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I'm hurting! Help me through this. I went out with a guy for a couple weeks, but he was acting hot and cold. When he started getting really sweet and affectionate, I decided to trust him and I slept with him once, but then he got really cold. He doesn't want to get attached. The thing is, I barely knew him, and there are things about him that turn me off, so it's not like I was in love, but it still really hurts. I feel so at odds with my own self. Even though my head said "you don't want to be with someone who is so indecisive, who fears relationships," my heart said "go for it!" and I'm now feeling burned.
I'm struggling to understand why it hurts. When I wasn't crazy about him in the first place (although I definitely did like him), why does it hurt to know that he doesn't want to connect with me? Is it just a bruised ego, or is it addiction to my own brain chemicals telling me not to let go of this person who once made me feel good? Should I listen to my romantic side that says "maybe he's just scared -- don't give up on him so soon!" or the proud woman who says "don't give any of your time to a guy who isn't treating you like he really wants you!"
What are your thoughts on my experience? Please share your own experiences.
Also, please know that I'm not just desperate for love with anyone at all. I'm actually quite picky, and I'm usually single. I have hobbies, friends, and such.
I think rejection hurts no matter what the situation. Ever applied for a job that you were perfectly suited for, but when they didn't even call you, you felt hurt? Rejection sucks, no matter how invested you are in something or someone.
I think rejection hurts no matter what the situation. Ever applied for a job that you were perfectly suited for, but when they didn't even call you, you felt hurt? Rejection sucks, no matter how invested you are in something or someone.
So you think it's just a matter of my relationship with myself?
Sometimes I think about that old Exciters song "Tell Him" that says women need to pursue men and make it clear that they're interested. But I've always expected the man to do the pursuing, to convince me that he's serious. What do you think about a woman trying to win over a man who's on the fence? Somehow it seems like that's a man's territory, and a woman doing that just appears needy and emotional.
I'm stuck wondering if I should make a final effort or just write him off. It's hard for me to believe that men are so simple and callous that they only want to get laid and have no fears and emotions of their own.
I'm hurting! Help me through this. I went out with a guy for a couple weeks, but he was acting hot and cold. When he started getting really sweet and affectionate, I decided to trust him and I slept with him once, but then he got really cold. He doesn't want to get attached. The thing is, I barely knew him, and there are things about him that turn me off, so it's not like I was in love, but it still really hurts. I feel so at odds with my own self. Even though my head said "you don't want to be with someone who is so indecisive, who fears relationships," my heart said "go for it!" and I'm now feeling burned.
I'm struggling to understand why it hurts. When I wasn't crazy about him in the first place (although I definitely did like him), why does it hurt to know that he doesn't want to connect with me? Is it just a bruised ego, or is it addiction to my own brain chemicals telling me not to let go of this person who once made me feel good? Should I listen to my romantic side that says "maybe he's just scared -- don't give up on him so soon!" or the proud woman who says "don't give any of your time to a guy who isn't treating you like he really wants you!"
What are your thoughts on my experience? Please share your own experiences.
Also, please know that I'm not just desperate for love with anyone at all. I'm actually quite picky, and I'm usually single. I have hobbies, friends, and such.
Unlike others here, I have faced a LOT of rejection. So, I'm kind of a pro you could say.
Therefore, the little ones don't hurt. Rejections at a bar, after a few dates, at parties, etc. Nah. Rarely dwell on them (although the cumulative rejections have made me bitter, that is another issue).
It only really hurts when I've gotten to know her over time and already fallen for her.
I would say let it go, and you will get over it pretty soon because you barely know him. If you are a person who is not used to rejection, then it is in REALITY your PRIDE that is hurting right now, not your longing for him.
And if that is the case, you should be able to get over it quick.
Thank you all for the replies! I think the thing that I'm dwelling over is that I'm not even sure if I've been rejected. He didn't tell me he didn't want to see me, but he acted cold after we had sex, and he made it clear that he would be busy over the weekend. Then 3 days later he sent me an email just saying hi and he hoped I was having a nice day. So I just said hi back and didn't hear anything from him again. A few days after that I decided to email him and say I'd rather be friends than have us both feeling awkward, because I don't think he's just some jerk who wanted to get laid. I'm sure he has some emotions of his own that he's chosen not to talk about. He said yes, he'd like to be friends.
I've always heard that if a guy really likes you, he'll show it and he'll pursue you. I wonder if that's always the case. I have a hard time simplifying men so much. Isn't is possible that there could be more to explore in their emotions? That maybe guys get confused and need a nudge? I notice that we often allow women to have emotions that men can't have, like a guy could easily say that a girl is afraid of getting hurt so he'll be persistent in showing that he's sincere. But I think no one would advise me as a woman that maybe he's afraid of getting hurt and I should show him that I care. They just say he's a jerk, get over it.
Thank you all for the replies! I think the thing that I'm dwelling over is that I'm not even sure if I've been rejected. He didn't tell me he didn't want to see me, but he acted cold after we had sex, and he made it clear that he would be busy over the weekend. Then 3 days later he sent me an email just saying hi and he hoped I was having a nice day. So I just said hi back and didn't hear anything from him again. A few days after that I decided to email him and say I'd rather be friends than have us both feeling awkward, because I don't think he's just some jerk who wanted to get laid. I'm sure he has some emotions of his own that he's chosen not to talk about. He said yes, he'd like to be friends.
I've always heard that if a guy really likes you, he'll show it and he'll pursue you. I wonder if that's always the case. I have a hard time simplifying men so much. Isn't is possible that there could be more to explore in their emotions? That maybe guys get confused and need a nudge? I notice that we often allow women to have emotions that men can't have, like a guy could easily say that a girl is afraid of getting hurt so he'll be persistent in showing that he's sincere. But I think no one would advise me as a woman that maybe he's afraid of getting hurt and I should show him that I care. They just say he's a jerk, get over it.
I don't think men fence-sit, they either know or they don't, and they don't need a nudge. He sounds like someone maybe hoping for a FWB situation, not an actual dating relationship. I would move on and find someone who shows genuine interest, where you're not wondering how he feels.
If you are a person who is not used to rejection, then it is in REALITY your PRIDE that is hurting right now, not your longing for him.
Thank you for this. I sense that I'm not overwhelmed with longing for him. I don't know him well enough for that, but I wanted to get to know him. I think what I'm longing for is the possibility of him, which seemed so promising. He seemed so genuine and into me at times. I can't understand how he'd change his mind in a matter of days, because that just doesn't happen to me. When I change my mind about someone, it's after months of getting to know more about them. His changing back and forth in a matter of days makes me think it's not me but something going on with him, something like indecision about getting into a relationship.
I appreciate you guys helping me though with your comments.
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