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I think the hardest part of hearing my doctor telling me I shouldn't talk about my health was my family agreeing with him to the point of not wanting to talk about it to this day. Whenever I bring it up, my mom gets defensive (almost like I'm blaming her) and shuts down the convo. right away... not to mention that a whopping 0 of our relatives know about it (not even the ones that have the same disease!).
I'm fine talking about it some extent with my close, close, CLOSE friends. But the idea of talking about it with a potential mate, still scares me.
I'm actually somewhat worried that it may be difficult to find someone within my own age range that a).is willing to look beyond my health, b).wouldn't mind settling down in the next couple years, and c).may be open to adopt or assisted fertility. From the dating horror stories I've heard from friends, it's tough to find a good match.
You know what your biggest problem is?
Fear.
Probably your family had A LOT to do with that so I would not go there with them, it's not helpful.
I would find a support group for your condition. Honestly people live with all sorts of medical issues, every day...you won't be alone with this.
Probably your family had A LOT to do with that so I would not go there with them, it's not helpful.
I would find a support group for your condition. Honestly people live with all sorts of medical issues, every day...you won't be alone with this.
I agree with you... Fear has prevented me from being in a relationship so far and worries me in my future relationships. I'm still trying to put myself out there and be willing to crash and burn in a relationship, but it's easier said than done. My hearts ready for a relationship... I'm not sure my brain is.
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Originally Posted by L'Artiste
Love and other drugs
Funny you mention the movie.... It's what sparked me to reconsider my current happiness and lack of relationships. Most of what Anne said in the movie has been said or thought of by me in relation to life and live. Sure they ended up happy... But I'm skeptical of such a Disney-relationship-story ending .
Location: where people are either too stupid to leave or too stuck to move
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotAvailable
I agree with you... Fear has prevented me from being in a relationship so far and worries me in my future relationships. I'm still trying to put myself out there and be willing to crash and burn in a relationship, but it's easier said than done. My hearts ready for a relationship... I'm not sure my brain is.
Funny you mention the movie.... It's what sparked me to reconsider my current happiness and lack of relationships. Most of what Anne said in the movie has been said or thought of by me in relation to life and live. Sure they ended up happy... But I'm skeptical of such a Disney-relationship-story ending .
maybe you could find someone else with the same life expectancy?
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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I agree, I wouldn't fret too much about telling them unless it's a LTR and marriage is in the picture, but it's totally up to you. If you want to be honest about it, more power to you. Maybe, they will find a cure, I mean medicine is advancing at a rapid rate who knows they might find a cure in 10 years? It must be tough for you, but I think everybody deserves love. Don't be afraid to get out there and love and be loved, don't worry about it until it starts getting serious.
I think you should not wait too long before you tell someone. It is only fair to them that they know. I think when you become sexually involved in a good time. If someone really cares about you or loves you they will stick by your side. If they don't, then you don't need someone like that in your life anyway. You need to put yourself out there and experience the world and enjoy as full a life as you can.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,190,315 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotAvailable
Thank you for all of the great replies so far; many of you are understanding the stickiness of the situation. Upon reading your posts... I do think what bothers me the most is the idea of someone else judging me on something I can't control. I think I deserve the same happiness that a 'healthy' person can have; I certainly am tired of hiding behind school, work, or my fears.
I was told by my family and my doctor to keep my disease a secret. If my workplace found out, I might be a liability in the future or tarnish the chances of getting a job. If my friends/classmates/teachers found out, I would notice a difference in how they treated me, with some people refusing to have anything to do with me because I'm not 'normal'. And finally, I was warned to not tell future boyfriends because it may end any chance of furthering our relationship. I agree with some of what I've been taught; however I feel like disclosing this information to a guy I may get serious with is important. The hard part for me is to figure out when a relationship is getting serious, when would be the right time to bring it up, and what should I do they immediately end the relationship?
Yes, I know I want children; however I'm not completely sure I want to physically have children. I'm very open to adoption at this point. Because I'm still wavering on having my own children, I don't want to advertise that I don't want kids or can't have them without a lot of time and money to do assisted fertility. I want everything to still be an option at this point, because I'm not sure what kind of guy is out there
Wow, I never thought of it that way. In my situation, that's actually a great way for me to cope with the possibility that I may get turned down upon finding out about my health. I'm somewhat OK with being turned down based on looks, intelligence, or just not connecting with someone, but I am still afraid to be turned down based on something I cannot control. That's a great quote to remember! Thank you!
How can you tell if a relationship is getting serious? Like what if it takes 6 months to a year to get serious? If I waited to tell the guy after a year, it feels like it may be too long of a time. I want to tell the guy I may be with but I don't want that to be the deciding factor on whether or not he should be with me.
You see, the idea of 'witholding it from your BF' in case it ends any chance of furthering the RS is not the way to go about it. If it bothers him, it's WAYYY better you tell him early. The thing is, you don't HAVE to tell, you're not obligated to, but it depends wholly on how SERIOUS you want the RS to be, and how serious it pans out, you know. I mean, sure, you could keep the secret until you were in your 40s. I'm not sure how the disease works, whether you gradually get worse from this point on or it rapidly attacks you in your late 40s. You could always hope they come up with a cure or something. It's a tough one, I can't really tell you what or what not to do, you have to do what you feel is right.
I think the hardest part of hearing my doctor telling me I shouldn't talk about my health was my family agreeing with him to the point of not wanting to talk about it to this day. Whenever I bring it up, my mom gets defensive (almost like I'm blaming her) and shuts down the convo. right away... not to mention that a whopping 0 of our relatives know about it (not even the ones that have the same disease!).
I'm fine talking about it some extent with my close, close, CLOSE friends. But the idea of talking about it with a potential mate, still scares me.
I'm actually somewhat worried that it may be difficult to find someone within my own age range that a).is willing to look beyond my health, b).wouldn't mind settling down in the next couple years, and c).may be open to adopt or assisted fertility. From the dating horror stories I've heard from friends, it's tough to find a good match.
Where are you from? I just don't get this obsessive secrecy. You're being deprived of a true support system. I know a woman in her late 20s with MS - EVERYONE knows about it, even though she's largely symptom free. It doesn't change how we treat her - actually, she's a very impressive athlete - and we all know what the likely outcome will be. I'm not close to her (she's a friend of a friend), but she has a strong group of friends and a husband who have every intention of sticking by her should she fall ill. Right now, there's just a lot of support for her as she does fundraisers and such for her disease. Lots of MS bike rides and such.
For the time being, she's healthy and she's making the most out of that. But she's got a wide circle of people who love her and support her, know about her disease and are emotionally preparing themselves for the time when she will need something more than the occasional pat on the back and an ear to listen. And in the meantime, she's tearing through life with the intention of sucking as much fun and joy out of it as she can.
You don't have to tell your employers, but this idea that you have a terrible secret is so, so, so wrong. There are so many people who would not let this bother them at all.
I really think you should see a therapist - NOT because there is anything wrong with you. But because you need strategies on how to cope with your family and how to live your life without worrying about how other people react to your bad genetic luck. Perhaps a support group related to your disease might be beneficial as well.
But you will not become a leper, and right now you are missing out on building up a support system for when you truly need it. I'm not saying you should make friends with the intention of exploiting them later on, but right now, it sounds like you're going in the opposite direction and keeping people at a distance, so you're not building up a normal network of friends.
Please reconsider your family's attitude entirely. When you're keeping your disease a secret from your other relatives that have the same problem, there is seriously something wrong.
I apologize if this post was in any way presumptuous.
Thank you again for the feedback so far! I agree that waiting until it's on the road to getting serious is perhaps the best time to shed light on the situation; although not waiting too, too late. I'm just trying to build myself up for the possibility of killing every relationship due to my health. But like many of you smart people have said, if he doesn't stick around- he's not worth it I just wonder if guys in the their 20s actually seriously think about their future. I don't mean it to sound rude, but I know I rarely thought about my later future when I left high school and beyond. Because of my situation, I will need to discuss the possibility of having kids, adoption, how I would like to spend my early retirement, how my health will be dependent on others, etc. Do guys seriously think ahead about this kind of stuff in their 20s?
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Originally Posted by Info Guy
How does the OP look like? Ethnicity?
Well I'm not a stunning beauty LOL
Just average which is fine by me! As far as my ethnicity... mainly German, Scottish, and Irish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L'Artiste
maybe you could find someone else with the same life expectancy?
I actually considered this, but I have literally never met someone who has it. I've been tempted to go to support groups (there's only 1 about an hour away that meets every other month) but not to pick up guys The problem is that many others are hiding their disease too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
I just don't get this obsessive secrecy. You're being deprived of a true support system. I know a woman in her late 20s with MS - EVERYONE knows about it, even though she's largely symptom free. It doesn't change how we treat her - actually, she's a very impressive athlete - and we all know what the likely outcome will be. I'm not close to her (she's a friend of a friend), but she has a strong group of friends and a husband who have every intention of sticking by her should she fall ill. Right now, there's just a lot of support for her as she does fundraisers and such for her disease. Lots of MS bike rides and such. You don't have to tell your employers, but this idea that you have a terrible secret is so, so, so wrong. There are so many people who would not let this bother them at all. I really think you should see a therapist - NOT because there is anything wrong with you. But because you need strategies on how to cope with your family and how to live your life without worrying about how other people react to your bad genetic luck. Perhaps a support group related to your disease might be beneficial as well.....Please reconsider your family's attitude entirely. When you're keeping your disease a secret from your other relatives that have the same problem, there is seriously something wrong.
The secrecy comes from a combination of my family and my doctor. Many people in my family also have the disease and they decide long ago to keep it a secret. I have brought up the idea that I wouldn't mind telling close friends or even going to support groups or trying to raise money for the cause, and I was shut down immediately. If I were to tell people I know, it may trickle down and others may realize that someone else in my family would have to have the disease too (a parent, aunt/uncle, grandparent, siblings, etc.). Since they want to keep it a secret, I feel like I don't have a choice.
I agree with you that I do need to speak with a therapist! I actually asked to meet with one when I just found out and was struggling with motivation to continue school and my future career; however we didn't have the money to afford it (or so my parents tell me). I still consider going, but I'm weary about rehashing my rough past.
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I just wonder if guys in the their 20s actually seriously think about their future. I don't mean it to sound rude, but I know I rarely thought about my later future when I left high school and beyond. Because of my situation, I will need to discuss the possibility of having kids, adoption, how I would like to spend my early retirement, how my health will be dependent on others, etc. Do guys seriously think ahead about this kind of stuff in their 20s?
The problem is that many others are hiding their disease too.
