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the header of this isn't really the whole story but i will try and recap as briefly as possible.
i live in a house with a bunch of other people, including a couple. i am a female, btw. the couple is made up of x and y (female and male respectively). x was a former roommate of mine and someone i thought highly of. they had only been living here together for a month or so when the boyfriend, y, started sending me suspect texts. if i was on the porch and left, he would text and say, "where did you go?" that turned into, "at least i got to see you for a minute", til one night about a week later it went all the way to "i would throw all this away for you".
that really really messed with my head. i am not a femme fatale. i do not seek that sort of attention, and just got out of a long term messed up relationship. i was not leading anyone on. we never had any sort of physical contact. it felt like incest. i thought of him as a brother, and she as a sister. i felt like he was putting me in an immoral position.
i was willing to just blow it all off on his drunkeness- he drinks almost every night, and it would be fair to say that he could have been blacking out. but then the next day or so later i find out from a mutual friend that y had lost his last girlfriend because he would "get drunk and hit on all her friends". when i heard that, i knew it was more serious. i waited a day because i was frankly so upset that i had to take a breath and make sure that i was doing the right thing. but i told x the whole thing. i did not want her to get hurt by this person. i really thought alot of her and i wanted her to be taken care of. i didn't want her to have to go through that over and over again.
she really seemed thankful, saying i was a true friend, that she was sorry i had had to go through that, and so on. i went on vacation with my family for a week and came back and thought, ok, they are still together, everything seems fine, lets forget all this.
til i found out from someone how upset she turned out to be when she found out i wasn't moving out in august like i thought. "devastated" was the word he used actually.
now i don't hang out with anyone anymore, and feel like a pariah. and i don't understand why. these past couple weeks are just getting worse and worse. neither one of them are openly rude to me, but i can feel it. its a freeze out. as if they have decided amongst themselves that I am the problem and despite the fact that i have no money and no where else to go, i am being pushed out. its lots of little things, and an air of disdain. but its plenty enough to break my heart.
i don't understand women. i really don't. and i am one. obviously she knows that how she feels isn't correct or else she would just come out and say it. so i get fake niceness or nothing at all, and that hurts alot worse somehow. at least if she came right out with it, i could make her see my position and how much i tried to be a friend to her. to have her begrudge the very roof over my head is a mindf&^*er of massive proportions.
should i confront her? or just keep getting ground down by the situation til i leave? i don't want a big blow up. but it just hurts more every day. i don't mean to be disrespectful to victims of incest but i imagine its a glimmer of the same sort of feelings- feeling like someone is looking at you as if you are some sort of **** when you weren't even thinking of those things and now you are getting blamed for someone else's out of control behavior. what do you do?
There are several options for what is happening here:
1) The boyfriend lied about sending you texts. He made up some sordid story about how you tried to steal him away and how you were trying to break up his and her relationship. Because she cares for this man and doesn't want to be the fool who cares for someone who is just using her, it was easier for her to believe him. Because of this, you have become the enemy.
2) She knows that the boyfriend is more attracted to you than her. Every time she sees you, it's a reminder of her own inadequacies. Nobody wants that. If every time we see someone, we feel bad, we stop wanting to see that person. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but we can't logic our way in to feeling something different.
You did the right thing, but in cases of relationships, nobody is ever truly grateful for bad news. Perhaps she'll come around some day, but the wounds are too fresh and in the case of her relationship, they're ripped open anew every time her boyfriend is less than perfect.
the header of this isn't really the whole story but i will try and recap as briefly as possible.
i live in a house with a bunch of other people, including a couple. i am a female, btw. the couple is made up of x and y (female and male respectively). x was a former roommate of mine and someone i thought highly of. they had only been living here together for a month or so when the boyfriend, y, started sending me suspect texts. if i was on the porch and left, he would text and say, "where did you go?" that turned into, "at least i got to see you for a minute", til one night about a week later it went all the way to "i would throw all this away for you".
that really really messed with my head. i am not a femme fatale. i do not seek that sort of attention, and just got out of a long term messed up relationship. i was not leading anyone on. we never had any sort of physical contact. it felt like incest. i thought of him as a brother, and she as a sister. i felt like he was putting me in an immoral position.
i was willing to just blow it all off on his drunkeness- he drinks almost every night, and it would be fair to say that he could have been blacking out. but then the next day or so later i find out from a mutual friend that y had lost his last girlfriend because he would "get drunk and hit on all her friends". when i heard that, i knew it was more serious. i waited a day because i was frankly so upset that i had to take a breath and make sure that i was doing the right thing. but i told x the whole thing. i did not want her to get hurt by this person. i really thought alot of her and i wanted her to be taken care of. i didn't want her to have to go through that over and over again.
she really seemed thankful, saying i was a true friend, that she was sorry i had had to go through that, and so on. i went on vacation with my family for a week and came back and thought, ok, they are still together, everything seems fine, lets forget all this.
til i found out from someone how upset she turned out to be when she found out i wasn't moving out in august like i thought. "devastated" was the word he used actually.
now i don't hang out with anyone anymore, and feel like a pariah. and i don't understand why. these past couple weeks are just getting worse and worse. neither one of them are openly rude to me, but i can feel it. its a freeze out. as if they have decided amongst themselves that I am the problem and despite the fact that i have no money and no where else to go, i am being pushed out. its lots of little things, and an air of disdain. but its plenty enough to break my heart.
i don't understand women. i really don't. and i am one. obviously she knows that how she feels isn't correct or else she would just come out and say it. so i get fake niceness or nothing at all, and that hurts alot worse somehow. at least if she came right out with it, i could make her see my position and how much i tried to be a friend to her. to have her begrudge the very roof over my head is a mindf&^*er of massive proportions.
should i confront her? or just keep getting ground down by the situation til i leave? i don't want a big blow up. but it just hurts more every day. i don't mean to be disrespectful to victims of incest but i imagine its a glimmer of the same sort of feelings- feeling like someone is looking at you as if you are some sort of **** when you weren't even thinking of those things and now you are getting blamed for someone else's out of control behavior. what do you do?
Oh screw em.
These people all deserve each other and you need to stop being such a drama queen (I know, you're young).
If I were you I'd try to get out sooner rather than later, or just hang in your room and pretend they're not there.
Ostracising is bullying and its all because of one loser male. It's cruel and it means they are not your friends. Forget em all, you don't need em.
This will happen, in different forms, all your life, because this is the way people are. There are very, very few people who act like mature adults, no matter how old they get. They always want to blame someone else for the chit that is happening in their lives, in this case it suits everyone to blame you for this idiot's behaviour (and I have NO DOUBT you tacitly encouraged him by replying to his sms and enjoying his attention btw).
Stop acting all hurt and victimised, unfair chit happens, you contributed to some of it anyway, people are deluded, you better get used to it, it's called "life".
Try to calm down and just ignore these people, you don't owe them anything, apologies, explanations, nothing. Just look after number one and forget them. And don't let weasels sms you.
These people all deserve each other and you need to stop being such a drama queen (I know, you're young).
If I were you I'd try to get out sooner rather than later, or just hang in your room and pretend they're not there.
Ostracising is bullying and its all because of one loser male. It's cruel and it means they are not your friends. Forget em all, you don't need em.
This will happen, in different forms, all your life, because this is the way people are. There are very, very few people who act like mature adults, no matter how old they get. They always want to blame someone else for the chit that is happening in their lives, in this case it suits everyone to blame you for this idiot's behaviour (and I have NO DOUBT you tacitly encouraged him by replying to his sms and enjoying his attention btw).
Stop acting all hurt and victimised, unfair chit happens, you contributed to some of it anyway, people are deluded, you better get used to it, it's called "life".
Try to calm down and just ignore these people, you don't owe them anything, apologies, explanations, nothing. Just look after number one and forget them. And don't let weasels sms you.
i appreciate your advice, such as it is, but i am almost 40. i live in an artists' residency. i don't think i am being a drama queen. i am not a child. and i NEVER, not once, responded to ANY Of his texts unless it was the innocent ones, like, "we're going to the store, do you need anything". because i don't have a car roommates will ask these things. i don't dress provocatively. i NEVER said anything to him that was anything less than innocent. i am very, very sensitive to other people and didn't want x to be hurt or feel left out. i never canoodled with him in private. i don't even wear makeup half the time and when i started feeling something was weird, i backed off, stopped hanging out with him. he NEVER said anything to my face, only sent texts. when he would send me something questionable, i would ignore it. and when i realized it was a real problem i didn't sit on it and wait. i went to her as soon as i was able and told her everything. i think the most i am guilty of is not admitting that last week that something was off. i honestly thought, "he's drunk, he doesn't know what he is saying. he is my friend". to understand how much this hurts you would have to understand what sort of situation we are living in. we put on shows, we live communally, and something like this effects the entire house. everyone hears them fighting. everyone knows what happened. everyone was upset by it. it broke my heart to have to tell my friend that this guy was doing this behind her back. but i hear the part about them not being true friends. the rest is not really hitting the mark. saying i provoked it is really untrue and even in the depths of my sadness about this i can at least look myself in the eye and know that i didn't lead him on. unless being someone's friend and talking about music and petting their dog who lives here is leading him on. in which case, i guess women should never have male friends at all, eh?
There are several options for what is happening here:
1) The boyfriend lied about sending you texts. He made up some sordid story about how you tried to steal him away and how you were trying to break up his and her relationship. Because she cares for this man and doesn't want to be the fool who cares for someone who is just using her, it was easier for her to believe him. Because of this, you have become the enemy.
2) She knows that the boyfriend is more attracted to you than her. Every time she sees you, it's a reminder of her own inadequacies. Nobody wants that. If every time we see someone, we feel bad, we stop wanting to see that person. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but we can't logic our way in to feeling something different.
You did the right thing, but in cases of relationships, nobody is ever truly grateful for bad news. Perhaps she'll come around some day, but the wounds are too fresh and in the case of her relationship, they're ripped open anew every time her boyfriend is less than perfect.
I'm sorry.
thank you very much for this. this isn't something i really thought about. i mean, its fair to say i have low self esteem. i'm not ugly, but i have a few extra pounds which really make me feel unattractive and i just like being one of the guys. i don't really try and be attractive right now because i just got out of a long term stormy relationship and i just want to hang a sign on me that says "leave me alone". in fact i even said that, more than once, to her boyfriend. i was not at all sending out signals that i was interested in anyone, much less him. and what's so weird, because i never really considered this til you mentioned it, is that maybe she does resent me because she felt like he was attracted to me. but i just don't get it. this girl is tall, beautiful, blond, with legs i would die for. she has a rep for stealing boyfriends. she dresses great, little mini dresses, great style, and here i am wearing hoodies everywhere and hardly getting out of my jammies and too self conscious to ever wear shorts and he's hitting on ME? it almost makes me wonder if he didn't do it just to spite her, which hurts in its own way. but thanks for insight, its hard to believe she would look at me and feel inadequate. i hate all this stuff partly because it reminds me that i feel really inadequate that way. i just want to be invisible and then this crap happens.
as for the rest, he didn't deny anything to her. the two of us girls got him cornered in a room for hours and she forced him to confess in my prescence. there was nothing hidden. i got to hand it to him- he took it.
Meh. I'd go about my business and not pay them any attention. You didn't do anything wrong and you tried to spare your friend heartbreak by calling attention to her boyfriend's shady ways. It isn't your fault she's chosen to stay with such a jerk. I wouldn't do anything and I wouldn't leave. If they're uncomfortable then they can leave.
i appreciate your advice, such as it is, but i am almost 40. i live in an artists' residency. i don't think i am being a drama queen. i am not a child. and i NEVER, not once, responded to ANY Of his texts unless it was the innocent ones, like, "we're going to the store, do you need anything". because i don't have a car roommates will ask these things. i don't dress provocatively. i NEVER said anything to him that was anything less than innocent. i am very, very sensitive to other people and didn't want x to be hurt or feel left out. i never canoodled with him in private. i don't even wear makeup half the time and when i started feeling something was weird, i backed off, stopped hanging out with him. he NEVER said anything to my face, only sent texts. when he would send me something questionable, i would ignore it. and when i realized it was a real problem i didn't sit on it and wait. i went to her as soon as i was able and told her everything. i think the most i am guilty of is not admitting that last week that something was off. i honestly thought, "he's drunk, he doesn't know what he is saying. he is my friend". to understand how much this hurts you would have to understand what sort of situation we are living in. we put on shows, we live communally, and something like this effects the entire house. everyone hears them fighting. everyone knows what happened. everyone was upset by it. it broke my heart to have to tell my friend that this guy was doing this behind her back. but i hear the part about them not being true friends. the rest is not really hitting the mark. saying i provoked it is really untrue and even in the depths of my sadness about this i can at least look myself in the eye and know that i didn't lead him on. unless being someone's friend and talking about music and petting their dog who lives here is leading him on. in which case, i guess women should never have male friends at all, eh?
See, this is where you messed up. I would have responded to his first inappropriate text very firmly with, "Thank you, but I am not interested and I don't think Y would appreciate this, so please stop."
Not only would that have nipped it in the bud, you would have covered your butt with your friend and had evidence that it was all him and that you were not going along with his flirting. He may have blown a gasket, but that would have been his problem.
Hindsight, but maybe someone else can learn from this.
As for you, you can stick it out on faith that he will do this again with someone else and the next person will do something like what I just suggested, so that sooner or later, everyone acknowledges that it's him and not the women he's hitting on. Or you can find another place to live. I appreciate that it's an artists' residence, but you have to ask yourself whether living with the kind of social stress you currently have will be worth it and the damage it could potentially do to your ability to work. I know I certainly couldn't create with that much emotional static around me.
Remind me to never move into an artists community. You all sound like a bunch of children.
OP, I hope you will move out soon and get some help for your self-hating thought patterns.
that is a sweeping and ridiculous judgement. all this stems from one person, really, and you would feel very, very ashamed were you to come here and see what sort of community we have built, the way we have transformed this property. most of us are squares, really. but then again, judging is really so much easier.
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