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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Let's say you have an overall goal of having a family one day. You embark on a long-term relationship with someone that is a very suitable partner. You are at age 26 or 27 at that point. Let's say you turn 30 or 31 and you and the suitable partner don't work out and break up. You still want a family.
Would it be fair to say you have a feeling that you lost some valuable time in that LTR without getting married or producing a kid or two? Biology tells us that once you get North of 30 having kids "naturally" gets a little harder. I wonder if anyone has ever felt this feeling of losing time in a LTR that you didn't seal the deal at the end to.
Not really. I wouldn't feel I lost any time because I'd rather not have gotten married and not had kids with someone who I would have divorced anyways. Then comes alimony, child support, lawyers etc.
But I'm a guy. I'm sure some women feel differently...
When I was with my favorite ex in my mid-20s, my mother worried I would spend "the best years of my life" with him (she hated him). We broke up after a year of living together (though not because my mother dearly wished it), and then had a strung-out on-and-off situation for a couple years after that, which finally broke off when I was almost 31. I haven't had anything since that came as close to marriage though, and I think my mother regrets encouraging me to break up with him, since grandchildren are unlikely for her now.
I had always wanted children and a husband - at least I thought I did, because everyone in my family had told me I did. Then I hit my 30s and underwent a sort of evolution in my viewpoint. I realized that my happiness was not dependent on a husband and children and just stopped worrying about it. I have the life I want right now, and I'm happy whether I'm in a relationship or not. Children might still be in the picture, but I'm not really invested in making that happen - I know I'd be a good mom, love my children fiercely and find it rewarding, but it's not an imperative for me to feel fulfilled.
Would I trade that relationship all those years ago for one with a more traditional outcome? Oh HELL no. That relationship, more than any other factor, defined who I am as an adult. I spent a few years on that guy, but it was worth it. He was the right guy for that time in my life, and I was the right woman for that time in his life. I met him at a time in my life when suicide was not an entirely unrealistic possibility, while I was mired in a terrible depression and mourning the loss of what seemed like almost everything I'd valued. The relationship brought me joy, hope and confidence when I had none of those things.
I didn't lose anything, but I totally gained a sense of identity and self-worth that had been missing.
No, my end goal is never marriage. Actually, I've come to the realization that I cant predict the future and I've given up that need for control. Whatever happens happens. I dont find a single second of anything I choose to do willingly, a waste of time.
Let's say you have an overall goal of having a family one day. You embark on a long-term relationship with someone that is a very suitable partner. You are at age 26 or 27 at that point. Let's say you turn 30 or 31 and you and the suitable partner don't work out and break up. You still want a family.
Would it be fair to say you have a feeling that you lost some valuable time in that LTR without getting married or producing a kid or two? Biology tells us that once you get North of 30 having kids "naturally" gets a little harder. I wonder if anyone has ever felt this feeling of losing time in a LTR that you didn't seal the deal at the end to.
Yes. I've only had one relationship that lasted more than a few months (but under two years) and that was mostly a waste of time.
Let's say you have an overall goal of having a family one day. You embark on a long-term relationship with someone that is a very suitable partner. You are at age 26 or 27 at that point. Let's say you turn 30 or 31 and you and the suitable partner don't work out and break up. You still want a family.
Would it be fair to say you have a feeling that you lost some valuable time in that LTR without getting married or producing a kid or two? Biology tells us that once you get North of 30 having kids "naturally" gets a little harder. I wonder if anyone has ever felt this feeling of losing time in a LTR that you didn't seal the deal at the end to.
I dated someone for 7 years. mostly my age was 24-31. No marriage, no kids was the end result.
But it was a pretty good relationship.
Initially, I was so messed up after the split, but I never really thought I wasted my time.
Being a guy, some women may feel differently because of biology and wanting kids.
I also think that if her and I were truly a good fit, we would have found a way to make it work, and we would have had the house/fence/dogs/ and kids. Therefore, I am grateful to have had a good person in my life for so long, but I also have come to terms with the fact that it just wasn't meant to be.
IMO, if having children is your end goal, then you may feel like you wasted your time.
My end goal is companionship and a healthy, loving relationship. If children are part of that journey, than great. But children will not define my success in my life.
I've had a few relationships, and a marriage, that could be perceived as a waste of time, however I have no regrets about any of it, because all of my previous life choices brought me to this point and I am really happy with who and where I am right now.
I think if anyone wants a family, that they not devote their best childbearing years to a relationship that isn't going anywhere (and by that, I mean generally beyond 2 years you'd have an idea), but again, people have to make their own choices and live with the consequences.
Let's say you have an overall goal of having a family one day. You embark on a long-term relationship with someone that is a very suitable partner. You are at age 26 or 27 at that point. Let's say you turn 30 or 31 and you and the suitable partner don't work out and break up. You still want a family.
Would it be fair to say you have a feeling that you lost some valuable time in that LTR without getting married or producing a kid or two? Biology tells us that once you get North of 30 having kids "naturally" gets a little harder. I wonder if anyone has ever felt this feeling of losing time in a LTR that you didn't seal the deal at the end to.
That happened to someone close to me. He was older and she loved his youthful energy, believing despite his telling her he never wanted to get married or have children, that he would realize that the awesome time they had together would make him want to marry her. They'd break up, then get back together. This went on for six years. Then she (honestly) accidentally got pregnant. They fought terribly and their relationship, already in turmoil due to her mounting and misguided impatience, was never the same. He loved their child, which surprised them both and gave her awful hope, but the two of them were just ultimately not right for one another. They started dating when she was 22 or 23, and he was in his late 30s. She's a single mom in her early 30s now. She doesn't date. He has a new girlfriend and seems pretty happy to be a weekend dad. I know she royally screwed herself over because of him. I don't kick her about it because she surely does that enough to herself.
Would I trade that relationship all those years ago for one with a more traditional outcome? Oh HELL no. That relationship, more than any other factor, defined who I am as an adult. I spent a few years on that guy, but it was worth it. He was the right guy for that time in my life, and I was the right woman for that time in his life. I met him at a time in my life when suicide was not an entirely unrealistic possibility, while I was mired in a terrible depression and mourning the loss of what seemed like almost everything I'd valued. The relationship brought me joy, hope and confidence when I had none of those things.
I didn't lose anything, but I totally gained a sense of identity and self-worth that had been missing.
What profound messages of love, wisdom, and self confidence. One of the best posts I've read on city-data forum to say the least.
As for me, When I was 24 and that is 5 years ago, I found my first and only true love, he died of brain disease. To me, he was my husband and the only regret I have now is that I was not a PERFECT girlfriend for him, I didn't know how much pain he was in.
Hindsight being 20/20, I've learned a lot for being in a long term devoted meaningful relationship with my first true love. I learned that one really cannot be self absorbed, self centered and expect others to treat you with respect, love and compassion. Also, I try to be righteous without being self-righteous. When people try to pick a fight with me, I am okay with just walking away without saying the last word. Five years ago, I was not able to do that. I know now what is more important in my life.
My lost love taught me the meaning of true love, mutual respect, and the very concept of agree to disagree. I am more compassionate, less judgmental all because I have lost somebody I loved very dearly at young age.
Each relationship has its own value and meanings. According to spirituality, two souls come to each other's lives to either teach a lesson or deliver a message. Maybe you can just view this relationship as lesson learned. Move on with your life and there is always a gentle soul waiting in the future.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 02-22-2013 at 09:00 AM..
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