Does he have a right to know?

[nimchimpsky]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

Thank you. I want to say I'm repulsed when I see it but repulsed isn't a strong enough word.

This is exactly what mental health professionals call "triggered". It's beyond repulsed--it's feels like you're back in the abusive situation, sometimes you might even have body memories. If I hear certain words/smell certain smells I feel like I'm being raped all over again. Is that what you're experiencing?

[nimchimpsky]

I forgot to answer your question--yes you should tell him. In fact, you need to tell him if you want your relationship to be successful. It's so that they can have the chance to understand you might become completely anxious/angry and realize it's not about them.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

We did talk and it started out very rough (coming from him) but ended up well. But all I've had time to do is think. I'm not done thinking yet. But I'm tired of thinking about it. And I've been waking up every morning about 4am with the most horrible headache. Coincidence? I think not.

I agree with nimchimpsky, this is raising the trauma for you all over again. I'd get into trauma therapy, but I'd continue talking to your guy about it. He should be supportive, hopefully not dismissive.

[PassTheChocolate]

I haven't read all the responses so if I missed anything, I apologize.

I am so sorry you had such a horrible experience. It's clearly still affecting you and that has to be tough. I hope can find a way to get past it sooner than later. Not that you will ever be "over" it, but be able to deal with it in healthier ways. But you have valid reason to be angry.

I don't know your guy or all the ins and outs of your relationship. However, staring/admiring/oogling other women is just plain disrespectful. Doing the same with under aged women is unacceptable. He admires beauty, well, a lot of people do. I do. I admire it in both women and men. But I don't snap my neck as a matter of respect for the man I am with, as well as the person I find attractive. Using that as a blanket excuse to stare at women, under aged or not, is just that, an excuse. The idea that he is not concerned with how inappropriate it is or how disrespectful it is speaks, in my opinion, to a lack of self control. And I would be concerned about that.

[Klassyhk]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

My guy is a looker. That is, he likes to look. Not that he's so great looking. LOL He says he just likes to look at beautiful people. He even comments on great looking men and he's 100% hetero.

He's also a huge flirt who does so by trying to make everyone laugh. He even flirts with the women in the assisted living homes. LOL I almost never say anything when he does look. Except. Yes, I have this... problem. All I want to know is does, he have the right to know the truth? Not looking for rudeness or personal attacks and if you don't read the whole post, please don't reply. If it starts becoming too personal, mods, please close it. This is a very sensitive topic for me.

Long story as short as possible...

The only time I get upset at his looking is when he's looking at girls who look 16, 17, because most of them are even younger than they appear, esp these days.

We got into a horrendous fight (that's a huge understatement but in the interest of long story short...) and it's lasted over a month. I flipped on him for checking out this girl who looked 16, max. I tried not to say anything but inside I was raging and ended up blowing up over it. Wrong way to handle it, I know. I get it. But I always rage inside like that when I see an old(er) man check out girls that young and I attribute it to an old(er) man raping me as a teen. When I see these old farts looking at these children as more than the children they are, I feel an almost uncontrollable rage.

I let my guy think I was angry because I'm jealous as I don't want him thinking I think he's a pervert. I know he's not. He just appreciates beautiful women. His looking at 20-somethings to our age and even older doesn't phase me. But he seems to have no ability to tell ages in males or females.

I was told by someone close to me I was wrong for not telling him why I became so angry. He already knows I was raped at a young age but he doesn't know about my (over?) protectiveness of teens.

We nearly broke up yesterday over it because he said he can't get over what I said to him about him checking her out. I said, I can't compete with that when I was really thinking it turns my stomach to see someone as old as you look at a child's ass like that.

We're back on track--but treading lightly, do I go to him with the truth or let it go?

That's why I'm against spouses, partners, or SO looking (lusting) at the opposite gender ESPECIALLY when with your mate. No good can come out of this. In fact, it's usually bad things come out of this. It's extremely disrespectful to your mate. It provokes jealousy, low-self esteem, and humiliation. I understand that a lot of time an attractive person catches your eye involuntarily. It's like you didn't even know your eye was going to land on them, lol. It happens to me and I'm a woman. However, a person can quickly gain control of their eyes by just peeling them away from the good looking person.


Whyte Byrd, I'm very sorry to hear about your rape as a teen. However, if you hadn't been raped, I still wouldn't think you should consider SO's rubbernecking other good-looking females when he's with you as cute or harmless. It's neither.


Another thing to consider is that an attractive person comes in all ages. They can be 14 or 41 or even 61. So men are not going to constrict their looking based on the age of the girl or woman if they find her attractive. That's not going to happen and that is something that we women find painful the older our age gets away form being considered as "young". But don't look at it as having to compete with a young woman because that is where the problem comes in. If the goal is youth and older woman can never "compete" with that. But if the goal is "you" being uniquely you then a YOUNG or OLDER woman can never compete with that. The issue is that disrespect of a rubber-necking SO should be unacceptable. He isn't joined to you as a Siamese twin 24 hours 7 days a week so he has plenty of time to enjoy the site of beautiful young or older women. But when he's with you, he has to exercise self-control. Either that, or you accept that you will be humilitatedly standing with him as he soaks up with his eyes every beautiful face, breasts, butt, or legs that pass by. Deal with it now.

[Opsimathia]

While it may trigger that reminder...his behavior is absolutely unacceptable.

I want to say something raw but won't because of where you are at OP.

I had this type of conversation with the s.o. before it ever even happened. That is just flat out disrespectful and when it goes to teen girls extremely creepy. You don't have to put up with it and shouldn't. But maybe this person came into your life to show you that you need a bit of inner demon work to do still. Perhaps that is his purpose. I would focus on yourself right now. Maybe you need to be with someone more sensitive who exhibits better self control in the future. I personally would not stay with a man that oogled teen girls regardless of my past.