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Hi, I’m new so I hope I’m posting properly.
This is not only about me, as the title suggests.
My closest friend since 5 years has been sleeping with a married man for months.
She’s 35 and he’s 42. So they’re not exactly young and foolish, only the latter.
Many would say this is non of my business, and I understand that thinking.
But… She keeps bringing this ”relationship” up with me. She knows I disagree with it, but I haven’t made many comments for fear of losing her. So I let her talk… About how happy she is.
She knows that he sleeps with his wife, but thinks he does so out of ”duty”.
I can’t get my head around that!
But she’s in love and she’ll have him for as long as she can.
He’s ”stuck” with the wife for a number of reasons. Financial matters and kids.That’s what he tells her, and she buys that.
Finding out about this not only schocked me but saddened me too. It’s like I don’t know who she is anymore. She has never been married, and never been in a long relationship. Always very picky with men and rather single than with the "wrong" man. Yeah, go figure..
Despite her disappointing behaviour I don’t want to lose this friendship!
I obviously think she’s being played big time.
Now, I have developed an urge to talk to her about it.
I wish for her to question how he can love her and still sleep with his wife, if she means so much to him then why hide her away? How can she trust anything he tells her when he’s manipulating his own family? Why participate in ruining a family?
Maybe I’m selfish, but it would make ME feel better if I could put those questions in her mind.
I don’t want her wasting her life on a ”relationship” based on, and fuelled by, lies.
I’d be careful to not make it seem like I judge, or that I’m trying to tell her what to do.
I just want her to start thinking!
Has anyone been in my situation? If so, what did you tell your friend? Or do you have any suggestions? I’d love to know!
Yeah I have a friend who talks to me (daily *sigh*) about the married man she's sleeping with. Well, she's also married so it's extra annoying. You are in a tough spot, because as a friend she's forcing you think about deep moral issues that you never wanted to think about yourself. Just tell her it's uncomfortable for you and that you don't want to talk about that. I did this once and my friend respected that ... for a while. But now she's back to talking about it again. People never listen to me...
Yep I have a friend like that. I told her plain and simple, I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I didn't judge her or anything like that, but I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. It came off like she was trying to convince herself she was doing the right thing, and she wanted me to agree with her. If I were you, I would do the same thing. You can still be her friend, without hearing about her exploits with a married man.
Hi, I’m new so I hope I’m posting properly.
This is not only about me, as the title suggests.
My closest friend since 5 years has been sleeping with a married man for months.
She’s 35 and he’s 42. So they’re not exactly young and foolish, only the latter.
Many would say this is non of my business, and I understand that thinking.
But… She keeps bringing this ”relationship” up with me. She knows I disagree with it, but I haven’t made many comments for fear of losing her. So I let her talk… About how happy she is.
She knows that he sleeps with his wife, but thinks he does so out of ”duty”.
I can’t get my head around that!
But she’s in love and she’ll have him for as long as she can.
He’s ”stuck” with the wife for a number of reasons. Financial matters and kids.That’s what he tells her, and she buys that.
Finding out about this not only schocked me but saddened me too. It’s like I don’t know who she is anymore. She has never been married, and never been in a long relationship. Always very picky with men and rather single than with the "wrong" man. Yeah, go figure..
Despite her disappointing behaviour I don’t want to lose this friendship!
I obviously think she’s being played big time.
Now, I have developed an urge to talk to her about it.
I wish for her to question how he can love her and still sleep with his wife, if she means so much to him then why hide her away? How can she trust anything he tells her when he’s manipulating his own family? Why participate in ruining a family?
Maybe I’m selfish, but it would make ME feel better if I could put those questions in her mind.
I don’t want her wasting her life on a ”relationship” based on, and fuelled by, lies.
I’d be careful to not make it seem like I judge, or that I’m trying to tell her what to do.
I just want her to start thinking!
Has anyone been in my situation? If so, what did you tell your friend? Or do you have any suggestions? I’d love to know!
Thanks for reading.
You're friend is a fool. What incentive could this man possibly have to leave his wife? In the end, your friend will get dumped. Not because this man necessarily likes his wife more, but because dumping you friend will be easy and quicker than getting a divorce.
Tell her she is free to make her own choices, but that you don't want to hear any more about this. If she brings it up again, walk away. Explain you will not associate with her if she keeps trying to discuss this with you. AND THEN STICK TO IT.
The thing is you have to decide if you want to put up with it or not. You also need to decide if you want to be there to "rescue" her when it all blows up it her face, either she gets tired and leaves him or if he decides to kick her to the curb.
The married men hardly ever leave the wives for the GF, I know it happens, but most the time it doesn't.
I haven't even addressed the morality issues, I'm talking about just the practical stuff at this point.
Just tell her it's uncomfortable for you and that you don't want to talk about that. I did this once and my friend respected that ... for a while. But now she's back to talking about it again. People never listen to me...
It's hard for them to stop when you're their one confidante. It's not like they can go around talking about their relationship to their other friends. One thing that would bother me about it though is the lack of respect for your feelings when they confide this in you--some part of them thought it would be ok to talk to you about it and that everyone else would judge. Not that I want to be judgmental but I want people to respect my feelings about this. Perhaps if you present it in that light?
Thread may be fake, but I have known a few women who has done this in the past.
These women thrive on drama, and they justify these relationships any way they can, even if they know it's wrong. I'm pretty sure most women learn that putting themselves into these situations is a recipe for disaster either through there own experience, reading it, or someone elses experience, but they just ignore advice and signs and, like a horse with blinders on, continue down the straight road.
Women need to avoid these situations, and they need to learn to not buy into the things these men say that hooks them in so easily, whether they tug at there heart strings or showing off a fat wallet that's actually full of singles, all this will do down the road is cause major damage to many people.
It's hard for them to stop when you're their one confidante.
It's not like they can go around talking about their relationship to their other friends.
I know. I know this is it. She's all alone.
Quote:
One thing that would bother me about it though is the lack of respect for your feelings when they confide this in you--some part of them thought it would be ok to talk to you about it and that everyone else would judge. Not that I want to be judgmental but I want people to respect my feelings about this. Perhaps if you present it in that light?
I think people are pretty good at lying to themselves to excuse behavior that deep down they know is really wrong. Even if this man leaves his wife for her what makes her think she will be any different down the line? She's somehow convinced herself that the wife is awful and she herself is so wonderful that this man can't help himself because what they have is real love. She's going to do whatever she wants to do no matter what good advice and reality check you try to give her. I would tell her you don't want to discuss it with her and I would distance myself from the friendship. The ultimate blame lies on the cheating husband, but decent people don't insert themselves in other people's marriages.
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