In a Long Distance Relationship, not sure when to have "serious talk"...? (dating, boyfriend)
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My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment, and as others who have been a part of one may agree, it's definitely tough. We've been together a little over 6 months, and have met over four-five times. This relationship is definitely the healthiest and greatest one I've been in, others being very dramatic an abusive and lasted only a month or less.
I'm wondering to get some advice from several of you... being in this kind of relationship, when is it the right time to have a serious talk about the future- without scaring the poor guy away? (considering I'm his first serious girlfriend, which i make myself out to be pretty lucky.)
We seem to "joke" about it because of our sense of humor, but i always wonder if he really does think about it beyond the joke. He tells me he loves and misses me, that I'm "perfect" for him and he can't see either of us with anyone else, wants me to move down with him and brought up the whole "forever" word. However he also said in a irrelevant conversation that he wasn't a fan of "planning" for the future. I'm kind of thinking if he's afraid of commitment because he hasn't had a serious girlfriend before. I'm not looking to push anything either, I just want to KNOW, if I'm just a 'warm up' or he really has thought about being committed with me.
Don't worry, we're not young pre-teens that have a hard time understanding what love and commitment really is... we're in our 20's.
So I'm just curious, from ones who have most likely have more experience than I, when would it be appropriate to have a serious talk and how should I start off?
In my opinion 6 months of being together but apart because of distance is way too soon to have any sort of serious talk about anything beyond the weather. Wait until you spend more time together and get to know each other more than being with each other 5 or 6 times. Forever is way more than 5 or 6 good weekends.
Not until you spend time together and not after sex. After that men want a sandwich, the remote, and something cold to drink. Seriously folks you can't get to know anyone long distance.
I agree with CSD here - things are going well but honestly, having only spent time with him 4-5 times in 6 months, you don't really know each other well enough to be having serious talks about the future. You may feel like you do but most likely, you don't. In the beginning of any relationship, most people - including yourself - are on their best behavior and it's only later in the relationship that you start seeing people for who they really are. And in my experience, a long distance relationship extends this period even longer - because it's easier to be on your best behavior when you're not around each other that often.
The fact that you've only ever had unhealthy relationships that only last a month max suggests you're unfamiliar with this "honeymoon period" that occurs in normal, healthy relationships. And this being his first relationship, he probably is unfamiliar with it as well. So don't allow yourselves to be lead by naivety - take a step back from your emotions and ask yourself logically, is 4-5 visits together really enough to know someone well enough to be talking about long term commitments? Think with your head, not your heart. Give it at LEAST a year, allow yourself to see what he's like during all seasons, all holidays, etc throughout the full year. Some studies have suggested the "honeymoon period" can last as long as 18 months in some cases.
Not until you spend time together and not after sex. After that men want a sandwich, the remote, and something cold to drink. Seriously folks you can't get to know anyone long distance.
Does phone sex not count? Aaaaanyway,
It just depends on the guy. Some guys will run away even if you ask "Where is this going" after a year of living WITH them; others want to ask that THEMSELVES right after finding out your name.
Honestly, I don't think it's EVER "too soon" to ask. Won't change a guy's values or personality. No such thing as this question ever scaring a man away, imo. But I do think it's rather pointless. I know you want to know for sure, but of course you know one can never do that. All he can tell you is what he wants or feels at the moment. He could say "Forever" and it fall apart, or he could say "We'll play it by ear" and you end up growing old together.
I've always said that only women live in the past, present, and future. The present is a man's address, and he only visits the other places when something drags him there. Again, different men are different ways, though.
Also, are you in your LATE 20s? Because psychologists have said that people don't actually "grow up" in mind until they're about 30.
Did you ever spend time together in the same place, or has it always been long distance?
In my experience, long distances always prolong and sweeten relationships. When you're apart,you can idealize the other person, and the anticipation of seeing each other builds into a frenzy.
Then you're usually on your best behavior while you are together. This can create a false state where you are ALWAYS in a honeymoon period.
The only way to REALLY know what your relationship is like is to be together in the same place on a regular basis.
The only way to do that is for one of you to move.
Has he ever suggested moving to where YOU are, or does he only talk about your moving there?
I would only suggest that you think about moving there if there is a good job opportunity and IF you would want to live there if you were NOT dating him. Then you should just discuss it the next time he starts saying all that "forever" stuff and see how he reacts. Be very practical about it and just say how you feel. "You said you can't see yourself with anyone else, and I feel the same way. But I think we should live in the same place so we can really be together. What do you think?" Then go from there.
If he wants to continue the long distance, suggest that you also date others while you are apart, not as a test but to be practical.
Here's my perspective (as somebody who is in a long-term cohabiting relationship that actually began as an LDR when I was 30 and my SO was 27, so I have some relevant perspective)...
He's already brought up "move in with me." Therefore, this conversation is fair game, it's not out of left field. If he's going to be the sort who hems and haws with mixed messages (and "move in with me...I can see us being together long term...buuuuuuuut, wait, I'm not really big on planning for the future" is definitely a mixed message), you need to know that now rather than later, i.e. after you've picked up and moved to be with him.
P.S. People will tell you that LDRs that become cohabiting relationships don't work, that you don't know the person well enough to make a go of it at a "real," day-to-day relationship, that things will fall apart once your relationship faces the wrinkles of everyday life and things aren't idyllic and dramatic and long phone conversations and blah blah blah...but it can work, depending on the relationship. I'm living proof. I'm guessing I'm far from the only person where it's worked out wonderfully, too. Thankfully, nobody in my life was a naysayer when I took the plunge, but I've definitely heard the above admonitions given to others in similar situations.
The only way to REALLY know what your relationship is like is to be together in the same place on a regular basis.
The only way to do that is for one of you to move.
Has he ever suggested moving to where YOU are, or does he only talk about your moving there?
I would only suggest that you think about moving there if there is a good job opportunity and IF you would want to live there if you were NOT dating him.
Totally agree. When my SO started giving me the "we should live closer together" cues, it wasn't "Move to where I am," it was, "Why don't we look at job opportunities for you where I am, and job opportunities for me where you are, or job opportunities for both of us somewhere else?" And we did. We ended up finding the more appropriate job option for me in his city, but I hadn't spent a lot of time there yet to decide if it was where I wanted to move my life to. So I spend a bit of time there, in order to determine if it was a place I could happily call home, even if things didn't work out with him (or the job).
But, again, I would absolutely address the mixed messages thing before taking it that far. When one person is essentially uprooting his or her life, there's no room for ambiguity, ambivalence, and "I really don't like labels, I really don't like commitment, I really don't like to plan for the future" type stuff. That's the talk of somebody who definitely doesn't want to be a party to somebody making a major lifestyle change at his suggestion. So make sure things are very clear and on the same page.
My husband and I dated 3 years in the same place, then 2 years lived 200 miles apart.
We now have been married more than 20 years, but the first few were difficult even with our commitment.
If you were able to date in the same city at first and know when you separate that you want to be together, a lot of the questions that the OP faces are not relevant.
But if you start off apart, you have a lot of uphill climbing to do. And getting around mixed messages is awkward.
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