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You don't seem to take any responsibility for your infidelity. And you physically abandoned your children. Those are the two things that stand out to me.
For the last six months I have tried diligently to be a good wife; to make it work. But they don't see behind the closed doors and the pressure that is on me, whether it be self-induced pressure or real. I don't WANT to go back. I want out. Here's the fact: I don't want this marriage. I don't want to go back.
Your thoughts, please? I could say more, believe it or not. :-) Thank you for your time. - "Loved to death." (Out of time to proof-read.)
Seems to me that the love and respect is gone in your relationship...too bad...You've obviously decided "I don't want to go back","I don't want this marriage", so (I would think) that would be best for you. I feel sorry for your kids, caught in the middle, and loving you both. You sound so unhappy in your marriage, and that's not good...for you, him or the kids..I wish you the best in whatever decision you make...take care.
My husband used to be a little like this. It happens because you let it happen. I wouldn't say the marriage has no hope. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and he needs counseling for how clingy he is. It sounds like he has some insecurity issues. I would show him your original post.
Also, I wouldn't feel the need to tell your friends and family all the details. This is between you and Tim and none of their business.
See, Tim had subtle controlling ways from the get-go. My affair just made it worse. He wanted to show me, to PROVE his love for me. He drew my bath water, which was sweet, but then he knelt beside the bath to splash my back. I didn't have the guts to say, "Can you go? I haven't been alone all week. I need me-time." I didn't want to hurt his feelings or displease him. We had a towel hook two inches from the shower door, yet every time I turned off the water, he was there with my towel and a kiss. Sounds romantic, huh?
Uh, no. It sounds extremely overbearing, needy, and clingy if this was happening every single time. Maybe once and a while, on special occasions it might be romantic... but every time you took a bath? That's highly disturbing. I am not condoning it but it's not surprising you had an affair - it's was the wrong way to deal with it but that happens sometimes when your spouse is this overbearing.
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For the last six months I have tried diligently to be a good wife; to make it work. We are Christians, but he had a big Come to Jesus Meeting (which is fine) and, in my opinion, went kind of overboard on lifestyle changes.
It sounds like he goes overboard on everything.
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Those are all good things, but maybe I like 80's music sometimes (he was afraid it would remind me of a past boyfriend.)
Whoa, now he's the thought police? The moment someone starts obsessing over what you think about and tries to control your thoughts, you need to get out ASAP.
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BTW, off-subject, we continued to have sexual relations this whole time. I am attracted to him and he to me. That was the one time I didn't feel like I wanted to be somewhere else. He has anxiety. He told me that he couldn't relax until I was right beside him or right on his lap. Then, he would be calm and/or fall asleep. I was his security blanket. He constantly told me I was soothing to him often. It made me uncomfortable.
He needs therapy. And LOTS of it. And you should not feel obligated to stand by him while he goes through it. You need to do what is best for your own mental and emotional well being. However hard this is on your kids, think of how much worse it would be if they continued to grow up with a mother so miserable, she does not even want to get out of bed in the morning.
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My family and friends have been increasingly cut-off. I used to do things with my mom and sister and a little with my girlfriends. We had the privacy for long, personal phone conversations. I didn't worry as much that he would judge my friends. Now, he doesn't like anyone that's not blatantly Christian. He says, "Jennifer is messed up... Kim needs to get her **** together... Debbie gives worldly advice, not Godly advice."
This is a classic control technique of cutting off your support so you have no one to turn to for help, that way he can control you more easily and you'll be less likely to leave him. It's detailed in this article about Warning Signs that you're in a toxic or even abusive relationship: Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - MHM: Relationships
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He has told me a three or four times that I need a mental check-up: That I am mentally impaired. Hello?! I started to question my sanity. I have asked numerous friends and family if they think I'm okay mentally and they all say, "Yes! You're fine!"
This is another classic sign of control and abuse. In the same article, on the second page, read the bit about "Discounted Feelings/Opinions":
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
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I Googled "subtle controlling husband" and what I saw surprised me. I thought I was the only one going through this. Some of the terms I saw that felt familiar to me were: "Isolates me, subtle manipulation, tells me I'm crazy, "convinces" me to come back, hates my friends, afraid of him, analyzation, walking on eggshells..." Now that we're apart, he's Mister Sociable. Huh!
Oh, it's not so subtle. But I'm glad you already found other sources confirming what the article I posted says.
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I feel like I can never explain this to him. I don't even want to try.
You can't and you shouldn't. Abusers/controllers rarely admit to their behavior or change - it would shatter the illusion that holds their fragile self esteem together.
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Our family and friends (especially HIS family) would never believe this has been going on.
Fortunately, it's none of their business. If and when anyone tries to talk to you about it, just politely but firmly tell them you don't want to talk about it. However, I think you should give your family a chance - you haven't tried to explain it to them so you don't know how they will react. I don't know them but I imagine they love you very much and would try to be understanding. Have you considered that it's HIS influence that is making you wrongly believe that no one will believe you? That is the whole point of the "discounted feelings/opinions" - to make you feel like you're the crazy one and no one will believe you. Don't allow this to work! Your family may very well be more understanding than you realize - especially if your mom is letting you stay with her, she obviously has some sympathy for your situation or she could have turned you out.
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Two days before I left, I tried to tell him I was moving to my mom's for awhile. He said, "No. You're NOT moving to your mom's. We are married. You don't run, you work it out." I could not "work it out" in his presence. I have no control over my own thoughts and feelings when I'm with him. That's probably my own fault. I've been too weak for too long.
NO, do NOT blame yourself. It is NEVER your fault that someone else controlled and manipulated you. Is it passed time you stood up for yourself? Yeah. But that doesn't make any of this your fault.
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He wrote me a poem about being a butterfly that he's kept in a jar and he wants to let me out now. He wrote me a long letter stating his wrongs, apologizing and saying he'll go to counseling to fix it. Am I wrong for not wanting to try? For just wanting to stay out while I'm out? I'm afraid that six months from now I'll just do this all over again. Even if he changes, will I always perceive him to be controlling and manipulative?
You're right, he WILL go back to his normal self in time. Whether it be one month down the line or six months - he is not going to change without years and years of therapy. And he is especially not going to change when he knows that all he has to do is promise to change and you'll come back. This is what's known as the "mean and sweet cycle" described in that article I linked to. He may not be as aggressively "mean" as the article describes but his methods of control and manipulation are toxic and the "mean" cycle represents this part of his behavior.
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Being at my mom's, I feel like an abuse victim that finally got out of the situation.
You don't seem to take any responsibility for your infidelity. And you physically abandoned your children. Those are the two things that stand out to me.
Really? Her husband trying to control what music she listens to in a paranoid attempt to control her thoughts about people who she was with before she even met him doesn't stand out to you?
You don't seem to take any responsibility for your infidelity. And you physically abandoned your children. Those are the two things that stand out to me.
cheating is a cheating, everyone. if the husband is so clingy, needy, controlling, why not breaking up with him before cheating on him.
op mentioned several times on her post that the husband is a nice guy, loved by everyone, handsome, good father. so which one is the truth?
[b]cheating is a cheating, everyone. if the husband is so clingy, needy, controlling, why not breaking up with him before cheating on him.
You've obviously never been in a controlling, manipulative relationship where you feel utterly trapped and unable to leave.
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op mentioned several times on her post that the husband is a nice guy, loved by everyone, handsome, good father. so which one is the truth?
Loved by everyone who doesn't see the side of him that she sees. A good father does not automatically equal a good husband. Handsome? Who cares? Abuse victims often carry some degree of Stockholm Syndrome, it's only natural a part of her still feels compelled to defend him. Again, you clearly understand nothing about this type of relationship or what this woman has been suffering.
Really? Her husband trying to control what music she listens to in a paranoid attempt to control her thoughts about people who she was with before she even met him doesn't stand out to you?
You have to remember that these are her perceptions, and there are two sides to every story. I find it odd that she accepts no blame for her affair or the state of her marriage, and that she would leave her children in the care of an abusive man. The story is just too black and white, villianous man vs innocent woman, to accept at face value. I prefer to step back and look at the entire tone, not just the tale.
My husband used to be a little like this. It happens because you let it happen. I wouldn't say the marriage has no hope. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and he needs counseling for how clingy he is. It sounds like he has some insecurity issues. I would show him your original post.
Also, I wouldn't feel the need to tell your friends and family all the details. This is between you and Tim and none of their business.
He just needs to divorce her instead. And keep the children.
How on earth do you think that mediation can help when:
1. one person abandoned a spouse and three children
2. cheated and probably only admitted for being caught
3. kept distance and still doesn't want the marriage.
First thing is enough for a divorce, second one is a killer, third one makes sure that he doesn't even have to try with counseling since the person who caused it still doesn't want a marriage.
So the real question is.... what does the topic starter want? Children? House? If you're unhappy and you left already, why turning back now. You don't deserve to raise the children that you left and went with a lover. Just make it easy and move on. Any law that would give you children would be both destructive for your husband AND your children, giving some terrible picture of justice on top of that. Just divorce amicably and move on, you're not into the life you started, start a new one yourself.
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