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Well I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago now for the way she acted. I gave her a million chances, and when I broke up it was the final straw and there was just no room in my mind to get passed any of it anymore..
The problem is that she has really been going through efforts to change and be better; which makes it harder, not because i'm considering going back, but she wants to prove it to me so much how she has changed.. and it really just doesn't have any affect on my mind. I feel like she is so wrapped up in regret she just keeps trying harder and harder .. and it just gets a little bit annoying..
She was devastated when I broke things off, I was contacted by her friends and family saying she was depressed and not leaving her room.. which I felt bad, but hey, what can I do?
Is there any way to cut off ties like this without it being too mean? I don't wanna lie and say I already have someone, nor do I want to just completely ignore her.. but if I don't ignore her, will that just be giving false hope in her eyes?
What was the behavior you found so offensive you needed to break up?
What is "better" in your context?
To be very short about it, she was extremely disrespectful. I don't think there's much of a need to say any more since, if I felt the need to break it off, that's really all that matters.
There really is no "better" in my context, because I'm not looking for her to be "better". But better in her context is that she will be much nicer and treat me with respect and not do anything I had brought up over the past year. She said she suddenly looked back on all of it and realized it was wrong and now she will change all of it.
Well I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago now for the way she acted. I gave her a million chances, and when I broke up it was the final straw and there was just no room in my mind to get passed any of it anymore..
The problem is that she has really been going through efforts to change and be better; which makes it harder, not because i'm considering going back, but she wants to prove it to me so much how she has changed.. and it really just doesn't have any affect on my mind. I feel like she is so wrapped up in regret she just keeps trying harder and harder .. and it just gets a little bit annoying..
She was devastated when I broke things off, I was contacted by her friends and family saying she was depressed and not leaving her room.. which I felt bad, but hey, what can I do?
Is there any way to cut off ties like this without it being too mean? I don't wanna lie and say I already have someone, nor do I want to just completely ignore her.. but if I don't ignore her, will that just be giving false hope in her eyes?
It is certainly praiseworthy that she is making efforts to change and be better. This not only benefits you but probably benefits her first and foremost. The main reason why anyone changes and improves themselves to a more positive place is so that THEY feel better. Burgler09, it's not as much about you as you think.
And her persistency towards you is because she feels that she will feel better because of it. There is some sense of dependency on you, in her thinking that you have something to offer to her mental place of "lack". Does this make sense?
Ignoring her will probably make her feel worse. I encourage full honesty in this case. Please tell her that you no longer wish to be in a relationship with her and will not change your attitude. Also tell her that you wish the best for her and that she will be in a happy relationship with someone who is even more compatible.
For someone like her who wishes so much for a great relationship, it is surely waiting for her. But to be in a place of allowing it, she must believe in it. Encourage her in that direction. Say your goodbye and give her your sincere hope and good wishes for her life and also for attracting someone new.
Remember that any negative emotion or annoyance or meanness you hold in your mind or enact toward her will probably harm your state of mind far more than it will harm her. So be kind to yourself by being kind to her. Everything will work itself out. Best of luck !
To be very short about it, she was extremely disrespectful. I don't think there's much of a need to say any more since, if I felt the need to break it off, that's really all that matters.
There really is no "better" in my context, because I'm not looking for her to be "better". But better in her context is that she will be much nicer and treat me with respect and not do anything I had brought up over the past year. She said she suddenly looked back on all of it and realized it was wrong and now she will change all of it.
Man, I just apologized to like three people today to feel better. And to one of them, I may have said something regarding the past year. You got me for a second there! But now I know it is purely coincidental.
It's the end of the year and of course people are looking back on the past year...
It sounds like you know for sure that it's over forever no matter what she does so...
I've made the mistake of thinking I wanted to be friends after a breakup. It is a mistake. She will not like it at all but you have to cut ties and never speak to her. Basically announce this/warn her and then ignore her and all her attempts to interact with you. Defriend her on Facebook and ignore her friends and family as well. If she has a fit about it, ignore her. Don't go to the same places she does. It will be hard and you'll feel like a jerk but it is the only way and you have warned her. To do otherwise just drags her pain on longer and it will be especially hard (and not in a good way despite what you may think) for her to see you get a new gf when you do. It's better if she just doesn't see that and heals on her own without contact between you two. She needs a new guy to help her heal, not you. you will always be a reminder of her pain as long as you stay in contact and she's not in love with someone else.
It is certainly praiseworthy that she is making efforts to change and be better. This not only benefits you but probably benefits her first and foremost. The main reason why anyone changes and improves themselves to a more positive place is so that THEY feel better. Burgler09, it's not as much about you as you think.
And her persistency towards you is because she feels that she will feel better because of it. There is some sense of dependency on you, in her thinking that you have something to offer to her mental place of "lack". Does this make sense?
I think this makes sense. So are you saying that while she may be trying really hard to get back with me and prove to me that she has changed, it might not be SO much that she needs to get back with me, but more to make herself feel better about how she was in the relationship and trying to help herself cope with it and feel better? Would it help if I told her that I do notice more change in her and it seems like the work she is doing is really paying off?
I think this makes sense. So are you saying that while she may be trying really hard to get back with me and prove to me that she has changed, it might not be SO much that she needs to get back with me, but more to make herself feel better about how she was in the relationship and trying to help herself cope with it and feel better? Would it help if I told her that I do notice more change in her and it seems like the work she is doing is really paying off?
Yes, certainly. Apologizing and changing makes her definitely reframe her memory and feel better if she happens to think of your previous relationship.
However, you do not want to put yourself in the position of giving her approval, I think. She may be consciously doing it to please you, instead of realizing that she is doing it to please herself. So, by giving her praise for it, she may become dependent on your validation of her good actions in the future. If that makes sense.
I would first say 1) I forgive you. (So that she is off the hook regarding any past hurts) and 2) I admire the changes YOU are making. (giving the power in her hands, acknowledging that SHE is the one doing them) and 3) In this pattern, you will surely find someone who matches your new positive frame of mind. I am confident that you will find someone for you who is a far better match for you than I am.
Therefore you have simultaneously conveyed to her that a relationship with you is not compatible and have given her a sense of hope about the future, which she will hopefully harbor and nurture in her mind.
I guess you are unable to define "disrespectful" too.
Maybe she didn't cater to your every whim?
Maybe she didn't treat you like her master?
If you are unable to say what she needed to do to be "better" how could she ever achieve it?
She seems to have batter victim symptoms, of which willing to change whatever to please you.
Seems YOU were the problem in this relationship.
She is MUCH better without you and the sooner she forgets about you the better.
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