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Well it's official, I'm almost in my mid-20s, have a successful career, and have never, EVER gone on a date or had a serious boyfriend.
I always told myself in my later high school years and throughout college that I want to stay focused on my school work and finding jobs rather than looking for a boyfriend. I have had plenty of crushes and been interested in plenty of men, but I have always told myself that I don't want to burden someone with my problems. In college I convinced myself that "I don't have time for a boyfriend" but now that many of my current grown-up goals in life are stable, I am the only one holding myself back.
When I was around 16-17 years old I found out that I inherited a neurodegenerative disease that would dramatically shorten my lifespan and most probably be passed on to my children, if I ever have them. Since I found out I have this disease, I have been too terrified to date!
What I fear most is that as soon as I get too close to a guy, I'll have to tell them about my disease and therefore be pressuring them to decide whether or not they want to stick with someone that may pass away as early as their late 40s or 50s and may feel pressured or obligated to take care of me when I no longer have control of my body movements. Not the mention that if we ever decided to have children, the long process of assisted fertility to ensure that my children never, ever have this disease.
Even now when I see someone I like or connect with, I think to myself, they don't need all this drama in their lives! They'll find someone healthy to be happy with. I think in some way I am protecting myself from a guy who finds out I have health problems and breaks up with me as soon as I tell him.
Sorry for the long post. I've been wanting to get some suggestions or ideas as to how I could go about dating without constantly worrying about telling the other person about my condition. When is the right time? Are men (or women if you're reading this) willing to look past my disease and enjoy the relationship we have now?
I would think you would be anxious to have a full life! I know people living with type 1 diabetes that have loving supportive spouses and children. They won't live as long as others, the end might not be pretty but...
"better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
That said, be honest with the guys you are interested in. Don't be all doom and gloom just honest. Everyone who commits to a life long partnership and makes it through the hard part (learning how to treat eachother well) will have to deal with taking care of that person when their health deteriorates or being cared for. It's not much different. You are still young and I doubt the guys you meet will be able to see that far ahead for it to matter right now.
Finding someone and loving them through whatever issues they come up having is hard enough! Go easy on yourself.
Ok I had a friend who was drop dead gorgeous but also happened to have MS.
She coped amazingly well with it and never told anyone, as it was no ones business but her own. Same with you.
The easiest and best way to deal with a lot of these issues is to put them aside.
Over and over people post on here what they perceive as their social/confidence failings.
My advice to all of you is simple - stop looking inward, start looking outward.
Once you stop dwelling on your own condition, you realise that MOST people have something they have to deal with. Popular people constantly look outward. Unpopular people constantly look inward.
Put your issues on a back burner. The only person whose future you have to worry about is your own. So what if you are going to become ill tomorrow! Cross that bridge when you come to it...none of us has ANY guarantee that we wont go under a bus and become quadraplegic, yet still we manage to date and marry!
So when would be an appropriate length of time to bring it up? That's the part I dread most :/
You are not obligated really. But I would say it might come up around the time someone is meeting your family. Just a suggestion. You could wait until there is some discussion of marriage or a long future together. Or you may find someone who is close like a friend such that it just comes out because you were thinking of it, got scared, and wanted some comfort. I would hope he would act accordingly and then deal with his own fears as they came.
The moment you decide to start having sex with them..
Why? well the obvious chance of replicating an issue you are bringing in. He has the right to know what type of troubled genes he's helping produce if you should become pregnant. I personally wouldnt want to do it with a person who does but maybe someone else wouldnt care. the point is, he deserves to know those risks. its not just about your privacy anymore, its about risk youre both taking.
You're only in your mid 20s, so don't worry too much about the future in a relationship. Just date and be a little relaxed , don't worry about the future at all. When that talk and the serious stuff comes up then you can talk and go from there, until then.. it's just your own business.
I would actually only bring it up if it becomes obvious things are getting more serious, or you decide you want this guy in your life permanently.
My friend only ever told her very close girlfriends and her fiance. It just wasn't worth bothering about with regular boyfriends...she didn't let it define her, or stop her from doing a damn thing.
And neither should you.
Remember, your medical history is one of the few areas which is allowed to be private, in this day and age. You don't owe anyone anything.
The moment you decide to start having sex with them..
Why? well the obvious chance of replicating an issue you are bringing in. He has the right to know what type of troubled genes he's helping produce if you should become pregnant. I personally wouldnt want to do it with a person who does but maybe someone else wouldnt care. the point is, he deserves to know those risks. its not just about your privacy anymore, its about risk youre both taking.
This is just ridiculous.
Why should she tell anyone unless shes PLANNING on having their baby?
Babies are born EVERY SINGLE DAY with health problems.
EVERYONE is responsible for their own reproduction, MEN INCLUDED.
Even if she was in perfect health, he would still be risking -
1. having to pay for a baby he didn't want
2. having to pay medical for a baby he didn't want
3. having to be tied forever to a woman he didn't want.
and they BOTH would be risking having a baby with medical problems, inherited or not. It's the roll of the dice.
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