Website strictly for Cheating? Really?! (guys, husband, kids, divorced)
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Its Ashleymadison.com.
And youre right, no website needed for cheating, there are already plenty of those anyway. A person can cheat at work, at a bar, heck even on a business trip or with a neighbour, with the husband's friend...the list goes on. I was just astonished that there was an actual website made specifically for it, never heard of it, till recently.
"Life is too short" is one of my most detested phrases. Life is too short...so you can justify cheating, lying, breaking someone's trust and their heart? Life is too short...so cast aside any sort of values, any kind of self-respect, any kind of honor? Life is too short...so go on out and get you some and don't worry about the people you mow down in the process? Can't stand that phrase because it is so often used to justify extremely poor behavior.
<stepping off soapbox and stalking away, muttering to self>
I look at this a bit differently than most people, I guess. Instead of viewing monogamy as some Puritan idea with no reason or rhyme, I actually think of it as an evolutionary step forward from polygamy and polyamory.
I don't view it as some Puritan idea. I view monogamy as something that works for some people and something that doesn't work for other people. Instead of being the expectation for everyone, it should be the expectation for those who choose to be monogamous. And those who choose to be polyamorous should be able to do so free of judgment from the monogamous crowd.
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It's "better" because there are fewer risks in general, from emotional to physical health. One more person to pick up a disease and spread it to the others (one more person to get it, too), and somewhat more chance of someone getting jealous or being squeezed out.
I'm very responsible about who I sleep with, as are many poly people. Poly folks realize the increased risk of spreading venereal diseases, and often tend to overcompensate in that area as a result.
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And if we are to compare irresponsible monogamous people (who cheat on their spouses and are therefore not monogamous at all, really) to anyone, we should compare them to equally irresponsible people in "open relationships" and the like. You don't taste a rotten orange and then a fresh apple and say, "See? Apples are better". Just my opinion.
I think a lot of "irresponsible monogamous people" are just polyamorous people being shoved into the monogamous model. I'd be a very irresponsible heterosexual because...I'm gay. Likewise, I would probably be irresponsible if I forced monogamy on myself. But because I just accept myself as a gay person and a polyamorous person, I am not trying to live up to an unreasonable expectation. I'm not saying this is the reason why every cheater cheats, but I do think it would solve a lot of issues with cheating. I am willing to bet that a good chunk of the population is poly and cheats because they feel pressured to look and act monogamous and just can't live up to the expectation.
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It's certainly a promotion of something harmful that can only be "good" by coincidence. And as people increasingly deny the power of influence and opportunity, it's tolerated because after all "Cheaters cheat, and liars lie"... as if they were cheaters and liars since birth
I agree that cheating is very harmful. I don't condone cheating for a second. The nice thing about being poly, though, is that I can tell the woman I love now about this other woman I really like--without having to go behind her back and live a double life. Falling for another woman doesn't mean leaving the one I'm with now. I can love both of them at the same time. Everything is open and honest from the get-go, so there's no need for secrecy. There's no jealousy. Love is infinite, so no matter how many times you cut it up, you still get infinity.
It's a very different model than what many people are used to, but I think a lot of people (not everyone) will find that it works better for them if they try it.
I don't view it as some Puritan idea. I view monogamy as something that works for some people and something that doesn't work for other people. Instead of being the expectation for everyone, it should be the expectation for those who choose to be monogamous. And those who choose to be polyamorous should be able to do so free of judgment from the monogamous crowd.
There are different sorts of judgment. People in general should be free of directly offensive judgment that applies to the person themselves (I wouldn't even call someone who steals on a regular basis a thief, as an example), but no one should be free of judgment in terms of their behavior, especially when the judgment isn't of what's "right" and "wrong", but simply of what's superior and inferior.
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Originally Posted by nimchimpsky
I'm very responsible about who I sleep with, as are many poly people. Poly folks realize the increased risk of spreading venereal diseases, and often tend to overcompensate in that area as a result.
...which is also a drawback. And this is not to mention the emotional risks. I know that monogamous relationships can end in heartbreak as well, but polyamorous relationships entail that much more of a risk. Not only can one person simply be cut out of the relationship at any time, but jealousy can spring up for an elevated number of reasons. Monogamy does more to prevent this, due in part to societal expectations of what a monogamous couple should be. "Your spouse/gf/bf comes first" is simple and effective.
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Originally Posted by nimchimpsky
I think a lot of "irresponsible monogamous people" are just polyamorous people being shoved into the monogamous model.
Even I said that if someone cheats on their spouse, it disqualifies them from being a truly monogamous person. But that's in that moment. It doesn't mean it's somehow in their NATURE to be polyamorous, no more than it means that "polyamorous people" who fall in love with one person and cut the third position out are naturally monogamous. People choose what lifestyle to lead as they go along, learning and/or deluding themselves. We could speculate all day about why people do what they do. That would get us nowhere, however, and so I just look at the inherent qualities (or lack thereof) in the lifestyle choice itself.
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Originally Posted by nimchimpsky
The nice thing about being poly, though, is that I can tell the woman I love now about this other woman I really like--without having to go behind her back and live a double life. Falling for another woman doesn't mean leaving the one I'm with now. I can love both of them at the same time. Everything is open and honest from the get-go, so there's no need for secrecy.
Oh, I'm sure it is very convenient. I'll flat-out admit there were times in my life where the thought of polyamory appealed to me. It sounds like a lot of fun, and I'd suspect anyone denying that of being dishonest with me. But long-term, I couldn't expect for it to work. Too many holes NECESSARILY in the plan.
You may just be fortunate enough to enjoy this lifestyle for many more decades until you die of old age. I wouldn't suggest that failure is inevitable (and I would hope you would pay monogamous people the same respect). But in the course of a lifetime, I really think your chances are considerably lower than a monogamous couple - again comparing the responsible with the responsible, the mature with the mature.
There are different sorts of judgment. People in general should be free of directly offensive judgment that applies to the person themselves (I wouldn't even call someone who steals on a regular basis a thief, as an example), but no one should be free of judgment in terms of their behavior, especially when the judgment isn't of what's "right" and "wrong", but simply of what's superior and inferior.
...which is also a drawback. And this is not to mention the emotional risks. I know that monogamous relationships can end in heartbreak as well, but polyamorous relationships entail that much more of a risk. Not only can one person simply be cut out of the relationship at any time, but jealousy can spring up for an elevated number of reasons. Monogamy does more to prevent this, due in part to societal expectations of what a monogamous couple should be. "Your spouse/gf/bf comes first" is simple and effective.
Even I said that if someone cheats on their spouse, it disqualifies them from being a truly monogamous person. But that's in that moment. It doesn't mean it's somehow in their NATURE to be polyamorous, no more than it means that "polyamorous people" who fall in love with one person and cut the third position out are naturally monogamous. People choose what lifestyle to lead as they go along, learning and/or deluding themselves. We could speculate all day about why people do what they do. That would get us nowhere, however, and so I just look at the inherent qualities (or lack thereof) in the lifestyle choice itself.
Oh, I'm sure it is very convenient. I'll flat-out admit there were times in my life where the thought of polyamory appealed to me. It sounds like a lot of fun, and I'd suspect anyone denying that of being dishonest with me. But long-term, I couldn't expect for it to work. Too many holes NECESSARILY in the plan.
You may just be fortunate enough to enjoy this lifestyle for many more decades until you die of old age. I wouldn't suggest that failure is inevitable (and I would hope you would pay monogamous people the same respect). But in the course of a lifetime, I really think your chances are considerably lower than a monogamous couple - again comparing the responsible with the responsible, the mature with the mature.
Your whole post reeks of "monogamy is superior/responsible/mature, polyamory is inferior/irresponsible/immature" (whether you intended it or not, and whether you're aware of it or not). I understand that it may not work for you, but my point is that polyamory may work better for some people, and make be the superior/responsible/mature option for them. I'm not knocking monogamy. I agree it's the superior/responsible/mature option for some people. I'm just saying different lifestyles work for different people and that closeted polyamory may be at the root of cheating for some people.
Jealousy has to do with the feelings you have inside. It has nothing to do with whether you happen to be polyamorous or monogamous. There are plenty of poly people who don't experience jealousy the way monogamous people do, and there are plenty of monogamous people who find many ways to be jealous despite being monogamous.
Monogamy and polyamory don't have to do just with who/how many people you happen to be dating or wish you could be dating at the moment. I could happen to have sex with a man and I'd still be lesbian. Someone can wish they would date two people at the same time, but still be monogamous. Or they could decide to go for a monogamous run for a few years or in a specific relationship, but still be polyamorous--just like if a bisexual happens to be dating the opposite sex now, that doesn't make them straight if they've dated the same sex before. Monogamy and polyamory are deeper than what you do or wish you could do. They are how a person's heart works, no matter what they actually do in their relationships.
It's not about what's convenient either. Being gay is not convenient in many parts of the world, but that doesn't mean people can just stop being gay. The same is true of being poly. No one can help who they fall for, and if that person happens to be the same sex/more than one person at the same time/etc., they're not much they can do about it. We can control our actions and we can control our reactions to our feelings, but we can't control the feelings themselves.
There probably are many websites for this but I just saw a commercial on tv made strictly for cheating. REALLY??! Supposedly it encourages people to do so, because 'life is too short'. This guy ought to be....I wont say it but heck there are enough websites where people cheat anyway, without being enticed or pushed into it. That is so wrong, encouraging it!
And we want to know why there are so many people in marital distress right now without this crap. Whatever happened to dignity, honesty and 'loyalty'...did that go out the door too, with everything else in this modern day of beliefs and stuff?
I just had to vent about it, say my 2c worth on this because its just wrong. But... it is what it is I guess, we cant stop it but we can oppose it.
Are you talking about Ashley Madison or whatever that site is called? Quite frankly it doesn't shock me at all. Men looking sleep with married women as a turn on or fetish are just as common as the women who love to fool around when their husband no longer interests them and then there is the breed of married couple who is into cuckoldry. Someone just finally found a way to make huge bucks off of it.
Disgusting. Can't believe or understand some people's mindset. Cheating is NEVER okay under any circumstances and there is NEVER a reason to cheat. Now, I'm starting to think that web censorship may actually be a good thing...
Yeah, censorship that's the answer. Look people, a website can't make you cheat. There are always going to be people who cheat for whatever reason. It's been happening since day one, when man realized that there was somebody cuter than what he had at home. Guess what, a thousand years from now if the world is still here, people are still going to be cheating.
"people would be a lot happier with polyamory" How about not getting married in the first place. That would take care of the lions share of the Affairs unless you include SO and Boyfriend/Girlfriends than you would have 75% of the population labled as Cheaters.
I know people who got married just so they can get health insurance.
Why be in a relationship if you want to mess around with different people? Stay single.
I can see it. Someone already brought up polyamory which is something that interests me. That is not really "messing around."
Staying single means living alone and I would prefer not to do that much longer. I'm sure there are many others that feel the same way. I'm open-minded and flexible.
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Look people, a website can't make you cheat. There are always going to be people who cheat for whatever reason. It's been happening since day one, when man realized that there was somebody cuter than what he had at home. Guess what, a thousand years from now if the world is still here, people are still going to be cheating.
