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I am 46 years old and my boyfriend is 38 years old. I don't know if my dismay with him is related to our age difference or if I'm just frustrated because of the impending death of my mother and losing both of my parents within a matter of a year or that this is the first Seattle-ite I've ever dated and thinking men from Seattle are like this and I have to get with the program. I met my boyfriend back in November online at Okcupid. I knew he had a then 10 year old son (he's now 11) but later on found out that his wife had literally just moved out (they were NOT divorced). He has a 15 year old son from a prior marriage that was really kind of scary (slovenly, fascinated with knives, really dirty to the point he not only smelled but would leave feces on toilet seats, etc.) while I have a 15 year old that is a star soccer player, honors student, has a schedule and is determined to go to college. We clicked but he was also raising his son alone (the 10 year old) and the 15 year old of his estranged wife. I looked past the fact that he had been unemployed for nearly two years because I respected that he was raising his sons alone (no help from his wife who just took off and left to be a “cannabis activist”). I was just a substitute teacher and struggling to make ends meet when we met but eventually found a full-time job back in February so I was ok with the fact he didn’t have a job because I felt he was looking for work and the economy is difficult. In May, he asked me for $1700 to pay his rent (because his unemployment ran out AND later on the medical marijuana business he had his product did not produce ( it is legal in Washington to grow it so I have tried to be open minded). That’s when thing went crazy. In June, he asked again but I did not have the money to give him and he was being evicted so I said he could stay with us. His wife came back (to finalize their divorce) and then since she was uncomfortable with me because I'm of another race (mind you she never graduated from high school, I'm a teacher with a masters degree, a well-behaved son and a volunteer at a senior center), she insisted her son that was not his biological son and not adopted by him move back in with her in July. I thought that was fine because honestly I don’t have room and as I later discovered, he is more of a friend to hi kids than an actual parent (absolutely NO discipline, a now 11 year old that eat when and what he wants, he curses, goes to bed at midnight and 1 in the morning, plays with knifes, etc. My fifteen year old is routinely in bed before his 11 year old and my son shakes his head when he hears the obscenities flow from this kids mouth). He moved into my home on June 28th months ago due to his financial problem (with yours truly paying for the uHaul van to move his things here because he had no money) and his telling me he had job interviews at Microsoft (second and third interviews) and I thought we were in love.
My son and I just can’t take his son, which I a shame because it’s not his fault but my boyfriend tell him NOTHING. I found out two weeks ago my mother is dying and I have to go to Nevada and I literally did not have the money to go because I have spent all of my extra cash on him. He tries to be very nice (help clean, is kind, offers back rubs, nice conversations, tells me he love me) but his son (because he literally will not go to bed, is obtrusive to the point that I was in the living room talking to the cardiologist who was telling me about the fact my mother is in a coma and the kid was watching television and I have to go outside on my patio to talk to family, friends, because he refuses to turn off the TV. At one point, I told him to please go into another room and he started talking back/trying to get into a discussion that he wanted to finish his video game. His dad didn’t tell him anything and later tried to make excuses for his son (i.e. he didn’t know my mom was dying, he doesn’t know how to behave in those situations, etc.).
The worst part is my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be looking for a job, I’m afraid to leave him in my house while I go to see and bury my mother because his son is so disrespectful (he also put a hole in the wall in his bedroom that I had to patch up but the worst part is he didn’t even tell me and I had to see it and ask “what is this”. He also broke the knob to my dryer, broke a light switch.
At one point, I sent flowers to my mother and didn’t have any money left for my next payday (because again, I finally started again) and he had the audacity to ask me for money to get the bus.
When I see him on the computer, he is usually playing video game or listening to YouTube and NOT looking for a job. Then he talks about jobs that he had applied for and I have taken him to three interviews in the month that he has lived here.
He pays no rent; he does have food assistance and buys food. He tried to have his stepson come over and that’s the only time I told him no, I can’t afford to have another person in the house but I can’t have him either. I keep thinking if he does find a job, then I shouldn’t throw him out now because I could use help but as it is not, I haven’t paid for things for my son, I’m struggling and the more I realize that I am basically keeping my mother alive artificially just so I can wait for my paycheck to go and see her, I get angry but I haven’t opened my mouth and get scared to say anything because I don’t have any family or relatives here and would have to tell him alone to leave. I also feel bad for his son because he’ probably not a bad kid but his father is too busy trying to be hi buddy and not a dad.
I am afraid of him though because of his cannabis connection and I’m scared because I let him in but he has paid NO rent and paid for NOTHING. He takes and takes and takes. I just want to mourn my mom and we feel like prisoners in our own house. Please help! How do I get him to get out and how do I approach it? He is a nice person and says he love me but I can’t afford to have two more “children” and his unruly, cursing, never sleeping, doesn’t shower or flush toilets or wash his hands, says more F bombs than a sailor 11 year old is scaring me, particularly because he plays with knifes and has his own knife. IN fact, the 11 year old was suspended from school for bringing a knife and his dad did NOTHING and acted like it was “just a knife” and the school overreacted.
Just calmly tell him that he needs to find his own place to live.
Give him 2 weeks or 30 days, but tell him that he has to go.
Be firm.
If necessary, call the police, get a peace warrant/restraining order and make him leave.
Help him pack.
Change the locks.
By no means a freeloader, I had to go in the hospital and he came up and asked me if there was anything he could do and I said , "Yes. by the time I am out of here I want you out of there." End of Drama.
Can you lie and tell him the landlord wants him out? Does your ll know he is there? Surely having extra people move in like that is in violation of your lease. Maybe tell the ll and get a letter stating the extra people have to move or you will all be evicted. It worked for a friend of mine but it was a room rental situation gone bad and not a dating situation. Good luck and don't let anyone else with a minor child move in especially if the parent is unemployed and into nefarious means of making $$$. All of your actions were the exact opposite of common sense.
Just tell him it's not working out and that he has to leave within 30 days. He's not on the lease, but you might want to send him a certified letter (I know, to your own home), informing that he has to leave within 30 days (the standard amount of time). Then call the authorities to back it up.
Just tell the unemployed pot smoking loser that the relationship is over and it is time for him to go. Check with the legalities in your particular state to find out if you have to give notice (you probably do).
No more picking up strays from the internet! This guy duped you from the start, so don't make such a foolish mistake again.
Just calmly tell him that he needs to find his own place to live.
Give him 2 weeks or 30 days, but tell him that he has to go.
Be firm.
If necessary, call the police, get a peace warrant/restraining order and make him leave.
Help him pack.
Change the locks.
You owe no other explanation.
This, but if you fear for your safety AT ALL plesae call 1−800−799−SAFE. They have resources and good advice for situations that are or could become violent.
Thank you everyone (and Jasper, you are correct. I was not thinking at all and think I made a lot of poor decisions after my father died which coincided around when I met him).
I am going to ask my landlord because although when I told him about him moving in (and his son), was great but we never changed the lease. With your insights, I'm thinking I can ask him for help (I have been a very good tenant otherwise).
I just can't understand why someone with a child doesn't do everything possible to find work now (I mean I worked a few really low paying jobs night jobs outside of my career path just to keep food on the table and my 15 year old safe while I looked for teaching jobs). I assumed he was like me and was desperately trying to find work and before he moved in, he had said that he had a third interview and was sure to get the job (I drove him to all three interviews). Then suddenly the scope changed but he had another interview in three weeks with an employer he had worked for previously. Then my mother had the heart attack after he moved in and had I known how sick she was (she didn't tell me she was having heart problems before), I never would have let him in. It's also killing me because the last conversation I had with her, she was upset and said that I needed to stop being so nice to everyone because nice isn't an occupation.
My worry now is him being alone in my house with his unruly son while we fly to Vegas for my mother. I know I can't get him out from some of the answers here it appears for 2 weeks so should I tell him to leave before or after I come back? I am leaving on Tuesday (my payday) but I will ask the landlord for help.
Thank you everyone so much. As silly as it seems, seeing the answer in black and white (or blue and white) from people outside of the situations really helps and I've finally got my brain and common sense back.
Last edited by diamondsr; 07-27-2012 at 10:24 AM..
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