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Thanks lovesmountains.... I realize I have a choice to make. I'll talk to my mom tonight and see where she stands as she knows him and I better. It's just so sad.
Then after this, comes down to should I just stay in the relationship until I find something better or just cut it off completely and cut my losses. It's just so hard to do that when I've found someone who is so amazingly in tune with me. Being at different stages in relationships can break something that could be so perfect.
He and I have a very good relationship right now, and throwing away the possibility of just waiting another year for him vs throwing this away is a hard decision. I'll just have to think it through.
So... it's almost been a year. I mentioned a few months back to him that entertaining the idea of moving in together could be a good next step for us. (for the "Right" reasons) His lease is up in Jan, mine is up in April.
We discussed living together here and there, and I am ok with the idea. I got a phone call today that he has decided to stay in his current place because the apt complex is going to take $10/ mth off his rent and my heart just sank. He took the opportunity without even thinking twice about it. Nor did he even think to talk to me about it. I'm not pushing him for marriage or lifetime committment, I just feel that I'm not going to waste years on something and then have him just decide to find someone better - whatever.
I was completely speechless, told him congratulations on his deal and couldn't find words to describe the hurt I felt. so the conversation just went silent. I can either A. give him another year to decide what he wants to do, or B. take the exit route.
Our current relationship is great, we live in the same complex and see eachother 5-6x a week he's over at my place. I guess I'm not really looking for advice I just really needed to vent this because well, if I hold it in I'm feel like I just want to fall apart.
If you've only been dating about a year, and you mentioned living together several months ago, that means you brought the subject up when you had only been dating a few months. That is much too soon to even consider it. Given your other thread about the time you spend with him and your discomfort with his gaming nights, I am going to say you have several options:
1. Back off. It's clear he cares about you or he wouldn't see you 5 or 6 times a week. But at the rate you're going, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you continue to push him, he is going to get tired of it.
2. Tell him how you feel, what your needs are, and where you'd like the relationship to go--and then back off. Give him time to process it, and watch his behavior over the next few months. When it comes time to renew your lease, mention that you're thinking about whether to stay or move, and see what he says. If he tells you to renew or tells you to try to get the lower rent, then you know he does not want you to move in with him.
3. If he is not meeting your needs, move on. See, a man is not going to do anything he doesn't WANT to do. He may not run away when you lay out your needs, but that doesn't mean he's going to make the attempt to meet them. That may be beyond his desire or even ability. You may simply want or need more than he can give.
I'll be honest and tell you that most of the men I know do not want to move as fast as you seem to and do not want to spend as much time with a girlfriend as you want him to spend with you. From out here, it looks like you are indeed angling for marriage, while he is happy with the way things are. Only you can decide when and if you've had enough of what he's offering.
I know where you're at.
Myself and my fiance had the same discussions, at about the same stage in our relationship.
I was a little disappointed hen she renewed her lease for another year, but with hindsight, it was probably the right decision at the time
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleTulip18
Oh no, its the next step, this is definately not convenience or financially induced.
I'm not sure if you mentioned to him or not that you like your apt..MORE.
It is possible in his guy brain, he feels like he scored.. kind of for both of you..
Maybe he thinks of that $10 like he won something.. like a few dollars so BOTH of you could do some little thing with it.. or maybe he thinks in terms of "it's $120 a year" and maybe he's really concerned quietly about money and doesn't want to talk too much about it so he doesn't appear weak, or doesn't want you to carry his burdens..
Maybe he feels like its a small way of alleviating one less little pressure and divert those few dollars to buy you flowers..
Geesh girl.. don't be so ME ME ME.. you never said on this post "we discussed it and DID let him know how much I'd prefer to stay in my apartment and NOT in his"....
I'm just trying to point out that us gals think like gals, and guys don't really "feel" the way we do.. he's looking at it like a good deal..
maybe like "Look what I hunted and brought home for you"..
maybe he was hoping you'd be proud of him.
He may be pleased with himself over this small triumph and wants a woman by his side who can revel with him and be happy for him.
Give him your heart and trust in him.. give him the benefit of his role as a your man to make a decision without having to ask permission so he can do something on your behalf.
This could be a classic foreboding moment where he may see what the future will be like with you too..
If you've only been dating about a year, and you mentioned living together several months ago, that means you brought the subject up when you had only been dating a few months. That is much too soon to even consider it. Given your other thread about the time you spend with him and your discomfort with his gaming nights, I am going to say you have several options:
1. Back off. It's clear he cares about you or he wouldn't see you 5 or 6 times a week. But at the rate you're going, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you continue to push him, he is going to get tired of it.
2. Tell him how you feel, what your needs are, and where you'd like the relationship to go--and then back off. Give him time to process it, and watch his behavior over the next few months. When it comes time to renew your lease, mention that you're thinking about whether to stay or move, and see what he says. If he tells you to renew or tells you to try to get the lower rent, then you know he does not want you to move in with him.
3. If he is not meeting your needs, move on. See, a man is not going to do anything he doesn't WANT to do. He may not run away when you lay out your needs, but that doesn't mean he's going to make the attempt to meet them. That may be beyond his desire or even ability. You may simply want or need more than he can give.
I'll be honest and tell you that most of the men I know do not want to move as fast as you seem to and do not want to spend as much time with a girlfriend as you want him to spend with you. From out here, it looks like you are indeed angling for marriage, while he is happy with the way things are. Only you can decide when and if you've had enough of what he's offering.
1. Back off. It's clear he cares about you or he wouldn't see you 5 or 6 times a week. But at the rate you're going, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you continue to push him, he is going to get tired of it.
So basically just wait until about a month before my lease runs out and keep the subject dropped until then?
2. Tell him how you feel, what your needs are, and where you'd like the relationship to go--and then back off. Give him time to process it, and watch his behavior over the next few months. When it comes time to renew your lease, mention that you're thinking about whether to stay or move, and see what he says. If he tells you to renew or tells you to try to get the lower rent, then you know he does not want you to move in with him.
During the meantime of backing way off, I am supposed to simply say that I was simply taken aback when making his decision (in a non-accusing manner) without saying anything to me first and that I simply got disappointed.
3. If he is not meeting your needs, move on. See, a man is not going to do anything he doesn't WANT to do. He may not run away when you lay out your needs, but that doesn't mean he's going to make the attempt to meet them. That may be beyond his desire or even ability. You may simply want or need more than he can give.
He meets all of my needs, plus some. I think we're just not on the same timeline as far as goals in life. He's in school full-time right now and next September he will graduate and maybe be in a more stable time in his life to begin thinking about doing something as drastic as moving in.
Honestly, I am of course aiming for the big M word one day, but I do want to take it slow. I have no timeline planned out but in 5 years I'd like to see myself happily settled down with the right guy.
You seem really clingy... I mean, you see him nearly every day, live in the same complex, and have been dating for less than a year. Maybe you should focus on you a little and see what happens. Stay at home more, get some hobbies etc. if he wants to spend time with you, he'll make the effort. If not, move on.
Thanks lovesmountains.... I realize I have a choice to make. I'll talk to my mom tonight and see where she stands as she knows him and I better. It's just so sad.
Then after this, comes down to should I just stay in the relationship until I find something better or just cut it off completely and cut my losses. It's just so hard to do that when I've found someone who is so amazingly in tune with me. Being at different stages in relationships can break something that could be so perfect.
There is another way of looking at this...
When you've truly found "the one", you don't have this kind of angst to deal with because not being with that person is completely out of the question for you.
No matter what his occupation, he's address, his personal habits, his politics, his religion, you cannot walk away (as long as who he is is emotionally healthy and not someone with serious issues).
Not saying you don't have the right to want what you want or be disappointed that you didn't get it.
Just saying that if what you want is more important to you than what he can offer, he is probably not the right guy for you.
wow at his 10 dollars a month excuse to reup his lease
he should at least be a man and just say he would prefer to live alone rather than that joke of an excuse
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