broke up with her. He immediately ended their vacation, and took her hom to cry for the remaining 5 days.
Either way, this is a pretty awful way to break up with her. He ruins his vacation and hers and he has to drive four hours with her.
This may have worked if you'd waited longer, but it's difficult when she'd been with him for a long time and had an apparently painful breakup.
Personally I don't like the whole "break up and get back together" kind of relationships. If a girl did that to me, I would see no reason why it wouldn't happen later in the relationship.
what I said to her was "Ok, if you have to tell me, that you are not sure if he is good for you, after 4 yrs, than it's pretty obvious that he will never be good for you, quit beating yourself up over it." This point, she goes on the HEAVY defense, defending him, and saying she's tired of hearing people say that.
So she was with him for four years? Broke up with him, and dated you for a month, and had sex with you once? if that's all correct, then it seems clear she's not over him - and you were a rebound experience.
That's not to say it can't work out between you in the future! But I wouldn't expect it to go anywhere in the next six months... You need to let her go - completely - and let her grieve and get over him in her own way. Once she's done that, there may be hope that she'll see something in you worth pursuing. But don't push her now - if you push too hard, she'll shut you down, because she's not ready.
She knows full well that she should cut ties with him, and has tried. He just keeps digging and digging, and sees that he is making headway, so continues.
To what extent has she tried to "cut ties"? If she really wanted it done with she would get a new phone number, restraining order even if necessary, etc. Part of her isn't done being abused. It seems something in her is satisfied by "gregs" behavior/personality. It sounds pathetic and/or ridiculous but some people actually find true fulfillment from people who are bad for them. They become gluttons for punishment and don't seem to care.
I think all you can do is wait it out. Be there for her to some extent, but don't be all over her, at her beckoning call. You would be wise to try to detach if possible because who knows when she'll end this cycle, and whether she would carry this quirk over into your relationship. I would hate to see some new douchebag work his way into the picture of you're guys relationship and her actually give him the time of day.
But I don't know whats going on in her head. Only she does.
First lesson you need to learn, you say her ex is abusive.
If she's been a victim too, it will take a lot of patience, and a lot of work on both you and her parts to make a new relationship work.
Abuse leaves deep emotional scarring, which takes years to get over. Some survivorsnever do completely.
Issues can sneak up on you when you least expect it, triggered by seemingly innocent events.
If you want my personal opinion, if she's only been out of that situation for a few weeks, it's way too soon for her.
What she needs right now is a friend, and lots of support, and someone she can trust, who'll be there when she needs them. She needs that more than she needs a new partner.
She may go back to him more than once. Abusers have a great power over their victims, which you can't understand unless you've been there.
This is not an irrecoverrable situation, but it won't fall into your lap, you'll have to put in a lot of work, and have a lot of patience.
She will be extremely confused right now. It won't clear up overnight.
If you think she's worth waiting for, then keep at it, be that friend, be her rock, and you never know, it might work out for you.
If you don't think you can, then walk away. Otherwise both of you will get hurt.
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