Still going strong, haven't had the desire to date yet (how to, marriage)

[SVTRay]

Hey, as long as you're happy, I'm happy...that frees up all those cute girls for the rest of us.

[strawberrykiki]

Originally Posted by Chi-turtle

I gave it up because over the last decade I've had nothing but heartbreak, confusion, and disappointment. I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I subject myself to. As I get older the appeal of getting married and having a family slowly begins to decline. It took me a long time to get over my last girl who I was almost certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm finally over that pain and I really don't ever want to go through that again. I'd much rather be without someone. There's other important people you can have in your life: friends, family, volunteering, or even owning a pet and possibly adopting children. I can do so many more productive things to improve my life than to try and cater to someone else in hopes they accept me as a partner.

I think I'll pass on dating for good. If God descended from Heaven and said to me "Chi-Turtle, I'm here to reveal your destiny, and that is that you will never go on another date again for the rest of your life."

My reaction to that would be: "Okay"

I know how this feels...I've been disappointed a lot. Gotten my hopes up about someone being the one only to be let down. It really sucks and it's hard not to be discouraged. You have to do what's best for you and only you know what that is...I'm just trying to adjust my attitude for now. I definitely don't approve of people that can't turn in a circle without being in a relationship. Being dependent on someone else for your happiness is always a bad idea. A lesson I learned the hard way. Who knows, chi...maybe now that you've stopped looking that's when it will happen! People are always saying that to me. Usually it makes me want to punch them in the face though!

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by Ro2113

The thing that kills me is that people act like not being in a relationship or getting laid is some type of fatal disease. And for me, unlike some other guys on here I don't condemn the institution of marriage or relationships and I'm happy for people who are in great relationships but It's not for me. Talking to people and hanging out with them is rarely fun for me. Unless I get drunk it is just stressful and the last thing I need right now is more stress.

I know a woman who cashed in her 401K for a guy she was dating, because they were 'in love.' He had tons of credit card debt and was promising to marry her once it was paid down or off....he left her as* once he got himself situated and now has a wife, but it ain't her!

the thing that kills me, are people that act like being in a relationship or 'getting laid' leaves everything smelling like roses in its wake -- when more times then not it ends up in a hot mess and majority of these people that get together, rarely stay that way. So not only does it act like some kind of fatal disease, it acts like one that makes you do some profoundly stupid sh*t as well.

[Cornwallis]

Originally Posted by Chi-turtle

This isn't really a fair question. If you told me right now I could enjoy every minute of dating could you guarantee that could happen?

It's like if I were to ask you if you would say no to $10 Million. I don't have that kind of money and there's no way I could give it to you. There's no way you could ensure an enjoyable dating experience ever again in my life.

You're right, it wasn't a fair question. My point was that you seem to be loudly declaring (by making a thread on here) that everything is great and you're happy and you've moved on. I think deep down you are unhappy with the situation. And I think you should keep on trying, you are lying to yourself.

In fact you are faced with two very unnapealing choices. Spend the rest of your life alone or face the often unpleasant dating minefield. It's not easy. In fact it's all rather depressing, but I find at least when I am making an effort I can look myself in the mirror and be satisfied I am doing the best I can.

Originally Posted by Chi-turtle

I put over 10 years into searching for a wonderful woman, 4 years into online dating and met many many women. Some were good women, some where not so kind. I've had relationships and I've been shot down after date 1. I think effort only made things more difficult. It's not like other aspects of life. Effort in dating has no effect on the outcome of the situation. I know this to be true from experience.

My point is that I can use that effort in other aspects of life where that effort is rewarded. I have been doing that since my last breakup and I have to say my desire to date has slowly but surely evaporated.

You've had a hard run of it by the sound of it. I've not been terribly lucky myself but I'm pretty certain it's all going to turn out alright. Maybe it's just an optimism/pessimism thing.

As for the the effort side of it I think there's enough hours in the day for career, hobbies, friends AND dating. But dating does not follow the normal rules of engagement. Morality, fairness, effort/work ratio , all non-existant in the dating world. I find that makes it a little more exciting .

Originally Posted by Chi-turtle

You're definitely entitled to your opinion. And if there are others who want to roll with the punches of dating in hopes of finding something special then I applaud them for doing so...they have thicker skin than I.

I gave it up because over the last decade I've had nothing but heartbreak, confusion, and disappointment. I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I subject myself to. As I get older the appeal of getting married and having a family slowly begins to decline. It took me a long time to get over my last girl who I was almost certain I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm finally over that pain and I really don't ever want to go through that again. I'd much rather be without someone. There's other important people you can have in your life: friends, family, volunteering, or even owning a pet and possibly adopting children. I can do so many more productive things to improve my life than to try and cater to someone else in hopes they accept me as a partner.

I think I'll pass on dating for good. If God descended from Heaven and said to me "Chi-Turtle, I'm here to reveal your destiny, and that is that you will never go on another date again for the rest of your life."

My reaction to that would be: "Okay"

Ok so I'm sensing that the pain of the breakup is what's mainly fuelling this rather than the difficulties of the dating process itself, which I admit can be frustrating. Again, it's a real conundrum in life, "is it worth the pain?". I don't know personally, but I've found the more relationships and breakups I've had the more I think it is.

Best of luck to you buddy, let's hope you meet someone outside of the dating world. Statistically it's pretty likely as long as you're not a hermit. Just try to be positive and happy and it'll happen.

[Cornwallis]

Originally Posted by Ro2113

And why should I change myself to please someone else? Especially at this point where I've gotten content with being alone? Sorry no thanks. For most people it's worth it and I'm happy for them but for some like myself it isn't worth the effort and that's all there is to it.

No, you change to make yourself a better person, you do it to please YOU. Then I guarantee people will be attracted to you as a pleasant side effect.

I used to have major hang ups on this very issue. I used to think "I'm not changing for anyone, they can accept me or be damned". But then I realised the things that make people attractive are things that people should strive for anyway. Sociability, physical fitness, optimism, empathy, ambition, humility etc are things you should want to be whether you are looking for a relationship or not. The person who will gain most from the changes is you.

You could obviously argue you like being a depressed, out of shape person with no friends* and I have to admit I don't really have an answer for that one!

*Not suggesting that's you but you get my point

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by Cornwallis

No, you change to make yourself a better person, you do it to please YOU. Then I guarantee people will be attracted to you as a pleasant side effect.

I used to have major hang ups on this very issue. I used to think "I'm not changing for anyone, they can accept me or be damned". But then I realised the things that make people attractive are things that people should strive for anyway. Sociability, physical fitness, optimism, empathy, ambition, humility etc are things you should want to be whether you are looking for a relationship or not. The person who will gain most from the changes is you.

You could obviously argue you like being a depressed, out of shape person with no friends* and I have to admit I don't really have an answer for that one!

*Not suggesting that's you but you get my point

Why would you assume that such a person is depressed? As I said before, some people find socializing more stressful than being alone. Also, not all loners are fat and out of shape.

[Cornwallis]

Originally Posted by Ro2113

Why would you assume that such a person is depressed? As I said before, some people find socializing more stressful than being alone. Also, not all loners are fat and out of shape.

I was exagerrating for effect. Not depressed, just pessimistic, misanthropic, negative, whatever. If you tick all these boxes, you will have no problem with the opposite sex:

- Physically fit
- Make an effort to look good (nice clothes, well groomed etc.)
- Outwardly positive (not necessarily extrovert, just happy and content)
- Have good communication skills
- Have, or are working towards, a good career
- Have empathy and are kind to others

If you are lacking in one of those areas you will be doing yourself a huge favour by fixing it. If you have a medical condition that means you will always lack in one of those areas then that is unfortunate and you have an inherent disadvantage to everyone else, I guess you have to decide whether it's worth it, but I think everyone can find someone to love and to be loved by, it just takes a little more effort.

If you are truly content to not fulfill that list then fair enough, but I think you are probably selling yoursef short.

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by Cornwallis

I was exagerrating for effect. Not depressed, just pessimistic, misanthropic, negative, whatever. If you tick all these boxes, you will have no problem with the opposite sex:

- Physically fit
- Make an effort to look good (nice clothes, well groomed etc.)
- Outwardly positive (not necessarily extrovert, just happy and content)
- Have good communication skills
- Have, or are working towards, a good career
- Have empathy and are kind to others

If you are lacking in one of those areas you will be doing yourself a huge favour by fixing it. If you have a medical condition that means you will always lack in one of those areas then that is unfortunate and you have an inherent disadvantage to everyone else, I guess you have to decide whether it's worth it, but I think everyone can find someone to love and to be loved by, it just takes a little more effort.

If you are truly content to not fulfill that list then fair enough, but I think you are probably selling yourself short.

Well we simply disagree. I know myself better than anyone else and I'm pretty sure other people know themselves better than you and I know them so they probably know what's best for themselves.

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by Cornwallis

I was exagerrating for effect. Not depressed, just pessimistic, misanthropic, negative, whatever. If you tick all these boxes, you will have no problem with the opposite sex:

- Physically fit
- Make an effort to look good (nice clothes, well groomed etc.)
- Outwardly positive (not necessarily extrovert, just happy and content)
- Have good communication skills
- Have, or are working towards, a good career
- Have empathy and are kind to others

If you are lacking in one of those areas you will be doing yourself a huge favour by fixing it. If you have a medical condition that means you will always lack in one of those areas then that is unfortunate and you have an inherent disadvantage to everyone else, I guess you have to decide whether it's worth it, but I think everyone can find someone to love and to be loved by, it just takes a little more effort.

If you are truly content to not fulfill that list then fair enough, but I think you are probably selling yoursef short.

I don't see why it is of the utmost importance to 'tick off these boxes' in an effort to gain the attention/affections of the opposite sex . I can understand in life, people telling you "you should try and get dates or whatever" and then you try that but only because people told you that is what is 'normal.' But other then the need to want kids, boggles the mind why anyone gives a crap about these things as much as they do....and the idea that a person is 'selling themselves short' b/c they are not competing with other people in the mating game, is again, ridiculous.

I do have to LOL @ how you recognized some people 'have an inherent disadvantage to everyone else' -- but then say everyone can find someone to love. Except for when they can't.

[Chi-turtle]

I created this thread to be different from the doom an gloom threads in here everyday with people torturing themselves about current relationships or lack of finding one. I feel bad that you think people can't be happy without it. Things are going very well for me right now, if you'd like I can start a thread about it later tonight, just for you.