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Why are you saying anything critical about her friends? They are her friends. Who wants someone criticizing their friends?
This may be unfair. But life is not fair. If you want to fix this, you need to find out how to be the you that she WANTS to be with. I would bet my last dollar that complaining to her about her not preferring you is HURTING your cause.
O.K. when I say criticizing her friends I mean that I might poke fun at them. Everyone has their quirks. She has poked fun at my friends too. Or I might disagree with something her friends say and she defends them over me every time, even if it seems like she would generally stand on my side of the argument. It's not like I criticize them as people. They are very nice and I tell her that frequently. I also think that her constant defending of them, when it's not really necessary has contributed to me resenting them some.
Shouldn't she be more satisfied with the me that I am?
I've put a lot of things into this post that may have portrayed me in a negative light. I did this to explain some of her complaints. But I know I'm a pretty good guy with a lot of positives. I don't smoke, drink much, or play video games incessantly. I did agree to move across country for her. I'm generous with our money, as much more gets spent on her and the kids than me. I am a good communicator in that I don't keep things bottled up inside. I'm not controlling at all. Both her parents think I'm wonderful. Her only real complaint is that I don't show her affection enough, and I tend to be arrogant and sarcastic. It just seems like she used to be happy with who I was. I have not changed that I know of, and now she is not happy with me.
So you lived near YOUR family and friends for most of your marriage? You new expect her to give you "appreciation" because you're FINALLY near HER comfort zone? It sounds like you're being resentful. How do you think SHE felt, living in YOUR world, around YOUR friends? Do you think you ever made her feel like she was the 5th wheel? Oh no....that couldn't be. Two became one when you got married and it looks a whole lot like that one was more about you than her. It's time to stop and take a good hard look at that. A woman isn't supposed to give up HERSELF. Two people are supposed to "combine". It looks like your wife disappeared for you, became what YOU wanted her to become and now she's desperately trying to find what's left of her. Apparently you were quite comfortable with the other arrangement and can't stand that she's remembering who she really is.
Honestly, I don't mean for this to sound rude, I don't. It is so frustrating when you hear men talk about how they need to retain their "self", not just become a "whipped" husband and yet it never occurs to them that women feel the SAME way! When all you do is live your life, trying to make someone else happy, and it's never good enough...the well eventually runs dry.
Not sure why you are so angry. We met there. Her mom and sister lived there. She had lived there for almost 10 years before we met. We got married there. We had kids there. After all this she tells me she wants to move back to the Midwest. Someplace she has NEVER lived as an adult. As my kids from my other marriage were still young I agreed that I didn't want to leave them, so could we wait until they graduated. She said it would be too late by then, so she agreed to just stay. Well we ended up moving after they graduated anyway.
I do not resent her for us moving. Our kids have adjusted well and I actually like it here. There is no reason for me to resent her. But I have found that she is quick to snap at me all of a sudden. She has been downright mean sometimes. When I ask her what is wrong, she tells me nothing is wrong. Then when I probe further she brings up then arrogant thing. She can't give me any examples, just says I'm arrogant. I'm not expecting anything, but when she is changing in her attention to me, it seems rather inconsiderate to the fact that I'm in a new place and left everything behind because she wanted to move.
I am happy. The only thing right now that affects my happiness is when my wife is inconsiderate or intolerant of me. Then when I try to communicate with her to find out what is wrong she blames me by saying I'm arrogant, sarcastic, and critical of people. I am very self-confident. I don't find myself to be arrogant, but she does. I am sarcastic in a funny way. I've always been that way. It just seems like she's taking things I've always been and now it's an issue. She claims I'm more so than usual. Trust me I want to fix the problem. I've looked into it. I'm self-critical as well. I am going to try and be less of those things. But when I look at the big picture I can't help but feel that it's something else. Like for some reason she is choosing to focus on my negatives while ignoring the positives. The thing is she seldom complains about these things until I complain about how she's treating me. And she doesn't seem to care how I feel about it.
STOP blaming her. Let it go. And I promise you both will be 5000 times better of. Live and let live. It's okay.
And if she blames you or accuses of you of something, just let it roll right off your shoulders. Tell her, I'm sorry if I behaved in any way that made you feel bad. Kiss, make up, move on.
Not sure why you are so angry. We met there. Her mom and sister lived there. She had lived there for almost 10 years before we met. We got married there. We had kids there. After all this she tells me she wants to move back to the Midwest. Someplace she has NEVER lived as an adult. As my kids from my other marriage were still young I agreed that I didn't want to leave them, so could we wait until they graduated. She said it would be too late by then, so she agreed to just stay. Well we ended up moving after they graduated anyway.
I do not resent her for us moving. Our kids have adjusted well and I actually like it here. There is no reason for me to resent her. But I have found that she is quick to snap at me all of a sudden. She has been downright mean sometimes. When I ask her what is wrong, she tells me nothing is wrong. Then when I probe further she brings up then arrogant thing. She can't give me any examples, just says I'm arrogant. I'm not expecting anything, but when she is changing in her attention to me, it seems rather inconsiderate to the fact that I'm in a new place and left everything behind because she wanted to move.
Start listening to yourself when you talk to her. Don't be arrogant and don't be sarcastic. Start showing her some affection. This woman obviously loves you. She's trying to tell you what you need to do. You're asking, she's answering. Listen to her.
Not sure why you are so angry. We met there. Her mom and sister lived there. She had lived there for almost 10 years before we met. We got married there. We had kids there. After all this she tells me she wants to move back to the Midwest. Someplace she has NEVER lived as an adult. As my kids from my other marriage were still young I agreed that I didn't want to leave them, so could we wait until they graduated. She said it would be too late by then, so she agreed to just stay. Well we ended up moving after they graduated anyway.
I do not resent her for us moving. Our kids have adjusted well and I actually like it here. There is no reason for me to resent her. But I have found that she is quick to snap at me all of a sudden. She has been downright mean sometimes. When I ask her what is wrong, she tells me nothing is wrong. Then when I probe further she brings up then arrogant thing. She can't give me any examples, just says I'm arrogant. I'm not expecting anything, but when she is changing in her attention to me, it seems rather inconsiderate to the fact that I'm in a new place and left everything behind because she wanted to move.
She does not KNOW what is wrong. Arrogant is all her brain can attach to because she is unaware of the underlying issues around male/female attraction. All she knows is that you are letting her down. But, especially in this confusing time of gender equality, she can't tell you what she wants and needs to be attracted to you and to have that fire lit again.
The idea that marriage is about us talking to each other and listening to each other and doing what the other one says they need only takes us part of the way there. You need to make sure you aren't love busting. You need to be making deposits in the love bank according to HER love language. You can't be making withdrawals by failing the fitness tests. And if you are the beta sort, you need to find a way to stand out as man to her without giving up your core of your kind, generous self.
Seriously they can explain it over at talkaboutmarriage better than I as a female.
I just shared with someone in a PM how this worked for me. My husband naturally passed my fitness tests. Read this:
"
Perhaps subconsciously, the tests begin. Are you man enough to maintain my interest? Are you man enough to be a father to the children? Are you man enough to control yourself, hold a job, be faithful, and stand up to others.
If you are, then prove it by standing up to me!"
Absolutely subconsciously for me! I did not MEAN to be a jerk. He was trying to do for me. I had a bad day. He made me a sandwich. I replied "You put too much jelly on it!" And began crying. Because after all having too much jelly on the sandwich is the end of the world. He threw the plate at me and told me to make my own damned sandwich. What would I have thought of him if had taken the plate into the kitchen and scraped jelly off? Weenie. Maybe not consciously. But I would learn that I have the right to be an unreasonable jerk to him, and he is going to take it.
Some say these fitness tests are part of our biological reproductive makeup. Can you be the man I need.
These fitness tests have absolutely NOTHING to do with fairly and successfully negotiating day-to-day decisions about life. They in know way require being a jerk. Reaction to fitness tests is about the biology or attraction and lighting the fire of interest. The fire of interest cannot take a Nice Guy. (Aka doormat). A nice guy? A caring person? ABSOLUTELY. But not a Nice Guy.
I just shared with someone in a PM how this worked for me. My husband naturally passed my fitness tests. Read this:
"
Perhaps subconsciously, the tests begin. Are you man enough to maintain my interest? Are you man enough to be a father to the children? Are you man enough to control yourself, hold a job, be faithful, and stand up to others.
If you are, then prove it by standing up to me!"
Absolutely subconsciously for me! I did not MEAN to be a jerk. He was trying to do for me. I had a bad day. He made me a sandwich. I replied "You put too much jelly on it!" And began crying. Because after all having too much jelly on the sandwich is the end of the world. He threw the plate at me and told me to make my own damned sandwich. What would I have thought of him if had taken the plate into the kitchen and scraped jelly off? Weenie. Maybe not consciously. But I would learn that I have the right to be an unreasonable jerk to him, and he is going to take it.
Some say these fitness tests are part of our biological reproductive makeup. Can you be the man I need.
These fitness tests have absolutely NOTHING to do with fairly and successfully negotiating day-to-day decisions about life. They in know way require being a jerk. Reaction to fitness tests is about the biology or attraction and lighting the fire of interest. The fire of interest cannot take a Nice Guy. (Aka doormat). A nice guy? A caring person? ABSOLUTELY. But not a Nice Guy.
Nice post and interesting site, started reading some of the posts there.
Whoa!! Maybe this is one of the reasons you're having such issues with your OWN wife. Excuse me, but sometimes you need other people's support and input in order to MAKE a marriage work. My hubby and I have been together for 30 years! One of the reasons that our marriage HAS worked out is because of my male friends! Sometimes men are pretty darn tough to figure out and when you're in a relationship, they're not likely to reveal too many DEEP feelings. Where else are you going to get a real insight as to "how they tick", if not from other men!?
It's other WOMEN who have concreted things into my hubby's brain as well. I could say something 100 times and have him think I'm "just talking/whining/nagging", but let another woman lay it out for him and all of a sudden....LIGHTBULB!! OOOOOHHHHHH!! Ridiculous possessiveness and insecurity have no place in a functional relationship.
But were talking about crossing lines...do you talk about sexual issues with your guy friend, or bad mouth your husband to him? Is your guy friend the one you rush home to and talk with and receive comfort from - while you keep your husband in the dark and don't share with him?
Its not just seeking advice, more so diminishing your husbands role and replacing him with someone else..hence emotional affair vs seeking advice...
But were talking about crossing lines...do you talk about sexual issues with your guy friend, or bad mouth your husband to him? Is your guy friend the one you rush home to and talk with and receive comfort from - while you keep your husband in the dark and don't share with him?
Its not just seeking advice, more so diminishing your husbands role and replacing him with someone else..hence emotional affair vs seeking advice...
How do YOU know what your wife is talking to other men about? How exactly do YOU know she's crossing the lines? HAVE I talked to other men about sexual issues? Yes, I have. Do I got into detail with them? No! Of course not, I don't generally go into detail about sex with my hubby after 30 years, either! Have I vented about something my hubby and I are bickering about, to my male friends? Heck yeah I have!! Am I looking for someone to replace him? Am I looking to get them mad at him? NO! Not at all! I'm venting and looking for understanding and solutions! The biggest share of my male friends KNOW my husband. They are also men who know how men think and why they generally do what they do. They are the same gender and as such, do not THINK the same way that women think (usually).
It seems more to me like you're IMAGINING a whole lot of things! You said your wife, after you pressing her, says that you're arrogant and sarcastic. It sounds like you're awfully sensitive to criticism as well. TEBM, do you really think your wife wants to come rushing home to talk to someone who is arrogant and sarcastic? IF your wife is looking for comfort, she's darn sure not getting it from YOU! You're sarcastic and arrogant! YOUR WORDS!
Like I said before, you're laying it out there! Read your own words. LOL You have diminished your role as her partner and source of comfort. She has obviously become so accustomed to your sarcasm and arrogant attitude that she's not going to set herself up for more of it. If I have something to share with my husband, or need his comfort or support, but KNOW from experience, that he's going to blow me off, be arrogant or sarcastic about it, I'm NOT going to talk to him. I'm going to find someone who'll simply LISTEN to me, without some smart ass attitude or comments!
There is a time and a place for everything. Take your wife and your marriage....your partnership, more seriously. How many times does your wife have to tell you that she finds you arrogant and sarcastic, before it actually sinks in and you learn how to communicate on a different level?
You're talking to another woman. You're talking about your wife to MANY other women here! Helloooo? Why is it that if your wife talks about you and your marital problems to other men, it's considered "crossing the line" or an emotional affair? You, however, come onto CD and discuss your wife and your marital problems with other women. Hmmm but you're just "venting", "looking for solutions", etc....right? You seem to have a healthy set of double standards there. You just might want to work on that. I mean, unless of course, you're simply looking for someone to feel sorry for you and replace your wife.
How do YOU know what your wife is talking to other men about? How exactly do YOU know she's crossing the lines? HAVE I talked to other men about sexual issues? Yes, I have. Do I got into detail with them? No! Of course not, I don't generally go into detail about sex with my hubby after 30 years, either! Have I vented about something my hubby and I are bickering about, to my male friends? Heck yeah I have!! Am I looking for someone to replace him? Am I looking to get them mad at him? NO! Not at all! I'm venting and looking for understanding and solutions! The biggest share of my male friends KNOW my husband. They are also men who know how men think and why they generally do what they do. They are the same gender and as such, do not THINK the same way that women think (usually).
It seems more to me like you're IMAGINING a whole lot of things! You said your wife, after you pressing her, says that you're arrogant and sarcastic. It sounds like you're awfully sensitive to criticism as well. TEBM, do you really think your wife wants to come rushing home to talk to someone who is arrogant and sarcastic? IF your wife is looking for comfort, she's darn sure not getting it from YOU! You're sarcastic and arrogant! YOUR WORDS!
Like I said before, you're laying it out there! Read your own words. LOL You have diminished your role as her partner and source of comfort. She has obviously become so accustomed to your sarcasm and arrogant attitude that she's not going to set herself up for more of it. If I have something to share with my husband, or need his comfort or support, but KNOW from experience, that he's going to blow me off, be arrogant or sarcastic about it, I'm NOT going to talk to him. I'm going to find someone who'll simply LISTEN to me, without some smart ass attitude or comments!
There is a time and a place for everything. Take your wife and your marriage....your partnership, more seriously. How many times does your wife have to tell you that she finds you arrogant and sarcastic, before it actually sinks in and you learn how to communicate on a different level?
You're talking to another woman. You're talking about your wife to MANY other women here! Helloooo? Why is it that if your wife talks about you and your marital problems to other men, it's considered "crossing the line" or an emotional affair? You, however, come onto CD and discuss your wife and your marital problems with other women. Hmmm but you're just "venting", "looking for solutions", etc....right? You seem to have a healthy set of double standards there. You just might want to work on that. I mean, unless of course, you're simply looking for someone to feel sorry for you and replace your wife.
Umm you're responding to another responder here not the OP.
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Ridiculous possessiveness and insecurity have no place in a functional relationship.
