insecurities about the future and dating (boyfriend, marriage, woman, love)
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I'm 23 and I know I'm still young and there are people out there who are my age or even younger/older that have yet to have any dating experience, but please read what I wrote and understand why I feel the way I do....
I started dating at 18 when I went away to college. I obviously had no idea what I was doing. I would make out/hookup with the wrong guys and all for the wrong guys,etc.
Over the course of the past 5 years, I've been together/dated 4 guys. They were mostly these short-term type relationships. They only lasted anywhere from 3-5 months. I've had 3 flings in between those tiny relationships (hooked up together more than one night)..not proud of those. I was very stupid. I've spoke to and hung out with and went on dates with different guys as well, but nothing progressed. There were nice guys that were interested in me and liked me, but I didn't have any feelings towards them :/
Overall, either I fell for the wrong guys, a guy wasn't over his ex, didn't want anything serious or unfortunately, life got in the way. And even worse, I would meet a nice person, but i had no romantic feelings towards him. I feel silly because I've had these experiences, but I have yet to have a proper and committed boyfriend. And something that has lasted at least a year.
I worry I'll never meet the right guy or have the proper relationship I'm describing. However, I feel I've grown a lot over the years. More so, once I graduated college. I feel I'm looking in better directions and meeting guys that are maturer. I've been learning to give nice guys more of a chance. Also, I do believe I have been meeting nice guys who I'm also attracted to at the same time for once now.
I guess I have a lot of insecurities and fears still. Again, I know there are people out there that haven't had any experiences, but I find myself feeling behind friends and peers.
It's hard when family members keep questioning your relationship status and don't understand why you've never brought home anyone. Nothing has ever been that serious and hasn't worked out the way I would have liked it too.
I keep over-thinking everything about the future and feel as though I'm not going to meet a good person or have a normal, committed and long relationship.
a) 23 is still young.
b) It's better to be in no relations, than to be in bad relations.
c) If you see someone you like, be proactive, don't wait for him to come to you (he might be shy).
d) Keep on dating. And don't focus on 1 guy. It's perfectly legal to have many dates with different guys
You're still young, don't worry too much. From what I've seen, the long term, good relationships tend to come you when least expect it. Just live your life and experience things like you've been doing, the right person will come.
Your describe what every one of my female friends experienced from age 18 to about 25 or 30. Don't stress. You are getting valuable experience of knowing yourself and the kind of person you want to be with. It's all good!
I worry I'll never meet the right guy or have the proper relationship
I guess I have a lot of insecurities and fears still. Again, I know there are people out there that haven't had any experiences, but I find myself feeling behind friends and peers.
It's hard when family members keep questioning your relationship status and don't understand why you've never brought home anyone. Nothing has ever been that serious and hasn't worked out the way I would have liked it too.
I keep over-thinking everything about the future and feel as though I'm not going to meet a good person or have a normal, committed and long relationship.
I don't understand the romance obsessed culture. We live in a psychotic state: "perfect self" meets "perfect other" and both people feel like gods - for a short while. We are obsessed with dating. At 23 or even younger, people not in relationship feel like losers. They are "questioned" by family and friends. They feel anxious that they will NEVER find the right person. That they already fell behind friends and peers!
For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives.
Our culture places such an emphasis on being part of a couple that it makes single people feel like lepers sometimes.
RELAX! Give yourself a break. Refocus. Find a hobby. Go out with friends. Learn to be happy in your own company. Spend the time getting to know you. Discover new things. Work on personal growth.
Stop that pressure! You have plenty of time to find a good person, and have a normal, committed relationship. You don't have to keep up with your friends. You don't have to please your family. Take your time. Don't date because you feel like you have to, because others do. Don't just date someone because you don't want to be alone.
Don't just settle for whatever comes your way. Make sure that when you choose a partner, that he is who really you want. You two should be a good match. If not, you might find yourself having to repeat the process of being single again and again.
There is lots of negativity in your post. Focus on the good things, be positive. Other people will pick up on it and want to be around you even more than they already do. Keep busy and have fun. And who knows who you will meet in the process?
What you described is not unusual at all for your age. Hope if you have any guilty feelings you can let them go.
Look, many people get too serious too soon about one person, forsake dating any others and both parties are just 100% positive they are "meant" for one another. So they get married, have kids, and years down the road, they realize they don't really care for the person they chose and at one time were so sure about. So they have to make a decision to break up their family home and go in pursuit of someone who hopefully rocks their world and they really are in love with or stick it out for the sake of their family while forsaking (this time....) their own happiness?
I have been married one time. I was engaged however, multiple times --darn fellas kept buying rings for my finger without even asking me if I wanted to marry them. No joke. I wore their stupid ring on my stupid finger knowing full well I really was not happy with this person enough to marry them. Eventually we broke up. One guy I was engaged to got another girl pregnant. Another guy I relocated across the country for (even quit college) he got engaged to another woman while engaged to me. I knew all along something wasn't right--just chose to ignore it.
My Ex DH I did marry I was deeply in love with and my alcoholism was the main reason we didn't make it. After over 20 years of marriage I left. My alcohol was more important. (I am in recovery now)
I deeply feel that we should date as long as we can before marrying, with as many different people as we can. This does not mean we have to sleep with all of them. Not at all. (removing the "loose" terminology from the equation). Self-respect is extremely important. Just get to know different types of people. Learn (like you have been doing) what type of man you like, what type you cannot stand. Don't be in any rush or feel pressured by family members, friends or the guy you are with to get more serious than you really feel in your heart that you are ready to be. Look after yourself and make YOU your #1 priority!
Also, this thing about family (and/or friends) questioning you about your dating status....None of their business at all. You don't even have to answer such nosy questions. But if you feel you must respond, here are a couple of suggestions.....
"I am waiting to see how long your marriage (or relationship) lasts before I decide." or
"If I bring them here and you start questioning them like you do me, they will get upset when they realize they are not on Jeopardy and there is no prize money."
It's hard when family members keep questioning your relationship status and don't understand why you've never brought home anyone.
I suspect this is the root of your anxiety. Is there at least one family member you trust who you can speak to and explain how these questions make you feel and that basically you need for everyone to back off? Perhaps that person could spread the word to the rest of them. I don't think you would be feeling this way if you weren't hearing this nonsense.
The good news is you have learned lessons that some of us learned much later in life, so you're already ahead of the game. This is the time in your life to discover who you are, what you enjoy, what kind of person you want to be, and what kind of people you wish to surround yourself with. There is no reason to feel you have to keep pace with others who are in relationships that are unlikely to last. Go at your own pace. There are so many things more important right now than tethering yourself to someone else.
I'm only a year younger than you but I know exactly how you feel.
I started getting really insecure about the future when I was about 19/20. I had a hard crush on someone and it didn't go anywhere. I was devastated because it seemed like THAT was going to be my first REAL relationship. My entire "love" life has basically gone this way. I never did go out with other guys, hook up, make out, etc. because I thought that was pointless. (I still do honestly, if you don't like them.) It also doesn't help when just about EVERYONE questions why you're not with anyone. Then ignorantly try to figure out your sexuality.
I grew very sheltered in terms of romance, and really everything. I felt behind my peers and that I was basically so different from other people that my life couldn't possibly be like theirs. I took some time to myself and realized how insecure I was, and I needed to be the foundation for myself. I don't date because no one really piques my interest anymore. I guess I am still not over my last crush.
When it comes to inexperience with dating, I'm probably the queen lol, but it's not that serious. I've come to realize everything happens in its' own time. You can't compare yourself to others. You'll never figure out what it is you want, you'll just want THEIR happiness and not your own. I do still get those twinges of loneliness and wanting to "be like others," but it's just a reminder that my confidence still needs work.
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