Mutual initial attraction - an idealized exception? (dating, boyfriend, long-term)
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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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In the real world, as everybody knows, attraction isn't always equal between two people who meet, date or are in a RS...usually one is more into it than the other, yet it's portrayed as if all the real love stories begin with two people violently head over heels for one another.
Roughly what percentage of relationships fit this criteria (meaning one loves the other one a lot more and has to work at making the attraction more equal)? Obviously attraction isn't totally fixed - it can develop as people get to know each other. Do you feel this is the most common situation? The idea of two people meeting for the first time, setting eyes on each other, and falling in love on first sight is, no doubt, not that realistic, although I'm sure it happens.
I mean given the number of 'unrequited loves' it seems most people also 'settle' to an extent.
It's confusing because as far as I know, none of the girls I've liked have shown any romantic interest in me: and I never expected them to. In most situation, is the onus on the man to 'woo' the women into liking him? Doesn't this conflict with the advice I've heard that women usually decide whether they like a guy within a few minutes of meeting him (to simplify things)?
Or is it better practice to seek out someone who likes you, and learn to like them/develop feelings for them? Seldom, it seems, do women like a guy they first meet - apart from in a superficial way, of course. So I guess it's a matter of trying until you find someone who can like you, or who you can develop attraction in.
I'm a bit confused here, to be honest, being a relationship virgin and all that.
In the real world, as everybody knows, attraction isn't always equal between two people who meet, date or are in a RS...usually one is more into it than the other, yet it's portrayed as if all the real love stories begin with two people violently head over heels for one another.
Roughly what percentage of relationships fit this criteria (meaning one loves the other one a lot more and has to work at making the attraction more equal)? Obviously attraction isn't totally fixed - it can develop as people get to know each other. Do you feel this is the most common situation? The idea of two people meeting for the first time, setting eyes on each other, and falling in love on first sight is, no doubt, not that realistic, although I'm sure it happens.
I mean given the number of 'unrequited loves' it seems most people also 'settle' to an extent.
It's confusing because as far as I know, none of the girls I've liked have shown any romantic interest in me: and I never expected them to. In most situation, is the onus on the man to 'woo' the women into liking him? Doesn't this conflict with the advice I've heard that women usually decide whether they like a guy within a few minutes of meeting him (to simplify things)?
Or is it better practice to seek out someone who likes you, and learn to like them/develop feelings for them? Seldom, it seems, do women like a guy they first meet - apart from in a superficial way, of course. So I guess it's a matter of trying until you find someone who can like you, or who you can develop attraction in.
I'm a bit confused here, to be honest, being a relationship virgin and all that.
I never felt head over heels for my husband when we were young. I thought he was cute, but I probably wouldn't have picked him out of a crowd. He pursued me and I got to know him. Suddenly he transformed into HOT. People tell me all the time how attractive he is and I agree whole heartedly agree. I'm not sure if it's the man underneath that makes him so attractive or his outward looks. I think it's both. The men I have actually felt compelled to drool over were neanderthals who though their poop didn't stink. I never would have dated them. Eye candy as they say....
Last edited by southshorelady; 05-03-2012 at 06:27 AM..
Reason: clarity
I've had several instances where there was attraction right at the start, on both sides. Then other situations where they liked me more, but I wasn't into them.
Then there was one where I kinda liked him, he was very into me, and the more I saw him, the better he looked and the more I liked him.
So there's no forumula on what works, what doesn't -- it's just life's little quirks.
No doubt, humans being primarily visually stimulated no matter what they are looking at - could be another person, art, clothing, anything, put a lot of stock into visual stimulation when looking at another person, but what one is attracted to visually another is not...is there a reason for that?
But, then again, initial attraction can be deeper than that at times and there is a sense of something beyond the physical and many call it instict, 6th sense, just a feeling. It can and does happen. It happened to me. He was washing his car, I went up to get quarters to do my laundry, I got out of my car and we kept looking at each other and I can say it was a sensation way more than physical, visual attraction. There was something electrifyling about the moment I can't say ever happened before and the relationship from that point on lasted 10 years. It doesn't mean we didn't work on it along the way or put no effort into it, we did, but it was somewhat effortless. Does it happen, yes, does it happen often - no.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,054,732 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007
No doubt, humans being primarily visually stimulated no matter what they are looking at - could be another person, art, clothing, anything, put a lot of stock into visual stimulation when looking at another person, but what one is attracted to visually another is not...is there a reason for that?
But, then again, initial attraction can be deeper than that at times and there is a sense of something beyond the physical and many call it instict, 6th sense, just a feeling. It can and does happen. It happened to me. He was washing his car, I went up to get quarters to do my laundry, I got out of my car and we kept looking at each other and I can say it was a sensation way more than physical, visual attraction. There was something electrifyling about the moment I can't say ever happened before and the relationship from that point on lasted 10 years. It doesn't mean we didn't work on it along the way or put no effort into it, we did, but it was somewhat effortless. Does it happen, yes, does it happen often - no.
I definitely believe that we can make those sort of connections, as you and others attest to. I've felt that even with girls who were plain, but then again maybe it was because they made up for it by being really nice/interesting. For me it's hard to know, since I 'crush' on girls quite easily. Due to my lack of experience, if I get talking with an attractive girl there's a chance I'll begin to start liking her.
The men I have actually felt compelled to drool over were neanderthals who though their poop didn't stink. I never would have dated them. Eye candy as they say....
Lol, this is exactly my experience. I seldom like really like someone the first time I meet him...all that takes time for me. But I can tell if I want to get to know someone better (ie, go on a date) within the first few minutes of talking with them.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,054,732 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snd485
Lol, this is exactly my experience. I seldom like really like someone the first time I meet him...all that takes time for me. But I can tell if I want to get to know someone better (ie, go on a date) within the first few minutes of talking with them.
There lies with the problem with online dating. If a woman sees your photo and profile, she may just dismiss you, whereas if you met face to face somewhere, something could develop.
I think it takes longer for women to become attracted, but when it hits them, it ends up stronger than the man's for a period of time. If the relationship lasts long-term it evens out I think.
When I met my husband we were in high school. We dated then broke up, then back together years later, etc.
Anyway, he was in my Chemistry class. I thought he was cute and all but I had a boyfriend, albeit nobody I was all that serious about. Future hubby and I did "click", and he was smitten with me IMMEDIATELY, I just found him sweet, funny, and geeky in a cute way, but only after I broke up with my boyfriend and spent more time with him (my future hubby) did I realize how amazing he was, and then we were inseperable.
I think it really just depends...like most things in life. I really don't believe in love at first sight. Lust at first site, yes, but not love. I think a lot of times things start off where one person likes the other more, but over time it should even out. You can't have a long lasting relationship where one person is head over heels and the other really doesn't care one way or the other.
There lies with the problem with online dating. If a woman sees your photo and profile, she may just dismiss you, whereas if you met face to face somewhere, something could develop.
Just like nightclubs were the meeting and dating mecca of the 70s, online dating has completely taken over the entire concept of meeting and dating people. We save ourselves for these specific instances such an an online date or the bar scene. We fail to see the opportunities of everyday situations. Coffee shops, standing in line for your cleaning or something boring and striking up chit chat. I've never dated anyone I met at a bar - I always met them in every day ordinary situations. Like I'd previously mentioned at the car wash. Too often we shut off our personal radar when Monday comes. Long term relationships are supported by mutual interests and there's nothing more mutual than being at the same place at the same time at any time of day and yet we are some how programmed to dismiss it or not even see it. I've had luck at the car wash, the grocery store, being snowed in at an airport ...anywhere than when you are 'prepared' to meet someone.
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