Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am currently in a 2 year relationship with a great girl. But the thing is that this is the first relationship that I have been in longer than 9 months. We have been having problems lately with expectations that we have for where a relationship that has been established for so long should be by now. I have a traditional West Caribbean upbringing. (for those that don't know, meaning education, goals, and drive are instilled in our minds from very young) So, I am a plan your work, work your plan kind of guy. Being a recent college grad, 26, got a great job right out the gate due to networking and busting my butt to be in the right place at the right time with the right info.
Before we started dating exclusively we have talked about important relationship steps and when they should be taken, and I believed had came to conclusions on where we as individuals stand on those issues and what that means for us as a couple. Particularly, living together before marriage. For the past couple months we have been having arguments about this issue. She expresses that she feels that because of me not being able to "sacrifice" this traditional thought that it is hurting our relationship. It is even more so now due to her living situation.
In a nutshell, her previous living situation wasn't manageable for her due to her graduating from college in a couple months. But instead of finding somewhere to live she did nothing until the time came for her to movie. Out of despiration I suggested that she rent a room from my mother temporaraly. I know that if we were to move in before I was ready based off an 'inability to plan' there would be resentment and I dont want that anywhere in our relationship. And, if we were to move in together she would try her hardest to stay instead of find her own place after graduation.
So that puts us where we are now. We had a talk about it yesterday and I told her that if I were to throw my standards aside to appease her's that I would feel that I have to change who I am inorder to be with her and it wouldnt feel like we are naturally growing together.
I am just at a loss for what kind of action I can take that will be a win win for the both of us. She told me that she feels that she is between a rock and a hard place and I am the only one who can fix this problem. But I feel that its moreso an unspoken ultimatium for what needs to be done inorder for her to be happy.....I am so lost....(not having a dad, doesnt help but thats another post, lol)
sorry if its a long post...just dont know what to do.....
"Look. I'm a traditional guy, with traditional values. And that makes me the person I am, the person that you love being with. And so I don't look upon living together as something that really works with my values. You know, values that include compassion, consideration, and my loving treatment of you. That's the way I was raised. I hope you can understand that."
"Look. I'm a traditional guy, with traditional values. And that makes me the person I am, the person that you love being with. And so I don't look upon living together as something that really works with my values. You know, values that include compassion, consideration, and my loving treatment of you. That's the way I was raised. I hope you can understand that."
I have said that too her before when we have had the convo and again last night. She said that I since that is how I was raised she feels that all she can do is wait, but the waiting is making her anxious and depressed. I told her that I dont have intentions on my values affecting you to where you are depressed. And that I feel that if I was to do otherwise it wouldn't be true to the person that I am, that you say that you love. She says that she doesnt want to change me but that in relationships you have to do all kinds of things that you dont want to (sacrifice) in order for things to work. And, she continually uses the "i have been in long term relationships before, and this how things work" time and time again. Which is true so then it puts me in the situation where I am questioning my ability to sustain a healthy relationship. Like I really dont know what im doing......
So you don't want to live together and she does? How old are you guys? Why does she want to live with you so badly? Either she accepts you don't want to live together and gets her own place or the relationship is over. There's not really any compromise on this.
Any relationship is going to involve compromise. However, it certainly sounds as though this is one area on which you refuse to compromise. And that's all well and good as we each need to remain true to ourselves at the same time. It sounds as though she also is not willing to compromise. So, what do you do? Well, you are faced with a dilemma: to compromise your values and reward her obstinacy or to hold to your values and risk the loss of the relationship.
She, on the otherhand, can continue to push you to give in or she can compromise and agree to wait. OR, the relationship will naturally end with each of you holding steadfast to your position.
So you don't want to live together and she does? How old are you guys? Why does she want to live with you so badly? Either she accepts you don't want to live together and gets her own place or the relationship is over. There's not really any compromise on this.
Really....after 2 years? I know that there are married couples that have rough patches and I think this is just one of them.... right?
she is really in a bind right now which is why she is living with my mom for now until she finishes school. But is always saying how she hates it and wants to live with me. She always brings up how her job pays crap and because of it she cant afford a single bedroom. And, then also says even if she could afford a single bedroom, she hates living by herself. She says that I am being inconsiderate of her feelings when i tell her she should just look for another job. (where her feelings come from about us living together and how it is related to what kind of job she works I am not sure) I told her that I am not trying to be inconsiderate, I'm just pointing out that you do have options but you choose not to use them.
So you don't want to live together and she does? How old are you guys? Why does she want to live with you so badly? Either she accepts you don't want to live together and gets her own place or the relationship is over. There's not really any compromise on this.
I'm also wondering why she wants to live with you so badly, especially after you've told her repeatedly that it's not what you want. How old is she?
Maybe she's just freaking out. I think a lot of people do around graduation. My college boyfriend got depressed and worried during his last semester and sometimes he was really irrational. I think the idea of being on his own and worrying about being successful got to him. It sounds like everything lined up for you really well so you may not have experienced the same anxieties.
My advice is just try to be there for her and help how you can, without compromising your values. I think you did well by talking to your mom about getting her a place to stay, which I'm sure is a huge worry for her right now. Relationships do require sacrifice but personally, agreeing to live together when I don't want to isn't one that I would be willing to make.
She says that she doesnt want to change me but that in relationships you have to do all kinds of things that you dont want to (sacrifice) in order for things to work. And, she continually uses the "i have been in long term relationships before, and this how things work" time and time again. Which is true so then it puts me in the situation where I am questioning my ability to sustain a healthy relationship. Like I really dont know what im doing......
Don't question your values based on the fact that she has been in previous relationships. Obviously those previous relationships didn't work out, which makes her no more of an expert than you. It sounds like she is creating a situation to force you to rescue her from her own choices. It's up to you what you choose, but make the decision based on your values and your future plans for the relationship, not from a position of insecurity.
My advice is just try to be there for her and help how you can, without compromising your values. I think you did well by talking to your mom about getting her a place to stay, which I'm sure is a huge worry for her right now. Relationships do require sacrifice but personally, agreeing to live together when I don't want to isn't one that I would be willing to make.
That's what I have been doing all along. I want to see her happy but at what cost you know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestyn
Don't question your values based on the fact that she has been in previous relationships. Obviously those previous relationships didn't work out, which makes her no more of an expert than you. It sounds like she is creating a situation to force you to rescue her from her own choices. It's up to you what you choose, but make the decision based on your values and your future plans for the relationship, not from a position of insecurity.
Its funny, a really good friend of mine that's like an older sister told me the same thing. But I just feel so bad knowing that this is what is making her hurt so much. It is becoming more and more frustrating since I dont know what to do and KNOWING that the only way I can fix this is to change the person that I am....
This is kinda off subject from my original post but is it weird for a girl to cry uncontrollably, throw herself on the door so you cant leave, grab your legs while you are walking away and being dragged, and throw herself in front of your car after you say that you need a break from the relationship, NOT breakup, but just a break to think about things while you're leaving?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But I just feel so bad knowing that this is what is making her hurt so much. It is becoming more and more frustrating since I dont know what to do and KNOWING that the only way I can fix this is to change the person that I am....
