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Fair enough. Since you tend to take a common sense no nonsense approach to issues when someone like you says something that seems to go against what I see I have to step back and take an objective look at myself and see if it is me that is out of step.
Fair enough. Since you tend to take a common sense no nonsense approach to issues when someone like you says something that seems to go against what I see I have to step back and take an objective look at myself and see if it is me that is out of step.
I don't think you are out of step. I'm still not clear what exactly OP tells or doesn't tell to her friend. Day to day stuff like what? Oh we went to breakfast morning...we went to see a movie at night...we went to a petting zoo..is that all that she tells him? Or...we went to breakfast in the morning and he said something unpleasant to me and then I said this...and then he said that...
If they just talk about day to day stuff, why even bring it up at all? I don't get it.
And to me, it doesn't matter that they had only been together for 8 months. They are in a RELATIONSHIP...and some things are just meant to stay in there no matter how long they had been together. That is the way you build trust with each other. OP spilling things to her friend is not exactly a trust building quality.
I think folks are forgetting the length of this friendship and putting Mr. Eight Months up on a throne here. Eight months is nothing compared to 15 years. It's not even a full change of seasons or set of holidays. I would NEVER distance a 15-year-friendship for a guy I've only known for 8 months. When they've weathered some real storms together and he has shown that he will stand by her when the going gets tough (job loss, illness or injury, death of a family member), just like her long-term friends most likely already have, then he has proven himself worthy of coming first in her life, not before. He has to prove that he is on her friends' level, and that he will be just as loyal to her as her buddies are, not the other way around. After all, he calls himself her boyFRIEND doesn't he?
That's the way I see it, at least.
ETA one more thing: He also needs to remember that her friends were there for her through any previous relationships she may have had, including the break-ups. They saw all her other boyfriends come and go, yet they are still there, part of her life. He needs to take a clue from that.
The length of the friendship should not be a factor to how much she is telling this guy. He might be just 8 months her boyfriend, but his status is still more intimate than that of her friend. In other words, friends do not come before the SO, ever. If you are putting your friends before your SO, then you can just forget about having a boyfriend who's going to last you long. If you are unwilling to put your boyfriend first, then how can you expect him to put you first? The relationship will either be one-sided, or problematic. Which is the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crabman1
Fair enough. Since you tend to take a common sense no nonsense approach to issues when someone like you says something that seems to go against what I see I have to step back and take an objective look at myself and see if it is me that is out of step.
I think your post was right on. Don't second guess your experience.
Okay guys & gals, this is how it went down. I went to dinner with my mom last night and talked with her about the situation. It simply came down to, if he cannot be comfortable with me talking to my friends about him then he's getting the boot. (Her words). The first night (night I made this post) I had tried to tell him no, I do not tell them EVERYTHING. I set boundaries, there was alcohol involved and it was clouding his vision. I met up with my bf last night and made it clear once again that no, I do not tell them everything, he immediately said ok and it was over. YAY for make-up sex. I love a happy ending
I think your post was right on. Don't second guess your experience.
I often second guess myself when I see a number of people who are not wacky and hold a different view of a thing. Am I being fair, reasonable, is my opinion skewed by my own experience, is that experience representative? Does it come down to opinion? I don't want to become one of those people who have closed their minds.
For the record I would not kick my SO to the curb if she felt that I was sharing too much information with a friend unless I felt that it was an unreasonable and stifling restriction such as I wasn't supposed to speak of her at all in any detail whatsoever. I also cannot imagine one of my friends being even slightly upset if I told them that my SO was uncomfortable over some of the things we talked about and I wished to stop talking about them for this reason. Nor would the reverse situation bother me in the slightest. This is the part that really baffled me here. Why the need to pick and choose? At any rate since the OP has now responded and all appears to be well I guess that leaves little to say.
Okay, it took a little over 8 months but it finally happened. My boyfriend and I had our first fight. We were playing some pool (normal occurance) **we are not trashed, a couple beers** and I had mentioned that I talk to a friend of mine about everything (meaning that it had to do with me and his relationship.) Of course I didn't mean it literally, I do not tell him everything. My friend and I have been friends for nearly 15 years now. He lives in Mass and I live in Florida. Well, my bf didn't like the fact that I talked with my friend about "everything". My bf & I talked in private with one another calmly about the fact that ok, I did not mean it literally. I talk to my friend about day-to-day occurances about my life. My bf told me that my friend is now judging him based on the fact that I ask the friends' opinion on topics regarding the relationship between me and my bf.
I've always talked to my friend, basically on a day to day basis about everything in my life. I do not see that this is such a big deal but the bf is very upset about this. I want to resolve this and come to an agreement to understand not only his point of view, but have him understand mine.
Tonight I went back to my apartment alone to give both of us some time to think. I still just cannot get why he would be so worked up about this. I suppose I dont really have any questions but I obviously can't agree with him on this topic right now and I will discuss this more with him, maybe you guys can help. Is it something I'm doing wrong? Is it some problem maybe he had in his history to cause him to feel this way?
You need to make it very clear to your BF, as you have to us, (If indeed its true)....that you have told your friend about day to day things, not everything about your relationship with your BF. You shouldn't have phrased it to your BF "I talk to him about everything". Its wrong on a few levels.
i think the bf has no right to angry if its day to day stuff, 'oh me and the bf went to see Harry Potter' i mean why would the BF feel angry about that?..BUT if she was discussing not just the sex, but fights and issues she has with the BF to this guy, then its another story
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