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We're from Pennsylvania, grew up in generally the same town. We've been dating for 7 years and decided to have a baby - we now have the most wonderful 1 year old baby boy. I'm 32, he's 38. He has three girls to his ex-wife. This past December, his brother says he's moving to FL. So I guess it got into my boyfriends head that he wants to move also. Not to FL but to Myrtle Beach, SC. He's a mechanic, I'm currently a stay at home mom. We don't make the best living. I do have an education. I have an associate degree in web design but there's no work in the field and I'm unemployed. I really love watching my son grow up. It's the best "job" ever! My boyfriend pretty much says we're moving. I say, no we are not. We're fighting back and forth, he always ends it with, "Well, if you don't wanna go, I'll go without you and we'll figure out custody issues with our son." After hearing this repeatedly, I really feel hurt by the fact he can just up and leave me without considering how I feel about the situation. It also scared me knowing that if he left I would definitely need to get my life in line for my son. No stay at home mom for me! I think we have a better support system where we are now. I'm very close to my family. My mom is getting older and I want her to know my son. I feel very strongly about this. I have nieces who I'm close with also and a brother and sister. My boyfriend has family too but he's not that close with them. One of his brothers already lives in FL. He says his other kids can come down to visit when I go back up to PA to visit my family. I then would bring them down to SC. After a few weeks FLY ALL THE WAY back up to PA, visit with my family again and come back home. Is that insane?? He better be making some GREAT money! I also don't want to uproot my son every Christmas to go spend it at my mom's just so I can spend the holidays with my family.
I think he wants to move on a whim. To say in December we're leaving to SC by the end of Feb is drastic. His reasons are he can get paid more down there and get benefits. I looked it up the cost of living and everything is pretty much the same. Also he could get benefits up here too and paid more if he got a new job. He also says he wants to move to a warmer climate. I get that. It would be nice but that's really the only somewhat good reason. He says it would be so much better for us.. A new start.. I don't get what would be SO MUCH BETTER? Every time we talk about this, we end up getting in a huge fight and nothing gets resolves.
I thought we were over several days ago so I started looking up career options for myself. I'm actually really excited to start a whole new career. I was thinking of going into teaching. Granted, yes I'd have to go back to school for about two years but after hearing that he can up and leave me in a second, I need to get my life together no matter what now. I don't feel like I have that security anymore. Like I said I have a great support system here. My mom would have no problem watching my son and same with other family. If I moved to SC with him to go to school, we'd now be paying a daycare or a sitter to watch our son, along with flying back and forth and back and forth again. I feel we'll be spending even MORE money. He thinks me going back to school is ridiculous. "You went to school once and got nothing out of it. What will make this time different. You're wasting time and money." I need to work. I already have bills and student loans I need to pay off and he won't help me at all. He says my choice to go to school, so I have to pay them off. I think him wanting to move is pointless and selfish just because he wants to move a warmer place.
Am I being selfish here? Am I being selfish thinking I need to get my life together after seeing everything that's going on?
Am I being selfish here? Am I being selfish thinking I need to get my life together after seeing everything that's going on?
No. Your boyfriend is doing things that are eerily similar to when my Dad left my Mom, my brother, and I. Taking steps to ensure that you and your son are financially secure is very wise. If my Mom didn't have a job when my Dad left us, we would have been out on the street.
Good luck.
[your boyfriend is laying the foundation for leaving you so be ready for it]
It sounds like he is using his power (financial powers) in the relationship to get you to agree to moving. He is probably bluffing on ripping the family apart, but if he isn't then you have way more to figure out than just moving. Good luck.
Any man who VOLUNTARILY chooses to move states away from his young kids just for a "warmer climate" has a problem.
And unfortunately, you made his problem your son's problem
The fact he wants you to support HIS plans, but has nothing but ridicule for any of yours does not bode well for the relationship. Sorry.
Pretty much this. And Mike may be right, too. You're wise to look after your future, and to stay where you have a good support system. A major move is something couples usually discuss together and plan for months if not a year or more. So it's strange he would be so abrupt with his plans. The only thing I'm scratching my head about is: why did you have a child with this man? At this point, it's best you didn't marry him (was that ever even an option?), but still...
And you say he has family, but he's not that close to them? So why is he moving to be with his brother? Something here doesn't add up. In any case, he's let you know where you stand by announcing he's moving and that he doesn't care if you stay or go with him. Your best move, imo., is to stay put and get a viable education/career.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-11-2014 at 02:47 PM..
The only thing I'm scratching my head about is: why did you have a child with this man? At this point, it's best you didn't marry him (was that ever even an option?), but still...
And you say he has family, but he's not that close to them? So why is he moving to be with his brother? Something here doesn't add up. In any case, he's let you know where you stand by announcing he's moving and that he doesn't care if you stay or go with him. Your best move, imo., is to stay put and get a viable education/career.
Hi. His one brother already lives in Florida and now his other brother is moving to fl also. My boyfriend wants to move to sc. We know no one there. We went there once on vacation. His dad, sister and one other brother still live close by. He isn't close to his family the way I am.
Why did I have a baby with him? After so many years, I really do love him. Just lately, especially with this whole move, we've gone downhill real fast. When things were going good everything was just that, good. Yes, we did plan on getting married, we're engaged. We were engaged before considering having a baby. He even said to me the other day, if I move down to sc "promise me we'll get married in a year's time." I said no because of how everything is panning out, I feel our relationship would need a major tune up so to speak.
Hi. His one brother already lives in Florida and now his other brother is moving to fl also. My boyfriend wants to move to sc. We know no one there. We went there once on vacation. His dad, sister and one other brother still live close by. He isn't close to his family the way I am.
Why did I have a baby with him? After so many years, I really do love him. Just lately, especially with this whole move, we've gone downhill real fast. When things were going good everything was just that, good. Yes, we did plan on getting married, we're engaged. We were engaged before considering having a baby. He even said to me the other day, if I move down to sc "promise me we'll get married in a year's time." I said no because of how everything is panning out, I feel our relationship would need a major tune up so to speak.
I think you're really wise, here. It sounds like you're engaged, but never set a wedding date? So that left the door open to him to simply keep promising "someday..." (after the baby, or after the move, or after I get a job, etc. etc.) It sounds like you're starting to recognize it may not happen.
The most reliable people in your life are you and your mom. Go with that. Completing a BA would be a good move, an investment in yourself and your future. You're REALLY lucky you have your mom nearby, and that she's fine with watching the baby! That's a very valuable asset you have going for you, under the circumstances! Make the most of it, and go for the education and the career.
OK, so he decided to move to SC just out of nowhere, other than some hope for better pay? A change of scenery? Seems vague. I think your instincts are good. Go with what they're telling you.
I have no idea what is keeping you in PA, other than family. You said there are no job opportunities in PA, and your job is to raise your child (acceptable), but doable anywhere. Sometimes it's good to move to a new location, if you do not like it perhaps you could move back and rekindle the roots you are leaving behind, I know plenty of people that have done exactly that to realize later they wanted to move back to be closer to family. Although it is usually one arguing the other. A colleague of mine left to NC for 8 years away from family in the midwest, his wife then threatened to leave him if he did not move back to where she was from in the midwest, and 8 years later he is back working at this company he started at. Messed up part about his situation is that he is the bread winner in the household, his wife does not work at all and barely even wants to raise the child. On top of all that he left a way better job in NC to make less money and be closer to her family (of which he does not like). But I guess the take away from all this, he did what he had to do to keep the family together.
Okay, for the sake of argument I'm going to say you should move with your BF. If neither of you are making much money and there are more opportunities elsewhere, you need to get off your bum and get a move on.
Essentially, you're married. No point in arguing. You have a kid together. He's your partner and like it or not, you're not doing much to help the situation. When people are "married" they are supposed to stick with their mates as opposed to moving back home with their parents.
Now act like a grown responsible woman, put the baby in the car seat, and quit whining. Give it a try. You might be surprised and like where you end up. Then your sweet little mom can come visit you for Christmas.
Start looking for a down there now.
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