Quote:
Originally Posted by Yiuppy
I'm typically the love guru confused people go to because I have common sense and know how things should be approached, but I'm also the doctor who can't heal thyself, so I need some help with an uncomfortable event happening tonight.
I've been [online] friends with someone I met through a support forum for about two years. He's someone who's married and loves his wife, but is emotionally unsatisfied, unmotivated, and easily destroyed. He doesn't feel like he has a partner who shares anything he believes in and claims that's what he wants. He told me rather straight-forwardly today in a conversation through Facebook messaging. We talked for maybe two-three hours as usual, but this time he was very direct with how he feels.
It shouldn't be that much of a shock, but it made me feel uncomfortable knowing that he's married and he feels this way about me. He even asked to come and visit me and call me. He lives in New England, I live in DC. Not that it's a great distance but... there are just too many obstacles. I told him no and to think long and hard about the prospect of getting personal with me on that level before even asking me those questions.
I've never had to deal with this from married men, or men in any type of relationship for that matter, and just know that my gut says to say NO to any type of movement even resembling flirting, much less letting him lean on me for emotional relation.
He says he feels closer to me and wants to be closer to me because we have such a strong connection, he says, and we do, but I don't think it's a good idea, at all.
I have mixed stupid feelings about this and think it's awful that we aren't together to be honest lol. But I respect marriage too much and I respect him as a friend to let us get into something reckless that would jeopardize our friendship after so long.
He gave me his phone number anyway... I'm not going to call him. I think I'm just going to ignore the rest of his messages for the evening and let him apologize tomorrow when his head is clearer.
I need some help with how to handle this situation. I consider him a friend, we've been talking for years and this is the first time he's really made it so known to me how he really feels. I don't want to lose him as a friend. Any takers?
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A few things in your post (bolded) suggest that you are not really distraught about this situation and may in fact be enjoying the attention / flattery / excitement surrounding it. If you were really appalled about it you shouldn't be telling him to think hard before he even makes such personal attempts, which, if anything, suggests there is room for negotiation, possibilities...
Similarly, citing "too many obstacles," like the physical distance between your respective cities, reflects consideration of a dalliance, not rejection of the proposal.
Laughing that it's too bad you're not in fact together, also suggests a level of levity on your part that is not congruent with the serious concern you say this situation is bringing you.
If you are as concerned as you say, and respect marriage as you say, cut this off now. He's someone you chat with online, not a childhood friend-- the balance of the scales here is quite obvious, if you are honest about what you yourself are also seeking from this.
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