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So since I haven't found the right group local, I got together with long known friend and singer who I had been in a band with before. He lives two hours and 200 miles south of me.
He set up a jam with us and a drummer and bass player he knows. The jam went good and things seemed possible and exciting. It was to be a cover band and the premise was to play out sometimes and rehearse enough so we sound tight and good and not some yo-yo bo-bo band put together.
I told those guys "look I am traveling far and dedicating my weekends to this, when I come down we use the weekend to get tight but that also means us doing our homework on songs alone in between".
Everything started out good but then the bass player who is 50 something starts backing out saying he wants more time with his wife. So we audition a couple other bass players who weren't what we are looking for but then....
Another wife starts making comments about how she 's not sure if she wants her guy playing bars and clubs and coming home at 3am sometimes. That one guy seems like he can keep his wife in check but I am already sensing friction from it.
Then the drummer, which last weekend after a Saturday bassist tryout I told him we'll practice Sunday before I go home ok? No problem says he. But he didn't want to jam until 6pm so I hanged out all day with my friend the singer and bam, get the call around 6pm that he spent all day fixing his girlfriends car and now she wants to go out to eat so no practice.
That's it, I'm done, friggin whooped drummer. Back to looking for a new situation.
You have your wives and girlfriends that let their musician guy go do his thing, you have the wives and girlfriends that go to practices and gigs and just have fun with it, but then there are the band killer wives or girlfriends who feel threatened by their guy giving attention to the band and or the wives or girlfriends that feel the need to inject their thoughts and attitude into the band and those are the band killers. Only those in the band have say so on what songs, and where and when gigs will be, if you are not in the band you have no right to the direction of the band. No "you should do this or that", no " no you can't".
I caught wind of some sentiment toward me from one of them, I guess I scare the hell out of her since I am single and thinks I'll lead her guy to the dark side of late night bars and other women. Which is not true, I have no interest in being a devil on someones shoulder but yes wifey, it does mean YOUR guy WILL be coming home late sometimes and not be home EVERY night of the week but that doesn't mean he'll turn into a vampire and chase other women jeez. Let you guy the musician be what he is.
It is amazing to me how some guys are more mature in years yet are still led around on a leash, and some women even though they have been married for years to the guy are still distrustful and feel the need to be so controlling. Yeah, I am single but if I hook up with a chick that is my business it isn't going to effect your guy in the band, we just want to jam our music sometimes, that's what it is about, not about having groupies and partying all night.
I am not demanding to rehearse three times a week and gig all weekend, which in the past I would have expected. I am not demanding we go out of state. But I do expect a certain level of commitment and those in the band to have pride and caring about the end product of the band and I am expecting those guys to balance out their personal life with a band.
So since I haven't found the right group local, I got together with long known friend and singer who I had been in a band with before. He lives two hours and 200 miles south of me.
He set up a jam with us and a drummer and bass player he knows. The jam went good and things seemed possible and exciting. It was to be a cover band and the premise was to play out sometimes and rehearse enough so we sound tight and good and not some yo-yo bo-bo band put together.
I told those guys "look I am traveling far and dedicating my weekends to this, when I come down we use the weekend to get tight but that also means us doing our homework on songs alone in between".
Everything started out good but then the bass player who is 50 something starts backing out saying he wants more time with his wife. So we audition a couple other bass players who weren't what we are looking for but then....
Another wife starts making comments about how she 's not sure if she wants her guy playing bars and clubs and coming home at 3am sometimes. That one guy seems like he can keep his wife in check but I am already sensing friction from it.
Then the drummer, which last weekend after a Saturday bassist tryout I told him we'll practice Sunday before I go home ok? No problem says he. But he didn't want to jam until 6pm so I hanged out all day with my friend the singer and bam, get the call around 6pm that he spent all day fixing his girlfriends car and now she wants to go out to eat so no practice.
That's it, I'm done, friggin whooped drummer. Back to looking for a new situation.
You have your wives and girlfriends that let their musician guy go do his thing, you have the wives and girlfriends that go to practices and gigs and just have fun with it, but then there are the band killer wives or girlfriends who feel threatened by their guy giving attention to the band and or the wives or girlfriends that feel the need to inject their thoughts and attitude into the band and those are the band killers. Only those in the band have say so on what songs, and where and when gigs will be, if you are not in the band you have no right to the direction of the band. No "you should do this or that", no " no you can't".
I caught wind of some sentiment toward me from one of them, I guess I scare the hell out of her since I am single and thinks I'll lead her guy to the dark side of late night bars and other women. Which is not true, I have no interest in being a devil on someones shoulder but yes wifey, it does mean YOUR guy WILL be coming home late sometimes and not be home EVERY night of the week but that doesn't mean he'll turn into a vampire and chase other women jeez. Let you guy the musician be what he is.
It is amazing to me how some guys are more mature in years yet are still led around on a leash, and some women even though they have been married for years to the guy are still distrustful and feel the need to be so controlling. Yeah, I am single but if I hook up with a chick that is my business it isn't going to effect your guy in the band, we just want to jam our music sometimes, that's what it is about, not about having groupies and partying all night.
I am not demanding to rehearse three times a week and gig all weekend, which in the past I would have expected. I am not demanding we go out of state. But I do expect a certain level of commitment and those in the band to have pride and caring about the end product of the band and I am expecting those guys to balance out their personal life with a band.
I bet money exactly what she thinks is going to happen, will. Guys in bands are notorious for being serial cheaters, liars, abusers and everything else. They usually toss women aside like used tampons.....and I like guys in bands/musicians. You think your 'hooking up with a chick' for some one night stand isn't going to spread like wildfire throughout that band? LOL, Yea right. It's common knowledge men have a pack mentality; what one does the others feel compelled to do as well. God forbid they use their own brains and go against the grain. This almost always never happens. I know this first hand & it often results in dangerous circumstances. She should cut her losses now and leave him to 'be the musician he wants to be' as you put it. Or if he is really your friend, them both a favor and kick him out of the band and find another single guy to take his spot. Then you can all carry on uninterrupted.
I bet money exactly what she thinks is going to happen, will. Guys in bands are notorious for being serial cheaters, liars, abusers and everything else. They usually toss women aside like used tampons.....and I like guys in bands/musicians. You think you 'hooking up with a chick' for some one night stand isn't going to spread like wildfire throughout that band? LOL, Yea right. It's common knowledge men have a pack mentality; what one does the others feel compelled to do as well. God forbid they use their own brains and go against the grain. This almost always never happens. I know this first hand & it often results in dangerous circumstances. She should cut her losses now and leave him to 'be the musician he wants to be' as you put it. Do them both a favor and kick him out of the band and find another single guy to take his spot.
No....no....no. serial cheaters.
For one thing I don't care about hooking up with a woman due to me playing out in a band, the band and the music is my passion and what I care about is getting a "hell yeah you guys rock!". I'm in my 40's as are those guys and while, yeah I hooking up with a woman does happen its not like I have a flock of groupies throwing their bras at me....although I can dream
And I know plenty of other musicians married, who handle being in a band and gigging and their wives are ok with it and those guys are playing the music and going home to a faithful household so pleeeze with the "pack mentality".
I don't need to kick them out of the band however, they do it to themselves just fine. However since guys my age and older seem to often to have issues balancing a band with home life I might start not over passing the younger musicians I see looking for a band.
I bet money exactly what she thinks is going to happen, will. Guys in bands are notorious for being serial cheaters, liars, abusers and everything else. They usually toss women aside like used tampons.....and I like guys in bands/musicians. You think your 'hooking up with a chick' for some one night stand isn't going to spread like wildfire throughout that band? LOL, Yea right. It's common knowledge men have a pack mentality; what one does the others feel compelled to do as well. God forbid they use their own brains and go against the grain. This almost always never happens. I know this first hand & it often results in dangerous circumstances. She should cut her losses now and leave him to 'be the musician he wants to be' as you put it. Or if he is really your friend, them both a favor and kick him out of the band and find another single guy to take his spot. Then you can all carry on uninterrupted.
Id' like to ask something. Why is it all too often women have no hobbies, no passions besides home life? Yes some women have a hobby like painting, or maybe even music themselves but really most of the time it is like to them " hubby works, hubby comes home to be with me 365 a year"? I have seen it many times where if their guy goes to rehearsal or a gig she comes along because she wouldn't know what to do with herself otherwise?
And the thing is, the first few times her going to the band rehearsal or gig is fun at first for her, but then after a few times she gets bored or doesn't want to go and then it becomes a problem with her guy going because now she doesn't want to.
Id' like to ask something. Why is it all too often women have no hobbies, no passions besides home life? Yes some women have a hobby like painting, or maybe even music themselves but really most of the time it is like to them " hubby works, hubby comes home to be with me 365 a year"? I have seen it many times where if their guy goes to rehearsal or a gig she comes along because she wouldn't know what to do with herself otherwise?
And the thing is, the first few times her going to the band rehearsal or gig is fun at first for her, but then after a few times she gets bored or doesn't want to go and then it becomes a problem with her guy going because now she doesn't want to.
Well the most obvious answer to me why some women have no hobbies is because the odds of you all actually sitting at home, cooking dinner and watching kids is a snow ball's chance in hell -- so somebody's got to do it, right? Which leaves very little time for a woman to start her own band. Highly doubt there's men with egos small enough to let their wife go out several late nights a week to rehearse with her rock band, LOL. Yea right! The women you're talking about who 'don't know what to do with themselves, except follow hubby around' are the ones most of the men marry. They are ripe for the picking, b/c if she actually had a brain they wouldn't want her. She would be "too independent & ask too many questions."
Well the most obvious answer to me why some women have no hobbies is because the odds of you all actually sitting at home, cooking dinner and watching kids is a snow ball's chance in hell -- so somebody's got to do it, right? Which leaves very little time for a woman to start her own band. Highly doubt there's men with egos small enough to let their wife go out several late nights a week to rehearse with her rock band, LOL. Yea right! The women you're talking about who 'don't know what to do with themselves, except follow hubby around' are the ones most of the men marry. They are ripe for the picking, b/c if she actually had a brain they wouldn't want her. She would be "too independent & ask too many questions."
None of these guys I mentioned I was recently jamming with have kids, they either don't or they are fully grown and out on their own so that can't be the excuse.
But, yes most men unless they are couch potatoes have personal interests or hobbies besides home life and the day job. And again, I am talking about a cover band with songs that are not overly complex, while a certain amount of rehearsal and homework is needed, it is not like I am talking about doing originals and going touring for months at a time or going to another continent. A couple rehearsals a week and playing out 3 or 4 times a month on a weekend is not the end of all home life.
None of these guys I mentioned I was recently jamming with have kids, they either don't or they are fully grown and out on their own so that can't be the excuse.
But, yes most men unless they are couch potatoes have personal interests or hobbies besides home life and the day job. And again, I am talking about a cover band with songs that are not overly complex, while a certain amount of rehearsal and homework is needed, it is not like I am talking about doing originals and going touring for months at a time or going to another continent. A couple rehearsals a week and playing out 3 or 4 times a month on a weekend is not the end of all home life.
Well if they don't have kids or the kids are grown, then I don't know what the problem is then. Maybe like I said she suspects he will be cheating out on late nights and stuff like that. Can't say I blame her. And yes I know most men have interests and hobbies beside home life because like I said they don't have to sit around and watch kids/cook dinner after work. But these people you say don't even have kids, so why the wife doesn't have hobbies is unbeknownst to me. Only thing I can figure is like I said before, men mostly pick these women who's lives revolve around them, they don't actually want some woman who is doing her own thing life, it's too much of a blow to the ego. Rehearsing a few times a week AND playing on 3 or 4 weekends out of a month?? Really, that's not going to affect home life? I would think that it would, drastically.
Some people may think it's odd to find this in the relationship forum, but it's not. You do have relationships with your band-mates.
I'm guessing you are very young and just starting out.
You will always have band-mates with issues surrounding their SO/family. With good reason. Music takes a lot of time and energy that would otherwise go to the family. Yes, there's a good chance the SO won't be thrilled about being left at home with the kids every weekend while you are out playing the clubs and doing something you enjoy. Put yourself in her shoes. Then there's money. How much are you making and spending? Good equipment costs a lot and requires maintenance. If you aren't making much, bands are an expensive hobby. Probably your SO is worried about you. The music scene is an alternative life style where too many get to like the drugs, alcohol, etc a little too much. Are you strong enough to stay away from that stuff when you are surrounded by it constantly? Then there's the other women. I don't know why but women will literally throw themselves at guys in a band. It happens. Having an SO in a band can be risky business.
Then there's always issues with the other band members. It can take almost forever to develop a line up where all the guys are happy with the music and where it's going. It will seem like someone is always in the process of moving on. One will want to rehearse constantly and another thinks once a week is adequate. Most likely, everyone will also have 'day jobs' and other responsibilities, like making a living. One day, your keyboard player will wake up and decide to be a Zydeco player for the rest of his life. The bass player will want to go country and the guitar player will dedicate himself to the Blues. Things will always be changing and you have to roll with it, not be angry.
Bands are fluid and always changing. Musicians are artists and a band is a loose coalition of like minded individuals. Musicians can be capricious and very flakey. One of the best things you can do is have a few hard rules. If a player objects, there's the door and there is always a line of musicians wanting to play so no big deal. Once you get to the point where you are actually gigging, you will understand this.
Here's a list of rules you may want to consider. Nothing is ever perfect but something like this can make it easier.
1) If you can't make a gig, you are responsible for finding a replacement and paying that replacement out of your own pocket. If you can't find a replacement, you show up for the gig. Period. No exceptions.
2) If you decide to leave the band for any reason, you have to give 2 weeks notice so a replacement can be found.
3) No one leaves a gig till everyone is packed up and ready to go.
4) We all agree on every song we play and every band member has veto power.
5) We agree to rehearse x times per week at x location at x time. Everyone is expected to attend. If you don't make it you are responsible for letting everyone else know as far in advance as possible.
6) No drinking alcoholic beverages or indulging in recreational substances till your sets are finished.
You will still have problems but something like this can help. Most bands don't make it. Even most excellent bands don't make it. Drugs, alcohol, and lack of personal responsibility kill them.
I think the guys did the right thing. Once a relationship comes in to play - especially marriage - you have to consider the other person. "Jamming" with buddies for hours on end or late into the night is not considerate to the relationship. Kudos to your bandmates for realizing that.
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Which is not true, I have no interest in being a devil on someones shoulder but yes wifey, it does mean YOUR guy WILL be coming home late sometimes and not be home EVERY night of the week but that doesn't mean he'll turn into a vampire and chase other women jeez. Let you guy the musician be what he is.
