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Sometimes they're not defending it though, redvelvet, but just trying to explain why they were doing that so that you can understand better. Yesterday I got mad at my friend for not signing and voicing at the same time when she was hanging out with me (I'm blind) and another friend (who's deaf). She explained that she couldn't do both at the same time, which hadn't occurred to me because I sign and voice simultaneously all the time. But she ended with saying she will try to accommodate both of us in the future by voicing for me and signing for our deaf friend. Maybe by your definition that's defending her behavior, but she did apologize, and said she would work on improving, so I don't see it as a defense. If there was no apology and no willingness to change that behavior, then I would. I think you have to see the reasoning in context before you can tell if it's being defensive.
It is hard to be aware of others above yourself. We are not wired to do so. In this, you are absolutely correct.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709
Awesome explanation. Thanks. I am just super frustrated today with the flack I seem to get on here. I try and hold folks to a higher standard. No one wants that.
You come off as super-preachy to people who don't believe the same as you. There is your explanation.
well, I see your point. But still, where is the accountability regarding discernment to begin with? Why lie at all? Why not just communicate in the beginning?
I never do that, so I still find it hard to try and put myself in that place to understand it in others.
I guess I am hyper-aware of my own feelings.
I get what you're saying. It's easy to judge people and hard to offer compassion. Have you really never lied in your whole life? Are you really that much better than the person you're annoyed with? Don't get me wrong--it is annoying and hurtful when people lie, but you have to realize there are things you do (even if it's not lying but something else) that people have to put up with. Sometimes people are trying to offer their reasons. Maybe they were scared to say the truth. Maybe they didn't want to hurt your feelings, or someone else's. Maybe they weren't ready to be honest with themselves. Who knows. It doesn't make it right but it helps you realize why they lied. Have you really never done something that someone else found offensive or hurtful? You've never in your life made any mistakes? You have to give people room for being human. They're not perfect and nor are you. Sometimes we mess up. Give them a little wiggle room, and give yourself a little wiggle room too. If they're admitting now that they lied, they're already a step in the right direction.
well, I see your point. But still, where is the accountability regarding discernment to begin with? Why lie at all? Why not just communicate in the beginning?
I never do that, so I still find it hard to try and put myself in that place to understand it in others.
I guess I am hyper-aware of my own feelings.
When that person is truly holding accountability for a mistake is when they are breaking the cycle or at least trying to. They make backslide but someone that admits to their mistakes and makes effort to change should be appreciated. The only thing you have to watch for is if they just SAY they are sorry and don't display it through exercising more positive behaviors. That could indicate a false apology was instead a manipulative move.
The tricky thing is during the changing process if someone hits a backslide their behavior can seem like a manipulative move but it may not always be the case. It doesn't make it ok or right. Its just part of the process that can go either way to show who the person really is. A true sociopath will always just tell you what you want to hear or use abusive language to justify negative behaviors and most likely will never change. There are those who just have sociopath tendencies that they can change/control if they choose to though.
Why is it that people seem to want to defend their bad choices? Why acknowledge that you have done a bad thing yet still defend that thing in the same breath?
Because rationalization is the most powerful force in the universe.
For most people, just about anything is easier than saying, "I was a complete, unredeemable dumb ass. I should be beaten with sticks for doing something that heinous."
That's why the simple apology is becoming a lost art, chiefly because people think that saying, "I'm sorry" without conditions is some form of weakness. Instead, the act of apologizing is a sign of inward strength because it shows that you are not just honest, but brave enough to admit wrongdoing and face the consequences.
The hell of it is, simply apologizing is probably the easiest way to defuse any situation. Instead, most people give half an apology, saying something like, "Well, I'm sorry for sleeping with your best friend, but you should have never said I look fat in that dress." People who do that look like untrustworthy idiots, people to whom ethical, responsible behavior is conditional.
Because rationalization is the most powerful force in the universe.
For most people, just about anything is easier than saying, "I was a complete, unredeemable dumb ass. I should be beaten with sticks for doing something that heinous."
That's why the simple apology is becoming a lost art, chiefly because people think that saying, "I'm sorry" without conditions is some form of weakness. Instead, the act of apologizing is a sign of inward strength because it shows that you are not just honest, but brave enough to admit wrongdoing and face the consequences.
The hell of it is, simply apologizing is probably the easiest way to defuse any situation. Instead, most people give half an apology, saying something like, "Well, I'm sorry for sleeping with your best friend, but you should have never said I look fat in that dress." People who do that look like untrustworthy idiots, people to whom ethical, responsible behavior is conditional.
Thanks. I will re-read these words again.
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Awww redvelvet is the victim. I'm guessing most of the people who've answered this thread aren't familiar with your posts.
