Need some advice on this situation i've gotten myself into. (dating, movies)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Need some help/advice from logical people on this situation. The following is quite long, so bear with me.
Met a woman at college a few quarters ago, talked in class made her laugh, normal stuff. Few weeks go by, about 5 months ago her and her x break up. A couple of days later she messages me on fb mentions she thought i was married we talk for a week or so, she invites me to a family bbq and introduces me to her parents. Jyly 4th rolls around we go watch fireworks on the beach end up kissing / cuddling during & when the night is over, few days after she comes over and we mess around a little but no sex.
A week and a half or 2 later same thing but she stays the night. During this time she was living with a female friend. We talk a little more on fb and try to plan something but conflicting work schedules get in the way, last wednesday she mentions wanting a traditional food on fb, i jokingly said i'd love to cook for her sometime thinking nothing of it. Friday I get a few texts from her out of the blue wanting to cook dinner for me at my place, I didnt have time to run to the store after work so turns into her inviting me to her place for dinner. Everything is going good on the couch - kissing / cuddling / back massauge and so on; we go out for dinner and come back.
Meanwhile shes sort of laying on me with her hand on my thigh smiling alot while we're eating on the floor. 10:30pm or so (he was supposed to be off work around midnight she later tells me) rolls around and we hear a key in the lock - her smile disappears, her hand moves from my thigh, and she moves about a foot away from me. The ex walks in (she mentioned it was her place for dinner, I didn't even think it was their apartment when they split up until leaving at the end of the night when she mentions it) I can see in the tv reflection hes staring in my direction (prior to this she had caught him cheating on her in her bed with a few girls which ended their relationship.) Doesn't introduce himself or say anything, goes to the bathroom comes out grabs the remote from the floor by us and proceeds to ask mine and her opinion on actors / movies pertaining to movies & actors on comcast's on demand interrupting us while we're talking. During this time no touch and always a space between us, looks at me more then a few times and tries to smile but he's looking in her direction. Around 12:30 I got tired of it and mentioned i was leaving she looks a little sad, tries to smile and walks me to the door. Soon as we're outside instant kissing / touching me says she doesn't want me to go. She then mentions something about him not being home till midnight that night and apologizes for it. This is where I started wondering if something is up.
I've been in some weird situations before but this has me perplexed. It's a 1 bedroom apartment and she mentioned sleeps on the futon in the living room while hes in the bedroom. The 2nd time we hung out we ended up talking about relationships and she mentioned she wanted some fun which I was ok with, but it turned into some sort of relationship with the cuddling and all that she initiated. She went to the extent of cleaning up lighting candles / nice long backrub for me when i went to her place for dinner.
Monday she texts me while im at work and says hi, I (thinking they broke up which they did, and thinking their is nothing between them) say hi and ask how her day went. We get to talking and I ask what the deal with her ex is and how soon as he arrived everything stopped. In my head im thinking either she did it to make him jealous or just likes the atttention but doesn't want to go further then fooling around. She apologizes saying she didnt know what his reaction would be. I ask why his reaction would matter since they stopped seeing eachother a while ago and their isnt anything between them. No response. Prior to me going over there for dinner, and a few days after their is alot of flirting and planning more things out to do, which is giving me mixed signals.
About 4 hours later im afk on fb while helping a friend at his place with car issues. Her status update says something about dinner and a movie, me not really paying attention thinks its with a lady friend of hers she mentioned that was having problems. About 45 or so minutes later she says hi, I say hi back and click on the picture to see if her friend cheered up at all and is feeling better...its a pic of her and the ex eating / drinking before catching a movie...
I again ask why his reaction would matter to which she replies it matters because she really has nowhere else to go. During all this since before the 4th she mentioned she was looking for an apartment of her own, and how he was moving out of state for work. I ask if he is still moving out of state to which she replies no his work would rather not hire more people & how the situation seems awkward and it is. She also mentions she doesn't have feelings for him but doesn't want to make it harder on herself.
I'm stumped because I'd like a serious relationship with her / an fwb at the least because we get along great, enjoy each other's company, and have alot of interests in common. But it seems if something did happen it would always be in the back of my head of how im only a friend when hes around (like the night he came home) and how she tends to only message me on fb at weird times / doesn't respond when we talk about certain things. Is their anyway to tell if she is completely done with him or should I just move on? She may have low self esteem / confidense issues due to this guy and the last few guys prior to him being douches. Keep in mind the last few women for me had alot of drama attached so I was hoping this one would be different and help with my confidence a little.
Any help / advice is greatly appreciated.
Last edited by EpochWraith; 08-02-2011 at 04:56 AM..
I don't blame you in the least for your ambivalence. It sounds decidedly peculiar that she broke up with this man over five months ago but that neither of them have found another place to live. I'm confused too that when you first went to "her" place she was "living with a female friend".
She's not being honest with you at all while it also seems that you're maybe not asking the right questions! If you're uncomfortable with the situation then tell her so. If she's not willing to do anything about it then you know where you stand and have to come to a decision. If she's stringing you along she doesn't sound overly bright if she posts a photo of she and the "ex" doing dinner and a movie ... duh.
Need some help/advice from logical people on this situation. The following is quite long, so bear with me.
Met a woman at college a few quarters ago, talked in class made her laugh, normal stuff. Few weeks go by, about 5 months ago her and her x break up. A couple of days later she messages me on fb mentions she thought i was married we talk for a week or so, she invites me to a family bbq and introduces me to her parents. Jyly 4th rolls around we go watch fireworks on the beach end up kissing / cuddling during & when the night is over, few days after she comes over and we mess around a little but no sex.
A week and a half or 2 later same thing but she stays the night. During this time she was living with a female friend. We talk a little more on fb and try to plan something but conflicting work schedules get in the way, last wednesday she mentions wanting a traditional food on fb, i jokingly said i'd love to cook for her sometime thinking nothing of it. Friday I get a few texts from her out of the blue wanting to cook dinner for me at my place, I didnt have time to run to the store after work so turns into her inviting me to her place for dinner. Everything is going good on the couch - kissing / cuddling / back massauge and so on; we go out for dinner and come back.
Meanwhile shes sort of laying on me with her hand on my thigh smiling alot while we're eating on the floor. 10:30pm or so (he was supposed to be off work around midnight she later tells me) rolls around and we hear a key in the lock - her smile disappears, her hand moves from my thigh, and she moves about a foot away from me. The ex walks in (she mentioned it was her place for dinner, I didn't even think it was their apartment when they split up until leaving at the end of the night when she mentions it) I can see in the tv reflection hes staring in my direction. Doesn't introduce himself or say anything goes to the bathroom comes out grabs the remote from the floor by us and proceeds to ask mine and her opinion on actors / movies pertaining to movies & actors on comcast's on demand interrupting us while we're talking. During this time no touch and always a space between us, looks at me more then a few times and tries to smile but he's looking in her direction. Around 12:30 I got tired of it and mentioned i was leaving she looks at me trying to smile and walks me to the door. Soon as we're outside instant kissing / touching me says she doesn't want me to go. She then mentions something about him not being home till midnight that night and apologizes for it. This is where I started wondering if something is up.
I've been in some weird situations before but this has me perplexed. It's a 1 bedroom apartment and she sleeps on the futon in the living room while hes in the bedroom. It started as a fun on the side thing, but turned into some sort of relationship with the cuddling and all that she initiated.
Monday she texts me while im at work and says hi, I (thinking they broke up which they did, and thinking their is nothing between them) say hi and ask how her day went we get to talking and I ask what the deal with her ex is and how soon as he arrived everything stopped. When I saw it, it made me feel like i was just there to make him jealous or because she likes the attention / something along those lines. She apologizes saying she didnt know what his reaction would be. I ask why his reaction would matter since they stopped seeing eachother a while ago and their isnt anything between them. No response.
About 4 hours later im afk on fb while helping a friend at his place with car issues. Her status update says something about dinner and a movie, me not really paying attention thinks its with a lady friend of hers that was having problems. About 45 or so minutes later she says hi, I say hi back and click on the picture to see if her friend cheered up at all and is feeling better...its a pic of her and the ex eating / drinking before catching a movie.
I again ask why his reaction would matter to which she replies it matters because she really has nowhere else to go. During all this since before the 4th she mentioned she was looking for an apartment of her own, and how he was moving out of state for work. I ask if he is still moving out of state to which she replies no, how it sounds awkward and it is. She also mentions she doesn't have feelings for him but doesn't want to make it harder on herself.
I'm stumped because I'd like a serious relationship with her / an fwb at the least because we get along great, enjoy each other's company, and have alot of interests in common. But it seems if something did happen it would always be in the back of my head of how im only a friend when hes around (like the night he came home) and how she tends to only message me on fb at weird times / doesn't respond when we talk about certain things. Is their anyway to tell if she is completely done with him or should I just move on? Keep in mind the last few women prior to hear had alot of drama attached so I was hoping this one would be different and help with my confidence a little.
Any help / advice is greatly appreciated.
She gave you a response. You just didn't pick up on it.
They aren't exes. She's not sleeping on the futon. He was never going to move out of town.
In case you missed it, she's lying to you, and cheating on him...with you.
My advice: Go. Bail. Run. Leave. Beat it. Vamoose. Am-scray. Take off, take a hike, take a powder, take your leave, take the A train. Go gently into that good night.
Like another poster said, Go. Girls like this are still playing highschool games with your heart. If her "ex" was truly an ex, he wouldnt be in the same apartment. She has no friends or family she could stay with? Is she destitute with no income whatsoever and must depend on this guy for her basic daily needs? Is she trying to set you up to take care of her too?
There are red flags all over this "relationship". Dont waste your time here, she will not solve your loneliness but only add to it over the next few months as she keeps you off balance, always second guessing her moods and motives. Who needs it?
Also this, her "ex" was probably once a guy like you, who thought he had found love with this girl and had obviously cared enough about her to bring her into his home and life. You can never really know what that relationship has been like, you are only getting a stripped down, biased version from her.
Rockjock: thanks for giving me another point of view, im honestly considering ignoring her completely.
Stt: she was living with a female friend of hers up till 2 weeks ago when the landlord (her friends mom) found out that she was staying there as well and booted her, she mentioned she had found a place but didnt mention it was her and her ex's place until i went to leave on the night she had me over for dinner. Sorry about the confusion.
Pagan: thanks for the pov of a woman . She has adopted parents but they are former military of the mindset that their children need to be on their own after 18, plus she has a kid with a previous husband of which they share custody (which i thought would make her mature and not into games / drama, i was wrong). She mentioned a part time job, but im thinking shes basically living off school loans / financial aid till shes done around the same time as i finish at college. Ty all for responding and giving some insight, i really appreciate it. :P
Last edited by EpochWraith; 08-02-2011 at 06:17 AM..
I get the sense that he is either abusive emotionally towards her or controlling...something like that. I can't put my finger on it but her reaction when he came home makes me a little suspicious.
If she was trying to make him jealous with you there, she wouldn't have put so much space between you. If she is still seeing him and cheating on him with you, his reaction would have been much different.
She sounds like she walks on eggshells around him. Is she stuck in her living situation? Can she move out on her own?
IDK...I'd have a conversation with her and dig a little deeper. She isn't going to just announce that he abuses her or tries to control her, but I'd be suspicious about what goes on behind closed doors.
I get the sense that he is either abusive emotionally towards her or controlling...something like that. I can't put my finger on it but her reaction when he came home makes me a little suspicious.
If she was trying to make him jealous with you there, she wouldn't have put so much space between you. If she is still seeing him and cheating on him with you, his reaction would have been much different.
She sounds like she walks on eggshells around him. Is she stuck in her living situation? Can she move out on her own?
IDK...I'd have a conversation with her and dig a little deeper. She isn't going to just announce that he absuses her or tries to control her, but I'd be suspicious about what goes on behind closed doors.
She's in the same IT field as me, and has a job ready when she graduates, but tbh their arent many IT jobs around here atm. The lady friend she was staying with worked out for a while, and their seems to be no other option for a place to live though she's mentioned looking for and finding apartments more then a few times.
From what i've gathered, the x and the ex husband (with which she has a kid) were both mentally and emotionally abusive towards her. When I saw her on campus before they broke up, if she didn't look happy id say hi or she would say hi to me. One day on the way to my next class she said hi & as i was walking away i could hear him practically yelling stuff like this: "who's that?" "how do you know him? "do you have classes together?" "do you hang out after school alone?" Just generally being insecure. Also, about 3 times she came home and caught this ex (the one that walked in when she had me over for dinner) with another girl in her / her daughter's bed. Our circle of acquaintances / friends mentioned it a few times and we were all trying to cheer her up after it happened (before me and her started hanging out.) I'm not too sure how to dig a little deeper without putting her on the spot and making her completely shut down, any ideas? I figured when i responded and said "why would it matter since you and him havn't been together for a while" that would give me some insight to what's going on, but it didn't work out and now it seems like it wasn't the best thing to say if he is indeed a abusive douche.
Last edited by EpochWraith; 08-02-2011 at 06:05 AM..
... im going to ignore her and stop talking to her.... Im going to completely ignore her, ty all for responding and giving some insight, i really appreciate it. :P
Quote:
Originally Posted by EpochWraith
... I'm not too sure how to dig a little deeper without putting her on the spot and making her completely shut down, any ideas?
Within all of ten minutes a complete contradiction?
First of all, the poor girl is quite a disaster with not only unresolved bad history both past and present but a child to deal with as well. She's a prime candidate for professional counseling and this is a situation you simply don't need to be in at this stage of your life.
I absolutely don't agree with your simply shutting her out and ignoring her. That is so NOT the manly thing to do. In fact it's childish, crass and downright rude. If you're going to stop seeing her (and I firmly believe for your own good that that should be your decision) you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly why, as well as encourage her to get some help. Open your mouth and TALK. You have a set of vocal cords, a functioning brain and a mouth, all designed for communication purposes. The girl is a mess but dumping her and ignoring her isn't exactly helpful. Good luck.
This woman has disaster written all over her. If you want to keep being dragged along into the drama, pursue her. Otherwise, thank your lucky stars that you only got in this far, and walk away.
There are many unknowns that I doubt you'll ever be sure of, like whether or not they're still sleeping together (not unheard of) and when they actually broke up. But just based on what you do know for a fact, I think this is a disaster in the making. She clearly has boundary issues and has no qualms about misleading you while living with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. (That's about the time you should have walked out.) If she had a head of any kind on her shoulders, she would have made the first priority finding a place of her own and getting completely, 100% single. Then, she would have started dating new people.
Then to go on to the FB update where they're going out for dinner and movies and posting pictures of it? Clearly she has no intention of cutting this guy out of her life. You saw by her reaction when he came home early that he'll come first. Ask yourself if you really want that. And yes, she may have self-esteem issues, etc, but don't be tempted to try to "heal" her or think that a relationship with you will make everything go away. It won't. She's not a stable partner and from the sound of things, has no capacity to be in the near future.
I'm not too sure how to dig a little deeper without putting her on the spot and making her completely shut down, any ideas? I figured when i responded and said "why would it matter since you and him havn't been together for a while" that would give me some insight to what's going on, but it didn't work out and now it seems like it wasn't the best thing to say if he is indeed a abusive douche.
The best thing you could do is to walk away.
This woman has huge problems. You don't choose two abusive men unless there's something wrong with you on the inside, and it sounds like her issues go back even farther than that. You can't fix this. Only she can fix it, and it would take years of work. Don't be tempted to be a rescuer. You should ask yourself why you have a pattern of choosing women with a laundry list of drama and problems. That in and of itself is an issue too.
Particularly if this woman has a child, you should NOT consider using her for FWB. Do the right thing and walk away.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. She has adopted parents but they are former military of the mindset that their children need to be on their own after 18, plus she has a kid with a previous husband of which they share custody (which i thought would make her mature and not into games / drama, i was wrong). She mentioned a part time job, but im thinking shes basically living off school loans / financial aid till shes done around the same time as i finish at college. Ty all for responding and giving some insight, i really appreciate it. :P
