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Back in 2001, I thought he was being a gentleman, and that he was waiting until we were very serious to try anything physical.
I didn't want to try making the first move this time around, because I wanted to be sure of where we stood with each other. I wanted us to agree that we were bf/gf before anything romantic happened. Also I wasn't sure if he didn't try anything due to anxiety about his ED.
That throws a new light on it. Maybe that should have been mentioned in the orig, post as it's a pretty big factor...
He most likely does not want to burden a woman who has a potentially normal sex drive with his inabilities. So he begs off. He does the classic push/pull scenario based on his own real need for care and love in this world. I have SEEN men do this before. They want love. they want attention. they want closeness. However, they know they may not be everything another needs, so they get close then run away. And continue throughout a time until a whistle is blown.
I'm staying away from him because that's what he wants, but this situation makes me sad. Everytime I get feelings for him, he disappears.
^^^ This!!
There is nothing "confusing" about his behavior. You two never dated. You were just good friends.
He never made any attempts to be intimate with you, nor said " I love you" or made plans to be together.
In fact he was dating other woman and married her.
So, no reason to be "shocked" or seeking confrontation. You two could be friends forever, but since you told him about your feelings and desires, he just stopped seeing and talking to you. Obviously he doesn't want to be romantically involved with you. He is not playing games or sending mixing signals. You two just had completely different ideas about this friendship.
Stop calling him, and preserve your dignity...
I've had a similar experience. I was very close friend with this guy and we would talk about everything under the sun almost every day since the day we met. It really felt like, at times, that we belong together. But at the end of the day, nothing came out of it. There is no good reason for why nothing happened.
I've had a similar experience. I was very close friend with this guy and we would talk about everything under the sun almost every day since the day we met. It really felt like, at times, that we belong together. But at the end of the day, nothing came out of it. There is no good reason for why nothing happened.
I wish I could get into the head of every man who does this and find out exactly why! I have my assumptions, but there seem to be a lot of them doing this to different women.
You want a woman or you don't want a woman. I am not ambivalent about men...I am clearly interested or I am clearly not.
since you told him about your feelings and desires, he just stopped seeing and talking to you. Obviously he doesn't want to be romantically involved with you. He is not playing games or sending mixing signals. You two just had completely different ideas about this friendship.
My feelings weren't one sided.
When I told him how I had felt about him in 2001, he told me that he had really cared for me too, and wanted more. But he didn't think I was interested because I wasn't more emotionally open with him. He thought that if I was really interested in a romantic relationship I would have shown that by being more emotionally vulnerable with him.
I would have thought if he really cared about me, he would have pursued me more aggressively.
When I told him how I had felt about him in 2001, he told me that he had really cared for me too, and wanted more. But he didn't think I was interested because I wasn't more emotionally open with him. He thought that if I was really interested in a romantic relationship I would have shown that by being more emotionally vulnerable with him.
I would have thought if he really cared about me, he would have pursued me more aggressively.
Men should be the ones to pursue in a direct manner. Don't let him put that all on you. He is deflecting his lack of action back on you, and you are falling for it.
When I told him how I had felt about him in 2001, he told me that he had really cared for me too, and wanted more. But he didn't think I was interested because I wasn't more emotionally open with him. He thought that if I was really interested in a romantic relationship I would have shown that by being more emotionally vulnerable with him.
I would have thought if he really cared about me, he would have pursued me more aggressively.
Dude has "issues" preventing him from being more aggressive.
He's very mature, responsible, kind and affectionate. Just a great guy. You don't meet people who are so nice like him everyday.
That's why this behavior is so baffling. It's just so out of synch with the rest of his personality. He seems like he's emotionally healthy. (Apparently not.) Why would he lead me on if he's not really into me?
He's very mature, responsible, kind and affectionate. Just a great guy. You don't meet people who are so nice like him everyday.
That's why this behavior is so baffling. It's just so out of synch with the rest of his personality. He seems like he's emotionally healthy. (Apparently not.) Why would he lead me on if he's not really into me?
Could be any number of reasons, and you know him, we don't - so you tell us
He could have been very sincere in his interest, but sabbotoged the relationship out of embarrassment over the ED.
Or, his ego and self-esteem could have taken such a hit over the ED that he doesn't think any woman would want him.
Or, he could be emotionally crippled due to other issues and just not able to make himself move forward like a man does when he sees something he wants.
Or, he could be feeling "old" and that he doesn't deserve to be loved (a self-esteem thing again).
Oh, he could be a sociopath who enjoys playing with peoples emotions.
There's a man that I've known for eleven years that I'm having a hard time figuring out.
We met in 2001 and clicked right away as friends. We spoke on the phone periodically, and then started going out every weekend. At first we went out with friends that we had in common. But soon enough, we started going out alone. He'd pick me up at home, and we'd go to very posh restaurants, concerts, movies, go for long walks during which he'd put his arms around my shoulders, and we'd tell each other about our lives and discuss our life goals.
After about 4-5 months of talking on the phone a couple of times a week, and going out once or twice a week, one day one of my friends called to tell me that he had shown up at my church with another woman. I hadn't gone to church that day, so I didn't see them. There was no reason for him to be at my church since he didn't attend any particular church, and just went to whichever church he wanted to on Sundays. My friend said that they were behaving kind of affectionately toward one another.
I was shocked and called one of our mutual friends about this. She admitted that she had known that he was seeing this other woman, but she didn't know any details. I couldn't believe that he would so cavalierly take another woman to my territory (my church), knowing that he could run into me there. So I called him and asked what was going on. He seemed surprised and nonchalantly told me how he'd met this woman and that he was dating her. I was very upset and told him that I thought we were dating exclusively. He was shocked that I had that impression because we had never talked about dating romantically, and that he thought we were just friends. I was so angry that I told him off and told him I never wanted to speak to him again.
Fastforward to November 2010. We unexpectedly ran into each other. We're each going through a divorce. He married the woman that he had taken to my church, and after 4 years of marriage, she wound up cheating on him, taking his money, and filing for a divorce.
So we renewed our friendship and were very supportive toward one another since we're both having emotional ups and downs from our divorces. There was nothing romantic at all--just friends. In early 2011 we're both officially divorced. To make a long story short, we spend a lot of time talking as friends--and it was great.
Then, in Feb. 2011 he lost both his parents, to whom he was very close. I was there for him throughout the entire ordeal. He started seeing a therapist, and was doing well with dealing with the upheaval in his life.
By Christmas 2011, we started talking about our feelings for one another and why we never got together romantically. He said that back in 2001, he didn't think I was interested in him that way because I wasn't that open about myself. (From my perspective, I had been very open with him.) Anyway, we were very honest with each other about our feelings and admitted that we really cared about one another.
In early 2012 we spoke on the phone once to wish each other a happy new year, and I never heard from him again.
I've called him 4 or 5 times since January, but he hasn't returned any of my calls. At first I thought he might've been sick, which is why I kept calling. Then I thought he was dead. However, calls came from his cell number twice, but he left no messages--seems like he accidentally pushed the button for my number. Also, recently I saw him at a distance as I was driving, so I know he's not dead.
This man is 51 years old. We've discussed that the time for playing games is over, so I am confused by his mixed signals. I'm staying away from him because that's what he wants, but this situation makes me sad. Everytime I get feelings for him, he disappears.
What do you think of his behavior?
From what I did actually read of this novella I think you are betting on a dead horse. Get over it and move on or leave things as they are and continue to be disappointed. Your choice.
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