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Oh LM. I don't know. Big Secret Time: my DH was sexually abused as a boy. He was DXd depressed some time after and went on "something" (don't know which antidepressant) briefly and says it didn't do anything for him, so he stopped taking it. And since he believes that didn't work for him, he believes he wasn't depressed then, which he takes to mean he can't be depressed now. (?? Eh ?? )
We've had the depression convo. I do seriously think he could be depressed...he's like Eyore on a down day 98% of the time. I myself am on medication (I think most of my peeps here know this already, though). Unfortunately this is DH's out: it must just be me, because after all, I'm the one on pills, not him, so there can't be anything wrong with him...right?
I hate it when he does that, ^^ it's maddening (so to speak). It feels like avoidance to me.
Oh LM. I don't know. Big Secret Time: my DH was sexually abused as a boy. He was DXd depressed some time after and went on "something" (don't know which antidepressant) briefly and says it didn't do anything for him, so he stopped taking it. And since he believes that didn't work for him, he believes he wasn't depressed then, which he takes to mean he can't be depressed now. (?? Eh ?? )
We've had the depression convo. I do seriously think he could be depressed...he's like Eyore on a down day 98% of the time. I myself am on medication (I think most of my peeps here know this already, though). Unfortunately this is DH's out: it must just be me, because after all, I'm the one on pills, not him, so there can't be anything wrong with him...right?
I hate it when he does that, ^^ it's maddening (so to speak). It feels like avoidance to me.
YIKES - honey you have just said a mouthful.
Your guy needs some help and doesn't even realize it, how sad.
Your description of him just made me think there was SOMETHING going on. This info explains a lot I think.
When you see the therapist on the May 4th(?) you must make sure you guys reveal this to the therapist!
No, really. It's time my husband and I had The Talk. I've been telling him how I feel for years without gaining much headway (is that the correct euphemism?). I was thinking about things today and I realized it all boils down to one thing: he isn't the man I married.
I know that's a common complaint but I mean he REALLY isn't the man I married. I swear they slipped in some other dude on the wedding night and things haven't been the same thing since. The thoughtful, insightful, romantic, intense guy? Out. The dude with the beer can? In. (That's oversimplification but I thought it sounded quite witty.)
Last night I asked, again, for counseling. I know he doesn't want to break up because neither of us can afford it. (Can't afford a divorce, isn't that so 2012?) But you know what? JerZ isn't getting any younger over here. And this marriage is just not me. In any way.
Except the decor. The decor is me. (Loooooooooooove that cranberry motif.)
Not any of the rest, though.
So I told DH last night that I wanted to try counseling again. He gave me his old standby: "The last time was a disaster!" I told him, "The last time was 10 years ago. Have we given it enough time to give it another shot?" Come ON. It was a disaster for him because the therapist was on "my side". Well, that was ONE therapy session a decade ago. It's time.
So he finally said, "Fine." Now here I am looking up therapists.
If this doesn't work, you know what? I deserve (as much as anyone deserves, anyway) to either have my boat floated by someone, or to live without a dude and without the extra laundry. Period.
I know this came from nowhere but I thought I'd let the buds who know me on here, know what's goin' down. Wish me luck!
ETA: D'oh! I didn't even mention what I meant by "The Talk." I want to talk to him about how the ring slipped onto my finger and he morphed into a complete stranger, and how I am simply not in love with that stranger, period. And I never will be. I know because I've given it 10 years. No love for the stranger yet, nope. Or, well, brotherly/sisterly love, certainly. But not "yes, I'm willing to have sex with and share my retirement with this person" love. It is not happening.
I have a feeling it's all over but the shouting, folks.
Right. It's always the man's fault. There certainly possibly be anything wrong with you. Like, you might not be the woman he married?
Right. It's always the man's fault. There certainly possibly be anything wrong with you. Like, you might not be the woman he married?
Read the whole thread. She's tried talking to him about that and he doesn't tell her anything. Not everything is a man versus woman thing. Not everything has to be a gender war.
Read the whole thread. She's tried talking to him about that and he doesn't tell her anything. Not everything is a man versus woman thing. Not everything has to be a gender war.
Definately not just a man vs woman thing with depression and other issues playing a large part.
Good Luck JerZ
JerZ, a lot of people who have been abused, especially sexually, have intimacy issues--with communicating in marriages and so on. I've already told you all about my ex and me, and both of us were sexually abused for years. My heart really goes out to your husband, and to you for going through everything with him. That said, he needs help, and you can't give it all to him. He needs more help than any one person can give. As painful as it may be to you, you can't take it personally. Whatever you decide to do--stay or leave--there are some really big issues he will have to work on to help him get into a healthier relationship pattern.
ETA: For what it's worth, my ex and I were in a same-sex relationship. It has little to nothing to do with men vs. women. Men are socially conditioned to be less open about their emotions, but beyond that, on the inside, we are all human.
I too join the chorus of those who think you should make sure divorce is the right answer, especially now that we know he is depressed. There is more to marriage and family than having your heart go pitter patter. Chances are it never will do so again anyway, as you most likely will end up completely alone with no male companionship whatsoever. Furthermore you have admitted to being a "tyrant" - in my experience men do not respond will to that type of behaviour. It drives them even further inward.
Good luck with the counselor. Keep in mind that not all are created equal. We had a terrible one when I was married and going through this.
Wanh. BFD. He is "depressed". I had a miserable marriage for years with a man who went to Vietnam, and had PTSD. It was his "excuse" for being a jerk. At some point, either they deal with their issues, or they take you down with them. It is like trying to save someone drowning, while they pull you under too.
You can't fix someone broken who does not want help. You just end up being co dependent, and part of the entire dysfunction.
Save yourself. Be happy. Marriage is not about being miserable for life.
No. There is an attitude about being "sick" as a team and working through it as a team. But when a person is "sick", and does not want to let the partner in to help. It is no longer a marriage. You just stand on the sidelines, and watch. And end up feeling guilt. Guilt for not helping, when you can't, because that person wont let you. Guilt for not staying and being supportive.
No. At some point, you save yourself. And your kids. Or don't have kids in a marriage that is terrible.
No guilt here for leaving a miserable SOB. And guess what....my leaving actually helped him realize how screwed up he was....and he has been a better Father, and person since that epiphany. I was an enabler for his misery.
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Big Secret Time: my DH was sexually abused as a boy. He was DXd depressed some time after and went on "something" (don't know which antidepressant) briefly and says it didn't do anything for him, so he stopped taking it. And since he believes that didn't work for him, he believes he wasn't depressed then, which he takes to mean he can't be depressed now. (?? Eh ?? )
Wish me luck!
