I need advice on how to get boyfriend to move out (wife, marriage)
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I met my boyfriend a year ago. He moved into my home 8 months ago due to job loss and I thought we were in love. He has said he wants to marry me, etc, but now I think he's just blowing smoke. He is an ex-alcoholic, three years sober, and is trying to get visitation rights with his two year old son which makes him very angry. He has a temper and often assumes things me, such as my mood..he says hateful things to me. I ask him why if he says he cares about me so much how can he act the way he does? He says and I quote: I am the way I am and I ain't changing, take it or leave it". Mkay...
In the last few months things have gotten downright awful. He makes no attempt at getting a job. Why should he, I have a good job and a home so I realize this. He plays World of Warcraft for 12 hr stretches. He is not affectionate period. He wants back rubs, neck rubs, from sitting at that stupid computer for hours. He wants sex only when he wants it and he never touches me or gives any foreplay, just three minutes and done.
Now. My problem is I am afraid of him. He has never hit me but has thrown things and has said things that make me afraid. Such as the neighbor's dog barks a lot. He has said that one day I'll come home from work and if the dog is dead I'm not to say a word to anybody. He's told me stories from his past of things he did while drunk...an uncle wouldn't let him drive his truck for some reason or other so he told some nasty friends where his uncle's safe was in his house and they broke in and stole a lot of money and guns. He has also keyed cars, has multiple DUI's, has spent a year and a half in jail because of them...How the hell do I get this man out of my house? I cannot get the courage up to even speak to him about it. I've thought of a million ways to say it..I've written letters but can't get the courage up to actually give them to him..
He takes and takes and gives nothing. He is always in a hateful mood and says mean things. I deserve better than this. Would someone please help me? I am on pins and needles around him, never knowing what his mood will be. I'm taking Xanax because of this man. I can't leave because I own my home and I'll be damned if I have to leave! But I am so afraid of him I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.
If he does not own any part of the residence or pay rent, you can kick him out at any time. Ask him to leave (and have a couple of friends present when you do), and if he does not, call police. Make sure that when he does leave, he takes every last shred of his possessions, or anything he's paid for, with him.
Based on what you said, I don't think you have enough for a restraining order, but if you are truly afraid of this man, you might want to talk to a lawyer in your area.
He is right in that he ain't gonna change that's for sure. You will have to tell him at some point things just aren't working with your relationship. At which time you will have a cordless or cell phone in your hand ready to dial 911. Be the one that is closest to any door - like a door to the garage or backdoor or front door. Do not attempt a conversation about it without that phone in your hand.
Doing it on like a Saturday morning gives you ample opportunity to have friends present and for him to call someone to help him move his stuff out. If he has heavy furniture and can't move it that day. You just pay for a month at a storage facility and put his stuff there - he has one month to come and get it and it's worth every penny for peace of mind.
He may leave when you tell him too - but mark my words he'll probably try and come back that night so have a friend stay over or go to someone else's house.
Last edited by Thursday007; 05-23-2010 at 12:12 PM..
I met my boyfriend a year ago. He moved into my home 8 months ago due to job loss and I thought we were in love. He has said he wants to marry me, etc, but now I think he's just blowing smoke. He is an ex-alcoholic, three years sober, and is trying to get visitation rights with his two year old son which makes him very angry. He has a temper and often assumes things me, such as my mood..he says hateful things to me. I ask him why if he says he cares about me so much how can he act the way he does? He says and I quote: I am the way I am and I ain't changing, take it or leave it". Mkay...
In the last few months things have gotten downright awful. He makes no attempt at getting a job. Why should he, I have a good job and a home so I realize this. He plays World of Warcraft for 12 hr stretches. He is not affectionate period. He wants back rubs, neck rubs, from sitting at that stupid computer for hours. He wants sex only when he wants it and he never touches me or gives any foreplay, just three minutes and done.
Now. My problem is I am afraid of him. He has never hit me but has thrown things and has said things that make me afraid. Such as the neighbor's dog barks a lot. He has said that one day I'll come home from work and if the dog is dead I'm not to say a word to anybody. He's told me stories from his past of things he did while drunk...an uncle wouldn't let him drive his truck for some reason or other so he told some nasty friends where his uncle's safe was in his house and they broke in and stole a lot of money and guns. He has also keyed cars, has multiple DUI's, has spent a year and a half in jail because of them...How the hell do I get this man out of my house? I cannot get the courage up to even speak to him about it. I've thought of a million ways to say it..I've written letters but can't get the courage up to actually give them to him..
He takes and takes and gives nothing. He is always in a hateful mood and says mean things. I deserve better than this. Would someone please help me? I am on pins and needles around him, never knowing what his mood will be. I'm taking Xanax because of this man. I can't leave because I own my home and I'll be damned if I have to leave! But I am so afraid of him I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.
Have some friends and family members even guy friends approach him and tell him he has to leave. NOW!!!
Yes you do deserve better you just have to have courage.
How old is this guy? how old are you?
He's never hit..at least not yet?? but day is coming that he will.
Dont tell him to leave when your alone...its best to have someone there when you do it. A man will only do and treat you the way you let him!!
Or pack up his things leave outside and change the locks and when he comes home serve him with a restraining order and people there for support.
Just hurry and do it.
I mostly agree with Redisca, but I think you DO have enough to get a restraining order and the only way to find out is to contact the Special victims unit at your police department and tell them you fear for your safety both with him in the house and more so when you tell him you want him out. They will probably have an officer (2 usually) escort you home to tell him to leave and to hand him the TRO (T for temporary - until you have a court hearing).
Please do it this way - at the very least you will have alerted your PD to the likelihood that you are in physical danger. If they say you don't have enough for a TRO, then make sure you have friends/family or even hire someone in security to be with you when you tell him to get out. Do NOT be alone, set up your cell phone to dial the police dept with a quick code and keep it on you at all times, even when in the bathroom.
One other possibility: you said he has a conviction and did some time in jail. Is he perhaps on probation? If so, you can contact his probation officer if the pd cannot help you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca
If he does not own any part of the residence or pay rent, you can kick him out at any time. Ask him to leave (and have a couple of friends present when you do), and if he does not, call police. Make sure that when he does leave, he takes every last shred of his possessions, or anything he's paid for, with him.
Based on what you said, I don't think you have enough for a restraining order, but if you are truly afraid of this man, you might want to talk to a lawyer in your area.
thanks for the ideas..I just know I'm going to blindside him with this as I've been too afraid to speak my mind during this whole "relationship". I am 40 and he is 36. I do have my ex-husband, we parted on good terms and still speak daily, who could come over..he is the big burly biker type...he's come over to visit in the past and bf hates him because we used to be married. Even though there is zero there and ex has a WIFE for god's sake.
Here is an example of just today for instance. He got up at noon in a foul mood. He immediately fires up his computer and jumps on WOW. Says hon will you bring me some coffee, I'm doing an "instance" that I can leave..so I do. After a bit he asks for the remote and puts it on one of those animal documentaries where they show poaching and killing of big cats. He KNOWS this stuff upsets me and I will cry. So I ask him as nice as I can if we can watch something else, that I can't stand or handle watching an animal be murdered. He says "F*** it, watch whatever the f*** you want, I ain't in the mood for dealing with your sh** today. I immediately feel tears rushing up and damn it makes me mad. I just sit there in shock..thinking how on earth can this man be this hateful to me? What did I do to deserve this treatment? About 15 min later he ask me what the hell is wrong with me as I'm now minding my own business and using my laptop, trying to avoid the images and sounds on the TV. I said the usual "Nothing, I'm fine, just surfing". I am so pathetic. He says no way, I see you're pissed now tell me why NOW. Ummmm no..I'm too afraid to tell him why. So he gets up and says he's going to AA, going to go to two or three meetings today. So thank god he leaves..and now I sit thinking and sobbing that I have to get this jerk OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! I am so angry at myself for being used like this.
I think you need a male friend or relative to come over for support, and tell this loser to pack his bags and gtfo. Enough is enough. Let him go sleep on the couch of one of his AA buddies. (I can't believe that 3 years of sobriety and he's still doing 2-3 meetings in a day... sounds to me like this guy has not personally advanced one bit these last few years.)
YOU didn't do anything to MAKE him treat you this way. This is his real personality shining through and he's always been this way and will continue to act this way with the next woman...it's not your problem and you aren't responsible for his behavior.
thanks for the ideas..I just know I'm going to blindside him with this as I've been too afraid to speak my mind during this whole "relationship". I am 40 and he is 36. I do have my ex-husband, we parted on good terms and still speak daily, who could come over..he is the big burly biker type...he's come over to visit in the past and bf hates him because we used to be married. Even though there is zero there and ex has a WIFE for god's sake.
Perfect. If it were me, I'd call my ex and ask if he can come over later. If he can, I'd think pack my loser bf's stuff and have it waiting for him. have the ex there when the bf gets home and tell him to gtfo!
One thing though, he hasn't been paying rent right? Because if he has, you might have to evict him. Also I am assuming you are not in a state with goofy common-law marriage rules that kick in quickly. I hear about that every now and again (though it may be coming from people who are actually misinformed about the laws in their give state).
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