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That would be effective if she had told him from the get-go that she would not tolerate that kind of behavior. She has been tolerating it all along, so the first thing she has to do is let him know it is not acceptable.
In that situation, I would just say, CALMLY, "There is no need to yell or get upset. Yelling at me is going to have no effect on me, and it is not going to get you what you want because I can't hear you. When you can speak to me in a normal tone of voice about this, let me know."
And then I would go into another room, turn on the TV, open a book, or put on a headset. If he kept carrying on like a two-year-old, I would go for a drive.
Exactly, he's talking and treating you like a child and you are letting him do it. That places some liability on your part.
There also seems to be a severe lack of respectful communication between both of you. Picking up the phone and saying your calling the plumber because the toilet is leaking isn't difficult and he should discuss expenses with you in the same manner. You both need to agree to communicate when it comes to purchases.
I think the problem goes much deeper than this though and while you make him out to be a control freak, I know there are three sides to every story and at this point I see you doing nothing but making excuses to feeding the beast...see below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by callalillies
He just broke one of the pictures hanging on the wall. And disconnected the faucet. And told me if I learned my lesson on not ever calling a plumber without his permission.
As a month ago, he broke something on the toilet and it was dripping, so I called a plumber to fix it. ANd he got mad then. So this time, he really flipped out. I've never seen him act like this.
I don't know how to leave as he took the car and the other car is a truck and that's too big for me to drive...
BIG FAT EXCUSE. There is always a method. ALWAYS.
I'm not sold you are looking for anything else but a pity party at this point.
We have gold brass fixtures in our guest bathroom. We bought new fixtures for it and my husband said he replace them. My husband began removing the shower fixture, so now there is a hole in the shower stall. For 3 months, we've had a hole there. So today I called a plumber to come and replace it. It was like 100 bucks for him to do it and my husband was slamming doors and was yelling at me because I decided to call a plumber.
I'm so sick of being treated like crap. We certainly can afford the 100 bucks. He thinks it's a waste of money, but it's ok for him to buy a 7000 dollar dining room set...
The money I spend is miniscule in comparison to the things he buys...
and????????
If you feel your husband is treating you like crap for JUST THIS then you need the help not him. IF he does this all the time then again YOU NEED HELP. Unless you enjoy it.
Common sense if you are not happy an are being treated like crap then LEAVE!
So, next time he starts and doesn't finish a project, get a written estimate from a pro and show it to him. And give him a due date to get the job done himself. And remind him he now has the power until that date to not spend the money. And that if the job has not been done, then you will interpret that as permission to call the pro.
So, next time he starts and doesn't finish a project, get a written estimate from a pro and show it to him. And give him a due date to get the job done himself. And remind him he now has the power until that date to not spend the money. And that if the job has not been done, then you will interpret that as permission to call the pro.
He just broke one of the pictures hanging on the wall. And disconnected the faucet. And told me if I learned my lesson on not ever calling a plumber without his permission.
As a month ago, he broke something on the toilet and it was dripping, so I called a plumber to fix it. ANd he got mad then. So this time, he really flipped out. I've never seen him act like this.
I don't know how to leave as he took the car and the other car is a truck and that's too big for me to drive...
Oh wait, I know this! (hand up) Call on me, call on me! But first some questions:
Does he also give you the silent treatment -- not speak to you and stay away from home, or leave home, for hours or days, if you utter a syllable of disagreement?
Does he undermine you in front of friends or strangers? Did he make you distance from friends or family members he doesn't like or don't like him?
Does he with-hold money or mutual possessions (sometimes without telling you)? Or spend like a maniac on stuff he wants and then say "it's my money" but question even your minor purchases?
Do all the problems have to be your fault -- as in: "if you hadn't done ____, I wouldn't have broken the thing/gotten angry/said those things to you"?
Did he buy those vehicles and other things without your input? Did he undermine your confidence about being able to drive "the big truck" so that you feel incapable (of this and many other things, including leaving him)? Does he take the car like that often and leave you stranded?
Does he push you, shove you, smack you and say "get out of my way", and physically dominate you (if not outright beat you up), scream that you're a 'b****', scream 'f you' at you, and then act syrupy sweet and nice in front of other people?
If the answer to those is YES -- I'd tell you WE MARRIED THE SAME GUY! Congratulations...not!
It took me a long time to leave his abusive azz because he so undermined my confidence I didn't think I could survive without him or on my own. He did this slowly and gradually, while I took the type of treatment you are experiencing by "taking the high road", trying not to react, and saying "I am not going to let this get to me, it's not that important", but the behavior got worse and worse, and my self-esteem was in a death spiral. Also we have kids, and I didn't want them to live in an explosive household, so I let him have his way so he wouldn't have a tantrum. Everyone walked on eggshells when he was home. What I didn't know was that he was knocking them around when I wasn't home. They did not tell me until later.
Now we live separate lives, and amazingly we are on good terms, which seems to suit the whole family. It took me a long time to get to that place though, I had to get over the anger, pain, and crappy self-esteem (I'm still working on that one). One unique feature is that he's gay, and being closeted makes some people perpetually angry. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case in your life, but when I realized that I stopped taking everything as being MY fault. I was never going to be what he really wanted, never.
Start to build up momentum to leave this situation, is my advice. Get in touch with organizations in your area that help abused spouses. I joined a support group (and even THEY were shocked by what I'd put up with for so many years), it helped me understand a lot of things.
I have a feeling that there's a lot more you didn't say. Situations like this do not get better, they get worse. Please don't let your life dribble away like the holes in the plumbing. You are worth more than this.
Yelling, slamming doors and cursing are not okay. Not ever. No excuse. Have you guys considered marriage counseling? Have you considered how far you're willing to go if he's not willing to come to counseling with you?
We went a couple times, but he just gets mad after the fact when I say things.
Or doesn't like it when they side with me.
Quote:
Now, understanding that his reaction is NOT OKAY and that I am not excusing it... how did you go about communicating the shower issue with him? Because I'm sensing that the communication problems in this relationship may be two-sided, just based on what you've posted here. Did you sit down with him and say, "Honey, I was thinking I might call a plumber for the shower head. Can we talk about that?" Or did you just do it without discussing it with him? I have to wonder if it might be a pride thing--many men don't like to admit they can't do simple home repairs--it's an ego bruiser to hire another handier man to come into their house and do the work they couldn't. It might have felt emasculating when you called this guy in without even talking to him about it.
And no, I'm not saying you want a hole in the shower forever. Believe me, this is a common husband complaint that "I'll do that next weekend" turns into two years. You're hardly the first wife in this position. But it may mean you two need to work on your communication and find ways to compromise. You say he's not lazy. You say he works very hard. Sounds like he has good qualities and maybe is under a lot of stress. Or, it may be you two just don't make each other happy any more and would be happier with other people. I'm not sure. Only you can know how bad things are.
Hmm. Well I mentioned a few times to please fix it by this weekend or next weekend. And I said let's just get a plumber. He alsways said he would do it this weekend and it never gets done. However, I didn't go about it exactly the way some have mentioned it. We should have come up with a compromise, and said ok you have a month to do ti, and if it's not done I can get a plumber.
Exactly, he's talking and treating you like a child and you are letting him do it. That places some liability on your part.
There also seems to be a severe lack of respectful communication between both of you. Picking up the phone and saying your calling the plumber because the toilet is leaking isn't difficult and he should discuss expenses with you in the same manner. You both need to agree to communicate when it comes to purchases.
I think the problem goes much deeper than this though and while you make him out to be a control freak, I know there are three sides to every story and at this point I see you doing nothing but making excuses to feeding the beast...see below.
BIG FAT EXCUSE. There is always a method. ALWAYS.
I'm not sold you are looking for anything else but a pity party at this point.
This is true. I actually ended up packing a suitcase and my laptop. I've checked into a hotel. Not sure what to do...I just feel like he's blown it out of proportion. There was no need to scream and break things...
He also got very upset the other night when I had a late shift at work till 9:15 and got out at 10:15 instead. He was emailing me every 5-10 minutes asking when I could leave. The exec at work was with me and wouldn't let me leave and my husband got very mad.
He thinks my work is unreasonable by having me on a late shift once a week in which i have to work till around 9pm. And gets upset when I leave around 6pm at work instead of 5 or 5:30. (I get to work at 9AM, so it's a normal day when I leave at 5).
These couple things where I am getting yelled at for unreasonable things I feel is not right...
Oh wait, I know this! (hand up) Call on me, call on me! But first some questions:
Does he also give you the silent treatment -- not speak to you and stay away from home, or leave home, for hours or days, if you utter a syllable of disagreement?
Does he undermine you in front of friends or strangers? Did he make you distance from friends or family members he doesn't like or don't like him?
Does he with-hold money or mutual possessions (sometimes without telling you)? Or spend like a maniac on stuff he wants and then say "it's my money" but question even your minor purchases?
Do all the problems have to be your fault -- as in: "if you hadn't done ____, I wouldn't have broken the thing/gotten angry/said those things to you"?
Did he buy those vehicles and other things without your input? Did he undermine your confidence about being able to drive "the big truck" so that you feel incapable (of this and many other things, including leaving him)? Does he take the car like that often and leave you stranded?
Does he push you, shove you, smack you and say "get out of my way", and physically dominate you (if not outright beat you up), scream that you're a 'b****', scream 'f you' at you, and then act syrupy sweet and nice in front of other people?
If the answer to those is YES -- I'd tell you WE MARRIED THE SAME GUY! Congratulations...not!
It took me a long time to leave his abusive azz because he so undermined my confidence I didn't think I could survive without him or on my own. He did this slowly and gradually, while I took the type of treatment you are experiencing by "taking the high road", trying not to react, and saying "I am not going to let this get to me, it's not that important", but the behavior got worse and worse, and my self-esteem was in a death spiral. Also we have kids, and I didn't want them to live in an explosive household, so I let him have his way so he wouldn't have a tantrum. Everyone walked on eggshells when he was home. What I didn't know was that he was knocking them around when I wasn't home. They did not tell me until later.
Now we live separate lives, and amazingly we are on good terms, which seems to suit the whole family. It took me a long time to get to that place though, I had to get over the anger, pain, and crappy self-esteem (I'm still working on that one). One unique feature is that he's gay, and being closeted makes some people perpetually angry. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case in your life, but when I realized that I stopped taking everything as being MY fault. I was never going to be what he really wanted, never.
Start to build up momentum to leave this situation, is my advice. Get in touch with organizations in your area that help abused spouses. I joined a support group (and even THEY were shocked by what I'd put up with for so many years), it helped me understand a lot of things.
I have a feeling that there's a lot more you didn't say. Situations like this do not get better, they get worse. Please don't let your life dribble away like the holes in the plumbing. You are worth more than this.
No my husband isn't like that extreme, not physically abusive and doesn't do the things you mentioned above. That's why it's tricky. The answer is easy if he did all of that, I'd leave in a heartbeat. But it's not that bad.
He's generous when it comes to buying clothes, facials, manicures, getting my hair done, shopping, etc. He doesn't give silent treatment or buy things w/o consulting me. Doesn't shove or physically dominate me.
It's just these overreactions to some things, where I think there are solutions for, but just not applying a solution to it.
I will say though he does undermine me in front of friends (we have a couple friends but they are through him) and I don't have any friends of my own where I live. And neither of us have relatives in the area.
Ok to think like a man....you insulted him...took his pride away from him...and went behind his back. On the flip side...you should of said,"You don't fix this by a designated date, I am hiring someone."
I know a guy who did the same thing to his wife -- yelling and screaming and throwing tantrums about something.
Well, one day she said enough was enough. She left him a note saying she wanted a divorce, moved out, and went to live with her mother. Her husband, immediately, if not sooner, fell completely apart. Completely.
After months of begging her to come back (and probably witnessing what a mess he'd become), along with promises to change, she did. And he did change, and they're still together years later, and very happy. Every relationship has different dynamics at work, so what works for one might not work for another.
No man or woman should have to put up with verbal or physical abuse from anyone.
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