staying friends with someone you have feelings for

[scarletneon]

Originally Posted by Jumpman023

This is coming from a male: That guy is a d-bag. I know plenty of guys, even my own friends, that do this (yes, I am sometimes ashamed that I am friends with them when they act like this). Since you already told him you have feelings for him, he now thinks that he has complete control over and that you'll do anything for him. He's basically f-ing with your emotions and trying to use you for his own satisfaction. Think about it. The guy invited you on a road trip. Aka, no parents, easy to get intimate, etc. I think he's trying to make you his f-buddy, and he's leading you on and then backing out to play with your emotions and keep you interested while he gets what he wants.

My advice to you: be strong and just break off all ties with him. There's better men out there and you seem to nice to fall for this garbage. It's going to be hard, but it's for the best, trust me. I've seen this happen many times.

thanks, good advice, but like i said, we don't talk anymore.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by supernerdgirl

I figured I'd try to post my situation for an audience not made up of people that know either one of us.

I met this guy a couple of months ago, and we have tons in common. We've been hanging out pretty much almost every weekend. At first, I totally tried to keep it casual and not develop feelings for him. [1]When we met, he told me about this girl that's working elsewhere until next summer, but then she's coming back. He said that they were friends, but it's a weird situation. I accepted that. As time has gone on, i found out he has pretty strong feelings for her, but she had started dating some other guy, although apparently that has now ended.

Anyway, [2] I'd say about a month in to this mess, I realized, hey, I have a crush on this guy and that kind of sucks. Strangely, a couple days later, he took it upon himself to start making out with me, however, he then claimed that he didn't remember it thanks to too much beer. One night shortly after that [3] I got fed up and wrote him a message in the middle of the night saying that I like him and I couldn't be around him if he wasn't going to be clear with me about what he wants regarding me or this other girl. [4] Rather than replying to me by saying "hey, i don't feel that way about you. we still friends?" it ended up being more like "sorry if i was sending any signals but hey let's go on a road trip! oh yeah, i'm going to start calling you all the time and keep you on the phone for an hour in the middle of the night. and i'm going to continue to invite you out all the time, and accidentally kiss you and say i don't remember it. but i still won't be clear about how i feel."

[5] The other night one of my best guy friends was in town and he apparently confronted this guy that I like, asking him about our relationship. Guy I like told my friend that we're good friends, and my friend said that the guy i like needed to tell me that. And the guy I like said that we had that conversation, which I don't really feel like we did, because his response in the last month has been what I noted above.


[6] Here's the problem. I really can't deal with being around him because of the way I feel. I hate it because we do have an enjoyable time together, and it's my fault that I'm allowing my feelings to get in the way. The question is, should I dump him as my friend? And if that's a good idea, how the hell am I supposed to do it? Just ignore his phone calls without an explanation until he gets the hint? (I'd really hate to do that because I've had plenty of people just stop talking to me and it's so painful.) Or should I explain things in a basic "it's not you, it's me" context? Should I just give it a little more time to see what happens? I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for any advice you guys might have. [7] I realize this all sounds so junior high.

There's so much not right here. Where to start. Humor me.

Lesson #1 Being a good listener as opposed to hearing what you want to--dismissing what you don't--He did tell you. If she were just a friend--or if he weren't at least hoping for more--it wouldn't have been a focal point.

Lesson #2 Taking responsibility for yourself--You mean to tell us that for that month you realized you had a crush on this guy you never gave any signs, he just imagined it? This one's tough to swallow.

Lesson #3Repetition is the key to learning--Again, he did at least try tell you, in the beginning.

Lesson #4 Communication: the first major eliment in any relationship--I rank it right up there with chemistry. Higher. If you aren't happy with communication in the infancy of a relationship it's a pretty big flappin' red flag. And we know what red flags stand for.

Lesson #5 Three's a crowd--Not good to bring a 3rd party into a relationship. If you want to know something, refer to lesson #4. This didn't happen without a lot of information from you and, most likely, some coaching.

Lesson #6 To the point--That's the bottom line then. Tell him--just like that!

Lesson #7 Pardon the author of this post (who has too much time on her hands today)--if I'm being presumptuous here but you sound very young. ..."Sounds so junior high"; Just chalk it up to learning to a walk before you can run sort of thing, as far as relationships go. We've all been there.

[li ms trina]

that is very hard because i can't even be friends with the only man i love and the father of my kids. but i keep trying to be his friend but it is hard especially when we live under the same roof. we been together for years but we were intamate at the beginning of our relationship so those feeling started. and know we want to be friends it hard.

[TKramar]

I feel that there are only two ways of dealing with someone you formerly had feelings for. Either shove them out of your life completely, or let them in your life, but put up boundaries, or limitations. There have to be rules, or it just doesn't work.

Well, to my dismay, the first time I tried to let someone stay in my life, I learned that I could not stop caring about that person. So I don't feel like it's working out very well. I can't recommend it for others...but it might work out for you too. Who knows? I just know it didn't work out for me too well.

[MzTrixie]

omg--i googled my situation, and found this!... and i live in EDGEWATER, Chicago!... and wonder if (all these years later even), i'm dealing with the same guy?!;0 lol...

it's gotten messier and messier... from "dating" (imo) (and yes, him not wanting to take responsibility for anything "in the morning") to watching him date others... with me "as a friend"... (how did i let this happen?! i just thought he was so cool, it seemed worth the risk of staying friends... until now... )... just wish i could be that "*****"... so sick of being the nice girl...

[Lu10it]

@ MzTrixie

The girl I'm with went through the same thing as me. I was always the nice guy that lost to bad boys and got rejected and getting hurt b/c of it. It happened to her as well. But I realized that in the end the GOOD GUYS always win. I am a college student and recent the football and basketball players tried to get at her but she rejected them all for me b/c she was tired of bad boys and getting hurt. Although she could, she realizes that I'm a good guy and legitly cares and accepts her for her w/o wanting sex or her as an accessory just b/c she's pretty. We are now working on relationship-in-progress. So just wait and I promise you your time will come. And I'm sure you're a nice, sweet girl and one day some guy is going to be lucky to call you his woman so keep your head up and good luck to you in the future.

[hurtand confused]

I've been dating a man (that I've fallen in love with) for 3 yrs on and off. He has a problem with my past and cannot accept it. He has fears and cannot make a commitment for a future together as boyfriend and girlfriend. He wants to remain friends and continue to be a part of my life. He's a wonderful person and has a heart of gold. He sincerely has my best interest at heart by providing for me financially in many different ways and feels bad about hurting me. But, every time I try to be friends and retain communication, it never works. I've tried over and over but it hurts too much when I realize he's seeing other women. They say time heals all wounds but I'm not so sure. Whether I'm in his life or not, it still hurts.

[stan4]

There's a difference between staying friends with someone you have feelings for but you know nothing will ever happen (because you're married or whatever) and staying friends with someone you have feelings for where something totally could happen (so you fixate on that to your detriment).

[the minx]

This is difficult at best. Keeping some distance helps.