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Wake up. The reality is that the relationship is not good because he's getting what he wants but this leaves you unhappy. I sense you would like to get married and have a family. I sense he does not. Don't listen to what he says. Actions speak louder than words. People lie all the time to get what they want, and lots of people are plenty selfish. If I were your father, I'd be telling you to dump him. He clearly doesn't want to make you his one and only for life. He's keeping his options open.
1. Back off. It's clear he cares about you or he wouldn't see you 5 or 6 times a week. But at the rate you're going, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you continue to push him, he is going to get tired of it.
So basically just wait until about a month before my lease runs out and keep the subject dropped until then?
2. Tell him how you feel, what your needs are, and where you'd like the relationship to go--and then back off. Give him time to process it, and watch his behavior over the next few months. When it comes time to renew your lease, mention that you're thinking about whether to stay or move, and see what he says. If he tells you to renew or tells you to try to get the lower rent, then you know he does not want you to move in with him.
During the meantime of backing way off, I am supposed to simply say that I was simply taken aback when making his decision (in a non-accusing manner) without saying anything to me first and that I simply got disappointed.
3. If he is not meeting your needs, move on. See, a man is not going to do anything he doesn't WANT to do. He may not run away when you lay out your needs, but that doesn't mean he's going to make the attempt to meet them. That may be beyond his desire or even ability. You may simply want or need more than he can give.
He meets all of my needs, plus some. I think we're just not on the same timeline as far as goals in life. He's in school full-time right now and next September he will graduate and maybe be in a more stable time in his life to begin thinking about doing something as drastic as moving in.
Honestly, I am of course aiming for the big M word one day, but I do want to take it slow. I have no timeline planned out but in 5 years I'd like to see myself happily settled down with the right guy.
Here's what I'd say--in fact, what I have said in the past: "I am not necessarily looking for marriage. But I do want to build a life with someone, preferably you because I love you and we get along well. I do not want things to stay as they are indefinitely, and at some point I think we will need to discuss where this relationship is headed and if we both want the same things. Think about it, and we can talk about it again in a few months."
Then don't bring it up again for a few months. Your lease is up in April. Not sure about where you are, but here, most landlords want 60 days notice, and in other places they want only 30. That means you don't have to decide until February.
In the interim, enjoy your holidays.
When it comes time to sign your lease, that's when you bring it up again. "Remember what we talked about before Thanksgiving? About the future? What are your thoughts on that?"
And if things don't go the way you hope, you can give it more time or you can decide you've had enough. Then, if you feel it's time to move on but you don't want to risk running into him all the time, you can move out of the complex entirely if you wish.
Just say to him, "I was kind of surprised that you want to renew your lease because I thought we were going to be moving in together."
If you are not comfortable saying that, then maybe it is time to let your relationship build for a while longer. Romantic relationships are built on friendships and telling him how you feel should be as easy for you as telling your mother.
He and I have a very good relationship right now, and throwing away the possibility of just waiting another year for him vs throwing this away is a hard decision. I'll just have to think it through.
Hey sweetie. I know I kid around alot on CD but the things I mentioned above really do scare the BeJeezus out of alot of guys. Youve got to let him come to his decision in his own time. Pink razors next to the sink and purple thongs in the dryer are scary to guys. The first time he sees Tampax in HIS bathroom, the first thing that going to cross his mind is "Is she going to make me go to Kroger and buy these things for her?" You gals think emotionally. We guys think thru panic! Let him work it out in his own way without being pressured. Good luck.
Hey sweetie. I know I kid around alot on CD but the things I mentioned above really do scare the BeJeezus out of alot of guys. Youve got to let him come to his decision in his own time. Pink razors next to the sink and purple thongs in the dryer are scary to guys. The first time he sees Tampax in HIS bathroom, the first thing that going to cross his mind is "Is she going to make me go to Kroger and buy these things for her?" You gals think emotionally. We guys think thru panic! Let him work it out in his own way without being pressured. Good luck.
This is the first time that he's lived out on his own so I'm tending to be a little more leanient and get comfortable with himself. It's just hard to hold back.. I've been on my own for many years now so we are in different spots honestly. I'll give him a bit more time and see how it goes.
This is the first time that he's lived out on his own so I'm tending to be a little more leanient and get comfortable with himself. It's just hard to hold back.. I've been on my own for many years now so we are in different spots honestly. I'll give him a bit more time and see how it goes.
Giving him a little time is a good idea. Knowing what he'd be losing SURELY will make him come to the correct conclusion! Right?
I would say you two should have a REAL sit-down conversation about moving in. I wouldn't breach him on hurting your feelings until you know how he feels. If you only really brought it up once or twice and never had a real in-depth conversation about it, then he probably thinks you feel different than you actually do. Communication error!! It's very possible that the reason he doesn't understand (or even make mention of) whether what he said hurt you is because you had not communicated to him beforehand that moving in when the lease is up is going to be a dealbreaker for you.
Purple, there are two things I'm hearing from you. 1) You want to take it slow and wouldn't even mind not being married in 5 years given that you've settled down with a great guy. 2) Not moving in a year after you started dating is big enough to make you want to leave the relationship. These two ideas really butt heads. I can only really draw two conclusions here: either the relationship isn't as great as you say it is or your 5 year plan isn't really what you want. Demanding that he follow your timeline is only going to push him away. So, like I said, sit down and talk. In my opinion compromise in this case is not an option. You need to wait until he's ready (and if it were the other way around, he would have to wait). And honestly he might be ready. Perhaps he was the one afraid of pressuring you? Communication communication communication!
You said you were thinking M word one day, right? To be completely honest (I'm trying to be direct, not blunt) I think you should think about which is more important, marriage or marrying HIM. If these two issues (him wanting me-time once or twice a week and him not moving in because of a lack of serious communication) are making you question whether or not you want to stick around, then maybe spending the rest or your life with HIM isn't really what your looking for?
I know I'm young and you can disregard my advice as naive or what have you, but right now I'm in a similar place in my relationship and there has been no friction whatsoever that stems from these relatively minor things. I'm not totally sure about the M word yet, but I have an inkling that this may be it for me. To be honest, not living together for one year would never make leaving even cross my mind. There's so much strength and communication in our relationship that things like this are very minor.
I would say you two should have a REAL sit-down conversation about moving in. I wouldn't breach him on hurting your feelings until you know how he feels. If you only really brought it up once or twice and never had a real in-depth conversation about it, then he probably thinks you feel different than you actually do. Communication error!! It's very possible that the reason he doesn't understand (or even make mention of) whether what he said hurt you is because you had not communicated to him beforehand that moving in when the lease is up is going to be a dealbreaker for you.
Purple, there are two things I'm hearing from you. 1) You want to take it slow and wouldn't even mind not being married in 5 years given that you've settled down with a great guy. 2) Not moving in a year after you started dating is big enough to make you want to leave the relationship. These two ideas really butt heads. I can only really draw two conclusions here: either the relationship isn't as great as you say it is or your 5 year plan isn't really what you want. Demanding that he follow your timeline is only going to push him away. So, like I said, sit down and talk. In my opinion compromise in this case is not an option. You need to wait until he's ready (and if it were the other way around, he would have to wait). And honestly he might be ready. Perhaps he was the one afraid of pressuring you? Communication communication communication!
You said you were thinking M word one day, right? To be completely honest (I'm trying to be direct, not blunt) I think you should think about which is more important, marriage or marrying HIM. If these two issues (him wanting me-time once or twice a week and him not moving in because of a lack of serious communication) are making you question whether or not you want to stick around, then maybe spending the rest or your life with HIM isn't really what your looking for?
I know I'm young and you can disregard my advice as naive or what have you, but right now I'm in a similar place in my relationship and there has been no friction whatsoever that stems from these relatively minor things. I'm not totally sure about the M word yet, but I have an inkling that this may be it. To be honest, not living together for one year would never make leaving even cross my mind. There's so much more to our relationship that things like this are very minor.
This is a wonderful post, along with Yzette's. Hope you will consider their wisdom and advice!
Just say to him, "I was kind of surprised that you want to renew your lease because I thought we were going to be moving in together."
If you are not comfortable saying that, then maybe it is time to let your relationship build for a while longer. Romantic relationships are built on friendships and telling him how you feel should be as easy for you as telling your mother.
I agree with this ^^ However, I'm an upfront, blunt woman and most are not.
How old are the two of you? For him to stay in a lease for another year by saving $10 a month instead of moving in with you seems like an excuse to not move forward with you. I hope things work out for the two of you but maybe you need to do some decision making..GL
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You gals think emotionally. We guys think thru panic! Let him work it out in his own way without being pressured. Good luck.
