Why cant men handle a break-up? (marry, love, cheat, children)
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Yes- its just that emotionally, to have to relocate again right now is something that I believe I need to take some time to think about- I like the house, but for a single person, there is not much to do here....
I am also at a kind of crossroads early mid-life crisis I guess-lol
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 09-03-2007 at 12:47 PM..
Reason: add
Sunny, I think windchimes must be my female doppelganger or something. I find myself agreeing with about everything she says. If he's trying to engineer your future, then don't fall for it. Is he holding something over your head to try and make you bend to his will? Is he threatening? Or, is he trying to make you feel sorry for him and guilty at the same time? If a guilt trip is the case, and I suspect it is, then you can't be responsible for him. You have decided to break it off and he has to move on. I believe that moving out of the area would be good for you, and good for him. He'd pretty much be forced to move on if he didn't have you around to bother on a whim. If you can't move right now, then consider a restraining order. He HAS to let you live your own life and you HAVE to take control of your own life. Tell him to leave you alone or you will take legal measures to make him leave you alone. Just my 2 pennies!
Interesting question sunny - While not all men have this problem, at least in my experience, many do...as do certain types of women. In both cases (men and women) I think it stems from their insecurities. They fall back on what they know - pulling strings, creating (or trying to create) somekind of chaos. They don't like themselves very much and they need someone else to make them feel good about themselves, even if they do go about it the wrong way. Many men "feed" their ego by demeaning others - usually women - it makes them feel like "real men" when they can get someone to give in....it also shows their immaturity.
After a divorce/separation, for some reason, most men will find another woman relatively quickly and jump into a relationship - women, on the other hand, tend to take a "breather" from another relationship right away and I guess, become a little introspective. They explore what they like/dislike, both about themselves and what they do (for a living, hobby, whatever). A lot of men are afraid to be alone - women don't seem to have that fear. I think part of that, for men, goes back to them needing someone to feed their ego - they can't do it for themselves, many women can. Of course, there are also women like the men I described, so I'm not "picking" on men.
I guess the bottom line is, the more secure a man or woman feels about themselves, the less likely the situation in your initial post is to occur. The more insecure they are, the frequency is greater.
I may be way off base, but those are things I have observed over the years, in my relationships and those around me............
these were very very good observations.
you could subsitute the word "man" with "codependent" in this article and come out very well. its about the behavior isn't it, not the gender.
but a more serious response to article. in our religion and cultural traditions of the past (as americans) we have been wired to be fiercy loyal and persistant. these qualities of "saving" and fidelity are now seen at worst as mental illness.
or are simply not valued near as much as before. this is a change in cultural values. this carries over way past personal relationships, over to government and business. the "temp" mentality.
on a lighter note
joke of the day, what is the difference between a pit bull and a codependent
a pit bull knows when to let go.
stephen s
san diego
Yes- its just that emotionally, to have to relocate again right now is something that I believe I need to take some time to think about- I like the house, but for a single person, there is not much to do here....
I am also at a kind of crossroads early mid-life crisis I guess-lol
Sunny - I can relate to needing to take some time to think about where to go next. When I left my ex, I knew it was the right thing, just as you do. Luckily, my ex found a "replacement" for me rather quickly, so he didn't hang around and hang on like yours is doing....It almost sounds like yours *thinks* you may be having second thoughts about being alone and you may want to "try again" - obviously that's not going to happen, so you have to find a way to get it through his head that it's not. Since he's being a "pest" - as Synopsis mentioned - any possibility of a restraining order on the basis of harrassment...Or stalking even? Maybe?
As for being at a crossroads, yes, you are. You are now (or soon will be) free to make your own decisions and choices. It's an exciting and scary time. Will you make mistakes? Probably - we all do - don't be too frightened of making them, though, as it's through mistakes that we learn what is really and truly right for us.
It doesn't sound like you're being impulsive, you are thinking things through regarding where you want to live, if you want to live in a house, apartment, condo, whatever, and that's a really good sign. It's hard to live in a place where there's nothing to do, or not much to do as a single person. Do they have any groups for singles anywhere near you that you could join while you are trying to decide where to go from there? Maybe even some kind of volunteering opportunity to meet people? At least it would give you something to do, new people to meet, while deciding on your next move.
Sunny, I think windchimes must be my female doppelganger or something. I find myself agreeing with about everything she says. If he's trying to engineer your future, then don't fall for it. Is he holding something over your head to try and make you bend to his will? Is he threatening? Or, is he trying to make you feel sorry for him and guilty at the same time? If a guilt trip is the case, and I suspect it is, then you can't be responsible for him. You have decided to break it off and he has to move on. I believe that moving out of the area would be good for you, and good for him. He'd pretty much be forced to move on if he didn't have you around to bother on a whim. If you can't move right now, then consider a restraining order. He HAS to let you live your own life and you HAVE to take control of your own life. Tell him to leave you alone or you will take legal measures to make him leave you alone. Just my 2 pennies!
Well- we arent at that point yet- (we were in Florida- I wont go there) He is I guess trying to make me feel guilty- I do still care about this person- and gave him a better life than he ever had- My gf in Ny tells me he never appreciated and didn't deserve me- of course that is just one opinion- I am not blaming either side, but I feel he is trying to now make me feel bad. Last week he said keep the door open....erm, no that door has been shut for awhile if you catch my drift...still 8 years of marriage- and this is how it ends.
Thanks windchimes- I know at least from therapy that I have to give myself breathing room- and figure out what my next move should be. I do think I would be happier in a city, with culture, museums, etc. I have 3 shar-pei though, so would need to rent a house initially.
I am giving myself a year to travel/decide. I know I cannot stay in Tennessee. There arent many groups here (college and med students-lol). I dont go to church, which is the big thing here.
sunny
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 09-03-2007 at 01:28 PM..
Reason: sp
I guess you just need to make sure that he understands what he is doing is not good SH. Do you think he is just thick-headed or doesn't respect your wishes? If he doesn't respect your wishes it's no wonder that you left the man. He needs to understand, and if he does understand but doesn't respect your feelings I would suggest a restraining order. That just ain't right, trying to impose your will on others. If that's his attitude, rest assured if he had the power he would MAKE you stay with him against your will. That's a tyrant, in my book.
who knows, I broke up with this guy one time and he would not leave me alone - he would follow me everywhere, he found out what bar I was at one night and somehow cut the wires or did something outside the bar to the electrical box and shut down all the power to the bar - me and about 200 people had to go to the bar across the street.
Finally, I had to let my dad take care of it
boy, I feel ya....and know what this is about...but to me, this is abnormal...
I still have an ol boyfriend of 8 years ago, call every once in awhile, you can insult him badly and he laughs...I guess any attention, even negative is something? I don't believe I dated him?
But in lieu of the question of the thread, I also believe men are way more sensitive then women, they just don't show it...
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observations
