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He says that I am being unreasonable to ask him to quit. And I think that he is being unreasonable not to quit smoking.
I am at a loss what to do. Ideas? Suggestions? Thanks.
Sounds to me like he's got one bad addiction and is clinging on to it for dear life. Try working out a compromise, like having him cut back or switch to lower-cost cigs.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,043,610 times
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Wow, it's bad enough he's spending on cigs with so many other needs, but to put your health at risk too by smoking in the house? Sad and beyond selfish. Even my roommate won't smoke in the house and it's his house but just out of respect and concern for me. I'd be considering an efficiency on my own unless and until he wants to shape up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brocco
yes, though you definitely need to speak up regarding his disprespectiful attitude toward you. on the other hand, i'm wondering if he was the primary breadwinner for many years before becoming unemployed. did you consider his money "our money" when he had it?
I don't think she's complaining about his considering her money family money but the double standard that his is not.
Could he at least cut back? And smoke outside! Smoking inside is disgusting. My roommate smokes and there's no way I would live there if she smoked in the house.
If this is the first time he's been without a job, then he won't be able to quit now, it will in fact, be worse for him...he's upset...and needs the crutch.
did you know he smoked when you married him?
when a person smokes, it's a drug addiction...it's very very very very difficult to quit...and as I said, right now, isn't the time, he can't quit...wish he could, but he can't. It's so easy for us, including you, to judge...yes, he is being a selfish person, but that is what an addict is and does...I know, I smoked.
So, what I would do if I were you, would be stop blaming him, and encourage him to get out there and take any job he can right now...anything, that will help him gain back some self esteem. If I were out of work, I'd collect garbage if I had to...? But that's just me....
Like I said, it's easy to judge...however, you kow him better then any of us, and right now, I don't think the cigs are a topic for discussion.
I use to smoke and dip/chew years ago, but didn't do it enough to have a hard time stopping.
A question I'd have is......do you and him have separate banking accts? He calls his UI benefit "his money", that's why the question. When I was employed, my paycheck was a DD into one acct, which was both of us. When I got UI back in 2000/2001, it was a check that I signed that over to my wife to go into the acct. When I got EUC (emergency unemployment comp) at the end of 2008, it was on a Debit Card and my wife knew every cent that was spent on it. I bought gas, vehicle repair, food, etc. My current SS/Retirement goes directly into our acct. I have no problem sharing money in my marriage, but then again, we are a much older couple than ones that come on this forum (in our early-to-mid 60's).
All I can say is......you have two problems: his smoking addiction and him not wanting to share! If I'm wrong, please correct me.
My husband is a long time smoker. He claimed that he needed to smoke due to job stress. I didn't like it before but now the situation is worse. Cigarettes are at an all time high cost & he spends $75 to $100 on them each week. He has been unemployed for over a year and that is almost 1/3 of his entire weekly unemployment check. He says that it is "hismoney" and he can do whatever he wants with it. Well, the money from my retirement pension is the money used to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, car insurance, etc. In addition I also work almost full time to pay for the day to day expenses of food, clothes, etc. I don't think of it as "my money" but our money. My husband has always considered money that I earned or received as gifts as "family money".
If he stopped smoking we could pay off one of our credit cards or use the money in many different ways. I also feel that it is inconsiderate of him to me as I am greatly bothered by second-hand smoke (eye & throat irritation, etc). This has gotten much worse over the years (probably because the smoke smell has settled in our furniture, car, carpet, etc.).
Smoking may be directly effecting his health. He was in the hospital twice with severe pneumonia.
It is upsetting to me that my husband has $4,000 to $5,000 just "going up in smoke" every year when we can't afford things like a comfortable bed (our mattress is 24 years old) or to fix the broken side mirror on the car, or to replace our damaged old carpet (also 24 years old), or pay off the dentist for my husbands extensive dental work or to go on a vacation to visit relatives. I might feel a little differently if he had a good job and that $4,000 -$5,000 a year was extra "fun money" not money needed for bills. But we are barely scaping by paying our bills.
He says that I am being unreasonable to ask him to quit. And I think that he is being unreasonable not to quit smoking.
I am at a loss what to do. Ideas? Suggestions? Thanks.
I am a smoker. So , it isn't predjudice. If he won't deal w/ his addiction, divorce him. Talk to an attorney, make sure you protect your monies, retirements etc. File bankruptcy if you have to, you can file separately. Get your name off the bills. And get his name off your retirement, and insurance accts. You'll also be paying for his medical bills, if you don't protect yourself and leave, incl. filing bankruptcy. One person spending $100 weekly, He must be smoking 4 pks a day. You are at risk, second hand smoke kills! Protect your assets from his BS. Go to an attorney and then walk.
You can't just tell someone to quit smoking and expect it to happen right away. On top of that it seems like you're going about it the completely wrong way and making things even more negative than they have to be.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,043,610 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
If this is the first time he's been without a job, then he won't be able to quit now, it will in fact, be worse for him...he's upset...and needs the crutch.
did you know he smoked when you married him?
when a person smokes, it's a drug addiction...it's very very very very difficult to quit...and as I said, right now, isn't the time, he can't quit...wish he could, but he can't. It's so easy for us, including you, to judge...yes, he is being a selfish person, but that is what an addict is and does...I know, I smoked.
So, what I would do if I were you, would be stop blaming him, and encourage him to get out there and take any job he can right now...anything, that will help him gain back some self esteem. If I were out of work, I'd collect garbage if I had to...? But that's just me....
Like I said, it's easy to judge...however, you kow him better then any of us, and right now, I don't think the cigs are a topic for discussion.
Yeah, I guess you're right. But it really is a topic for discussion when there are so many other needs right now. My roommate goes to a smoke shop and uses the cig roller machine that does it automatically and gets a carton at a fraction of the price of regular ones. And they look like regular cigs. You can get them with or without filters. He can start smoking outside and the other suggestions you made. It's fixable but he has to want to fix it too, not just her.
ETA: I'm not insensitive to him as a smoker because I smoked for the better part of 15 years. I know how hard it is.
I am a smoker. So , it isn't predjudice. If he won't deal w/ his addiction, divorce him. Talk to an attorney, make sure you protect your monies, retirements etc. File bankruptcy if you have to, you can file separately. Get your name off the bills. And get his name off your retirement, and insurance accts. You'll also be paying for his medical bills, if you don't protect yourself and leave, incl. filing bankruptcy. One person spending $100 weekly, He must be smoking 4 pks a day. You are at risk, second hand smoke kills! Protect your assets from his BS. Go to an attorney and then walk.
hahahaha are you f*cking kidding me?! You're telling a person who WILLINGLY married a smoker to then change her mind, tell him to quit and if he doesn't, DIVORCE him?!
Jesus christ
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