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Leave this situation ASAP. Whether or not you wish to confront her to try to get the truth out, it's up to you; if you choose to do so, it'd definitely be understandable as she has confused you.
But let's recap:
- he walks in, she totally backs away from you and becomes tense
- the guy stares daggers at you, is not friendly; he does not introduce himself to you and she doesn't introduce you to each other
- they're at a dinner date
She's playing you - and possibly playing him. She may indeed be needy/dependent on the man for living arrangements, but that's not your problem.
If a woman is available and willing to engage a man in a committed dating relationship, she will not be living in the residence of a single man - certainly not a man who was her ex - unless there was absolutely NOTHING going on between them. If he and she had had no previous relationship; if they had some kind of peculiar friendship where nothing beyond friendship happened or could/would happen, then MAYBE - and if so... if this man was no threat or no "element" in her dating life... her mood wouldn't have changed. She would have heartily introduced you to him and he would've been friendly and nice with you. But this scenario shows there is some underlying issue which has not been closed and your presence isn't going to bring it any closer to closure.
Get out and find a woman who will be down-to-Earth enough not to play games. They are out there.
Within all of ten minutes a complete contradiction?
First of all, the poor girl is quite a disaster with not only unresolved bad history both past and present but a child to deal with as well. She's a prime candidate for professional counseling and this is a situation you simply don't need to be in at this stage of your life.
I absolutely don't agree with your simply shutting her out and ignoring her. That is so NOT the manly thing to do. In fact it's childish, crass and downright rude. If you're going to stop seeing her (and I firmly believe for your own good that that should be your decision) you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly why, as well as encourage her to get some help. Open your mouth and TALK. You have a set of vocal cords, a functioning brain and a mouth, all designed for communication purposes. The girl is a mess but dumping her and ignoring her isn't exactly helpful. Good luck.
Sorry for the conradiction, before i edited it i posted how i was going to complete ignore her and stop talking to her. Then i thought about how if hes controling and abusive that would be a dick move on my part and i should at least see if i can help her in some way.
As soon as the opportunity presents itself in the next few days im going to sit down and do exactly what you mentioned above. Again, sorry about the edit. I somewhat have add when it comes to typing and i tend to go over things in my head again and again after i post.
Edit: Considering the points other posters have brought up on the situation im going back and forth on whether i should attempt to help her or not.
This woman has disaster written all over her. If you want to keep being dragged along into the drama, pursue her. Otherwise, thank your lucky stars that you only got in this far, and walk away.
There are many unknowns that I doubt you'll ever be sure of, like whether or not they're still sleeping together (not unheard of) and when they actually broke up. But just based on what you do know for a fact, I think this is a disaster in the making. She clearly has boundary issues and has no qualms about misleading you while living with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment. (That's about the time you should have walked out.) If she had a head of any kind on her shoulders, she would have made the first priority finding a place of her own and getting completely, 100% single. Then, she would have started dating new people.
Then to go on to the FB update where they're going out for dinner and movies and posting pictures of it? Clearly she has no intention of cutting this guy out of her life. You saw by her reaction when he came home early that he'll come first. Ask yourself if you really want that. And yes, she may have self-esteem issues, etc, but don't be tempted to try to "heal" her or think that a relationship with you will make everything go away. It won't. She's not a stable partner and from the sound of things, has no capacity to be in the near future.
Don't waste your time.
^^ This.
I do however agree with STT Resident that it'd be good for you to speak to the woman about what's going on - and you should probably encourage her, nudge her to take steps to get her life in better shape - but after that, boundaries must be observed. You cannot fix the lives of others.
I agree with STT too. Just make sure your follow up choices do not enable her co-dependency. Whenever I broke up with an ex I made sure to find a new living space asap. Its not that hard. She can get a job at the school if she needs extra money but she is wasting mind space on the ex's and you instead of relying on herself for financial and emotional support. I think she is trying to get close to you so she can live wherever you are. Don't let her move in under any circumstances even if just temporary. She needs to be on her own.
Sorry for the conradiction, before i edited it i posted how i was going to complete ignore her and stop talking to her. Then i thought about how if hes controling and abusive that would be a dick move on my part and i should at least see if i can help her in some way.
As soon as the opportunity presents itself in the next few days im going to sit down and do exactly what you mentioned above. Again, sorry about the edit. I somewhat have add when it comes to typing and i tend to go over things in my head again and again after i post.
Edit: Considering the points other posters have brought up on the situation im going back and forth on whether i should attempt to help her or not.
Some more advice which is that you don't "wait for the opportunity to present itself in the next few days" but be proactive. Set a date and a time with her in a neutral space. SOON! Any parks/open spaces nearby where you might "bench it" away from prying ears and eyes? Trust me, that's way better than meeting at either your or her place, in a restaurant or bar or a coffee shop (or late at night period when the phase of the moon can fudge up the best intentions ). Spring for a couple of sandwiches and some sodas and make it a "lunch date". It doesn't have to be a drama-ridden meeting. Think about what's bothering you and articulate it as well as you have done on this thread (or even better once you stop vacillating!)
I very much doubt you have ADD. Your "symptoms" are indicative of "human-ness" not ADD. Most thinking humans do go over things mentally several times before making decisions.
I will add one more thing. When I was your age and even younger the internet didn't exist. I know that somehow seems odd today but it really wasn't that long ago. I've often thought in the last few years that if forums such as these existed when I was young and fumbling with independent living (I was out on my own at 16) I might not have made as many mistakes as I did. Not that I didn't eventually learn from them and I don't regret everything but some things I could have avoided.
I was VERY well-read and socially adaptable due to a most interesting upbringing but there is no doubt that I was lacking where relationships were concerned.
The dichotomy is that more and more people today RELY on the anonymity of forums to get answers. Real communication gets slung to the wayside and I see it so often on these forums where people make and break relationships and marriages via TEXTING.
Anyway, I don't want to bore you to death with grandmotherly advice and would rather bore you with plain common sense.
Your friend needs help. You're in no way sufficiently committed to her to be a part of her healing process. You have to be honest with her. She will in all likelihood very much resent what you decide to say to her but you're going to have to learn when to shut up and both when and how to speak.
The truth is that you do care about her and that's obvious from what you've said from the get-go. But you're not either responsible for her prevarication and procrastination but not a "fixer" either.
Don't let her move in under any circumstances even if just temporary. She needs to be on her own.
I very much hope that the OP sees woods for trees and wouldn't even consider it.
And you're right. She needs to be on her own. She has a child with an ex-husband and I assume she doesn't have custody of that child. She's only 24. The child was from the ex-husband and she was living with the ex boyfriend (NOT the baby's daddy) for some time even until 5 months ago. So exactly who cares for the child? Obviously not her.
OP, say your piece, guide her as a friend but remove yourself from the equation.
Some more advice which is that you don't "wait for the opportunity to present itself in the next few days" but be proactive. Set a date and a time with her in a neutral space. SOON! Any parks/open spaces nearby where you might "bench it" away from prying ears and eyes? Trust me, that's way better than meeting at either your or her place, in a restaurant or bar or a coffee shop (or late at night period when the phase of the moon can fudge up the best intentions ). Spring for a couple of sandwiches and some sodas and make it a "lunch date". It doesn't have to be a drama-ridden meeting. Think about what's bothering you and articulate it as well as you have done on this thread (or even better once you stop vacillating!)
I very much doubt you have ADD. Your "symptoms" are indicative of "human-ness" not ADD. Most thinking humans do go over things mentally several times before making decisions.
I will add one more thing. When I was your age and even younger the internet didn't exist. I know that somehow seems odd today but it really wasn't that long ago. I've often thought in the last few years that if forums such as these existed when I was young and fumbling with independent living (I was out on my own at 16) I might not have made as many mistakes as I did. Not that I didn't eventually learn from them and I don't regret everything but some things I could have avoided.
I was VERY well-read and socially adaptable due to a most interesting upbringing but there is no doubt that I was lacking where relationships were concerned.
The dichotomy is that more and more people today RELY on the anonymity of forums to get answers. Real communication gets slung to the wayside and I see it so often on these forums where people make and break relationships and marriages via TEXTING.
Anyway, I don't want to bore you to death with grandmotherly advice and would rather bore you with plain common sense.
Your friend needs help. You're in no way sufficiently committed to her to be a part of her healing process. You have to be honest with her. She will in all likelihood very much resent what you decide to say to her but you're going to have to learn when to shut up and both when and how to speak.
The truth is that you do care about her and that's obvious from what you've said from the get-go. But you're not either responsible for her prevarication and procrastination but not a "fixer" either.
Good luck!
Great advice. EpochWraith, indeed, go and be proactive. Life has taught me that being proactive is better than being reactive and passive - even if proactive behavior at times doesn't bring the consequences or results we hope for. Based on the original post it doesn't seem this woman will do anything - either approach you to let you go (which would ultimately not be a bad thing even if it hurts your pride) or to tell you she's done w/ that guy and wants to be committed to you.
Reach out to her, and get this out of your system. As STT said, we all think things over before carrying them out. The last time I had to confront a woman I was dating to end it, I agonized it over a few days. Turns out she herself didn't see us working out either and she appreciated that I was the one who raised the issue first. She probably wouldn't have done it. It ended well - we shook hands and parted ways and I felt 1000lbs lighter afterwards.
Oftentimes, confrontations are "difficult" because we imagine they will be, and while they are often unpleasant, once they are done - the burden is lifted.
Need some help/advice from logical people on this situation. The following is quite long, so bear with me.
Met a woman at college a few quarters ago, talked in class made her laugh, normal stuff. Few weeks go by, about 5 months ago her and her x break up. A couple of days later she messages me on fb mentions she thought i was married we talk for a week or so, she invites me to a family bbq and introduces me to her parents. Jyly 4th rolls around we go watch fireworks on the beach end up kissing / cuddling during & when the night is over, few days after she comes over and we mess around a little but no sex.
A week and a half or 2 later same thing but she stays the night. During this time she was living with a female friend. We talk a little more on fb and try to plan something but conflicting work schedules get in the way, last wednesday she mentions wanting a traditional food on fb, i jokingly said i'd love to cook for her sometime thinking nothing of it. Friday I get a few texts from her out of the blue wanting to cook dinner for me at my place, I didnt have time to run to the store after work so turns into her inviting me to her place for dinner. Everything is going good on the couch - kissing / cuddling / back massauge and so on; we go out for dinner and come back.
Meanwhile shes sort of laying on me with her hand on my thigh smiling alot while we're eating on the floor. 10:30pm or so (he was supposed to be off work around midnight she later tells me) rolls around and we hear a key in the lock - her smile disappears, her hand moves from my thigh, and she moves about a foot away from me. The ex walks in (she mentioned it was her place for dinner, I didn't even think it was their apartment when they split up until leaving at the end of the night when she mentions it) I can see in the tv reflection hes staring in my direction (prior to this she had caught him cheating on her in her bed with a few girls which ended their relationship.) Doesn't introduce himself or say anything, goes to the bathroom comes out grabs the remote from the floor by us and proceeds to ask mine and her opinion on actors / movies pertaining to movies & actors on comcast's on demand interrupting us while we're talking. During this time no touch and always a space between us, looks at me more then a few times and tries to smile but he's looking in her direction. Around 12:30 I got tired of it and mentioned i was leaving she looks a little sad, tries to smile and walks me to the door. Soon as we're outside instant kissing / touching me says she doesn't want me to go. She then mentions something about him not being home till midnight that night and apologizes for it. This is where I started wondering if something is up.
I've been in some weird situations before but this has me perplexed. It's a 1 bedroom apartment and she mentioned sleeps on the futon in the living room while hes in the bedroom. The 2nd time we hung out we ended up talking about relationships and she mentioned she wanted some fun which I was ok with, but it turned into some sort of relationship with the cuddling and all that she initiated. She went to the extent of cleaning up lighting candles / nice long backrub for me when i went to her place for dinner.
Monday she texts me while im at work and says hi, I (thinking they broke up which they did, and thinking their is nothing between them) say hi and ask how her day went. We get to talking and I ask what the deal with her ex is and how soon as he arrived everything stopped. In my head im thinking either she did it to make him jealous or just likes the atttention but doesn't want to go further then fooling around. She apologizes saying she didnt know what his reaction would be. I ask why his reaction would matter since they stopped seeing eachother a while ago and their isnt anything between them. No response. Prior to me going over there for dinner, and a few days after their is alot of flirting and planning more things out to do, which is giving me mixed signals.
About 4 hours later im afk on fb while helping a friend at his place with car issues. Her status update says something about dinner and a movie, me not really paying attention thinks its with a lady friend of hers she mentioned that was having problems. About 45 or so minutes later she says hi, I say hi back and click on the picture to see if her friend cheered up at all and is feeling better...its a pic of her and the ex eating / drinking before catching a movie...
I again ask why his reaction would matter to which she replies it matters because she really has nowhere else to go. During all this since before the 4th she mentioned she was looking for an apartment of her own, and how he was moving out of state for work. I ask if he is still moving out of state to which she replies no his work would rather not hire more people & how the situation seems awkward and it is. She also mentions she doesn't have feelings for him but doesn't want to make it harder on herself.
I'm stumped because I'd like a serious relationship with her / an fwb at the least because we get along great, enjoy each other's company, and have alot of interests in common. But it seems if something did happen it would always be in the back of my head of how im only a friend when hes around (like the night he came home) and how she tends to only message me on fb at weird times / doesn't respond when we talk about certain things. Is their anyway to tell if she is completely done with him or should I just move on? She may have low self esteem / confidense issues due to this guy and the last few guys prior to him being douches. Keep in mind the last few women for me had alot of drama attached so I was hoping this one would be different and help with my confidence a little.
Any help / advice is greatly appreciated.
Find a new girl man. Right now she is trying to decide between a Chevy Corsica and a Ford Pinto and she is treating you like the Pinto.
Great advice. ... Oftentimes, confrontations are "difficult" because we imagine they will be, and while they are often unpleasant, once they are done - the burden is lifted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeShoreSoxGo
Find a new girl man. Right now she is trying to decide between a Chevy Corsica and a Ford Pinto and she is treating you like the Pinto.
I confess confusion about the historical analogy between a Corsica and Pinto as related to the current thread. Pray tell and advise. I rather doubt that any response will have anything whatsoever to do with this thread.
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). Spring for a couple of sandwiches and some sodas and make it a "lunch date". It doesn't have to be a drama-ridden meeting. Think about what's bothering you and articulate it as well as you have done on this thread (or even better once you stop vacillating!)
