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Hi,
I started dating this guy recently we have been officially dating 2 mths but communicating over 3mths. We met and really like each other, the chemistry is great. The problem is he is Desi Indian and I'm black american from the Caribbean (Jamaican). He doesn't like dating in is race/culture but his mother/family never likes or approves of his gfs (his relationships weren't always the best choices) just because of the difference. It doesn't matter to me because I'm not dating his family.
His mom has cancer and as such he is trying to be in good graces with her, my dilemna is his family don't even know he's dating someone and I'm not happy about it. He say he is waiting for the right time when his mom is feeling better. I asked when will that be he doesn't know, I told him how I felt about it and express that while I understand and don't expect it tomorrow but I feel like I'm in high school fooling around and he needs do better.
I don't care if his family likes me or not because they are just judgemental people, but I feel like this is an indication of how he feels about me and the relationship. Plus my take is if you know how your family is based on believes but you decide to do your own thing you should step up as a man and own what you want.
Do you think I'm being pushy/insensitive or are my feelings legitimate?
How close is he with his family? How often does he talk to his mother? Two months is not really a long time and my relationship with my mother is such that I probably wouldn't bother telling her about a 2 month old relationship. I have also gone several months without talking to my mother so that gives you some indication of how involved I am with my family. I don't like my mother getting into my business so I wouldn't tell her about something that may not last regardless of whether she approves or not.
My parents went through this same situation. My dad never dated in his race and his mom never liked that. As a result, my mom and my grandmother would constantly go at it. Like your boyfriend however, my dad also told my mom that he wanted to wait for the right time to tell her because he knew it would not turn out good. But, like you, my mom is mad for whatever reason about it and goes and tells my dad's mom herself and ever since then the family has been a mess.
Moral of the story is that no one knows your boyfriend's mom better than your boyfriend. You need to back off and just chill. Enjoy your boyfriend. He's not ashamed of you by any means, he just doesn't want anymore stress or drama from his mom/family. You even said you didn't care since you're not dating the family so wtf you mad for bro?
My parents went through this same situation. My dad never dated in his race and his mom never liked that. As a result, my mom and my grandmother would constantly go at it. Like your boyfriend however, my dad also told my mom that he wanted to wait for the right time to tell her because he knew it would not turn out good. But, like you, my mom is mad for whatever reason about it and goes and tells my dad's mom herself and ever since then the family has been a mess.
Moral of the story is that no one knows your boyfriend's mom better than your boyfriend. You need to back off and just chill. Enjoy your boyfriend. He's not ashamed of you by any means, he just doesn't want anymore stress or drama from his mom/family. You even said you didn't care since you're not dating the family so wtf you mad for bro?
THIS. I don't think you (OP) are wrong to feel the way that you do, but this is what I would have typed, only adding that the Cancer situation complicates the situation even further. If he "might" not have much quality time left, he is then forced (yes FORCED) to choose how he wants to spend that time, and how he wants to remember his mother, and how he might influence the near-end of her life and quality thereof. Very complicated.
(reminds me of the scene in Breaking Bad where the family meets about his choice to treat his cancer or not, and his comments about why he doesn't want to. Season 1, episode 5: "Gray Matter")
Hi,
I started dating this guy recently we have been officially dating 2 mths but communicating over 3mths. We met and really like each other, the chemistry is great. The problem is he is Desi Indian and I'm black american from the Caribbean (Jamaican). He doesn't like dating in is race/culture but his mother/family never likes or approves of his gfs (his relationships weren't always the best choices) just because of the difference. It doesn't matter to me because I'm not dating his family.
His mom has cancer and as such he is trying to be in good graces with her, my dilemna is his family don't even know he's dating someone and I'm not happy about it. He say he is waiting for the right time when his mom is feeling better. I asked when will that be he doesn't know, I told him how I felt about it and express that while I understand and don't expect it tomorrow but I feel like I'm in high school fooling around and he needs do better.
I don't care if his family likes me or not because they are just judgemental people, but I feel like this is an indication of how he feels about me and the relationship. Plus my take is if you know how your family is based on believes but you decide to do your own thing you should step up as a man and own what you want.
Do you think I'm being pushy/insensitive or are my feelings legitimate?
First of all -- two months is too short a time, this would be more an issue for a longer term relationship. However you really are dating his family and culture. He may get worse if his mother were to pass away, then he'd feel guilt for displeasing her and often these types grow to be more like their parents.
Is he still living with his mother? Is he over age 20 or 22? He seems like he's almost acting like a defiant child by saying he doesn't like women of his own culture but then acting afraid to let his mom know he's dating women of other cultures -- almost like he's sneaking around instead of acting like a grown man.
He is still in high school mode it sounds. I hope he's not too far from high school age.
Thanks for all your comments.
He is 31 yrs old and had to move back in with the family. The family is extremely close and his mom seem to feel she should dictate his actions.
He feel obligated to them because they were very supportive when he was going through some really tough times in his life.
I'm not expecting to meet her in person but seeing the closeness of the family I feel like I'm hidden the fact that they didn't even know he was dating someone.
Update however is after we spoke he made the decision to tell them....the fact that I'm not Desi Indian made her mad at him and she cussed him out. She told him it won't last cause I am going to leave him, I felt so bad for him when he told me what she said. Only time will tell, but I will say he felt much better that he told them it's like a cloud was lifted.
Indian culture is very strong. You would be having this problem if you were anything but Desi Indian. It's just not really open and accepting to anything other than itself, especially if it's the first generation in this country.
That said, it's now time for you to back off a bit. His mom is very sick. Getting upset over her children's relationships' is not helpful. That whole family is under considerable stress as it is. Resentment and dislike of you personally will develop if you try to make the son choose between them and you. It will drive your boyfriend away from you eventually. Right now, it's not you personally that troubles them. It's simply the fact you are not Indian.
It's best if you let your boyfriend decide how to handle this as he's between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Don't push him any more, nothing good will come of it. It's not fair to him to try to put him in the situation where he has to choose between a girlfriend of only a couple months duration and his elderly, cancer ridden mother.
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