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My bf and I have been in a relationship for about a year now. He has a full time job as an accountant at a solo firm and makes a decent amount of salary, but he still lives with his mom and lets her run his life. She runs a business, and whenever there is a maintenance issue,i.e., dead light bulb, she calls on her son instead of a technician. He then leaves his work and drives 40 minutes to take care of things. When she's home, she calls him constantly while he's out. She often has trivial excuse for wanting him to come home such as the dog needs to be walked, the laundry needs to be dried, etc. He complies of course.
This mother of his happens to despise me. I have been married bf and have 3 children from the marriage. I am an attorney and am a hard worker and responsible. I had to twist his arm to even reveal to his mom that he was dating someone. Also twisted his arm to tell her whom he was seeing. I sent her various small presents to let her know that I was looking forward to finally meeting her in person, and she apprently trashed them all.
He is otherwise very caring, thoughtful, and great to my children. But he is scared to death to stand up to his mom much less introduce me to her. He says he plans to live with her until he marries. On Thanksgiving, he was with his mom and brought me leftover turkey the next day. On Christmas weekend he worked for 3 days at his mother's store bc she refused to hire extra staff. On New Year's, today, he accompanied her to a local mall with her friend, and is still there being dragged around by the two ladies for five hours. He doesnt seem to have a problem with any of the above.
I, on the other hand, think this is a red flag. What makes it so hard is that he is such a great guy in all the other departments. Do I shut the door on this relationship? Or do I remain to be his faithful and patient girlfriend until he finally decides to become an independent adult?
Very good questions, OP. Would your bf be willing to get counseling to help him develop some spine toward his mom? I see this as the only way to "save" the relationship, or make it workable. If he's not sincere about wanting to let go of mom's apron strings, then you may have to walk.
I don't expect him to ditch his family and give me all of his attn. However, even if i wasn't in the picture, a 31 yr old adult living this way is an issue. Any healthy parent-son relationship should allow a grown up son to have his own independent life and grow as a person. He should be able to explore and form relationships with persons of his choice without this kind of influence from his mom. We all leave that behind in high school/college.
I don't expect him to ditch his family and give me all of his attn. However, even if i wasn't in the picture, a 31 yr old adult living this way is an issue. Any healthy parent-son relationship should allow a grown up son to have his own independent life and grow as a person. He should be able to explore and form relationships with persons of his choice without this kind of influence from his mom. We all leave that behind in high school/college.
And your job is to worry about your kids ending up like that, not someone else's.
They're from Korea. They've been in the US since 1992. So I should chalk it up as a cultural difference? But I can't stand a mama's boy!
hm... Even for cultural differences, this seems extreme. I wonder if there's a Korean-American forum you could post this in, for some inside info. Still, you're right, this isn't workable. He should stick up for you toward his mom, and should turn her down when she demands he run over there to change a lightbulb, and do other trivial chores. Are there any Korean-American couples counselors in your area?
Have you talked to him (calmly) about this being a potential relationship-breaker? Does he know he could lose you over this? I think you and he should have some long, honest talks. Then get back to us.
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