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Need your experience/thougts. I'm involved in a long distance relationship with someone. We met on line 6 months ago and he is from Spain, I live in AZ. He's come to visit 4 times; and I've met his mother, son and brother on Skype. He's met my family. He plans to visit a few more times before Christmas. Me and my 5 year old son will be visiting his family during Chirstmas time and we've become quite serious about each other. He's a wonderful man, as far as I can see. I know the saying "amor de lejos is amor de *******s" (a love from afar is a love for idiots). but it just happened. He's very stable, committed, financially settled and a decent, kind man. And...he is quite generous with us.
Anyway, I'm mostly concerned about my 5 year old son. The only future for our relationship is if I move over there or he moves over here. I've been to his country and just love it; I went to school there 20 years ago. Considering the idea of moving over there, I am concerned for my son and what's best for him. I have to consider that if I move there, that he will be away from the only family he knows, learn another language/culture and continue his education there. Is it fair of me to consider taking him to a whole new world, away from everything he knows? Should I consider ending the relationship or what ( I don't want to); he's the kind of man I've been praying for my whole life.
What are your thoughts on this?
Last edited by angelfood; 06-07-2011 at 05:15 AM..
Reason: add more
Before all the LDR naysayers jump on, and the people telling you you're emotionally unstable if you uproot your life for something that began six months ago, I'll respond...
Assuming that the relationship is stable, moving yourself and your child to a very different place, with a different culture, different language, away from everything he knows is going to be easier with him being five than it would be with him being ten. Or 15. It will also help that you are not a stranger to the country or culture, because it won't be two of you doing a complete adjustment at the same time. Having known American-born kids who grew up in countries other than their birth (military kids, Dept. of State kids), it can be pretty cool. I would just make sure that such a move is well thought out for all parties involved, stability-wise. There are never any guarantees, and at some point, everything is a leap of faith. I'm assuming that you're a responsible enough parent not to go off on something half-cocked when you've got a kid in tow, so you must have some reason to believe there is a stable future there.
I would DEFINITELY make sure I spent some time visiting, first, and see what kind of feel you get. And probably not just at holiday time, either, but some time where you can see what average days are like, etc.
I wonder, it seems like the way you're leaning here is that you would be the one who moves...has there been any discussion in the option of him making the move?
I ask, because my relationship started out long distance (not tranatlantic, though), and we quickly (after four months) made plans to be together and close the gap. But in my case, we discussed either he or I making the move. Ultimately, we decided that I would, as job prospects were better for me where he was than they were for him where I was, and I wasn't looking to stay in my field, anyway, so a move for me made the most sense. But, still, it was never an assumption that I would def. be the one to put it all on the line and make the move. Just wondering where you guys stand on that. Is it important enough to him for you guys to be together that he'd move for you? Whether it happens that way or not, it's good to know that the other party is that invested, too.
Uprooting your life is obviously not something to take lightly...it wasn't for me, and I was just crossing state lines and there were no children involved. For me, it's worked out wonderfully, but I fully recognize that it didn't HAVE to. So only you will know in your gut if it's worth the risk.
What does your family think? Mine was very supportive when they met my SO...which allayed many of their fears about my going off so quickly with somebody I hadn't known an incredibly long time, and who lived fairly far away. Their support was important to me, as I value their character judgment.
Thanks for responding. I agree that I must visit him more often and get a feeling for life there. He has described his life but I need to get a real feel for it. As for my family, they love him as well as my son. My son and his grandmothers have a special relationship and they express the longing they will have for him if he goes.
And that's valid...the grandchild/grandparent bond can be a very important one. I grew up with a grandmother for a neighbor, and that was enormously shaping in my life. My SO grew up the same way. Now, both of us lives hundreds and hundreds of miles (thousands, in a couple of cases) from parents and grandparents, and we are total transplants. If we have children, it saddens us both in many ways that they won't have that same grandparent experience that we both found to be so special. They'll have grandparents they see once or twice a year, briefly. It's sobering.
I wouldn't do it without getting married first. If you aren't sure enough to marry you LDR partner, neither of you should be moving. If you didn't have a child I might give a little more leeway, but you can't afford to make a mistake. Moving him to Spain is too much of a burden on him for an iffy situation. If you move that child there, you need to feel sure it will result in a happy-ever-after ending. It's not a 50/50 move to make.
Need your experience/thougts. I'm involved in a long distance relationship with someone. We met on line 6 months ago and he is from Spain, I live in AZ. He's come to visit 4 times; and I've met his mother, son and brother on Skype. He's met my family. He plans to visit a few more times before Christmas. Me and my 5 year old son will be visiting his family during Chirstmas time and we've become quite serious about each other. He's a wonderful man, as far as I can see. I know the saying "amor de lejos is amor de *******s" (a love from afar is a love for idiots). but it just happened. He's very stable, committed, financially settled and a decent, kind man. And...he is quite generous with us.
Anyway, I'm mostly concerned about my 5 year old son. The only future for our relationship is if I move over there or he moves over here. I've been to his country and just love it; I went to school there 20 years ago. Considering the idea of moving over there, I am concerned for my son and what's best for him. I have to consider that if I move there, that he will be away from the only family he knows, learn another language/culture and continue his education there. Is it fair of me to consider taking him to a whole new world, away from everything he knows? Should I consider ending the relationship or what ( I don't want to); he's the kind of man I've been praying for my whole life.
What are your thoughts on this?
Seriously, this is the BEST time to move to Spain with your 5 y.o. son. This is the age that he can adapt well to another culture or language. Yes, he will miss your family or his father's family but there's always skype, writing, e-mailing or visiting. Go for it!
What would your situation be in terms of you/your son getting back to the states to spend time with family, or for family to come visit? Is it viable? How regularly would you be able to swing it?
Is his father still living? In his life at all? If not, maybe workable. Plenty of kids don't have the luxury of living near their grandparents, but can visit, talk on the phone, etc. If his father is still living or around, I think you may need to consider having this man come to you instead.
If you don't mind my asking, what is your son's father's roll in his life? Is he close to him?
I don't mind at all. My son's father is minimally involved; no support whatsoever.I like it this way. Although things are positive and there is some communication, the reason is to keep the doors open for my son to discover on his own and when he is old enough, who is father is. He only became involved in the past year; my son is 5 years old. So what do you think?
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