GF is a bit too.....close. (married, guys, attracted, family)

[Ceece]

I'm constantly amazed at the differences in people and their personalities. I agree it's just a bad match. I need more than the average amount of alone time myself but I also recognize when something is a problem and something is just a difference. I can usually figure out ways to deal with differences but problems are another story.

I know it's not the same thing but I have a 21 year old son who lives at home with me who can be overly expressive and polite. For example, I don't know how many times I've told him it's ok for him to prepare and eat whatever food is in the house, but he still sometimes asks permission before he does so ("can I make pancakes?", "can I make this frozen pizza?"). I just roll my eyes and say go ahead. It's a difference, and we live with it. I think he just likes me to know in case he is taking the last of something so I realize he's just being nice.

[temptation001]

She wants real kisses, not just pecks? Oh, the nerve of her!

You sound a lot like my ex before he dumped me. I would have to force myself on him just to get him to kiss me once. Then he dumped me cuz I was probably too damn needy and insignificant. Eh. He wasn't into me. Shouldda just told me.

[D217]

Your mistake was telling her anything about your ex GF.

[K-Luv]

I fail to understand how I am the bad guy. Cold? Clinginess and/or excessive displays of affection are subjective. If one person believes/feels the other is a little too much, or not enough, or just right, is personal; and no one else can say otherwise. It is not something that is right or wrong as whole.

I don't think she is a bad person, she is quite the opposite. She just wants/needs to give and receive more attention than I do.

I hand write letters to her, and then put them in the mail because I know she loves to receive personal, hand-written letters; keep in mind that we live together. I write notes/love letters to her and hide them in her pants pockets, books, etc. I post cheesy I Love You type messages on her FB wall for all to see, among other "cutesy" relationship type of stuff. I love her, I just do not see the point in doing those things all day long. I mean, doesn't that cheapen the message?

Originally Posted by JerZ

Oh jeez. I think I can name about 20 guys right off the top of my head that I personally know, who would give their left jewel to have what you have.

That is what she said when we had that fight. Yet, instead of leaving me to find one of them, she stuck around.

Originally Posted by JerZ

Okay, so you asked for advice...You say this happened with two other girlfriends? Or just one other girlfriend and this one? Either way, do you see a pattern here?

Yup, two others. The first one was 18-19 years ago. The second was more recent. There have been many GFs in between that I didn't have this issue with. So no, I don't see a pattern.

Originally Posted by JerZ

Is it possible that either you're a little colder than the norm, so most women are going to seem "too" close to you;

Colder, no. Then again, I've "felt" this way my entire life, so I dunno. It seems normal for me. I hold her hand in public. I love to cuddle with her. She treats me good, and I appreciate that. I'm not cold, just introverted .

Originally Posted by JerZ

or that you're subconsciously picking girls who do things that are annoying to you, so you won't have to stay with them forever?

Nope. I try to pick women who are independent. They work better with my personality, and as such, make for longer-term relationships. I'm not the type to randomly date. I do not get into relationships just to have a GF, out of boredom, etc. If I feel/sense the relationship does not have long-term potential (up to and including marriage, or even remaining monogamous until the end of our lives, too), I will not bother to pursue it any further.

When I met my current GF she seemed like she was a very independent woman.

Originally Posted by JerZ

Let her go so she can find someone who is also huggy.

Honestly, it seems as if this would be the best thing to do. She is a great person, and GF, but I do not think I will ever be able to give her the type of attention she wants/deserves, nor do I think she can take herself down a notch to suit me.

Originally Posted by JerZ

p.s. My husband is 40 years old and I still call him "cute" on occasion. He loves it. Who the hell doesn't want to be cute??? Just sayin'.

Uh, everything I do to her seems cute. She says it so often that it seems as if it was just an automated remark. She often speaks to me in a cutesy, uh, not exactly baby talk, but in a voice that sounds as if she is talking to a small child or pet. I love her, and understand she is probably just being playful (I hope), but day in day out, and it gets old. We are both in our 30s, and I can understand this sort of thing in the first few months, perhaps, but everyday?

Originally Posted by JerZ

I actually just thought of another possibility. Is she maybe trying to "gaslight" you? You know, drive you nuts until *you* act, so you're the bad guy? This isn't all that uncommon between boyfriends and girlfriends...one wants to break up, but doesn't want to be the bad guy, so s/he starts mini-fights, does annoying things, starts acting uncaring (or in your case---too caring), etc. in hopes that the other will do the breaking up.

I've thought of this. Sometimes I wonder if she believes she is the exception to my rule, and other times I wonder if she is purposefully trying to push me into breaking up with her. She knows when I feel she is being over-the-top with the affection, yet she continues to do it.

She knows my "position" on this matter, yet I am not sure if she is trying to push my buttons, trying to win me over, or if she is just being herself. I've told her a few times that she already has me and does not need to do anything to keep me hooked, and if she is just being herself--as she claims--she sure does seem to be aloof to my own needs almost as if she ignores anything I say to this regard. Not that long ago, I wanted to have an honest conversation with her about this. I wanted to find a compromise that would work for both of us, but we just got into a huge argument which essentially turned into her being "right" and me being "wrong": in particular because I couldn't give her an answer to what sort of compromise we could make. All I could say was "That is why I want to talk about it".

The reason why I posted this thread was to get some insight from others who may have been in her's or mine shoes. We get along great in all other aspects. Just not this one....and this is the one that also so happens to be a big deal to us both.

Has anyone found a solution that worked for both?

Originally Posted by srjth

She should get some male friends.

She has quite a few, actually. Incidentally, around 90% of them are gay.

Originally Posted by Sarahpc122927

You should appreciate that you are getting any love from anybody.

I do appreciate it.

Originally Posted by mir86

Anytime I would eventually "disappear" because of it..he'd eventually call me and accuse me of "avoiding" him. Stupid.

It is kind of hard to miss someone when you see them on a daily basis, don't you think?

Originally Posted by Percentage

Unbelievable, you are complaining that your woman is affectionate to you..."kissing and not a peck" lol, what is this world coming to? Unreal!!!!

Sometimes she will physically grab the back of my head to lock me into a real, prolonged, french kiss. Other times she will, for example, on her way pass me while I am sitting on the couch she will stop and give me numerous little kisses all over my head, go into the kitchen or where-ever, then a few moments later stop and do the same on her way back to the bedroom. That happens throughout the day/night. It seems as if she is trying to make a point, as if I didn't notice the first kiss. Or as if she is trying to convince me, or herself, of something.

I am not a teenager anymore. I love kissing her, and I do like the attention. I just do not see the need to make out all day long. We are intimate in other ways, perhaps more so than the average couple. So yeah, I suppose it is unreal that I do not have the desire to have her constantly attached to my lips.

Originally Posted by cwamjn

I know where the op is coming from as my fiancé does this too. She does it because we express our love in different ways. I read some book she had on it, but I forgot. I still feel like I'm smothered, but I also love her so I do my best to meet her enthusiasm as much as I can.

Yup. I try to meet her enthusiasm as often as I can, but I still come up short I feel. And, to that, she does not seem willing to meet my "enthusiasm" on this matter, if you will.

Are things working out between you two?

Originally Posted by imcurious

Yeah, you are mismatched. You need someone mean and rude, completely disinterested in you.

Okaay I do a lot of little things that many guys do not. Things that make my female friends say they wished the men in their lives would do. And things that make my male friends say they wished they thought of that. We are all just affectionate in our own ways. It is not a right or wrong situation. I am interested in her. I love to connect with her on a deep level. I just have a preference to connect on a deeper level by having deep, meaningful, conversation. She has a preference for connecting through physical contact.

Which is kind of weird since shouldn't it be the opposite?

Originally Posted by Yzette

Not being huggy and physically affectionate, I can understand.

But complaining because she thanks you for the things you do for her? Really?

We are in our 30s, and live together. Things around the apartment need to be done, such as cleaning the bathroom. She doesn't do it, so I do. I do it because it needs to be done, not for brownie points. It's not that she thanks me for things I do for her, she thanks me for anything I do in general.

Originally Posted by temptation001

She wants real kisses, not just pecks? Oh, the nerve of her!

You sound a lot like my ex before he dumped me. I would have to force myself on him just to get him to kiss me once. Then he dumped me cuz I was probably too damn needy and insignificant. Eh. He wasn't into me. Shouldda just told me.

The irony is that I would actually want to give her more attention this way if she wasn't consistently trying to "force" it from me.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by D217

Your mistake was telling her anything about your ex GF.

Why? It is a part of my history and in a way, a way to understand who I am.

[punky86]

Originally Posted by K-Luv

I fail to understand how I am the bad guy. Cold? Clinginess and/or excessive displays of affection are subjective. If one person believes/feels the other is a little too much, or not enough, or just right, is personal; and no one else can say otherwise. It is not something that is right or wrong as whole.

I don't think she is a bad person, she is quite the opposite. She just wants/needs to give and receive more attention than I do.

I hand write letters to her, and then put them in the mail because I know she loves to receive personal, hand-written letters; keep in mind that we live together. I write notes/love letters to her and hide them in her pants pockets, books, etc. I post cheesy I Love You type messages on her FB wall for all to see, among other "cutesy" relationship type of stuff. I love her, I just do not see the point in doing those things all day long. I mean, doesn't that cheapen the message?


That is what she said when we had that fight. Yet, instead of leaving me to find one of them, she stuck around.

Yup, two others. The first one was 18-19 years ago. The second was more recent. There have been many GFs in between that I didn't have this issue with. So no, I don't see a pattern.

Colder, no. Then again, I've "felt" this way my entire life, so I dunno. It seems normal for me. I hold her hand in public. I love to cuddle with her. She treats me good, and I appreciate that. I'm not cold, just introverted .

Nope. I try to pick women who are independent. They work better with my personality, and as such, make for longer-term relationships. I'm not the type to randomly date. I do not get into relationships just to have a GF, out of boredom, etc. If I feel/sense the relationship does not have long-term potential (up to and including marriage, or even remaining monogamous until the end of our lives, too), I will not bother to pursue it any further.

When I met my current GF she seemed like she was a very independent woman.

Honestly, it seems as if this would be the best thing to do. She is a great person, and GF, but I do not think I will ever be able to give her the type of attention she wants/deserves, nor do I think she can take herself down a notch to suit me.


Uh, everything I do to her seems cute. She says it so often that it seems as if it was just an automated remark. She often speaks to me in a cutesy, uh, not exactly baby talk, but in a voice that sounds as if she is talking to a small child or pet. I love her, and understand she is probably just being playful (I hope), but day in day out, and it gets old. We are both in our 30s, and I can understand this sort of thing in the first few months, perhaps, but everyday?


I've thought of this. Sometimes I wonder if she believes she is the exception to my rule, and other times I wonder if she is purposefully trying to push me into breaking up with her. She knows when I feel she is being over-the-top with the affection, yet she continues to do it.

She knows my "position" on this matter, yet I am not sure if she is trying to push my buttons, trying to win me over, or if she is just being herself. I've told her a few times that she already has me and does not need to do anything to keep me hooked, and if she is just being herself--as she claims--she sure does seem to be aloof to my own needs almost as if she ignores anything I say to this regard. Not that long ago, I wanted to have an honest conversation with her about this. I wanted to find a compromise that would work for both of us, but we just got into a huge argument which essentially turned into her being "right" and me being "wrong": in particular because I couldn't give her an answer to what sort of compromise we could make. All I could say was "That is why I want to talk about it".

The reason why I posted this thread was to get some insight from others who may have been in her's or mine shoes. We get along great in all other aspects. Just not this one....and this is the one that also so happens to be a big deal to us both.

Has anyone found a solution that worked for both?

She has quite a few, actually. Incidentally, around 90% of them are gay.

I do appreciate it.



It is kind of hard to miss someone when you see them on a daily basis, don't you think?

Sometimes she will physically grab the back of my head to lock me into a real, prolonged, french kiss. Other times she will, for example, on her way pass me while I am sitting on the couch she will stop and give me numerous little kisses all over my head, go into the kitchen or where-ever, then a few moments later stop and do the same on her way back to the bedroom. That happens throughout the day/night. It seems as if she is trying to make a point, as if I didn't notice the first kiss. Or as if she is trying to convince me, or herself, of something.

I am not a teenager anymore. I love kissing her, and I do like the attention. I just do not see the need to make out all day long. We are intimate in other ways, perhaps more so than the average couple. So yeah, I suppose it is unreal that I do not have the desire to have her constantly attached to my lips.

Yup. I try to meet her enthusiasm as often as I can, but I still come up short I feel. And, to that, she does not seem willing to meet my "enthusiasm" on this matter, if you will.

Are things working out between you two?

Okaay I do a lot of little things that many guys do not. Things that make my female friends say they wished the men in their lives would do. And things that make my male friends say they wished they thought of that. We are all just affectionate in our own ways. It is not a right or wrong situation. I am interested in her. I love to connect with her on a deep level. I just have a preference to connect on a deeper level by having deep, meaningful, conversation. She has a preference for connecting through physical contact.

Which is kind of weird since shouldn't it be the opposite?

We are in our 30s, and live together. Things around the apartment need to be done, such as cleaning the bathroom. She doesn't do it, so I do. I do it because it needs to be done, not for brownie points. It's not that she thanks me for things I do for her, she thanks me for anything I do in general.

The irony is that I would actually want to give her more attention this way if she wasn't consistently trying to "force" it from me.

All of this sounds obnoxious to me (and I'm a girl).

Quick fix-dont live with her. I dont live with my bf and the nights we decide not to see eachother make the nights we do spend together much better. Day in and day out of this mushy, overly-affectionate stuff is enought to drive anyone crazy.

You need your space obviously, so tell her that.

[D217]

Originally Posted by K-Luv

Why? It is a part of my history and in a way, a way to understand who I am.

No, I get that...I really do. But sometimes tiny details like that about exes can work their way into the subconscious...and manifest from there.

Originally Posted by K-Luv

I hand write letters to her, and then put them in the mail because I know she loves to receive personal, hand-written letters; keep in mind that we live together. I write notes/love letters to her and hide them in her pants pockets, books, etc. I post cheesy I Love You type messages on her FB wall for all to see, among other "cutesy" relationship type of stuff. I love her, I just do not see the point in doing those things all day long. I mean, doesn't that cheapen the message?

This is so damn cute, btw.

Maybe her calling or being clingy is just her way of responding & reciprocating.... Sounds like alot of mush going back and forth, but is it only OK when you do it?

[PJSaturn]

OP, I realize that your personalities are completely different in this regard. But do you really think that feigning "enthusiasm" for her attentions is helping the matter? Are you absolutely sure she understands how much it bugs you when she is clingy 24/7?

If you fail to find the right words when you are trying to explain it to her, consider showing her this thread, or print out excerpts from it and let her read them so that she fully understands how you feel.

[D217]

Originally Posted by PJ8

But do you really think that feigning "enthusiasm" for her attentions is helping the matter?

Yeah, he's definitely sending her handwritten mixed messages stuffed into her pockets, in books, through the mail, etc...

People do stuff like that not only because they want to show their affection, but by encouraging them to respond in kind.

[himain]

WTF are you complaining about?? Really???