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I've been dating this woman for over three months and there are some things that really stick out to me that are making it difficult for me to want to commit any further. Some of you may be familiar with her from previous posts a few months ago.
She's 24, I'm 29. So she's relatively young compared to me which might be part of the issue here.
Red flags include:
* She always talks about money. This seems to be a very important thing to her. The other day, she went on and on about how her friend was marrying this rich guy and how he was so perfect for her because she needed a man with money. She also lives this lavish lifestyle (fancy apartment, multiple international trips per year, goes out on the town pretty frequently for drinks/food), but always complains about the lack of money she makes as a school teacher. She once made a remark about whether or not I had an "entertainment" budget when I refused to pay for some drinks of hers (it was because of a bet we made; I offered to pay for one drink).
* I witnessed her do cocaine once when we were hanging out with a group of people at her friend's apartment. She claims that this is not something she does on a regular basis, and I haven't observed any more occasions such as this. But still...cocaine!
* I do so much for her, yet she seems to be more about herself. I've initiated and taken her out many times, paid for drinks/meals, brought her flowers on multiple occasions, taken her out on nice dates, picked her up from the airport when she's needed, cooked her several meals, etc. She's done a few things for me, like cooked me dinner one night in three months and brought me back a small gift from her recent trip to Mexico. But I still feel like I'm not really a major priority to her at this point. I feel like she just sees me as this convenient companion that keeps her company when she's bored.
* After three months of dating, I feel like communication should pick up more. But it's still sporadic. For instance, I didn't hear from her all day Monday, and had to initiate conversation yesterday. We don't really have deep, intimate conversations about our lives. Our conversations seem more shallow. I typically have to rely on my friends to have these types of conversations. On occasion, she'll ask me how things are with work, but it's pretty seldom (I think I can count on one hand how many times this has happened).
Does this sound to you like not a very good fit? Or does this sound like par for the course? Should I hold out and try to grow into this and make it work? I'm just trying not to jump ship so quickly, as that seems to be an issue I have when things look bleak.
Is she good looking? I really couldn't spot any positives about her in your post so this is my guess.
I mean, I'm attracted to her. But I don't think she's the most attractive person I've been with or would "dream" of being with. I'd say she's about average.
Overall, she doesn't sound like she has a very giving personality. Both what you said about her view of money, and the fact she doesn't do many little things for you give me the impression she has more of a self centered personality. For her, things sound more about her than about building the relationship (about "us"). For a long term relationship, there has to be a healthy desire to put some priority on that "us" part, which comes out in these instances with a giving, sharing, attitude more than a self centered one.
Your right, I would think if she had strong interest that communication would be picking up too, particularly in the depth of the conversations. At 3 months, there is still SO much to learn about someone else, and usually there is a comfort level by then to ask and share deeper and more intimate details of our lives and pasts. So all shallow or small talk at this point would lead me to believe she is not that interested in me either.
Occasional cocaine use, to me, would be a deal breaker anyway I slice it. So take that for what it's worth.
She is young, and you would know her relative maturity level right now better than me. That could change as she gets a little more established as an adult as well. However, I would agree with you that this relationship does not sound like it is really growing.
Best of luck, whichever way it goes!! I hope it turns around for you and if not, it leads you to a much better relationship!
I literally stopped at reading at cocaine. The fact you just didn't walk out and leave her there is incredible.
I wanted to make sure she'd be alright. At times, I can be a little too compassionate perhaps. But I felt that obligation at that moment.
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