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I think you have a right to be concerned. You should find out who dumped who. If the ex wife dumped your guy, then, you should stop him from seeing her completely. If he dum hped the ex, then, you probably don't have much to be worried about since he has chosen to be with you. In either case, tell him to shutup about his ex because it makes you very uncomfortable.
His ex dumped him. But now his ex seem to be friendly toward him-sharing daughter story with him, send him daughter recital invitations...etc. Also his ex would email the daughter pics to his mom etc.
His ex dumped him. But now his ex seem to be friendly toward him-sharing daughter story with him, send him daughter recital invitations...etc. Also his ex would email the daughter pics to his mom etc.
I'd say good for the ex, then - regardless of you and your feelings, they were all family at one time. She's trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her ex-MIL.....and what is wrong with sending dance recital invitations and sharing growing up stories to this child's father?
Hon, you need to learn real fast - you will never, ever be #1 in every area, not when he has a child. And frankly, that child is his flesh and blood and should rightfully be his first concern in this whole mess. While the so-called adults here may have had a bad time, they will recover and will deal with all of this as adults, with whatever wisdom they have garnered through the years. That child is the one with the most to lose. You? You need to step back and let the relationship between the ex, your BF, the child, the ex- in-laws and everyone that was involved long before you came on the scene work itself out and be the best it can be. Nothing is worse than divorced parents fighting, and nothing brings more healing than two people who come together for the good of their child.
I think the BF is a little wrapped up in what used to be, but you? You're showing an incredible lack of being able to see outside yourself and your needs. That child is his for the rest of his life - he will always, provided he is any father at all, be active and involved in her and her life, and that means interaction with the ex-wife.
Get over him and move on - I honestly don't think you are ready for the kind of selflessness it will take to maintain this relationship. He needs to grow out of his intense grief about the past, and you need to grow as well.
I'd say good for the ex, then - regardless of you and your feelings, they were all family at one time.
No, her feelings should not be treated with disregard. Then they decided to divorce and now they have to figure out how to each have a life and co-parent their child. Period. Their excessive togetherness now will confuse the child if the couple is not reconciling. It is not in the best interest of the child, it makes the child anxious.
She's trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her ex-MIL.
A common ploy women use to get the ex back..form an alliance with the man's mother and gain her sympathy and support. The really sociopathic ones use this strategy.
.....and what is wrong with sending dance recital invitations and sharing growing up stories to this child's father?
Nothing at all. Girls who have strong relationships with their father grow up with good self-esteem and well adjusted in most cases.
Hon, you need to learn real fast - you will never, ever be #1 in every area, not when he has a child. And frankly, that child is his flesh and blood and should rightfully be his first concern in this whole mess.
"Hon", She never said she wanted to be #1. She just doesn't want the mother using the father's relationship with the child to push her out so she can return to her ex. Please remember the mother and father decided to divorce. They are no longer married.
While the so-called adults here may have had a bad time, they will recover and will deal with all of this as adults, with whatever wisdom they have garnered through the years. That child is the one with the most to lose.
The ex wife is the wife who seems to be playing sociopathic mind games; I don't see the child as losing anything; he or she has access to both parents and they both love the child, apparently. Let's see how grown-up the ex-wife would be should the father decide he should have sole custody of his daughter, which release the ex-wife's hold on him for good.
You? You need to step back and let the relationship between the ex, your BF, the child, the ex- in-laws and everyone that was involved long before you came on the scene work itself out and be the best it can be.
It's a given that they were there first. But since the couple decided to break up their marriage, and the father has chosen to have a relationship with another woman post-divorce, that fact is irrelevant here. What she needs to do is NOT volunteer to be his ex-wife and his ex-in-law's doormat. She's not trying to take his daughter from him, and he no longer belongs to his ex wife
Nothing is worse than divorced parents fighting, and nothing brings more healing than two people who come together for the good of their child.
Yes agreed; though it is a bland generalization. Divorced parents fighting is awful. But father and mother each have their own life now, and emotional boundaries should be be put into play. They are no longer a married couple, This kind of playing house on the parent's part gives the child false hope the parents will reconcile. That's not fair to the child and it is definitely not healthy.
I think the BF is a little wrapped up in what used to be, but you? You're showing an incredible lack of being able to see outside yourself and your needs. That child is his for the rest of his life - he will always, provided he is any father at all, be active and involved in her and her life,
A divorced dad can be a very effective parent to this child for the rest of his life, and he can co-parent with the ex-wife without pretending he is still her spouse. That keeps him from going on with his life. He is an adult, not a monk. He deserves a life too. They can communcate with letters, phone calls and emails, this would keep dad fully up to date with his child between visits. This should be okay with ex wife if she is truly going on with her life apart from him.
and that means interaction with the ex-wife.
Interaction that does not disrespect the current woman in his adult divorced life.
Get over him and move on - I honestly don't think you are ready for the kind of selflessness it will take to maintain this relationship. He needs to grow out of his intense grief about the past, and you need to grow as well.
You don't have to tell her to leave. She'll decide for herself whether to move on if she sees he is unhealthily attached to his past. There is no need to beat this woman up. All she is trying to do is love the man. Why does the girlfriend have to be the villain? The husband and wife broke their home up, not the girl.
Labor, you don't hear the jealousy in the OP's posts? I do - loud and clear.
My kids were never confused about "excessive togetherness" - they knew the parents came together for occasions and then they went their respective ways. What was confusing to them was the time when we couldn't all be in one room together without everything going straight to hell because of animosity. We had to put all of that behind us and not much worry about what current BF, GF, or spouses or whatever the person of the moment was thinking. My ex and I hated each other for several years - amazingly, when we decided to act like civilized human beings everything started working out - oh, and we dropped the jealous crazy-makers we were dating and found other adults who realized we were parents long before we were the new boink. After 25 years of being divorced, we have spent the last 17 or so Christmases, birthdays, Thanksgivings, and other holidays together. Our children are 34 and 31. They are not confused, but they are ever so appreciative that they can have their entire family together. And that includes the current spouses, who figured out a long time ago that while the husband and wife may have split, the parenting didn't.
I don't ever think I suggested the boyfriend/ex-husband be a monk. Far from it. And I never told her to leave - but I continue to maintain that it takes grace to be able to walk this fine line. If you're having problems with the ex sending dance recital pictures to the paternal grandmother, then you may not be ready for prime time. I don't need or want to beat up the OP - she asked, I replied.
Dating a guy with kids can be very rough. I've been down that road. Even though I loved the guy, I knew it wasn't forever. After we broke up, I made rule #1 "NO MEN WITH KIDS" - I didn't have any and didn't want to play second fiddle to someone else's... something that may be necessary a time or two. Also, I started thinking about what would happen if/when WE had kids together... would OUR children always come second to his first child? Considering the guilt and other stuff good fathers with children go through, it seemed a possibility that it would happen a time or two.
Blended families are rough... they're a package deal... you want him, then you get the ex, the kid, the child support issues, the visitation issues, the holiday issues... the list goes on and on. The time for a decision is sooner, rather than later.
Labor, you don't hear the jealousy in the OP's posts? I do - loud and clear.
My kids were never confused about "excessive togetherness" - they knew the parents came together for occasions and then they went their respective ways. What was confusing to them was the time when we couldn't all be in one room together without everything going straight to hell because of animosity. We had to put all of that behind us and not much worry about what current BF, GF, or spouses or whatever the person of the moment was thinking. My ex and I hated each other for several years - amazingly, when we decided to act like civilized human beings everything started working out - oh, and we dropped the jealous crazy-makers we were dating and found other adults who realized we were parents long before we were the new boink. After 25 years of being divorced, we have spent the last 17 or so Christmases, birthdays, Thanksgivings, and other holidays together. Our children are 34 and 31. They are not confused, but they are ever so appreciative that they can have their entire family together. And that includes the current spouses, who figured out a long time ago that while the husband and wife may have split, the parenting didn't.
I don't ever think I suggested the boyfriend/ex-husband be a monk. Far from it. And I never told her to leave - but I continue to maintain that it takes grace to be able to walk this fine line. If you're having problems with the ex sending dance recital pictures to the paternal grandmother, then you may not be ready for prime time. I don't need or want to beat up the OP - she asked, I replied.
The OP's concern seemed to lie in the direction of the conniving and manipulations of the ex-wife. The ex-wife whose ego is telling her to present herself like a rival to this woman. Both the mother and father love the children, that pretty much cinches that they are going to be alright. I believe it is rather pathetic that the ex-wife uses the needs of her children (one of their needs being access to their father) to garner attention or whatever she is hoping to secure for herself. The emotional support through the divorce is something she should be find for herself, on her own, not using the ex-husband for a crutch.
One of the most difficult aspects of divorce though, is when one or the other so-called adults in the setting refuses to MOVE ON. It is not the ex-husband's job to help the ex-wife deal with her grief over the marriage's demise. That is inappropriate personified. That violates enough psychological boundaries to have family therapists running through the streets screaming, en masse.
One of the most difficult aspects of divorce though, is when one or the other so-called adults in the setting refuses to MOVE ON. It is not the ex-husband's job to help the ex-wife deal with her grief over the marriage's demise. That is inappropriate personified.
And it's not the OP's job to help him OR her or anyone else get over it and move on. That seems to be the issue - whether he can move on, the ex can move on, and the OP can tolerate all the weirdness while both of the very lost campers wander around behind the little animals.
In the words of Greg Louganis - "Get out. Get out now".
You already know the answer. He is not over the exwife.
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I think you have a right to be concerned. You should find out who dumped who. If the ex wife dumped your guy, then, you should stop him from seeing her completely. If he dum hped the ex, then, you probably don't have much to be worried about since he has chosen to be with you. In either case, tell him to shutup about his ex because it makes you very uncomfortable.
