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I'll mention first this doesn't apply to me, but to a friend of mine. I would never put myself in that kind of situation where I'm exposed to too much risk.
anyways, my friend has asked advice on breaking up with his GF of a few years. But he is scared that she won't take it well. He is breaking up because she isn't the same girl she was when they first started dating. she is very violent and abusive to him. Basically she exhibits all the classic symptoms of BPD. He's worried that she could damage his property or try to falsely accuse him of DV, which happens a lot in these cases. He wants to tread lightly but doesn't know how.
The only advice I could give him is to make her break up with him. Make it seem like she is the one doing the breaking up. Kinda like the movie Inception. Then afterwards, slowly break off all contact with her afterwards and make sure to get a restraining order if she does anything wrong.
Any advice? This also applies to the women here who had to break it up with violent jerks.
It's good your friend has someone to talk this out with, no one man or woman should have to put up with the violent mental or physical abuse of another regardless of whether the abusiver is ill or not. Your friend should file a report with the authorities if he is being subjected to abuse, he should also contact one of the many resource centers out there that could give him some professional advice and counseling on how to deal with this as not to make the situation more difficult in transitioning out. There's no reasoning with an unstable person, they must be willing to seek help, you can't be their counsel. A quick break would be best, but sometimes these situations need an exit stratergy.
We here can't give you the exact steps, this is a case by case situation that needs to be assesed by someone with knowledge of the parties and laws involved in the area. You absolutely can't be straight up with these people if they are of the violent confrontational nature, your safety has to be considered as well as anyone around. You say what you have to neutralize the situation as it is happening if you know the person is going to erupt into violence, to do otherwise, would be foolish. Saying the guy is a coward, well, it's like telling a battered woman to sit there and take it because she deserves it for staying so long. A lot of abusive men have personality disorders, and a whole host of excuses for their violent behaviors. Doesn't make it ok or the woman's job to cure him.
Some links for assistance were posted in another similiar thread on here, I will try to find them.
You suck at giving advice. Making her break up with him is such a coward's way out. Guys pull that crap all the time, distancing themselves, being mean to the girl, ignoring her, and the like - it's b.s.
If he wants to break up with her, he needs to man up and do it - and in person, not over the phone. Maybe there's neutral territory he could do it on? If she's exhibiting symptoms of BPD, did he ever think about taking her to get help? Maybe she needs meds and that would snap her back into being the person she once was. I get it though, perhaps that ship has sailed and he's not in love with her anymore. Fair enough. If that's the case, he will have to end it, no matter how uncomfortable. If he feels like his safety is threatened or like she'll go on a stuff-trashing rampage, then maybe he can ask a friend such as yourself to camp out in the next room - not to infringe on their discussion but, I get that he'd probably prefer to not be put in situation where she could cry DV.
Don't ever suggest to anyone again that they force their girlfriend to break up with them. The ensuing behaviour is unacceptable and more damaging to the poor girl's self-esteem than simply hearing "I think our relationship has run its course."
Tell your friend to tread very carefully and make sure ALL of his ducks are in a row before he cuts it off. See my recent post (Seriously, why won't he...).
The woman in my situation is very severely BPD along with unmedicated bipolar. Her ex notified her they were done, and she blind sided him with a restraining order that she was able to get to stick. He went to jail, lost his job, financial security, etc over her manipulation and lies. Read up on the characteristics of BPD if you're not familiar with them.
Bottom line, if she is abusive toward him, GET EVIDENCE! Pictures, police reports, trip to the ER, or SOMETHING. Make it a clean break.
If it were me, I would probably move and change all my contact info just to ensure she stayed out of my life. BPD will attempt to go back because they have anxiety issues being alone.
Tell your friend to tread very carefully and make sure ALL of his ducks are in a row before he cuts it off. See my recent post (Seriously, why won't he...).
The woman in my situation is very severely BPD along with unmedicated bipolar. Her ex notified her they were done, and she blind sided him with a restraining order that she was able to get to stick. He went to jail, lost his job, financial security, etc over her manipulation and lies. Read up on the characteristics of BPD if you're not familiar with them.
Bottom line, if she is abusive toward him, GET EVIDENCE! Pictures, police reports, trip to the ER, or SOMETHING. Make it a clean break.
If it were me, I would probably move and change all my contact info just to ensure she stayed out of my life. BPD will attempt to go back because they have anxiety issues being alone.
Reminds me now of the crazy woman I had only gone out to eat with who insisted on moving in with me* to save her from her mother, In addition to late night wacky phone calls saying I was "evil" because i would not comply and was chosen to help her. Glad she eventually went away after i told her to take a hike, And i found a really great gal though it took a while! I even posted about it on CD.
How is that relationship now? Could you sense the unhappiness in him? Did it feel like he was only there because he was forced?
Well, to all outward appearances they are happy and have a grown son and one still in HS, but I don't think they are happy. I've been in a car with him while he was admiring women all up and down the street and I'm not sure but I think I'm the only one in the family that witnessed that. They are wealthy but I have no doubt that he dates behind her back. I have often wondered if it was worth it to her--she was quite a spoiled brat when they first got together--she wasn't crazy in the sense of BPD though but I don't know if it was out and out manipulation either, she just couldn't face being without him.
Of course he needs to break up with her himself. Instead of trying to save himself from various imagined situations, he should take responsibility for his part in relationship. He has stayed with her for too long knowing that she's not fit to be in a relationship. She didn't suddenly become violent overnight. He must have ignored warning signs when he should have broken up with her long ago. Enough passivity. Break up with her. All he needs to do to protect himself is have a mediator nearby while he breaks up with her and while she moves any of her stuff out. He should change his locks and avoid any contact with her.
In a public place, he says firmly and calmly "I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore." If she asks why, he says "Because you are violent and abusive and I can't accept that sort of treatment." He should return any personal property at that time.
If he interacts with her from then on, he should digitally record the conversation and document all contact. If he meets with her face to face, there should be a witness. Once any loose ends are settled, he should block her number and whatnot. Oh, and he needs to change his locks and probably his credit cards if they've been together for any length of time.
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