Divorce after 30 years of marriage? Rise in grey divorce?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Lucario

I don't know why this is so odd to you. I spent my childhood alone, my teen years alone, my college years alone, and my young adult years alone. As all I wanted was love and a family (and later, romance and sex), there was nothing more painful than being alone. Once you finally are not alone, it feels so wonderful that you don't want to let that go, even though your marriage slowly declines into misery itself. You have to ask yourself if you'd rather be miserable while married but still being able to have a family, or do you want to be miserable alone?

I've been miserable alone, and there is nothing on Earth that is worse. So I stay in a bad marriage.

So why not be happy alone? I've been in good relationships and bad ones, I get how bad bad ones can be and how good good ones can be, but I've never been unhappy being single. What is so bad about it? There are plenty of things that one can do alone, and even if you're single there are still things you can do with friends if you want to be social.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by timberline742

So why not be happy alone?

I have tried it. It doesn't work for me. I am very family oriented, and I guess that carries over to the need for love from the opposite sex as well.

I've been in good relationships and bad ones, I get how bad bad ones can be and how good good ones can be, but I've never been unhappy being single. What is so bad about it?

Did you feel OK with being single because you considered yourself resting or recovering between relationships? Did you feel as if you could not be alone if you wanted to, that you could enter a relationship with someone at the time you chose? I never had that luxury. When I was alone, I felt that I would always be that way.

There are plenty of things that one can do alone, and even if you're single there are still things you can do with friends if you want to be social.

I've done things alone all my life. You get sick of being your only friend after a while. Sure, you can eat at restaurants alone, go to the movies or a concert or a library alone, go to a ball game alone, etc. etc.....but if you love people, and there is no other person (or even people - after a certain age you soon become the fifth wheel) to do things with, you soon get depressed. At least I did. Being alone without being able to change that if you want to gets really old.

And there are certain things you just can't do alone, know what I mean?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Lucario

I have tried it. It doesn't work for me. I am very family oriented, and I guess that carries over to the need for love from the opposite sex as well.

Fair enough. My family was never close and I've never been "family orientated". Indeed, when I travel I generally prefer to do it alone so I can do it at my pace.

Originally Posted by Lucario

Did you feel OK with being single because you considered yourself resting or recovering between relationships? Did you feel as if you could not be alone if you wanted to, that you could enter a relationship with someone at the time you chose? I never had that luxury. When I was alone, I felt that I would always be that way.

I never recall hyper-analyzing it. I actually feel less and less need for a relationship as I get older. But I wasn't "ok with being single" because I could date when and where I choose, I am ok with it because why wouldn't I be? I am my own person, I don't need to be part of a couple. Yes, I do love the freedom of being alone, and if I want to hang out with friends I'll call them, and if I meet someone I want to date (and she wants to date me), then great. If not, it is no big deal.

Originally Posted by Lucario

I've done things alone all my life. You get sick of being your only friend after a while. Sure, you can eat at restaurants alone, go to the movies or a concert or a library alone, go to a ball game alone, etc. etc.....but if you love people, and there is no other person (or even people - after a certain age you soon become the fifth wheel) to do things with, you soon get depressed. At least I did. Being alone without being able to change that if you want to gets really old.

And there are certain things you just can't do alone, know what I mean?

Well, by "alone" I mean not being in a relationship, bf/gf, marriage, etc. That doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends, or even date or have FWBs. If you're an adult, there are usually loads of single people out there as well. Sex isn't hard to get if that is what you want. There are loads of both men and women that don't want intense or serious/regular relationships that like sex and hanging out from time to time. If you don't have those and choose to date, then date. No biggie. I, personally, prefer to do most things alone, but I went to Block Island this past weekend with an opposite sex friend and we had a great time, but most "family oriented" holidays I spend alone, which is perfectly fine by me.

Being alone /= being lonely. I just wish more people would "get" that.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Fair enough. My family was never close and I've never been "family orientated". Indeed, when I travel I generally prefer to do it alone so I can do it at my pace.

I'll just quote you and say fair enough.

I never recall hyper-analyzing it. I actually feel less and less need for a relationship as I get older.

I can understand that as well, as I probably will feel more that way after divorce than I did when I was younger. But I still will not be looking forward to that.

But I wasn't "ok with being single" because I could date when and where I choose, I am ok with it because why wouldn't I be? I am my own person, I don't need to be part of a couple. Yes, I do love the freedom of being alone, and if I want to hang out with friends I'll call them, and if I meet someone I want to date (and she wants to date me), then great. If not, it is no big deal.

For me I don't think I could be that sanguine. As I've said, being alone for me is the same as not having any options in terms of socializing or love.

Well, by "alone" I mean not being in a relationship, bf/gf, marriage, etc. That doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends, or even date or have FWBs. If you're an adult, there are usually loads of single people out there as well. Sex isn't hard to get if that is what you want. There are loads of both men and women that don't want intense or serious/regular relationships that like sex and hanging out from time to time.

That's easy for you to say. As a young man I didn't have these options. Sex was extremely hard to get, and there is no reason to believe that it'll be any easier to get as an older man. Especially an unattractive older man.

If you don't have those and choose to date, then date. No biggie. I, personally, prefer to do most things alone, but I went to Block Island this past weekend with an opposite sex friend and we had a great time, but most "family oriented" holidays I spend alone, which is perfectly fine by me.

Being alone /= being lonely. I just wish more people would "get" that.

If it were that simple, more people would get it..........but there are a lot of people of both sexes who just can't connect, especially intimately, that easily.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Lucario

That's easy for you to say. As a young man I didn't have these options. Sex was extremely hard to get, and there is no reason to believe that it'll be any easier to get as an older man. Especially an unattractive older man.

Well, not sure of your age. I'm in my 40s. Lots of it out there to have, more than my 20s. Most men my age, if they're physically fit and in an ok place in their life, I think could hang out with an FWB every night of the week if that is what they wanted. I certainly don't want that (as I value my alone time), but it does get easier in many ways as you're older, because there are a lot more women looking for that as well. Sex just isn't a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship in this day and age.

We're just in different places though.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Well, not sure of your age. I'm in my 40s. Lots of it out there to have, more than my 20s. Most men my age, if they're physically fit and in an ok place in their life, I think could hang out with an FWB every night of the week if that is what they wanted. I certainly don't want that (as I value my alone time), but it does get easier in many ways as you're older, because there are a lot more women looking for that as well. Sex just isn't a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship in this day and age.

We're just in different places though.

All I can do is wonder how you can hook that up so easily. Getting with women still seems just as much a mystery to me as an older person as it did when I was in college. I used to be fit (though overweight, think defensive lineman) but not anymore. I have no doubt I could easily change that, but again, that wouldn't help me figure things out with the ladies. If they don't like you, they don't like you.

I'm not in an unhappy relationship because of sex, because I don't get that either. Just don't want to lose my kids.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Lucario

All I can do is wonder how you can hook that up so easily. Getting with women still seems just as much a mystery to me as an older person as it did when I was in college. I used to be fit (though overweight, think defensive lineman) but not anymore. I have no doubt I could easily change that, but again, that wouldn't help me figure things out with the ladies. If they don't like you, they don't like you.

I'm not in an unhappy relationship because of sex, because I don't get that either. Just don't want to lose my kids.

Well, since you're not out there, I'm sure it would be a mystery. You've been out of the dating pool for a long time. It is so much easier now in my early 40s than mid 20s. No comparison. If you want a FWB now you just have to be a good friend to the women you meet, have fun (whatever activities you want to do with each other (one of mine is a tennis partner)), at the rest comes. Generally they're with (for me, when I'm doing that) from people I dated a little, but it didn't work out, but we keep having sex intermittently. Simple and low pressure. As long as both parties are honest about what is going on and you play safe, it is all good.

But I understand about the kids. Glad I dodged that

[findly185]

My bf's mother just got married over the weekend at the tender age of 62 after being married for 30 years to her first husband. She wore white...

[upndown]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

It's more like being so wrapped up in kids and family life that when the kids are out of the house, the couple finds there's nothing left.

But that's different from not being able to stand each other. I can understand the void, the "empty nest syndrome," but I don't think that people are saying "wow, it sure is quiet around here ...let's get divorced!" If they are, well, that doesn't say much for marriage.