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Just had another date with a pleasant guy who obviously wasn’t interested. He didn’t really light my fire right off the bat either, but I was open to exploring things a little more. However, I think he thought I was just kinda “fluff” and dismissed me because of that.
I’m wondering if part of the problem is that I don’t really roll out my credentials. It’s not like I’m hiding my light under a bushel, but I’m just very goofy and socially awkward. I’m not ashamed of this in any way – not anymore. People usually feel pretty at ease with me when they meet me, and I make friends easily. I’m also well-liked by my professional colleagues, who know that I’m quite good at my job. But I think the qualities that allow me to build platonic connections don’t really translate well into romantic relationships.
I’ve got a long list of “qualifications” and life experiences, some of them traditional accomplishments and some of them quite offbeat. I might come off as a bit ditzy and fluffy in an initial meeting with someone, but my longtime friends tend to view me as a rock of reliability. In crises, I’m the “go-to” person, but you’d never know it if you were just meeting me for the first time.
When I was younger, thinner and much more fresh-faced, my favorite ex put it this way: “You’re like a brainiac disguised as a bimbo.” He took immense pleasure in those moments when people realized I was far smarter and more savvy than they’d originally supposed. (He always knew I had some depth – we conducted a fairly long internet correspondence before meeting.) It’s not like I play dumb or dress slutty, but I’m severely ADD, so I often come off as just kinda scattered and ditzy. But ADD is really just an issue of controlling one’s focus – sometimes you really can and sometimes you really can’t – and when I “hyperfocus” a whole different side of me comes out.
But this isn’t first date material, in my opinion. I’m not going to trot out my academic record, my more wrenching life experiences and my more bizarre achievements to someone I just met. I mean, there’s no way to do it gracefully, and I’ve JUST MET the guy in question.
Or am I being too circumspect? When do the rest of you bust out with the awesome? Or should I just write off a guy who’s not interested in getting to know me, even though his assumptions that I’m not very “together” are totally understandable since he doesn’t know the details? Unless you’re very well acquainted with how ADD works beyond the stereotypes, it’s very easy to just shrug me off as a ditzy chatterbox.
Just had another date with a pleasant guy who obviously wasn’t interested. He didn’t really light my fire right off the bat either, but I was open to exploring things a little more. However, I think he thought I was just kinda “fluff” and dismissed me because of that.
I’m wondering if part of the problem is that I don’t really roll out my credentials. It’s not like I’m hiding my light under a bushel, but I’m just very goofy and socially awkward. I’m not ashamed of this in any way – not anymore. People usually feel pretty at ease with me when they meet me, and I make friends easily. I’m also well-liked by my professional colleagues, who know that I’m quite good at my job. But I think the qualities that allow me to build platonic connections don’t really translate well into romantic relationships.
I’ve got a long list of “qualifications” and life experiences, some of them traditional accomplishments and some of them quite offbeat. I might come off as a bit ditzy and fluffy in an initial meeting with someone, but my longtime friends tend to view me as a rock of reliability. In crises, I’m the “go-to” person, but you’d never know it if you were just meeting me for the first time.
When I was younger, thinner and much more fresh-faced, my favorite ex put it this way: “You’re like a brainiac disguised as a bimbo.” He took immense pleasure in those moments when people realized I was far smarter and more savvy than they’d originally supposed. (He always knew I had some depth – we conducted a fairly long internet correspondence before meeting.) It’s not like I play dumb or dress slutty, but I’m severely ADD, so I often come off as just kinda scattered and ditzy. But ADD is really just an issue of controlling one’s focus – sometimes you really can and sometimes you really can’t – and when I “hyperfocus” a whole different side of me comes out.
But this isn’t first date material, in my opinion. I’m not going to trot out my academic record, my more wrenching life experiences and my more bizarre achievements to someone I just met. I mean, there’s no way to do it gracefully, and I’ve JUST MET the guy in question.
Or am I being too circumspect? When do the rest of you bust out with the awesome? Or should I just write off a guy who’s not interested in getting to know me, even though his assumptions that I’m not very “together” are totally understandable since he doesn’t know the details? Unless you’re very well acquainted with how ADD works beyond the stereotypes, it’s very easy to just shrug me off as a ditzy chatterbox.
No need to bust out the "awesome". Anyone that isn't interested in what's on the surface, isn't worth running after. Leave the awesome for the ones that want to dig deeper. They, and you, will be rewarded.
I am always myself. But I'm wondering how much of myself I should reveal and how I should do it. I keep a lid on the really important bits because it's always seemed to me like first dates should be kept fairly light-hearted and easygoing as a rough rule of thumb.
Combat vets tend to like me, oddly enough, even though I've never gone through anything remotely like that. They tend to be up-front about their issues right at the beginning in the interest of honesty, and that often leads right into some very deep conversations, where they figure out real quick that I'm not a shallow mudpuddle.
Should I be steering the dates towards deep waters right off the bat on all my dates?
I believe it's important to be who you are, so that means making more of an effort, on a first date, to not come across as a ditz, since it isn't who you are, just how you may appear. As the saying goes, you only get one time to make a first impression.
I think it's already a huge step that you're aware of this, which means you can do something to change it. I wouldn't start listing your credentials, but if they come up in a casual way, i.e. where you went to school, what you studied, what you do for work, you can bring a few things up that show you have some depth and intelligence as well.
I don't have experience with ADD, but if you're aware that you're a chatterbox, can you make a conscious effort not to chatter so much and have a more balanced conversation back and forth? I"m not sure what "hyperfocus" means...do you mean you then concentrate so much on trying to do or not do something, that you're then caught up in your own head instead of being present with the person you're out with?
I believe it's important to be who you are, so that means making more of an effort, on a first date, to not come across as a ditz, since it isn't who you are, just how you may appear. As the saying goes, you only get one time to make a first impression.
I think it's already a huge step that you're aware of this, which means you can do something to change it. I wouldn't start listing your credentials, but if they come up in a casual way, i.e. where you went to school, what you studied, what you do for work, you can bring a few things up that show you have some depth and intelligence as well.
I don't have experience with ADD, but if you're aware that you're a chatterbox, can you make a conscious effort not to chatter so much and have a more balanced conversation back and forth? I"m not sure what "hyperfocus" means...do you mean you then concentrate so much on trying to do or not do something, that you're then caught up in your own head instead of being present with the person you're out with?
Well, the thing about the ditziness is that it tends to be my default setting - call it the "Absent-minded Professor" mode. So deliberately NOT being a ditz during a date means the guy is getting a different kind of false impression - and it's also a lot of work, even exhausting. Once a guy gets the chance to figure out that the outward ditziness is just the way I interact with the world (hard to change - if you look at my mother's family, almost all of us are like that) and that there's a lot going on underneath the surface (I'm always thinking about SOMETHING), he tends to want to get to know me better.
I could start sprinkling in the creds a little more freely, I guess.
Hyperfocusing... it's like my ADD superpower, lol. It's when my brain is functioning almost perfectly, all those IQ points are brought into play, and I'm just rolling along with a particular goal in mind. Maybe when it all comes together, I'll crush the competition in a trivia tournament or wrap up a project perfectly at work or just walk in with the perfect solution to whatever crisis is in progress. When a child in my life was taken by his abusive noncustodial parent, I went into hyperfocus mode for three months until I found him. Or it could just be me getting lost in a book I'm reading and not realizing the cupcakes in the oven are burning because I've tuned everything out
I am always myself. But I'm wondering how much of myself I should reveal and how I should do it. I keep a lid on the really important bits because it's always seemed to me like first dates should be kept fairly light-hearted and easygoing as a rough rule of thumb.
Combat vets tend to like me, oddly enough, even though I've never gone through anything remotely like that. They tend to be up-front about their issues right at the beginning in the interest of honesty, and that often leads right into some very deep conversations, where they figure out real quick that I'm not a shallow mudpuddle.
Should I be steering the dates towards deep waters right off the bat on all my dates?
I don't understand why you would think that you should, unless you believe that you have issues that people need to know about in order to interact with you. I think you are over-reacting to something...not sure what though. Leave it alone. Just my 2 cents.
Well, the thing about the ditziness is that it tends to be my default setting - call it the "Absent-minded Professor" mode. So deliberately NOT being a ditz during a date means the guy is getting a different kind of false impression - and it's also a lot of work, even exhausting. Once a guy gets the chance to figure out that the outward ditziness is just the way I interact with the world (hard to change - if you look at my mother's family, almost all of us are like that) and that there's a lot going on underneath the surface (I'm always thinking about SOMETHING), he tends to want to get to know me better.
I could start sprinkling in the creds a little more freely, I guess.
Hyperfocusing... it's like my ADD superpower, lol. It's when my brain is functioning almost perfectly, all those IQ points are brought into play, and I'm just rolling along with a particular goal in mind. Maybe when it all comes together, I'll crush the competition in a trivia tournament or wrap up a project perfectly at work or just walk in with the perfect solution to whatever crisis is in progress. When a child in my life was taken by his abusive noncustodial parent, I went into hyperfocus mode for three months until I found him. Or it could just be me getting lost in a book I'm reading and not realizing the cupcakes in the oven are burning because I've tuned everything out
Never, ever, burn the cupcakes!!
Thanks for clarifying. Love the hyperfocusing being your superpower! It sounds like something that comes in very handy in many aspects of life where you are able to achieve something, but not so much when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
I do think you'll have to talk a bit about accomplishments, your past schooling, job, interests, that will help people to better understand who you are past that initial facade. Just don't list it like a resume, let it come up in natural conversation. I think "what do you do for a living" is a typical first date question, so from there, you could mention your job position at xyz company, and even that you just finished working on abc exciting project and what your involvement was. That gives some insight into who you are without sounding boastful or self-absorbed, imo.
Just be yourself.
Because in the end, that is how you are and that is how you are going to be, brainiac or not.
Frankly, I am a bit funny and goofy and lighthearted - and I think sometimes my lack of stern seriousness makes people think they can behave out of bounds or disrespectfully.
However, I have NEVER met someone (goofy or not) that I didn't know was smart, etc. You can tell in a matter of a few minutes of conversation that someone has some intellectual chops. Sometimes it's the topic, yes. But more often it's the choice of sentence structure, vocabulary choices, overall polish...and sometimes you can't put your finger on it, but you can just tell.
I think there must be some ineffable quality involved in ferreting out accomplished people, or else I would get blown off at every fancy car dealership I have ever been to.
As for me, i'm put off by credentialism. Academic success is a sign that you are willing to follow instructions, not that you're funny or interesting or even useful to society.
I usually size someone up by how they ask and answer questions. It is very bad taste to talk about your credentials or successes.
Quote:
When do the rest of you bust out with the awesome?
never. pretentiousness annoys me.
Last edited by le roi; 10-30-2012 at 09:13 AM..
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They, and you, will be rewarded.
