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I'm 24 and have been dating the same girl since we were 18, on and off through college, and continuously for the last three years. We have great relationships with both our families and generally a pretty good life. We love each other, and truly value the time we spend together, but lately we have had some problems.
I live and work in the city and she lives and teaches about 50 miles away in the suburb where she grew up. She still lives with her parents, and really wants to get out of the house, so we discussed sharing an apartment. Well one thing led to another, several of her friends and relatives got engaged and married, and now she's ready to get married herself, buy a house, cars, and think about having kids.
I love my neighborhood, friends, and city life in general. I love having very few obligations, being able to move if and whenever I want, vacationing and seeing the world. I've been thinking about buying or investing in a small business and pursuing other potentially risky business ventures. While meeting with my financial advisor last week, he asked if I was planning to purchase a home and I told him "I don't think I want to, ever, but I'm sure my future wife will insist that we do." I would love to maybe try living in a foreign country for a few years, but I know my girlfriend would never go for it.
Anyway, given that background information, I feel like our respective dreams are completely orthogonal, and it's a terrible feeling. On one hand, I feel like my dreams and ambitions are empty and shallow, and that I'd be stupid to ruin a relationship with a great woman in pursuit of them. On the other, I feel like if I completely abandon the things that are important to me, I'm going to end up depressed in a suburban subdivision, driving 80 miles a day to and from work. I'd be stuck at my job, which pays well, but I don't at all feel passionate about what I do, and I'm always looking for a more fun or interesting opportunity. All the little idiosyncrasies that I've grown to love about life in the city would be gone. This scenario would make me miserable, and I feel like I would (probably unjustly) wind up resenting my girlfriend.
I do think that at one point that I would like to marry my girlfriend and have children, but I'm not ready now, and when I am, I don't think I'll want the lifestyle that my girlfriend does.
We've had some conversations about everything I just wrote, but they generally haven't went well. Admittedly, I'm pretty shy, and would only feel comfortable talking about any of this with a couple people. Can anyone who has been in a similar situation offer some insight or advice?
If you are not ready to marry this girl after 6 years of dating, there is a lot more wrong here than meets the eye. It's quite possible that you need to move on. It's doubtful that a switch is going to flip one day and you'll suddenly want to be married to her.
I'm 24 and have been dating the same girl since we were 18, on and off through college, and continuously for the last three years. We have great relationships with both our families and generally a pretty good life. We love each other, and truly value the time we spend together, but lately we have had some problems.
I live and work in the city and she lives and teaches about 50 miles away in the suburb where she grew up. She still lives with her parents, and really wants to get out of the house, so we discussed sharing an apartment. Well one thing led to another, several of her friends and relatives got engaged and married, and now she's ready to get married herself, buy a house, cars, and think about having kids.
I love my neighborhood, friends, and city life in general. I love having very few obligations, being able to move if and whenever I want, vacationing and seeing the world. I've been thinking about buying or investing in a small business and pursuing other potentially risky business ventures. While meeting with my financial advisor last week, he asked if I was planning to purchase a home and I told him "I don't think I want to, ever, but I'm sure my future wife will insist that we do." I would love to maybe try living in a foreign country for a few years, but I know my girlfriend would never go for it.
Anyway, given that background information, I feel like our respective dreams are completely orthogonal, and it's a terrible feeling. On one hand, I feel like my dreams and ambitions are empty and shallow, and that I'd be stupid to ruin a relationship with a great woman in pursuit of them. On the other, I feel like if I completely abandon the things that are important to me, I'm going to end up depressed in a suburban subdivision, driving 80 miles a day to and from work. I'd be stuck at my job, which pays well, but I don't at all feel passionate about what I do, and I'm always looking for a more fun or interesting opportunity. All the little idiosyncrasies that I've grown to love about life in the city would be gone. This scenario would make me miserable, and I feel like I would (probably unjustly) wind up resenting my girlfriend.
I do think that at one point that I would like to marry my girlfriend and have children, but I'm not ready now, and when I am, I don't think I'll want the lifestyle that my girlfriend does.
We've had some conversations about everything I just wrote, but they generally haven't went well. Admittedly, I'm pretty shy, and would only feel comfortable talking about any of this with a couple people. Can anyone who has been in a similar situation offer some insight or advice?
If, after dating this long, you two still can't get it together, it's time to break up and go your separate ways.
On the other hand, if you're like everyone else who asks for advice on this sub-forum, just do whatever you feel like doing anyway...
Breaking up hurts even when you no longer love the person. Staying in a relationship that is loveless hurts too. Deep down inside there is a yearning to do what you want. Listen to it and be willing to pay the price if you don't get it. It has nothing to do with your g/f, but it is your very essence. Then live your life with it. It will give you great satisfaction to do that, even though there may be a few disappointments along the way. Not everyone understands your essence.
Marriage is hard. Really hard. Under the best of circumstances, when both parties are ready and willing participants, it is still hard. Wonderful rewards but not a cakewalk.
Add in a reluctant participant with doubts, and it is damn near impossible. Do not marry her right now.
One of the suckiest things about adulthood is coming to terms with the reality that love is not always enough. Despite what the movies say, sometimes you can love a person but they can be bad for you, or the timing can be wrong, or they are just not the right one. All this can occur with the other person being a perfectly wonderful human being.
I am not saying she is the wrong one. But if you are going to figure out if she is worth the sacrifice you have to be ready to accept the possibility that you two are on different paths. In your heart you have to know she's truly worth more than your dream. You can't stay there because you think love will find a way or something like that. Good luck to you. But don't be willing to do anything that doesn't feel right in your gut. And don't run away from any hard decisions.
Just to play the devil's advocate here for a second...what if you follow your dreams (at the likely cost of losing your g/f), but then you hypothetically find out afterward that the price wasn't worth the cost?
Sometimes it's the right person, just not the right time.
True. However, I suspect that when he thinks it's the right time, the right person will not be there.
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