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Here's a simplified version of what I know about the "cost" of an affair.
The "work out of town" scenario is the easiest way, logistically, to have one.
An "in-town" affair is MUCH more difficult logistically.
You have to consider other relationships,
where you can go to be alone or without being seen by someone you know,
how you will communicate without arousing suspicion from anyone,
how you can explain for unaccounted time,
keep track of how you explained for unaccounted time,
pay for things (like food or hotel rooms) in cash.
The emotional cost is higher, of course.
The fear about revealing to someone that you are attracted to them and want to have an affair is insane.
You spend a LOT of emotional energy planning the logistics part, worrying about lying, getting caught in a lie, covering your tracks and remembering what story you told for later (months later when someone says, "Remember, it was that time you went to that all-day seminar?" and you're thinking, "What all-day seminar?" because you were actually with your lover), etc. An affair robs you of "being present" in either life because it all is rigged, so it's like you are living a fake life.
The thing you don't know going in is how much in emotional limbo you will be.
When you are with your spouse, you miss your lover. When you are with your lover, you feel guilty about being away from your spouse/family etc.
SO whether an affair is worth it or not depends on the reasons you went into it. Not all affairs are the same, just like not all people and conventional relationships are the same.
People who are in happy relationships don't even feel the need to cheat. Sure, I'm occasionally attracted to a male co-worked, but would never cheat. I don't even fantasize about it. Those who are cheaters by nature will cheat even if they have the "perfect" relationship and stability (if they have the chance). Many others wouldn't cheat even in a miserable marriage. A vast spectrum.
People who are in happy relationships don't even feel the need to cheat. Sure, I'm occasionally attracted to a male co-worked, but would never cheat. I don't even fantasize about it. Those who are cheaters by nature will cheat even if they have the "perfect" relationship and stability (if they have the chance). Many others wouldn't cheat even in a miserable marriage. A vast spectrum.
A step further. Sometimes someone doesn't realize that the reason they are not happy in their relationship is because they are not happy with self. Something missing an it can be unfortunately much easier to place the blame on what's around you instead of searching from within.
It depends how good the relationship is. Sometimes an affair on the side is worth every minute. You weigh up what you have to lose. If you're in a crappy marriage or relationship you have little to lose, if you're in a great one you have everything to lose.
You know, as much as I want to agree with Chow, I have to say I agree with you more.
The "worth" of something can be very relative.
This post sorta surprised me.......
I guess morality and values are relative????
I thought when we make a commitment to others... it wasn't so much "relative"... I thought it was through thick and thin and the rest of the commitments...
I guess if it is convenient I'll uphold certain values otherwise... I won't....
Why are you taking your ball and running home now?
The one thing I've learned is that I have to stop being surprised when everyone on earth does not think like I do. There are SO many people out there, each with their own history. How can we all possibly think the same things???
You had an opinion. Not everyone agreed. The point of civil discourse is that you are allowed your opinion and the other person is allowed theirs. Why demonize someone just because they disagree?
You said you wanted to leave judgment out of it, then got all judgy on us. Snake pit??
Your posts are usually very thoughtful and, IMHO, worth sharing.
No, morality is not relative, but you asked about worth. WORTH is RELATIVE, in economics and elsewhere.
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